Jump to content
IGNORED

My journey through insomnia--a journal!


Recommended Posts


  • Group:  Royal Member
  • Followers:  24
  • Topic Count:  40
  • Topics Per Day:  0.02
  • Content Count:  1,459
  • Content Per Day:  0.61
  • Reputation:   2,377
  • Days Won:  2
  • Joined:  08/23/2017
  • Status:  Offline

I'm taking a nice break out on our patio in the nice weather with our dog laying down next to me.  To make a long story short, God's been orchestrating the timing on many things related to the move.

Over the years, I've come to view each of us as being unique creations of God meant to reflect His glory in a way unique to each of us.  Between original sin, our own sins, spiritual and emotional attacks from the enemy, spiritual and emotional trauma from the world and others, societal expectations, etc, we've become a mixture of God's treasure and artistry, brokenness, and corruption.  I've come to see that God's work in our life is a combination of healing and fixing brokenness, cleaning out corruption, and polishing and crafting the treasure.  I've found that some of the things that I thought were supposed to be a natural part of my personality weren't, and that some things that I thought were flesh or sin were indeed part the person God intended me to be.

What I had long considered to be the virtues of meekness and patience toward others was really a bad combination of self-doubt and weakness.  What I had considered passion and caring were obsessing over things I couldn't change.  On the other side of things, I often shut down the things that I was best at because I had become convinced serving God was about giving up what we were good at and felt deepest about.  I had created an identity for myself of being a "good Christian" and valuing myself based on what use I was to God and the church and other people.  Basically, I was living life to make God and other people happy.

The first long desert experience I went through was really about God helping me shed the masks of being a good Christian, father, husband, employee, citizen, etc. to figure out who I really was meant to be.  The second desert experience was about learning to spend my time and focus doing what God created me to do.  Both of those took some time for me to spiritually and emotionally and physically recalibrate myself to the new reality.   When I end up physically collapsing at work and then leaving that job, it took me close to a year to really make the adjustment to a new style of life.  The first 3 or 4 months, it was extremely hard for me to just shutdown and do nothing after a lifetime of high energy and focus.  I felt like I was supposed to be doing something...anything... but God wanted me to learn to be able to stop and just enjoy sitting outside listening to birds and insects and watching leaves rustle.  It took months before my stress levels dropped to normal levels and I found I could just enjoy living in the present without my mind constantly racing.  For the first few months, it was rough.  My body was so accustomed to operating at high stress levels that whenever anything happened around me (the dog barking loudly, my wife turning on the food processor, etc.), it felt like a physical shock to my system.  I couldn't even watch stressful things (e.g. Ice Road Truckers) on TV without feeling physical effects.  Now, instead of spending the next decade of my life working until retirement, I'm semi-retired, relatively relaxed, and able to focus on research and writing.

@HikerMom Deep inside of you, is the person God has created you to be.  Perhaps a dancer, artist, healer, dreamer, explorer, or something else glorious and exciting beyond the mundane expectations put upon us.  Here's a link to a video montage I put in the videos forum at WCF that tries to express this type of idea.  https://www.worthychristianforums.com/topic/221226-who-are-you/     Over years and decades, we become so used to properly fitting into school, family, church, work, etc., that we lose sight of who God has made us to be.  Our priorities start to reflect the expectations and limitations put on us rather than on the freedom of walking with God as the unique person He created us to be.  We often get so caught up in fixing the everyday details of life that we lose sight of the grand lifelong adventure God wants us to walk on with Him.  I spent decades of my life concerned with "what does God want me to do?" when I should have been more concerned with "who does God want me to be?"  I found that as I learned more and more who God made me to be that my relationships with others became better and more healthy.   In my journey, there were some things the God seemed to heal and fix near instantaneously, and other things that needed to be a longer process of adjustment and change.  I'm wondering if part of what you are going through now is part of what God is doing to free you to become more and more the beautiful treasure that God created you to be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


  • Group:  Members
  • Followers:  1
  • Topic Count:  7
  • Topics Per Day:  0.00
  • Content Count:  94
  • Content Per Day:  0.04
  • Reputation:   81
  • Days Won:  0
  • Joined:  12/31/2017
  • Status:  Offline

@GandalfTheWise

Thanks so much for your response!  Glad to hear the move is going well. 

