Adultery...Sin....Help!

[Goldie]

Yes, i commit adultery! I am very sad with life.

I divorced last year after 31 years together! One child, approx 12 years old.

A bit of background info;

Me and ex drifted apart. She never wanted to make love. Last 11 years nothing! No love. No hugs, nothing. She admitted she didnt love me.

Then, 4 years ago i had an affair. It is still ongoing. With a married woman who loves me so so much! Her husband treats her like a door matt. She has children too.

Try as i might, i cant seem to escape my feelings for her. Yes, lust too! Sad thing is, i still love my Ex wife! I have told my ex this. She said she is very happ being divorced. She states the divorce was because she fell out of love for me. Not just the adultery, of which, i told her about after 3 months as it was eating me up inside.

Thing is, i love God so so much! I cant understand how i am betraying him. I have sought help and guidance from my church too. I have been to confession tons of times over the last 4 years.

I know i should break away from this woman but its so difficult. She loves me, i have strong feelings for her. I should choose God only, i know.

I am lost.

She is a Buddhist but only recently told me she loves God so much and that she can hear him and contact him and that he wants to help me and that she can help me with with God. This was a massive shock. She has been a life long Buddhist. She is Thai. She meditates daily. She said she reaches Gos.

I want help. I want God.

Can people hear God?

I have not been to church for a couple of months. I love Catholicism but i also question things in the faith. I wish i could find light at the end of the tunnel. I suffer with some health issue too which are getting me down. I am living on my own. I hate my job. I see no future at all. If it wasnt for my gorgeous daughter i would not be here now! Many many times, daily, i think of ending it all.

[Adstar]

G'day Goldie..

Quote

 

Yes, i commit adultery! I am very sad with life.

I divorced last year after 31 years together! One child, approx 12 years old.

 

As long as you knowledge your Adultery is sin and you are in need of the Atonement of the LORD Jesus Christ to pay the penalty for that sin.. Then you will be forgiven..

Also in Christianity Adultery is grounds for divorce.. So your divorce is spiritually legal..

But if you are continuing in an adulterous relation with the married Thai woman then you are grieving the Holy Spirit.. You should make a clean break from her..

Quote

Try as i might, i cant seem to escape my feelings for her. Yes, lust too!

Well in regard to Gods will your feelings for her is not the issue.. The lust is an issue and the continuing in Adultery is the Issue..

Quote

I know i should break away from this woman but its so difficult. She loves me, i have strong feelings for her. I should choose God only, i know.

It is good that you know what is right and agree with Gods stance on the issue. That gives me hope that Gods Holy Spirit is working on your conscience.. Yes it is very difficult to break away from someone you have feelings for.. No reasonable person is going to tell you it will be easy..  I would strongly encourage you to pray to god for help in making the break from this woman.. Express the what you have said to us to the LORD in prayer.. Be genuine in your words to God and ask Him for His will to be done on the matter..
 

Quote

 

I have not been to church for a couple of months. I love Catholicism but i also question things in the faith.

 

I was born into a devout catholic family and served as an altar boy for 10 years, I did not even think to question the faith much until a work friend gave me a New King James Bible to read as a gift after we had some discussions about God and Faith.. I got immersed into the Bible and read it each day from Genesis all the way to the end of Revelation.. By the time i had reached the Book of Romans chapter 8 i was no longer a catholic because my conscience could no longer bear with the differences between the teachings of the Bible and the religion of catholicism which i had been raised in...  I was not a lax catholic either.. I went to a nunnery school and to a Marist brothers college.. So i assure you i was a real catholic..

Of course this issue is totally different to you immediate problem of Adultery.. But i responded to this last quote so as to make myself completely clear and up front to you..

May you be blessed with the wisdom and the strength to do what you are being convicted to do.. May Gods will be done in your life Goldie..

[GandalfTheWise]

 

1 hour ago, Goldie said:

I want help. I want God.

Can people hear God?

