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18 hours ago, pg4Him said:

Please allow me to ask one question here... would you feel this way if you never learned of the cheating 10 years ago?

Well based off  at the time before finding out, no I probably would not have been upset by it, although, we have always have had some boundaries in place of how we would interact with the opposite sex. It's really kind of complicated but back to our dating years (we were very young) he crossed the line a lot going out behind my back yet he was very controlling of me where he was extremely jealous and I barely as much as could look at a guy, not to mention he took advantage of the curfews in place for me as a 16 year old. But yes I still married him because after a breakup when I was done with it at 19 yrs old from him for a year he insisted he changed  he seemed to our relationship seemed better (at least I thought at the time) but going into our marriage everything seemed pretty well other than he was still controlling and has a temper so whenever anything is pointed at him he gets angry yet at my job if a guys was in the office with me alone at work he would flip out, there wasn't anything I could do about it, I was a bookkeeper that's where the managers did their stuff but he still got angry yet he would joke around with the females at his work (we worked same company just different buildings and different times) and I didn't have an issue with it. Anyways after our kids were born everything seemed great, I never suspected he cheated during that first year of marriage (he claims it was only once but I have never been quite sure I believe him) but I trusted him. When he started dirtbike riding in around 1999 he used to go all the time with another guy and his wife, I had no issues with it.  

Then we started having issues after his mother passed away in 2004 and things got really hard and I don't even remember how it came about but I felt he had continued a relationship with one of his past relationships, that's when he told me about his cheating. 

I guess what hurts is that he see's nothing wrong with it, or doesn't even want to hear my concerns and blows it off, but when he's had concerns of something I make a point to talk to him about it, comfort reassure ask what would make him feel comfortable ect he wont do that, it's just what it is. He insists he wouldn't be uncomfortable if the tables were turned and I know he would because he makes comments all the time about who I meet at church or talk too at other places men could be.

I don't want to make it sound like our marriage is horrible, it's not, although communication is a huge thing, he still gets angry can have a temper, and yes I have said things that aren't nice too. But usually I've learned over the years to tell him how I feel and drop it because if anything more is said he can just get mad.

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So yesterday was the day she came and he "helped" her with her bike. When she arrived he asked me to go out there so he could introduce us which I thought was nice. I felt weird doing that but he insisted so I did. It took them an hour and half opposed to the 30-45 min he told me it would. I could hear them laughing (not that I was listening but my business is right here in the home and I can hear and see what they were doing) so I can pretty much guess that they were talking about riding and trails and stories which I don't know I feel again maybe casually asking simple questions, where was your race, how did you do, but not going into depth about riding, but I don't know for sure though I do know that when they were done, she loaded her bike and they stood out there talking for about 15 min so again, I don't know how to view it anymore. 

I did pray and pray and really felt God release me from the anxiety and was thankful he wanted me to meet her and he didn't take her out to the shop where all of our bikes are, he did tell me that he showed her how to do it and she wont have to bring it back again (although she seems to message him over alot of stuff about her bike so I feel it's not the end, my husband gives way more info that needed in my opinion) He said she brought up how everyone out in the riding group talks about the bike he built for our daughter, I'm sure he told her what he did to it but he didn't go show her.

I also want to add that I do dirt bike ride with my husband as well, for me I'm not passionate about it like he is it's just something we did as a family for a long time, I just don't do the type of trails he likes to do so when we go we do our ride or family ride as we used to call it but our kids are grown and they don't go anymore as much then he will do his ride. I don't go all the time either. Someone asked if I was just upset he was going out for the day leaving me here and that's further from the truth I actually enjoy a day some times "alone" not in a bad way but we both work from home and see each other 24/7 lol. 

I know that his job he has to interact with women alone I get that but he doesn't help them with their cars or whatever. I also was a little upset that he didn't charge this woman either yesterday and whenever on the rare occasions he's had someone help him work on their car he just gives them a discount not do it for free. Again, I don't know how to view this. I hope I didn't give too much info

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Well my dear, it sounds to me like Facebook is not the real question here, and neither is the dirt-biking thing. This woman has hit a sore spot in your marriage. I suspect she would hit that sore whether he met her on Facebook or not. 

We can all give you advice on social boundaries, but we can’t say what’s best to heal this wound. My counsel is to seek God’s guidance on how to proceed.

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Thank you, I agree that it definitely is something that hasn't been fully healed even though I thought it had. That's where I am confused is what is appropriate boundaries/social boundaries in any marriage? or are they not all the same?

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Well I think we are dealing with two separate issues here. On the surface, we have the issues of social media and whether a guy can be friends with a girl. You will get different answers from different people on that because people have a different tolerances. It reminds me of 1 Corinthians 8 where Paul talks about how different people can have different comfort levels. What works for my marriage may not work for yours.

Then we have a deeper level of trust and equality in a marriage. If those things are missing, no amount of social media policing will fix it.  Nothing ever justifies making smart comments or belittling someone, or treating someone like a criminal who has to be supervised. It is never healthy for either spouse to treat the other that way, whether they ‘deserve’ it or not. No relationship of trust and equality can survive when people are supervising each other. I know it sounds harsh, but there comes a point when you have to decide if you trust someone or not. If you cannot trust someone without making wisecracks or supervising them, then you do not trust them at all. This doesn’t mean That you should turn a blind eye when something is really going on, I am only saying that supervising your spouse is a Band-Aid on a shotgun wound. 