I think I have a little more perspective today on the depression.  I really think it is similar to your second experience where God was really refining you over the anger issue.  It is a surrendering to Him on a few different fronts.  I have struggled with anger at this church over the years.  And I even left the church at one point but eventually came back when it didn't work out.  This last go around really began over my daughter's situation.   So I was angry at my church and terrified my daughter was going to commit suicide.  I have really, really been a mess. 

think God is trying to show me that He will take care of me and to accept whatever His plan for me in life is.  And He also wants me to come to forgiveness.  I am not sure whether God cares what specific church we go to...But it seems to me that maybe He has placed me in this particular church for His purposes.  I really believe that when He puts people together, He is trying to do something in the lives of both parties.  I wish I could write it or explain it as eloquently as you, but that is what I think He is wanting from me out of this awful trial....He allowed me to go without sleep to get my attention.  He wants me to accept His plans for my life, to grow my trust of Him, and to deal better with anger.

 

5 hours ago, GandalfTheWise said:

Over the years, I've come to view each of us as being unique creations of God meant to reflect His glory in a way unique to each of us.  Between original sin, our own sins, spiritual and emotional attacks from the enemy, spiritual and emotional trauma from the world and others, societal expectations, etc, we've become a mixture of God's treasure and artistry, brokenness, and corruption.  I've come to see that God's work in our life is a combination of healing and fixing brokenness, cleaning out corruption, and polishing and crafting the treasure.  I've found that some of the things that I thought were supposed to be a natural part of my personality weren't, and that some things that I thought were flesh or sin were indeed part the person God intended me to be.

Here I believe you are talking about identity in Christ.  I struggled with that in the past and eventually came to much the same place as you....knowing the value, worth and uniqueness of every single person God created.  Maybe I forgot it as I was holding anger towards my church here.  I don't know.  It is ok to be angry..just not to stay that way and not to act on it in a way that is hurtful to others.  Now I am waiting for God to help me mend those relationships and to be used for the purpose He created me.  I know I am an encourager and that gift has gone somewhat to waste recently.  But I know He will make a way for me, and hopefully in the process, my sleep will return!

 

5 hours ago, GandalfTheWise said:

 I felt like I was supposed to be doing something...anything... but God wanted me to learn to be able to stop and just enjoy sitting outside listening to birds and insects and watching leaves rustle.  It took months before my stress levels dropped to normal levels and I found I could just enjoy living in the present without my mind constantly racing.

I have just been studying Ecclesiastes and this was one of the major themes, Gandalf...."So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun."  Ecclesiastes 8:15

 

5 hours ago, GandalfTheWise said:

 What I had considered passion and caring were obsessing over things I couldn't change.  

This really resonates with me right now.  I have just been so incredibly frustrated with Christians in general.  I want people to be nicer, less critical, less judgmental.  I can be an encouragement, but only God can change hearts and right now He REALLY is working on mine to free me from this bitterness about this towards Christians.  When our relationships with others suffer, then our relationship with God suffers.

 

5 hours ago, GandalfTheWise said:

In my journey, there were some things the God seemed to heal and fix near instantaneously, and other things that needed to be a longer process of adjustment and change.  I'm wondering if part of what you are going through now is part of what God is doing to free you to become more and more the beautiful treasure that God created you to be.

Yes, I agree.  I just need to be patient as God works His healing....Thanks, Gandalf!!  You have been an encouragement!  Please pray for me as you think of me!  Blessings!!