I have not been to church for a couple of months. I love Catholicism but i also question things in the faith. I wish i could find light at the end of the tunnel. I suffer with some health issue too which are getting me down. I am living on my own. I hate my job. I see no future at all. If it wasnt for my gorgeous daughter i would not be here now! Many many times, daily, i think of ending it all.

God has created each of us to be a unique person meant to reflect His glory in a unique way and to walk with Him.  Ultimately, we need to do that by walking with Him on a consistent basis ourselves.  I grew up in a mainline Protestant church believing in God.  When I was 12, I was at a Wednesday night Lent service and gave my life to Christ.  I forget what the guest speaker was talking about, but at the end, he asked a couple questions, "do you really know God exists?" and "are you sure you're going to heaven?"  I remember clearly understanding that my belief in God and heaven was not so much belief as hoping it was true.  After the service, I went up to talk to the speaker, he just lead me in a simple prayer of surrender to God (something like "Please forgive me God.  Please come into my heart.")  At that moment, I simply felt different.  I'd said and prayed words similar to those many times during liturgies and other times.  I really wasn't expecting anything to happen as I prayed, but I just felt a warm feeling inside that I had never felt before.  Over the 4 decades since then, that presence of God's Spirit in me has remained.

Over the years, I've found that my trust and confidence in God has grown simply by seeing what He has done in my life and other people's lives.  This faith is rooted in God Himself, not in the particular details I believe about things.  Some Christians get hung up on worrying about which doctrinal details and explanations to believe (and to try to eliminate all feelings of doubt about those things).  Doing that makes our "faith" more about how certain we are of particular opinions that we and others hold to and worrying about which group is right.   I've found over time that it is much more important to just have a consistent personal walk with God with regular personal prayer, bible and devotional readings, being with other Christians, and things like those.  It is getting to know God Himself that brings light and purpose into our lives.  

Simply going to church (and relying on others to get us closer to God) is far different from establishing that relationship for ourselves.  There are many who spend much of their lives attending church on occasion and never getting to know God Himself. 

Until we really know who it is that God created us to be, we'll often be frustrated with life.  Being a Christian is much more about *being* than *doing*.  It is about walking with God and learning more about who He made us to be.  We live in a society that more or less values us on by what practical use we are and what we can contribute.  The stress of living with this, having a toxic job, and other such things can take a physical toll on us.  Living life to the fullest is about learning who God made us to be (and not just knowing our gifts, talents, and experience).  This is something deep and fundamental inside of us; it is related to our passions, interests, and dreams. 

A few books that really helped bring this into focus for me were "Wild At Heart" and "Waking the Dead" by John Eldridge.

 

1 hour ago, Goldie said:

Try as i might, i cant seem to escape my feelings for her. Yes, lust too! Sad thing is, i still love my Ex wife! I have told my ex this. She said she is very happ being divorced. She states the divorce was because she fell out of love for me. Not just the adultery, of which, i told her about after 3 months as it was eating me up inside.

I know i should break away from this woman but its so difficult. She loves me, i have strong feelings for her.

I've read a number of books on marriage and relationships over the years.  One experienced marriage counselor has observed that men can indeed be in love with more than one woman.  In the context of rebuilding a marriage after adultery, he recommends that the man break all ties with the other woman, leaving a job or moving to a new town if necessary to avoid contact.  His experience is that once a man has fallen in love with another woman (in a manner similar to what the OP describes), those feelings will be there for a long time.  It's not a matter of trying to control them, the only thing to do is to break ties so that there is no contact.  Otherwise, there will be a constant pull and temptation to renew the relationship.  Indeed, this counselor's experience is that some time of absence can make the feelings seem more intense if the man tries to merely reduce contact.  His recommendation is to simply cut all ties with the other woman.

