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Why does my ex husband cause me to be an adulter when he left me and remarried?


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I want to preface this by stating my ex husband left me for several different women. I was abused by him and cheated on. I tried to get past his adultery but when he threw “the Bible says you are to do as I say” in my face about going to school and reading the Bible it really hurt me emotionally. So much that I decided to live separate from him for a while. It wasn’t until he met his fiancée that he stopped playing a flip flop game about if he “wanted me” or not. 

Fast forward 4 years he continues to ignore me and cause me great pain. He belittled me and uses our child as a weapon to hurt me regularly. Honestly I feel like Hagar all the time. It is killing me emotionally. His new woman is blinded and I pray for her often because the physical abuse and anger he has is just not normal. Yet he deceives the world with how “faithful he is to God”. I am not perfect and I can’t preach or even share wisdom with these people. 

Everyone tells me that the Bible has all the answers...I believe that but honestly I need something that gives me that Aha moment where I know God will deliver me from this pain. I cannot take much more 4 years and I still cry over him forcing me to be a sinner and become an adulterer. It makes me so hurt. 

I do have a good man in the picture now who treats me much better I would like to marry but I just need some help sorting out my thoughts. Please send prayers and any stories in the Bible that may help me feel better...I really just need a good Christian friend. Female preferred but not required 

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9 hours ago, Choyaa said:

I want to preface this by stating my ex husband left me for several different women. I was abused by him and cheated on. I tried to get past his adultery but when he threw “the Bible says you are to do as I say” in my face about going to school and reading the Bible it really hurt me emotionally. So much that I decided to live separate from him for a while. It wasn’t until he met his fiancée that he stopped playing a flip flop game about if he “wanted me” or not. 

Fast forward 4 years he continues to ignore me and cause me great pain. He belittled me and uses our child as a weapon to hurt me regularly. Honestly I feel like Hagar all the time. It is killing me emotionally. His new woman is blinded and I pray for her often because the physical abuse and anger he has is just not normal. Yet he deceives the world with how “faithful he is to God”. I am not perfect and I can’t preach or even share wisdom with these people. 

Everyone tells me that the Bible has all the answers...I believe that but honestly I need something that gives me that Aha moment where I know God will deliver me from this pain. I cannot take much more 4 years and I still cry over him forcing me to be a sinner and become an adulterer. It makes me so hurt. 

I do have a good man in the picture now who treats me much better I would like to marry but I just need some help sorting out my thoughts. Please send prayers and any stories in the Bible that may help me feel better...I really just need a good Christian friend. Female preferred but not required 

Hello, Choyaa....I'm Jayne.

You aren't an adulteress according to Jesus.  He gave an exception for fornication - a spouse sleeping with another - for remarriage.  Your husband has slept with someone outside his relationship with you - you are free to re-marry without being labeled an adulteress.

Jesus was speaking to husbands in Matthew 5 and in Matthew 19.  A group of men, Pharisees, are trying to trick him about divorce and they claim that Moses "allowed" divorce when he said a man had to give a bill in writing to his wife.  Moses was trying to protect women from hard-hearted husbands.  So says Jesus in Matthew 19.

You have to remember, only men could divorce according to the law.  The Pharisees, scribes and more took Moses proclamation about divorce to mean that a man could divorce his wife for any and all reasons - even if she just didn't look pretty anymore.  The law was twisted into a hateful way of dismissing a wife when she just didn't suit you anymore.

When Jesus said in Matthew 5:32 that a divorced caused a woman to commit adultery - he was shaming cruel husbands.  Jesus had to take things that they had been taught wrongly - murder, adultery, oaths, revenge vs. restitution and more - and teach them the true meanings.

Jesus is putting the blame on the husband who divorces for frivolous reasons for putting the wife in the position of adultery if she remarried.  In those days, she would have no choice but to remarry to be taken care of.  And the husband, for putting her away without cause, put her in that position.

Your husband has been unfaithful.  You do not HAVE to remarry.  You could pray for him and be rejoined.  That would take great pray and a great transformation.  But you can remarry without fault.  I would take some time to spend with God and building up a relationship with him outside the spiritual abuse from your husband's cruel interpretation of what it means to be man and wife before I even thought about re-marriage.