 

 

 

 

Edited by HikerMom
Link to comment
Share on other sites


  • Group:  Diamond Member
  • Followers:  5
  • Topic Count:  57
  • Topics Per Day:  0.01
  • Content Count:  1,382
  • Content Per Day:  0.27
  • Reputation:   1,797
  • Days Won:  0
  • Joined:  12/24/2009
  • Status:  Offline

I've skimmed through this and will read it more thoroughly a little later after I get morning stuff out of the way, but ouch! I've suffered from insomnia on and off as well, sometimes for months at a time, so I can certainly relate. It's amazing how alive and different you feel when you finally get a good night's sleep (I did a few nights ago so it's fresh on my mind). In my own case I know that in part I've also been harboring some anger against someone in addition to the anxiety I tend to suffer from. I've been struggling with it for a while, and at some point Ephesians 4:26 (Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger) sprang to mind and really stuck out at me. Your insomnia is more geared around anxiety, but I feel like the principle is the same. Any unpleasant and unresolved emotions aren't going to do us any favors in the long run. Takes time to work through it all, but release from it is something to strive and pray for.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


  • Group:  Members
  • Followers:  1
  • Topic Count:  7
  • Topics Per Day:  0.00
  • Content Count:  94
  • Content Per Day:  0.04
  • Reputation:   81
  • Days Won:  0
  • Joined:  12/31/2017
  • Status:  Offline

 

@AnOrangeCat

Thanks so much for the encouragement.  Yes, I definitely think it centers around anxiety.  But the unresolved anger hasn't helped.  The depression is SO much better as I am working on that issue.  But the insomnia has gotten a bit worse the past week or so.  Now it is mostly fear of not sleeping and then not feeling well the next day.  Yesterday I hiked 8 miles in Glacier Park gaining 2300 feet in elevation.  You would have thought that then I would sleep...but no, I slept 5-6 hours at most.   But I am determined today not to feel sorry for myself.  To keep remembering how God is trying to do something good in this.  Yes, I am praying for healing but I know that sleep is the secondary issue.  He is trying to grow me to be ok with whatever He has planned for my life.  It is a valuable lesson, and I will be stronger in the end for having gone through this....And I am thankful that the depression part is lessening quite a bit...

Blessings, brother or sister??

  • Thumbs Up 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites


  • Group:  Royal Member
  • Followers:  24
  • Topic Count:  40
  • Topics Per Day:  0.02
  • Content Count:  1,459
  • Content Per Day:  0.61
  • Reputation:   2,377
  • Days Won:  2
  • Joined:  08/23/2017
  • Status:  Offline

@HikerMom  My wife likes hiking as well.  She and one of our daughters did the first 1000 or so miles of the AT a number of years ago.  She's been wanting to go back and do it again.

During the time I was decompressing from stress, one of the things I simply needed to do was shut down and completely get away from everything I was doing.  I was pestering God about what I should be doing next after leaving my job and having all that spare time in which to do important things.   One of the things I had worked on for years was learning to read the Bible in Greek.  I just felt like God was telling me, go read the Bible through in Greek and then we'll worry about what's next when I was done.  As it turns out, the process of doing that (which took about 3 or 4 months) forced me to mentally slow down and focus.  I couldn't just read at my normal rate but had to slow down and concentrate.  On average, I was putting in about 3 hours or so a day doing this.  The rewiring of a new language in my brain (which is basically what foreign language learning is) and practicing focusing on something calming for hours a day was a major part of slowing my thoughts down and stopping worrying and being angry about things.  As it turned out, doing something not directly related to what I thought I needed to be doing was fairly important during a mental and emotional transition from constant urgency to being in the present.  It was also the first time in many years that I actually stopped worrying about what I needed to be doing next, making plans, etc.  I'd just go sit on our patio with our dog, read, and listen to nature without thinking about other stuff.  The mental focus required to learn and read Greek prevented me from thinking about other stuff.  The more I did it, the more I got used to not thinking (or perhaps more accurately moping, obsessing, and brooding) over things that were not my responsibility to worry about.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites


  • Group:  Members
  • Followers:  1
  • Topic Count:  7
  • Topics Per Day:  0.00
  • Content Count:  94
  • Content Per Day:  0.04
  • Reputation:   81
  • Days Won:  0
  • Joined:  12/31/2017
  • Status:  Offline

@GandalfTheWise

Sounds like your wife is an amazing lady!  One thousand miles!!  Wow!!