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Thanks again for the advise. I don't have issues with being friends of the opposite sex on social media, I mean we are friends with some females that he knows more than I do but we also know their spouse as well. They just don't "interact" between the two of them, there are guys i know more on our facebook same thing we know their spouse as well, but I do not interact with them on messenger either about anything either.

I do agree with you that policing is not helping anything and that is the LAST thing I want to do it police anything. I just know that there are healthy boundaries that marriages should follow. For instance I have been in situations where a man had to  bring a woman in the same room so we were not alone ect. But again I don't know where that fine line is. I guess for me, I would not just go over to some married man's house and spend time with him alone for any reason, I would make other arrangements. I thought my husband was on that same page but apparently not.

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Healthy boundaries can change from one marriage to another. For example, one man may have a strict rule that he is never alone with a strange woman in the workplace. That is all well and good. But perhaps another man has a job where this is just not feasible. He should not have to jeopardize his income. We cannot let guidelines turn into draconian rules.

If your husband honestly thinks it’s OK to be alone with a married woman, that is what lives in his heart. You can come up with the rules or boundaries to tell him not to do it, but it will not change what he believes in his heart. At best, he will go along with it to please you while secretly thinking that you are being unreasonable. Then he starts making jokes to his friends that the old lady won’t let him have a social life. The next thing you know, you are the bad guy.

Ultimately, he will put boundaries where he thinks they need to be. You can try to get him to see things your way, and perhaps you may convince him. If you do not convince him, then you may just have to except where he puts the boundaries for himself. Even if it is not your boundary, it is the boundary that he wants. Your choice is to accept that boundary, argue with him all the time, or start babysitting.

Edited by pg4Him
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Thank you that makes perfect sense. I thankfully do not think he would "cheat" on me physically again and I do know this is my heart issue more than his. I am just going to go to my Lord and Savior and seek guidance from him and lay this all at the foot of the cross. I think that also it something adding to this is my husband is not a follower of Jesus Christ and that really has put a wedge in our marriage, not from me but for some reason my husband seems to feel this, and I do not put it in his face either,  I may simply say wow the Lord really was here during this or that.  Anyways thank you so much for your insight on this.

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3 hours ago, worriedwife69 said:

So yesterday was the day she came and he "helped" her with her bike. When she arrived he asked me to go out there so he could introduce us which I thought was nice. I felt weird doing that but he insisted so I did. It took them an hour and half opposed to the 30-45 min he told me it would. I could hear them laughing (not that I was listening but my business is right here in the home and I can hear and see what they were doing) so I can pretty much guess that they were talking about riding and trails and stories which I don't know I feel again maybe casually asking simple questions, where was your race, how did you do, but not going into depth about riding, but I don't know for sure though I do know that when they were done, she loaded her bike and they stood out there talking for about 15 min so again, I don't know how to view it anymore. 

I did pray and pray and really felt God release me from the anxiety and was thankful he wanted me to meet her and he didn't take her out to the shop where all of our bikes are, he did tell me that he showed her how to do it and she wont have to bring it back again (although she seems to message him over alot of stuff about her bike so I feel it's not the end, my husband gives way more info that needed in my opinion) He said she brought up how everyone out in the riding group talks about the bike he built for our daughter, I'm sure he told her what he did to it but he didn't go show her.

I also want to add that I do dirt bike ride with my husband as well, for me I'm not passionate about it like he is it's just something we did as a family for a long time, I just don't do the type of trails he likes to do so when we go we do our ride or family ride as we used to call it but our kids are grown and they don't go anymore as much then he will do his ride. I don't go all the time either. Someone asked if I was just upset he was going out for the day leaving me here and that's further from the truth I actually enjoy a day some times "alone" not in a bad way but we both work from home and see each other 24/7 lol. 

I know that his job he has to interact with women alone I get that but he doesn't help them with their cars or whatever. I also was a little upset that he didn't charge this woman either yesterday and whenever on the rare occasions he's had someone help him work on their car he just gives them a discount not do it for free. Again, I don't know how to view this. I hope I didn't give too much info

Hi, sister! Well you have already been getting some good advice and I want to share with you what the Holy Spirit is speaking to me right now...

You are comparing yourself to this woman....one of the things that happens when a spouse has an affair is that you start losing confidence in your own self....(I am not pretty anymore, I don't please him anymore, why did he cheat....etc. etc...) so your self-esteem and confidence is at a low....and it is only fueled in how he responded in anger to you inquiries about this woman. Well...this is why the bible teaches us to cast down every vain imagination that exalts itself above the truth of His Word....It teaches us that "as a man/woman thinketh so is he"....You are wonderfully and beautifully created! You are blessed and highly favored of the Lord!....You are the head and not the tail!.....

Fear of him caring about this other woman can cause us to over analyze a situation as here......Bind that fear, give it to the Lord, speak those things that are not as though they were, pray for healing and restoration in your marriage, the bible says the believing wife sanctifies the unbelieving husband, speak positive over yourself and your husband each time you have something to say, Praise Him daily that He watches over your marriage and blesses it.....Let Satan know he aint devil enough to take your man! 

Well I will be praying for you......and one more thing.....get involved in something you like to do apart from him!

I hope this isn't offensive....I just been there and God healed me from it.

God Bless!

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My opinion only. I have nothing to do what so ever with face-ache. I have seen more people get into trouble on face-ache, and marriages break up than its worth. Your husband should not have become angry with you for deleting the friend request. And second, your husband should have told this woman to go to a bike repair shop, or the dealer for the repairs and not meddle in married men's lives.

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