 

 

 

 

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Good afternoon Jayne

At this point, it would be impossible to get back with him. He has married another. Your words are of great comfort. Can I ask you something maybe you can help me with? My ex and I are legally divorced now and we share custody of our daughter. According to the law he has been charged with financially supporting her 40% (IE child support and health insurance). Luckily, I have a job that God gave me that I live pretty well financially on my own. I do struggle here and there but I have absolutely no financial support from my ex. He randomly throws these fits when I mention that it is his responsibility to pay his debts and he has not. Yet he wants to have our daughter over to play house with his new wife 2 days a week (she cannot have kids apparently). In his words (not mine) he should not have to pay anything because it is joint custody. He literally sees her 2 days a week, does not care about her diet (she has celiac disease like I do), constantly abuses his new wife in front of her. When I get upset about him afflicting her I get basically, you are a bad Christian because you didn't do what I told you to do while we were married. Calling me names and just in general annoying me. I really try to not let it get to me but it does? Am I still under his authority? Is our daughter? 

I do have someone I am involved with now (after my ex-married not long ago). Will my daughter fall under her father's protection or my new partner? It is a really gray area. The way I was taught, the father has authority over his daughter until she marries. But what if the Father walked away? Does it even matter? 

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No, you are not under his authority.  He divorced you and married another woman.  No, if you are not married to the man you are seeing now, your daughter is not under his authority and neither are you.   And I beg you to study what "under his authority" means.  It has no remote meaning to what your husband was incorrectly teaching you and belittling you with.

Because at this point, he is NOT going to stop verbally abusing you and claiming that you are at fault in everything, you need to get counsel - legal and otherwise.  Your husband has the wrong idea about what joint custody is.  You will not be able to change his mind, but the courts can enforce it whether he likes it or not.

You need counsel - spiritual and emotional -  for yourself to crawl out from under the rat hole he dug for you and put you in before you let this new relationship go much further.

You need to study the Bible for yourself, make sure your daughter is trained in it, and become a woman who can stand on her own two feet - in every way - but especially emotionally, spiritually, and mentally - before you let this new relationship go any further.

Women who are abused verbally by ex-husbands tend to run to the exact same sort of man.

I would have as little contact with him as possible.  When dropping her off and picking her up from his house - unless there is an emergency, you don't have to speak a word.  Don't remind him anymore about child support because he isn't going to do it because you remind him, and if he picks a fight with you, smile and say, "I'll see you next time when I drop our daughter off and walk away."

Pray like mad for your ex-husband and his new wife and yourself and your daughter.

 

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14 hours ago, Choyaa said:

I want to preface this by stating my ex husband left me for several different women. I was abused by him and cheated on. I tried to get past his adultery but when he threw “the Bible says you are to do as I say” in my face about going to school and reading the Bible it really hurt me emotionally. So much that I decided to live separate from him for a while. It wasn’t until he met his fiancée that he stopped playing a flip flop game about if he “wanted me” or not. 

Fast forward 4 years he continues to ignore me and cause me great pain. He belittled me and uses our child as a weapon to hurt me regularly. Honestly I feel like Hagar all the time. It is killing me emotionally. His new woman is blinded and I pray for her often because the physical abuse and anger he has is just not normal. Yet he deceives the world with how “faithful he is to God”. I am not perfect and I can’t preach or even share wisdom with these people. 

Everyone tells me that the Bible has all the answers...I believe that but honestly I need something that gives me that Aha moment where I know God will deliver me from this pain. I cannot take much more 4 years and I still cry over him forcing me to be a sinner and become an adulterer. It makes me so hurt. 

I do have a good man in the picture now who treats me much better I would like to marry but I just need some help sorting out my thoughts. Please send prayers and any stories in the Bible that may help me feel better...I really just need a good Christian friend. Female preferred but not required 

Jesus said that fornication was grounds for divorce and re-marriage to be acceptable.  Your ex-husband cheated on you repeatedly.  You are free to re-marry if you wish, and you would not be an adulterer.  

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