18 hours ago, GandalfTheWise said:

During the time I was decompressing from stress, one of the things I simply needed to do was shut down and completely get away from everything I was doing.  I was pestering God about what I should be doing next after leaving my job and having all that spare time in which to do important things.   One of the things I had worked on for years was learning to read the Bible in Greek.  I just felt like God was telling me, go read the Bible through in Greek and then we'll worry about what's next when I was done.  As it turns out, the process of doing that (which took about 3 or 4 months) forced me to mentally slow down and focus.  I couldn't just read at my normal rate but had to slow down and concentrate.  On average, I was putting in about 3 hours or so a day doing this.  The rewiring of a new language in my brain (which is basically what foreign language learning is) and practicing focusing on something calming for hours a day was a major part of slowing my thoughts down and stopping worrying and being angry about things.  As it turned out, doing something not directly related to what I thought I needed to be doing was fairly important during a mental and emotional transition from constant urgency to being in the present.  It was also the first time in many years that I actually stopped worrying about what I needed to be doing next, making plans, etc.  I'd just go sit on our patio with our dog, read, and listen to nature without thinking about other stuff.  The mental focus required to learn and read Greek prevented me from thinking about other stuff.  The more I did it, the more I got used to not thinking (or perhaps more accurately moping, obsessing, and brooding) over things that were not my responsibility to worry about.

 

I think my issues are a bit different from yours.  I have never had much trouble being the "overachieving" type.  What I really have always struggled with is procrastination.  I don't have any trouble just wasting a day.... Now I have started making a list of goals each day that I want to accomplish the next day.  That one tiny step of writing down what I want to accomplish has improved my procrastination greatly.  It feels good to get things accomplished and to bless my family in that way.  

Since making the decision to return to church, my depression has improved greatly.  And I have once again refocused on not allowing myself to feel any self pity.  I think those decisions are making me feel almost normal again.  I slept decent last night but nothing like normal.  I believe that God is trying to do a work in this to make me a stronger person and to grow my faith and trust in Him.  He will heal me in His time.  I just keep reminding myself that He is doing this work in me right now and that I will not feel sorry for myself... And it feels like I am getting stronger emotionally.  

I used to be a Hospice volunteer, and I am a believer in allowing yourself to grieve.  But there comes a time when it becomes self pity.  I think maybe that is what has happened to me in this process.  I went from focusing on it all the time and trying to fix it, to grieving about not being able to fix it, to getting crazy busy to try not to think about it, and then back to grieving it again.  Exhausting!  Now I am feeling much more normal again..so I THINK I am getting where God wants me.... We will see!  He is faithful to show me what I need to do to grow and find healing, I believe...

Thanks so much for all of your encouragement, Gandalf!!

  • Thumbs Up 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites


  • Group:  Royal Member
  • Followers:  24
  • Topic Count:  40
  • Topics Per Day:  0.02
  • Content Count:  1,459
  • Content Per Day:  0.61
  • Reputation:   2,377
  • Days Won:  2
  • Joined:  08/23/2017
  • Status:  Offline

35 minutes ago, HikerMom said:

@GandalfTheWise

Sounds like your wife is an amazing lady!  One thousand miles!!  Wow!!

I think my issues are a bit different from yours.  I have never had much trouble being the "overachieving" type.  What I really have always struggled with is procrastination.  I don't have any trouble just wasting a day.... Now I have started making a list of goals each day that I want to accomplish the next day.  That one tiny step of writing down what I want to accomplish has improved my procrastination greatly.  It feels good to get things accomplished and to bless my family in that way.  

Since making the decision to return to church, my depression has improved greatly.  And I have once again refocused on not allowing myself to feel any self pity.  I think those decisions are making me feel almost normal again.  I slept decent last night but nothing like normal.  I believe that God is trying to do a work in this to make me a stronger person and to grow my faith and trust in Him.  He will heal me in His time.  I just keep reminding myself that He is doing this work in me right now and that I will not feel sorry for myself... And it feels like I am getting stronger emotionally.  

I used to be a Hospice volunteer, and I am a believer in allowing yourself to grieve.  But there comes a time when it becomes self pity.  I think maybe that is what has happened to me in this process.  I went from focusing on it all the time and trying to fix it, to grieving about not being able to fix it, to getting crazy busy to try not to think about it, and then back to grieving it again.  Exhausting!  Now I am feeling much more normal again..so I THINK I am getting where God wants me.... We will see!  He is faithful to show me what I need to do to grow and find healing, I believe...