My sense of things is that few men ever plan on having an affair.  Most men at a low point in their lives simply start slowing falling for a nice woman who treats them well when they are feeling down.  What starts out as someone who gives them a smile and makes them feel better, turns into some nice conversation, turns into sharing more intimate conversations, frustrations, and feelings, turns into a few hugs that make them feel better, and ends up turning into a full-blown deep emotional relationship that can turn physical.  My understanding is that often in this situation, the man and the other woman find each other as an escape from pain and frustration.  My understanding is that often, once the escape has been made (like both of them divorcing their frustrating spouses and getting married), that much of what drove them to each other is gone, and that person may not seem so appealing when they have to be lived with on an ongoing basis.

 

 

[Goldie]

1 hour ago, Adstar said:

G'day Goldie..

As long as you knowledge your Adultery is sin and you are in need of the Atonement of the LORD Jesus Christ to pay the penalty for that sin.. Then you will be forgiven..

Also in Christianity Adultery is grounds for divorce.. So your divorce is spiritually legal..

But if you are continuing in an adulterous relation with the married Thai woman then you are grieving the Holy Spirit.. You should make a clean break from her..

Well in regard to Gods will your feelings for her is not the issue.. The lust is an issue and the continuing in Adultery is the Issue..

It is good that you know what is right and agree with Gods stance on the issue. That gives me hope that Gods Holy Spirit is working on your conscience.. Yes it is very difficult to break away from someone you have feelings for.. No reasonable person is going to tell you it will be easy..  I would strongly encourage you to pray to god for help in making the break from this woman.. Express the what you have said to us to the LORD in prayer.. Be genuine in your words to God and ask Him for His will to be done on the matter..
 

I was born into a devout catholic family and served as an altar boy for 10 years, I did not even think to question the faith much until a work friend gave me a New King James Bible to read as a gift after we had some discussions about God and Faith.. I got immersed into the Bible and read it each day from Genesis all the way to the end of Revelation.. By the time i had reached the Book of Romans chapter 8 i was no longer a catholic because my conscience could no longer bear with the differences between the teachings of the Bible and the religion of catholicism which i had been raised in...  I was not a lax catholic either.. I went to a nunnery school and to a Marist brothers college.. So i assure you i was a real catholic..

Of course this issue is totally different to you immediate problem of Adultery.. But i responded to this last quote so as to make myself completely clear and up front to you..

May you be blessed with the wisdom and the strength to do what you are being convicted to do.. May Gods will be done in your life Goldie..

Thank you so much for your kind post. I agree with it all (maybe not the Catholic bit )

It is very difficult to break away from her. She is so kind, loving, caring, emotional, God loving. I do pray and ask God every day for His will to be done unto me. I ask for guidance and help. I have for 4 years. All to no avail. I feel trapped on my own. I dont know where to turn.

I care for her so much but i know it is wrong. She is still married! She wants us to marry in the future. At the moment, both of us agree that we need to guide our children. To be there for them. They come first.

She thinks her husband knows about us. I think he is seeing someone else too.

I wish God would talk to me.

She said God is working through her. He has told her to help others in the world, which she has started doing through her facebook page. She teaches about God, life etc. She seems very genuine in all this. I have known her for around 9 years but the last 4 we have been having an affair. Its not just sex though, even though lust is a big part of it.

I know i should walk away from her. But how? So hard people.

Thank you for reading and advising

[Adstar]

5 minutes ago, Goldie said:

Thank you so much for your kind post. I agree with it all (maybe not the Catholic bit )

It is very difficult to break away from her. She is so kind, loving, caring, emotional, God loving. I do pray and ask God every day for His will to be done unto me. I ask for guidance and help. I have for 4 years. All to no avail. I feel trapped on my own. I dont know where to turn.

I care for her so much but i know it is wrong. She is still married! She wants us to marry in the future. At the moment, both of us agree that we need to guide our children. To be there for them. They come first.

She thinks her husband knows about us. I think he is seeing someone else too.

I wish God would talk to me.

She said God is working through her. He has told her to help others in the world, which she has started doing through her facebook page. She teaches about God, life etc. She seems very genuine in all this. I have known her for around 9 years but the last 4 we have been having an affair. Its not just sex though, even though lust is a big part of it.

