Needing advise

[worriedwife69]

Thanks for all of the great advice. Over the past week I've just really been praying about this and thinking about all the different advice given here. I think it all boils down to a lot of issues in our marriage that we have "swept" under the rug. My husband does not and has never like to talk about issues so his resolution always is ok sorry it's all over then we move on but deep down nothing was ever taken care of until the next time it comes up. It's always been an issue in our marriage that if anything comes up he doesn't like discussing he gets angry (he has never hit me but has a temper and has thrown things) so out of fear our kids we see something I would drop it.  I'm not saying that I was nice either, I was angry although I never threw anything. Our marriage was good when there were no conflicts but when there were it was rough mostly because I always felt we never resolve anything I also was not serving the Lord at the time either so I wasn't seeking him during those times either. 

We hit a really good point in our marriage about 8 years ago, things have been really good, and really even better since I rededicated my life to the Lord.

Coming to this issue with this female, I see what everyone is saying and I'm really trying to see this as my issue because I do think in part some of it is, but I think what angers me is 2 things, the hurt that he doesn't even talk to me about what is bothering me about it just says, there is nothing wrong with it and moves on with no care of my feelings, however, he puts down my faith all the time, doesn't like when I go to church and gives me a hard time, I have even said fine, I wont go today even though I really want to, plus my parents who are believers push a lot of religious stuff on us, my mom will give us, books, literature just all kinds of stuff, my husband gets very mad and says she has no business pushing that on anyone,  agree to a point she over does it and I have told him that, this causes arguments and stress in our marriage for fear they will bring something over. So I told him that I would tell her out of respect for him to please not do push this right now but prayers are welcome, but he says then it makes him look like the bad guy, he basically wants me to see his point that she over does it and wants me to agree so it is coming from me that it's too much, I agreed and said I would do that out of respect for him. I care about his feelings and feel that's the right thing to do that's what bothers me about this is he can belittle me, my faith, what I think is right and I even stopped praying at the dinner table because he doesn't like it (he was fine with it before), yet he seems to care less about how I feel about this.

I feel like he is going too far with their conversation, he helped here here for almost 2 hours, for free. Since then, he keeps "researching" her bike and sending her information. He keeps asking her every time she rides her bike how it ran (because she is still trying to fine tune the jetting),  so he spent time searching a dirt bike group he is in about someone having the same issue with their bike but fixed it, so he searches for it and then sends it to her. I just feel like he's going beyond being nice. Now my husband is a friendly guy and he is well known to a lot of people including the group she rides with, so I don't know if he's just trying to be extra helpful because he knows all of the people and he feels like if he's not they'll have a different opinion of him or if he's just "enjoying" the fact she's a female working on her bike and is like the attention. 

This is causing some issues in me because of all the resentment I guess I've built up and the hurt that he doesn't seem to care about my feelings and bring in the fact he wants to control my faith (which he literally makes it seem like I'm having an affair with my faith)  it's been really hard for me to show him kindness, I've been really pushing away the last few weeks a wall is going up, I feel like I've been thinking of divorce a lot satan is having a hay day with me. I just feel so overwhelmed with so much.

[worriedwife69]

I'm feeling so worried and stressed about this. Again today out of the blue he did yet MORE research on her bike and gave her more information offering to order under his account new jets and needles for her bike. So of course she said yes. I would understand all of this way more IF she came to him and he worked on her bike and she was paying him, but he helped her for FREE and is doing all of this for FREE. I simply asked why and that I felt really uncomfortable about it, he thinks it's stupid that it's bothering me because I can see everything they are talking about, he said he is simply trying to help her jet her bike right. I explained I understood that IF she were paying him but he's doing all of this for FREE. He just got angry with me. I don't want to start something that isn't there and he's right I can see everything I just feel and maybe it's my issue and stemming from his cheating that he feels "good" that he's helping a female out and she enjoys working on her own bike I don't know. I'm just feeling so anxious right now. It doesn't help that I can't even talk to him and that he just gets mad so I have to stuff it inside yet again. why am I not seeing God helping me through this? am I not listening, is it me?

[BK1110]

First and foremost I would worry about his salvation. Do you pray daily for it? Have you gotten other Christians involved in praying for him?

I would suggest you start a prayer request for his salvation in the prayer request section. You and him are never going to see eye-to-eye on a moral issue like this when your base of morality is totally different.

[worriedwife69]

Yes I have been praying faithfully for his salvation for 3 1/2 years. I do have others praying as well, but I don't have a lot contact with christian women around me because he doesn't even like it when I go to church therefore I highly doubt he would let me join a womens bible study. But I do put him on my churchs prayer list all the time.

