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A Testing I Can Only Just Survive


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I've never really posted anything on a forum, but I find myself very much alone and confused right now. I was saved in June 2015, never having been brought up as a Christian or even knowing many Christians through my life. I live in the UK and there is a somewhat 'stuffy' image of The Church, although perhaps that is just my thinking. Christ came to me through a dream, my heart was changed and I had been going though what felt like spiritual attacks through others and some strange experiences! Anyway (that's another story), God got me! He saved me and I am forever His!

I met a man after that and he was very good to me, he too is a Christian, I honestly felt like it was God given I prayed for support the night before he contacted me, it felt like an answer to prayer. We were friends for a while, he lives in America. Through it all he seemed very genuine, he is the son of a Pastor, we prayed on the phone everyday, we became more than friends and after a few years, having met a number of times, me going there and him here, we got engaged. There were some tough times, he has misrepresented himself, we got through it, I forgave him and we moved on. Three years on, and 280 days into our visa application for me to move over to America on a fiance visa, he has a huge melt down. He tells me of all his sins, things I never thought he would be involved in (mostly of the flesh, I wont go into detail). I could and can forgive him. But now, as he has been divorced he says he will not marry me. In his repentance he feels he should not be breaking anymore commandments. He says it's against scripture, I can't argue with that, it's Gods word. But I have sold my flat. I have sent everything I own over to him, bar three suitcases and my paperwork (for the visa), I have temporary accommodation until the middle of May, we had planned all this hoping the Visa would be through by then. Of course now it wont, I am not going to be married, I will not be his wife, I will not be able to start a new in America. Which is a huge change of plan, a huge and difficult change to get my head around. I am being tested. Beyond anything I thought could happen, I had complete faith that it was Gods plan for me to be in a new country with someone who would love me.

How he is even capable of dropping me like this I do not know. We never argued, we've got on well, same humour, a sharing of faith and it felt completely genuine. I am going to have to get a job in the next six weeks (money is not the best for me), I wasn't working as we were just going to get through the visa and then I could just move when we got it (stupid of me, I know). I am living out of suitcases, my heart is broken, and on top of that he has told me he has cancer, he has an operation on Tuesday to remove a stage 2 tumour, its colon cancer. He's pushed me away when I would have drawn closer. What else can I say other than that?! Without becoming too distraught and incoherent.

Honestly I cannot comprehend most of this, my emotions are everywhere and I have to pull everything back together, on my own, I was going to find new friends in America, the UK has not been kind to me. This test is very tough on me, especially as a new Christian, I feel angry, upset, sad, heart broken and pure despair. I know that God is working, and perhaps I will come out the other end ok. He was my only Christian friend, would anyone have any advice? Or could someone pray for me? It's my birthday today.. I'm 42! This shouldn't happen to a 42 year old woman! I feel ridiculous as well as distraught.... and tired, very, very tired. 

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So sorry to hear about what you are going through, such an awful situation.  Of course you have my prayers, and know that through your family in Christ you have many more friends than you think.  I hope you find wonderful fellowship here, and consider that maybe God has other plans for you.  Maybe this man was just a means to an end, and something much better awaits you on the other side of your journey.

Happy birthday as well!

God bless

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Hidden in Him, Thank you so much for your reply, your advice is very much heeded. Very well thought out, so I appreciate the effort! I will view this all as an opportunity, and spend much time in prayer and in The Word. I do trust in the LORD, he is GOOD! :th_praying:

God Bless.

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Bless you, sister! So sad to hear about such a terrible turn taken in your life!

If you are indeed going to be staying in the UK, it's critical that you find a good body of believers to connect to, who teach and practice a true Christian faith. God did not intend for us to go it alone in our walk with Him! Of course, this forum is a good start to that, too. Feel free to post in other sections, ask for advise, ask for explanations on any scripture you may not understand, and just connect and make friends!

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Praying for you sister. I too think it was the cancer that made him think things over. I think it stress him like cancer would. Its a aweful thing you are going through. But God knew this was going to be. He still has you in has hand. He still had plans for you that ate really good.

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There was a time in our marriage that my husband pushed me away.  He was very depressed after a very painful accident that threatened his job and left him with exposed nerves and several surgeries to correct.   We were both Christian and had been married for 25 years. .

 Perhaps as a result of your friend's cancer he has had to have a colostomy and is embarrassed.  It can threaten a man's feeling like a man.     But it is wrong of him to take your money etc. and then dump you.  Pray for him and forgive him.

I do pray that you find a very fulfilling job that give you a good income.  I also pray that you are able to move beyond this and find other genuine Christians for fellowship.  

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“ Blessed men GO THROUGH valleys of weeping”........have faith in that promise from God......He is with you

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Thank you for your replies, I have given a great deal to this relationship, including the roof over my head, I would not have done anything like that had the relationship been anywhere near rocky. I do understand that he is pushing me away, I have spoken to him about it, and asked him not too. I'm a pretty straight forward person, I do my best and I don't chastise or shout about things. Love can heal these rifts, but I think a lot of pride and stubbornness is at work here. I'm dealing with someone who I no longer recognise because of the lies he's told me. I have forgiven it all, but now I think God is revealing his true nature.

Despite my requests to find out what hospital he will be going to he won't tell me. It would have been nice if I could a least know where he will be if something bad happens, I am very concerned because I care. He also will not let me talk to any of his family, he had sent me an email address for his brother a while ago, in case anything ever happened to him, I emailed it, just to ask if he could let me know that my partner is ok after the operation (they are always in contact), the email address bounced back, I don't think it's real. I tried the phone number too, but I have had no answer.

We're talking about someone I have a joint US account with, I'm on the rental contract for the house in America, I've not exactly been a 'sideline'. Even in the visa process you write letters with your intend to marry, and prove the relationship with pictures and many many visits.

His other sister is going there to look after him, he has told me he has told her about me many a times. I asked him for her phone number so she could let me know how the operation went. He has avoided giving it to me. He does all this while telling me he loves me?! That's confusing. Sorry to vent, I just think perhaps God is showing me just how devious this man is, and it's rather scary, let alone emotionally taxing, given the illness, the messages of love, the rejection and him 'hiding' me like a dirty secret at the same time.

I'm not perfect, but I don't think I could do to anyone what he's doing to me right now. This is how homeless people are made. I'm glad God is showing me the truth, it's rather brutal, and at the same time I want him to be ok. He will want me to be his best friend at the end of this, it's becoming more and more clear, that I am not respected, that his idea of love is very far from mine. I've never known someone to be so good at lying! I am giving all this to God, I need to find a good job, perhaps God wants me to finally put myself first? I honestly don't know. Please do pray for me.

Thank you for listening!

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