I know i should walk away from her. But how? So hard people.

Thank you for reading and advising

Thank you for reading and considering my post..  

[Goldie]

14 minutes ago, GandalfTheWise said:

 

God has created each of us to be a unique person meant to reflect His glory in a unique way and to walk with Him.  Ultimately, we need to do that by walking with Him on a consistent basis ourselves.  I grew up in a mainline Protestant church believing in God.  When I was 12, I was at a Wednesday night Lent service and gave my life to Christ.  I forget what the guest speaker was talking about, but at the end, he asked a couple questions, "do you really know God exists?" and "are you sure you're going to heaven?"  I remember clearly understanding that my belief in God and heaven was not so much belief as hoping it was true.  After the service, I went up to talk to the speaker, he just lead me in a simple prayer of surrender to God (something like "Please forgive me God.  Please come into my heart.")  At that moment, I simply felt different.  I'd said and prayed words similar to those many times during liturgies and other times.  I really wasn't expecting anything to happen as I prayed, but I just felt a warm feeling inside that I had never felt before.  Over the 4 decades since then, that presence of God's Spirit in me has remained.

Over the years, I've found that my trust and confidence in God has grown simply by seeing what He has done in my life and other people's lives.  This faith is rooted in God Himself, not in the particular details I believe about things.  Some Christians get hung up on worrying about which doctrinal details and explanations to believe (and to try to eliminate all feelings of doubt about those things).  Doing that makes our "faith" more about how certain we are of particular opinions that we and others hold to and worrying about which group is right.   I've found over time that it is much more important to just have a consistent personal walk with God with regular personal prayer, bible and devotional readings, being with other Christians, and things like those.  It is getting to know God Himself that brings light and purpose into our lives.  

Simply going to church (and relying on others to get us closer to God) is far different from establishing that relationship for ourselves.  There are many who spend much of their lives attending church on occasion and never getting to know God Himself. 

Until we really know who it is that God created us to be, we'll often be frustrated with life.  Being a Christian is much more about *being* than *doing*.  It is about walking with God and learning more about who He made us to be.  We live in a society that more or less values us on by what practical use we are and what we can contribute.  The stress of living with this, having a toxic job, and other such things can take a physical toll on us.  Living life to the fullest is about learning who God made us to be (and not just knowing our gifts, talents, and experience).  This is something deep and fundamental inside of us; it is related to our passions, interests, and dreams. 

A few books that really helped bring this into focus for me were "Wild At Heart" and "Waking the Dead" by John Eldridge.

 

I've read a number of books on marriage and relationships over the years.  One experienced marriage counselor has observed that men can indeed be in love with more than one woman.  In the context of rebuilding a marriage after adultery, he recommends that the man break all ties with the other woman, leaving a job or moving to a new town if necessary to avoid contact.  His experience is that once a man has fallen in love with another woman (in a manner similar to what the OP describes), those feelings will be there for a long time.  It's not a matter of trying to control them, the only thing to do is to break ties so that there is no contact.  Otherwise, there will be a constant pull and temptation to renew the relationship.  Indeed, this counselor's experience is that some time of absence can make the feelings seem more intense if the man tries to merely reduce contact.  His recommendation is to simply cut all ties with the other woman.

My sense of things is that few men ever plan on having an affair.  Most men at a low point in their lives simply start slowing falling for a nice woman who treats them well when they are feeling down.  What starts out as someone who gives them a smile and makes them feel better, turns into some nice conversation, turns into sharing more intimate conversations, frustrations, and feelings, turns into a few hugs that make them feel better, and ends up turning into a full-blown deep emotional relationship that can turn physical.  My understanding is that often in this situation, the man and the other woman find each other as an escape from pain and frustration.  My understanding is that often, once the escape has been made (like both of them divorcing their frustrating spouses and getting married), that much of what drove them to each other is gone, and that person may not seem so appealing when they have to be lived with on an ongoing basis.