I agree but as others have maybe suggested that this might be my issue, my insecurity that I have to deal with that's what I'm trying to figure out. Is he stepping beyond an appropriate boundary or is he just simply being a "nice" guy? That's where I am very confused, I don't want me and any of my insecurities make the wrong choices. I've been praying and praying. thank you

[Marilyn C]

On ‎28‎/‎04‎/‎2018 at 5:53 AM, worriedwife69 said:

I'm feeling so worried and stressed about this. Again today out of the blue he did yet MORE research on her bike and gave her more information offering to order under his account new jets and needles for her bike. So of course she said yes. I would understand all of this way more IF she came to him and he worked on her bike and she was paying him, but he helped her for FREE and is doing all of this for FREE. I simply asked why and that I felt really uncomfortable about it, he thinks it's stupid that it's bothering me because I can see everything they are talking about, he said he is simply trying to help her jet her bike right. I explained I understood that IF she were paying him but he's doing all of this for FREE. He just got angry with me. I don't want to start something that isn't there and he's right I can see everything I just feel and maybe it's my issue and stemming from his cheating that he feels "good" that he's helping a female out and she enjoys working on her own bike I don't know. I'm just feeling so anxious right now. It doesn't help that I can't even talk to him and that he just gets mad so I have to stuff it inside yet again. why am I not seeing God helping me through this? am I not listening, is it me?

Hi worriedwife,

It is a difficult time for you, and these are times we can press in closer to God. God is concerned with changing us, whereas we want the situation fixed. Relationships are a process. Now this is what I see concerning your husband. He is helping someone and is getting appreciation for doing that. We all like to be appreciated and it feels good to help others. I understand how it is for you, as trust is built, and you see this helping as inappropriate. Your hubby does not see it that way.

So my suggestion is that you look to the Lord to help you be the best wife you can. Be encouraging, supportive of him helping others, thankful that he looks after the family, appreciate him and he will be drawn and not driven away by criticism.

praying, Marilyn.

[worriedwife69]

Thank you Marilyn, I have been praying so much about this. I know this is a sin but I find it very hard to "show" him love when he acts like he just doesn't care or even want to listen to my feelings, I guess deep down I feel like if he thinks I approve of it then he'll keep going further with it. I have been really seeing how he has been acting nice to me, going out of his way to help me which is my husbands non communicative way of showing me he loves me, but he needs me right now because he just had knee surgery a week and a half ago. I'm praying thank you again. I know satan is going to try and get me to see all the bad

[Marilyn C]

15 hours ago, worriedwife69 said:

Thank you Marilyn, I have been praying so much about this. I know this is a sin but I find it very hard to "show" him love when he acts like he just doesn't care or even want to listen to my feelings, I guess deep down I feel like if he thinks I approve of it then he'll keep going further with it. I have been really seeing how he has been acting nice to me, going out of his way to help me which is my husbands non communicative way of showing me he loves me, but he needs me right now because he just had knee surgery a week and a half ago. I'm praying thank you again. I know satan is going to try and get me to see all the bad

Hi worriedwife,

Good on you, keep trying. And yes the enemy can paint a really bad picture of someone, and we forget the good they are doing. None of us is perfect, and we all have areas we need to grow in. It seems us ladies need to encourage our men more, who often are more the silent type, but show care, (as you said) by doing things for us. That is men`s way, and it takes a lot of practice for men to tune into our feelings, when, (think about it) all their life men are told NOT to feel but be a man. That is the world`s idea of manhood. Anyway as we learn to appreciate each other then the other person has room to grow.

Now my hubby is a farmer and he helps two sisters down the road on their farm. Sometimes he does help for free and sometimes charges if carting hay. They would do a job together, laugh, joke etc and I have learnt that this is helping my hubby in his gifting as a `helper,` and also as a man that others appreciate him and he can converse with women without the sexual side, (that the world constantly barrages men with.)

So let`s be their main encourager and even say how proud you are of him helping others. That will help put the enemy`s lies to rest, and make you a team with your hubby and not being split apart which Satan continually tries to do.

Still praying, Marilyn.

