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My journey through insomnia--a journal!


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When I don't get sleep, I usually get a lot of prayers done in my head. so that's the one good thing abotu insomnia, they are an opportunity to turn darkness into light, which is no easy feat. But I sometimes have 5+ hour nights which are utterly exhausting and taxing on the spirit.  

I used to take benadryl to help me go to sleep, but it gave me nightmares, weird thoughts, and lowered by sleep quality significantly. Ever since getting off Benadryl and other sleep meds I've been sleeping MUCH better... I usually fall asleep after about 2 hours in bed, It used to be much worse, but like you say sleep meds are no long term solution.  

But how grateful do you feel the next morning when you actually go to sleep! Thank God for each one of those, as they are very precious. I know that feeling very well. Good quality restful sleep is too important.   

Anyways, be sure not to expose yourself to blue light some hours before sleep, (monitors, television), if you're using a computer there is usually a setting to enable the "night light" to go on at certain hours, which changes the monitors blue light into red/orange, and don't drink any caffeine 4 hours before bed as I read it takes about 4 hours for caffeine to flush out the system.  

"We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. 4 Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses;5 in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; 6 in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; 7 in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left;8 through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; 9 known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; 10 sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything. -- 2 Corinthians 6:3-10

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Sorry to hear of your struggle Hiker Mom.

I liked what Opossum said about the time you can't sleep to think, pray upon the Lord.

Sometimes what I do before bed is that, I read the bible and meditate on the things read and kind of speak to God also who is our Eternal father who cares so much about us all, and I tell Him what is on my mind and I ask Him also for help concerning what is troubling me, then I release it into Gods hands and Trust that He has all under control.

Learning to trust God is also something that I learned to do as i seeked to get closer and closer to God. with every little step of faith and trust I place in God and His word, He is very faithful to respond back . That is how we find out more and more that truly our Christian walk is an ongoing relationship with Him. And like with any close loving relationship there is a symbiotic back and forth communication happening along with faith, faithfulness and trust towards one another.

I also sometimes listen to audio cassettes on spiritual topics. They kind of help to lull me to sleep on nights where I find it hard to get to sleep.

Praying for you Hiker Mom and that God help you to release yourself into a good noght sleep, handing over all your fears and concerns onto Him and Letting Him  take care of you.

God Bless;

1to3

A song I like to share:

God Will Take Care of You (Martin) | Civilla D. Martin
  1. Be not dismayed whate’er betide,
    God will take care of you;
    Beneath His wings of love abide,
    God will take care of you.
    • Refrain:
      God will take care of you,
      Through every day, o’er all the way;
      He will take care of you,
      God will take care of you.
  2. Through days of toil when heart doth fail,
    God will take care of you;
    When dangers fierce your path assail,
    God will take care of you.
  3. All you may need He will provide,
    God will take care of you;
    Nothing you ask will be denied,
    God will take care of you.
  4. No matter what may be the test,
    God will take care of you;
    Lean, weary one, upon His breast,
    God will take care of you.

 

If you google this title on you tube you will get the hymn song.

God Will Take Care of You - Hymn

 
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Thanks to both of you for the concerns!  What a great song 1to3.  Praise songs really help me right now...so I will definitely add that one to my list!!

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Yesterday morning I had made a determination not to give in to self-pity any longer.  I have told God often how much insomnia hurts, but I really felt that I needed to make sure I was not allowing myself to feel pity for myself any longer about this.  I went on a hike with friends in Glacier Park, but that morning and on the way home from the park I felt so much depression.  When I got home, I spent time asking God to give me peace no matter my circumstances.  After a good cry and asking for peace I felt much better.  I did some singing and it lifted my spirits so much. 

Reading a wonderful book called, "Hind's Feet on High Places."   It is a theology of suffering.  Last night I read chapter 12.  In this chapter, the main character called "Much-Afraid" begins singing praises to God in order to drown out the voices of her enemies--Fear, Bitterness, Resentment, Pride and Self-Pity.  

Thankfully I slept really, really well last night.  But God is in charge, and I know I can't MAKE sleep happen.  So I am determined to not have self-pity to the best of my ability.  I find that singing praise songs really does help me hang on and sometimes really brings me hope.   