 

 

Waw! Another superb post!

Many thanks indeed.

Your first part is exactly what my Thai friend said to me the other day! People go to church etc but there is more than that. God is within us all. God is in everything. She said not many people really know God. They are more concerned with a 'religion'. She said many things that opened my eyes. Some things tied in with Christianity.

I like to believe that God is working through her. She said she can help me with my faith, my depression and anxieties, my negativity, my will to not live anymore! She wants to teach me more about God etc. I am gobsmacked. I never knew she had this strong faith. She said she didnt tell me as she thought i would laugh. I would never do that.

So, can she really help me? Is God guiding her to help me?

[Willa]

No, The God of our Lord Jesus Christ is not guiding her.  The god of this world is guiding her.  She is encouraging your sin.  And her teaching is leading you away from Jesus Christ.  She is leading you straight to hell!

Gal 5:17  For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.  

Gal 5:19  Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 

Gal 5:21  envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

 

[GandalfTheWise]

7 hours ago, Goldie said:

Waw! Another superb post!

Many thanks indeed.

Your first part is exactly what my Thai friend said to me the other day! People go to church etc but there is more than that. God is within us all. God is in everything. She said not many people really know God. They are more concerned with a 'religion'. She said many things that opened my eyes. Some things tied in with Christianity.

I like to believe that God is working through her. She said she can help me with my faith, my depression and anxieties, my negativity, my will to not live anymore! She wants to teach me more about God etc. I am gobsmacked. I never knew she had this strong faith. She said she didnt tell me as she thought i would laugh. I would never do that.

So, can she really help me? Is God guiding her to help me?

I'm happy to help out.  

One of the challenges when listening to anyone on spiritual matters is understanding what they mean when they use particular terms.  For example, some people use the word "God" very differently.  For Christians, there is a sentience and personhood associated with God.  For some people, the word "God" just means the entire universe in a non-physical way but there is no personality associated with.  For some people, "God" is simply a word used to describe the unknowable that transcends the physical world.   Various groups mean different things when they talk about "God".

My (limited!) understanding is that a Buddhist means something far different when they talk about God than when a Christian does.  My understanding of Buddhism is that it teaches that each of us is trapped in a continuing cycle of death and rebirth where we die and keep coming back to existence (which according to some Buddhists is into one of 6 different realms, heavenly, demi-god, human, animal, hungry ghost, or hellish).  The ultimate goal (nirvana) is a state where we are freed from this cycle.   As far as I can tell, the end goal nirvana is a state of transcendence where we basically lose all identity, desire, and uniqueness.   The 4 Noble Truths of Buddhism are 1. we cling to impermanent states and things (which cause suffering), 2. this clinging to impermanent things (by which I think they mean our human lives) traps us in an unending cycle of dying and being reborn in some form, 3.  nirvana is a state where we've escaped this cycle of dying and rebirth by no longer clinging to life and the world, and 4. nirvana can be achieved by the proper spiritual disciplines of meditation, self-discipline, and following the 8-fold path (which is in essence a "ten commandments" for Buddhists).  My understanding of Buddhist belief is that "God" is basically a word that applies to everything that exists, both physical and non-physical.   In addition, my understanding is that Buddhists also believe that because some people (I'm not sure the word they use) are rebirthed into various realms (including heavenly and demi-god), that there are many "gods" that exist in some manner and my understanding is that they believe that these "gods" can interact with humans.  

In contrast, in Christianity, it is our identity as a unique creation of a personal (not impersonal) God that defines who we are.  In Christianity, it is about God taking the initiative to change us and transform us into the unique treasure and work of art that He intends for us to become.  While it may often seem that Christians are big on rules (and some groups are!), at its heart, Christianity is about us being transformed by God's power working inside of us.  It is not that we work to keep the right rules and do the right thing, it is that we are transformed into a person who just naturally does the right thing.   The main point of Christianity is that we are each unique creations that a personal God wants to have a relationship with.  When a Christian talks about God being omnipresent, what they basically mean is that the entire physical universe is in God's presence.  This is different from the eastern pantheistic view that everything is God and God is everything.