[worriedwife69]

Thank you Marilyn for sharing with me. I know that's my husband personality and he enjoys helping people with something that is his passion and maybe that's where my jealousy comes from the fact that although I do ride dirt bikes with him, I"m probably not as good as this woman, I can take it or leave it and have no interest in "working" on my bike, although my hubby just has always done it, I do help him a lot because he needs "two" hands sometimes but dirt bike riding is his passion and it's hard not to feel jealousy or bitterness and resentment to the fact that that is all he talks about, he could care less to do anything I enjoy doing, like I love the beach, I don't necessarily enjoy walking for hours on the beach but there are certain areas I like to go, but he does not like the beach and wont go along with other stuff, dirt biking is all he talks about. I took up dirt bike riding because I wanted to spend time with him even though I have never loved it, he just flat out will say no I don't want to do this or that with things I want to do. He will say things like, if I can't ride I have nothing to live for, that is hurtful, he has me, his kids. I'm sure he doesn't mean it like that but it hurts .Plus I get what you are saying about appreciating him and he's being helpful ect. but I just rarely ever see him do so much research for someone like he has for her when he hasn't been paid to work on their stuff. Again, I'm sure the enemy is instilling a lot of these feelings I"m pressing closer to God through this. I'm really trying. Thanks again for sharing with me.

[Marilyn C]

8 hours ago, worriedwife69 said:

Thank you Marilyn for sharing with me. I know that's my husband personality and he enjoys helping people with something that is his passion and maybe that's where my jealousy comes from the fact that although I do ride dirt bikes with him, I"m probably not as good as this woman, I can take it or leave it and have no interest in "working" on my bike, although my hubby just has always done it, I do help him a lot because he needs "two" hands sometimes but dirt bike riding is his passion and it's hard not to feel jealousy or bitterness and resentment to the fact that that is all he talks about, he could care less to do anything I enjoy doing, like I love the beach, I don't necessarily enjoy walking for hours on the beach but there are certain areas I like to go, but he does not like the beach and wont go along with other stuff, dirt biking is all he talks about. I took up dirt bike riding because I wanted to spend time with him even though I have never loved it, he just flat out will say no I don't want to do this or that with things I want to do. He will say things like, if I can't ride I have nothing to live for, that is hurtful, he has me, his kids. I'm sure he doesn't mean it like that but it hurts .Plus I get what you are saying about appreciating him and he's being helpful ect. but I just rarely ever see him do so much research for someone like he has for her when he hasn't been paid to work on their stuff. Again, I'm sure the enemy is instilling a lot of these feelings I"m pressing closer to God through this. I'm really trying. Thanks again for sharing with me.

Hi WW,

Thanks for the update. We (people here) are with you through this and it helps to know specifically what to pray for. Now I asked my hubby to read your letter and he has God`s wisdom. He said the feelings of ` jealousy, bitterness and resentment` are the ones you have to deal with. The situation has brought these feelings to the surface and they need dealing with. These are feelings we all have to work out with the Lord.

Now as to your hubby. Well as you`ve been married 28 years I think you both will be late 40`s or early 50`s. Thus I see he enjoys a good physical break from work and doing exciting stuff. He is in a group and it is a friend`s wife/girlfriend he has helped. Remember also that we are selfish beings, especially if not a Christian. Thus you can`t change him or nag him to change. Change comes from the inside and life has a way of confronting us. 

So...I suggest keep having bike rides with him sometimes, and then also go out with a girlfriend. You need to not have all your life wrapped around your husband. He cannot fulfil you and you cannot fulfil him. We are to encourage each other, and be a support. Your husband does do some things for you, and although you would love to have him share other areas, it does not always turn out that way.

Be thankful for what you have at this stage and look to the Lord as you work on the wrong feelings. When they come, think of good things your husband does and cut the enemy off at the pass, as it were.

praying, Marilyn.    

[SisterActs2]

Hi WW

I have been reading the advice you have received from Marilyn C with help from her hubby.  I have experienced help from this lovely couple before and I can definitely back up what they have said.

In the past I have been taught, as a Christian, I can only find my fulfilment in God.  I "feel your pain" as your husband does not show interest in what you want to do.  I understand that you feel left out and this is not good for any wife.  Perhaps this is the time God has chosen for you to draw near to Him, and know that God alone can fulfil your every need.  It seems to me that God may be bringing to light things you need to deal with, as highlighted by Marilyn's husband.  If you have not already done so, take these things to Him and ask Him to help you deal with them and then give it all to Him.  Maybe if this happens then your husband will see that you are not emotionally dependant on him, even though you love him, and perhaps this will cause him see things in a different light.

Put your trust in the Lord.  I am not saying you haven't already done this, but I guess I have found in my life there are different levels we reach in trusting Him and He will often do the unexpected!  May God bless you and bring your husband into the place where he surrenders all to Jesus.  1 Pet. 3:1.

Edited May 1, 2018 by SisterActs2
changed "he" to "your husband"