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I do believe God is beginning to really heal me.  About 3-4 days ago I experienced another day of such deep depression over this.  I decided to sing praises again and what relief.  Such peace.  1to3 I used your song once as well.  God has shown me that there is a way to peace in all circumstances.  Not that He will necessarily change the circumstances unless it is His will.  But that peace may be found in any circumstance of life.  I do believe that He wants to heal this completely in His time....It is all about fear.  Fear of His will.  This is about a surrendering to whatever His will is for my life.  

Philippians 4:6-7.  The decision to praise Him in all circumstances is vital to our peace.

 

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I have terrific news if anyone has been reading this.  My depression with this has been so severe at times that I've indulged in suicidal thoughts.  I had talked with two counselors in the past who thought that none of my issues were related to me wanting to leave my church.  I was told by one of them that I was just grieving not having control over my sleep...not being able to fix it. 

That did resonate with me but I have always believed that if a person is depressed, they need to make changes.  I felt I had done a pretty good job accepting the insomnia but continued to really, REALLY struggle with depression.  I have been doing all the "right" things.  Getting up and being productive, reading the Bible and serving others.  But STILL this horrible depression.  So yesterday I told God that I would go back to my church, even though I don't agree with all their beliefs and have been terribly hurt by how they treated my daughter who is gay.  

Don't get me wrong, I would never attend a church that said acting on homosexuality was not a sin.  I would not go somewhere where they were basically saying to gay people to act on it, to destroy themselves.  But at the same time, the attitude of condemnation (which I have seen also on this forum) is painful and does nothing to help a person who struggles with homosexuality.   When people talk about gay people as gross or disgusting or even saying their behavior is gross or disgusting it hurts the person and their family who dearly loves them terribly.  Slander and gossip and condemnation are just as ugly.  If neither you nor someone you love deeply has ever struggled with this issue, you should be grateful.  And if we have not struggled with it, we should be careful how we talk about it.

Anyway, my first thought about returning to my church was that I felt that I was betraying my daughter.  That made me think I had some unforgiveness still to deal with in my heart.  But I decided maybe God is trying to tell me to go back and just love people where they are at--just as I want Christians to do for my daughter.   I immediately began to feel a weight lifted off of me.  And over a day later, I still am feeling free of depression...even though my sleep is still not back to normal.

I don't know if the depression will return, but I suspect not.  I think this is just one more step toward healing for me!!  Praise God!  I hope this will one day help someone else dealing with insomnia...

Edited by HikerMom
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I've been relatively inactive online lately and just found this thread.  It was good to see the change that occurred in the past weeks.  I was happy to read the positive changes that are occurring.  

Here's a FWIW post that may or may not apply or be of much use.  The couple times in my life where I went through severe (at least for me) emotional hardships I realize in hindsight were ultimately times where God was dealing with deep-rooted things inside of me that needed to change.

The first time was about 10 years ago.  Over a period of about a year, it seemed that opportunities for ministry vanished and my job hit a dead end.  My whole life I'd been heavily involved in various ministries and I hit a point where I couldn't find a single ministry to get involved with.  I ended up with a boss at work who put me in a corner and wouldn't let me do anything except meaningless busy work.   I started to shut down and spent about a year in a shell.  To make a long story short, God was dealing with me that I had made my identity out of my talents, gifts, ministry activities, accomplishments, etc.  He put me in front of a mirror and I had no clue who I really was.  He spent the next year or so slowly revealing who He made me to be.  This ended up being a deep profound change that has completely transformed me.  Gifts, talents, experience, etc. are now tools to be wielded to create beauty and lasting artistry in other people rather than chalk up "accomplishments" and be "fruitful".   I now truly see everyone through the filter of "I wonder what unique special things God has placed within this person I am looking at" rather than the filter of trying to fix problems or figuring out what "useful" things I can help them do.  This was a time of radical change along with a lot of healing that occurred in many parts of my life that I had accepted as normal.

The second time started about 3 years ago.  God started dealing with me about anger in my life.  If it was anger at people, I'd have immediately recognized it.  But it was anger at systems, processes, injustice, etc.  Basically, I was eating myself up inside over things that were not my burden to carry.  After I hit a point of physical collapse and left my job and unplugged from the internet (during the 2016 election), it took me about a year to really change gears.  It does sometimes take awhile to change engrained patterns of thought and feeling.  One of the things I had started to struggle with was sleep.  I'd hit a point where I'd go to bed about 10PM, and on a good night, wake up about 1 or 2, and then would read for an hour or so until I got tired again.  Many nights, I'd be doing good to get a couple stretches of 2 to 3 hours of continuous sleep.  I had gotten so used to nights basically being a couple long naps I'd come to think of that as normal.  About 9 months after I left my job (and started to effectively deal with anger) that I realized I had slept through the night twice in a row.  I had forgotten that was a normal pattern of sleep for me.  In hindsight, for me, major sleep disruption was usually a sign that something was seriously wrong with something else.