One of my observations of a few people I knew from India (who were Hindus and Buddhists) is that there is a tendency for them to look at Christianity, grab a few parts of it that resemble some Buddhist practices, and talk about how much they are similar.  I'm not saying this as an accusation of lying or prevarication, but rather that I think that they sincerely believed that Christians were just Buddhists that were just not yet as enlightened as they were.  My understanding is that some of them view Jesus in the same light as Buddha or any of the gurus who have advanced spiritually.  They were okay talking about Jesus being divine (but likely in the Buddhist sense of having been reborn into heavenly or demi-god realms).   In reality, as far as I can tell, they mean very different things at times though the same words are used.  For example, to a Christian, meditation is an active state of mental processing where we consciously decide to think about spiritual things, reflect on what God is doing, and are in general mentally active.  It is about choosing to think about good and positive things, to plan ahead, to reflect, and in general to take time out from the world to take stock of our lives and retreat from the world to be with God for a time.   In contrast, my understanding is that meditation as practiced by many eastern religions is more of a mind-emptying exercise of trying to use chants or other methods of trying to achieve states of selflessness and non-thinking similar to what nirvana is supposed to be.  A Buddhist can talk about rebirth, but meaning one of many deaths and rebirths in a cycle that is to be escaped.  In contrast, the Christian talking about rebirth (or being born-again or born anew or born from above) is talking about God's Spirit coming to live inside of us to change us into the person God created us to be.

Overall, I'd expect a committed Buddhist to use many words used by Christians (but meaning something different), to be okay with Jesus to some extent and perhaps even view forgiveness of sins through some idea of helping to get rid of bad karma, to freely talk about God (but meaning the universe in some sense), and to encourage (eastern) meditation and various practices of self-discipline to help us lose ourselves.  However, this is far different from Christian practices which are mean to draw us to a personal God who has created us to live life as a grand adventure walking along with Him.    For the Christian, God is He (Who has revealed Himself and can be known to us) in contrast to God being an It that we someday hope to shed our identities and become part of.  

For the Christian, it is about finding ourselves and fully becoming the unique person God created us to be.  My understanding for the Buddhist, is is about finally shedding our last connection to life and the world, stopping trying to cling to our personality, uniqueness, and life, and becoming an identity-less part of the universe.  For the Christian, freedom from the bondage of the world is for the purpose of fully becoming the person God created us to be with our individual interests, passions, desires, gifts, talents, and outlooks on things.  My understanding for the Buddhist is that freedom from the world is for the purpose of escaping individual identity.

This is the long version.   But basically, this is why I think that Buddhism is ultimately incompatible with Christianity.  At a fundamental level, in one we are striving to leave our identity behind to become a part of God/Universe, in the other, God the transcendent personal Creator has formed us as independent personal beings who were meant to enjoy life as a grand adventure walking with God who knows us and calls us by name.   So, while some words and practices sound similar, at their core, there is a huge gulf between them.

 

 

[Goldie]

Well, my Buddhist friend has been going to a Catholic church for nearly 12 years now as both her children are Catholic.

She knows the difference between God and Buddhism and has suddenly told me that she is very close to our God. As i said before, i have known her years and it was a shock to hear her say that as i know she is a dedicated Buddhist.

It seems as though she has been touched by God.

[HAZARD]

Jesus Christs own words regarding adulterers and seeking after signs.

Matthew 5:28, But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Matthew 12:39, But he answered and said unto them, An evil and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given to it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas:

Matthew 16:4, A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given unto it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas. And he left them, and departed.

MY advice is get out of that situation and repent immediately before your called before God and stand in judgment. There's no Heaven for those who live in or commit adultery.

Lev 20:10, And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.