In another FWIW, somewhere along the line in the past couple of years, I inadvertently figured out a way to monitor my sleep.  During the stretch where my sleep was slowly getting back to normal, I had gotten used to just getting up at night and reading for awhile whenever I felt like I couldn't fall back asleep.  I decided it would be better to stay in bed but have something constructive to do with no stress or obligation associated with it.  I was learning Spanish so I decide to practice a few "boring" parts of things if I woke up at night.  I started practicing counting numbers since it was something I did need to learn better.  As my counting in Spanish got better, I started counting via a 123, 234, 345, 456, type of pattern to slow myself down and require more mental effort.  I inadvertently found that doing this let me keep track of my sleep.  There were some times that I could swear I was wide awake, but realized I hadn't even counted to 10 before I fell back asleep.  I can now often "measure" my awaking by how far I counted during the night.    If I have a restless night, I'll start counting in Spanish, and then try to pick up where I left off as I wake up and fall asleep.  I've realized that unless I can clearly count to 100 or so, I'm falling back asleep fairly quickly.  Many nights (where I would before have gotten up to read), it turns out I've barely made it to 20 or 30 over the entire night.

 

 

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Thanks for sharing, Gandolph!  I definitely have had an issue feeling pretty angry about Christians being critical.  I think it probably stems from the fact that I am a "recovering Pharisee" and also the fact that I see that as a factor in my daughter's decision to become an atheist.  I've always thought Jesus got pretty angry at the Pharisees in Scripture.  But I can see now how much I dwelt on that anger rather than asking God to help me forgive.

Today after I left from church, I felt the depression again.  I only slept a few hours last night, so I am not sure if the depression is from lack of sleep or just discouragement again.  Or if it could be some other anger issue I am not recognizing? I know I left church with the feeling of not being a part of that community.  So maybe it is just going to take time? Maybe I am expecting to get healing too soon.  I have deprived myself of Christian community for a long time.   It is no wonder that I don't feel a part.  And maybe it is just going to take time for the feelings of forgiveness to come around even though I am moving in that direction now.

Anyway...looking back on my original decision to leave a few years ago (I didn't really leave but just slowly pulled back), I felt a ton of anxiety about it and wanted to find support that I was making the right decision.  I see all that now as a sign that deep down, I was pretty sure it was a bad decision.   I never do well without community.  Maybe there is a healthier church out there, but to leave my church because I was angry was a terrible decision. 

I spoke with a KLove pastor yesterday who recommended me reading, "Bait of Satan," by John Bevere.  I started reading but theologically it was hard for me.  So I ordered Brant Hansens's book called, "Unoffendable."  I just started reading it and like it much better.  Both books are on the same topic. 

Gandolph, I am so encouraged by your testimony.  I definitely believe God is "dealing with me" as He did you.  I just have to trust that God will make a way for me....Please share any insight you may have from reading this and also what is an FWIW?

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FWIW = For what it's worth.   :) 

I'll try to get back to you in the next day or so after I get a chance to slow down and think more clearly.  We're in the middle of packing and moving so my mind is not in the most reflective and helpful mode right at the moment.  :) 

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Doing much, much better this morning.  I spent a few hours awake in the night thinking about things and feeling like God is showing me just how much I've messed this particular situation up. ?  He will make a way.  I may need to talk with a few people that may be feeling offended which doesn't exactly sound appealing.  I will give it time though.  People in my church tend to ignore you when they are angry rather than coming to you.  I will give it time and ask God to show me the way.   

The main thing is to do whatever I feel God showing me to do.  How anyone else handles things is between them and God.  I did make amends with an old friend as well over the weekend.  It felt good.  Not sure that she is totally a safe person, but I will give it a shot again and will try addressing boundary violations if they happen.... So important I think to try to talk things out.

Reading a book called, "Unoffendable."  SUCH a great book to encourage handling anger and offense well.

Blessings!  And I hope your move is going well, Gandalf!

 

 

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