Thanks so much for all of your encouragement, Gandalf!!

They had to drop out in VA because my daughter's feet were getting some nasty type of tendonitis.  She saw a doctor who basically told her to quit because she was risking serious injury if she kept at it.   They were so hyped for finishing all 2100 miles that they were crying when they had to stop.  They are now talking about when our granddaughter is older maybe trying to be the first 3 generation crew to do the entire Ice Age trail in WI or something like that.  

Cool.  We're all different and what we need to be doing at any point in time is often unique to us.  I enjoy reading and hearing the different ways in which God works in people's lives.    :) 

  • Loved it! 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites


  • Group:  Members
  • Followers:  1
  • Topic Count:  7
  • Topics Per Day:  0.00
  • Content Count:  94
  • Content Per Day:  0.04
  • Reputation:   81
  • Days Won:  0
  • Joined:  12/31/2017
  • Status:  Offline

@GandalfTheWise   

I need a bit of advice.  I attended church today for the second time since deciding to reconnect.  And I went to lunch with a group after services.  When I got home the depression was really intense.  Not as bad as last week but still bad.  I think it is just feeling disconnected.  And I think partly I really struggle with not wanting to connect still.  Anyway, it was rough.  I also felt as I have before that there may be a few people angry with me though I don't know the exact reason.  Maybe they have heard I attended another church recently or something negative I have said about our church.  I don't know.

So I don't know whether to go to them and ask if something is wrong or just give things some time.  I think part of the depression is anger at myself for getting myself into this position again.  I've wanted to leave in the past and it din't work out.  My thinking is that if God was fine with me leaving that church, things would have been much easier.  And I can see that I'd still have the same issue of really needing to learn to love people that are difficult for me.  

I am praying about it but also want your thoughts on whether I should go to someone and find out if I have offended them and apologize.  Or should I just keep going and working on loving and connecting and give God time to soften their hearts if they are angry.  It would be SO much easier if they would just come to me and talk with me rather than ignore me.  I know it is possible that I am imagining it but I doubt it.  I was fairly free of depression all week until after church again today...

Link to comment
Share on other sites


  • Group:  Junior Member
  • Followers:  1
  • Topic Count:  12
  • Topics Per Day:  0.01
  • Content Count:  82
  • Content Per Day:  0.04
  • Reputation:   41
  • Days Won:  0
  • Joined:  06/02/2018
  • Status:  Offline

A heart-wrenching predicament!  I will respond to both issues separately:

(1) Your Daughter's Desperate Situation: I retired as pastor from my church 3 years ago, but continue my membership in a small prayer group that meets every Monday for 2 hours.  For about 4 years, we have been praying for a member's daughter with issues even more severe than your daughter's, issue complicated by severe mental illness.  Our prayers have brought occasional improvements in her situation, followed by severe relapses.  But we persevered with our intercession and this has paid off wondrously.  Whereas previously this gal was too unstable and violent to live at home, now she has gained sufficient mental stability to do so.  Secondly, whereas in the past she would always refuse her essential medications (substituting addictive drugs for medications), now she has overcome her drug habit and faithfully takes her medications.  ASnd third, whereas she always refused counseling or therapy, now she regularly attends counseling and 12-Step groups, where she is making healthier friendships.  Our little prayer group has also witnessed miraculous healings, including blindness, blood clots, and a healing touch for a stroke case so severe that doctors guaranteed the death was imminent. 

Do you attend a regular prayer group composed of people of faith who get results for their intercession?  If you don't or if your church only has prayer groups that seem to just go through the motions and are little more than an emotonal support group, it is worth your while to call different churches  and explore other prayer groups to see if you can find one composed of people with faith that makes the decisive different. 

(2) I'm sure you have seen a doctor about your insomnia and have googled articles on various strategies for dealing with it.  So I'd make only 2suggestions in addition to joining a prayer group and asking for their intercession about this:

(a) Recognize that you can't "try" to believe.  The very concept of "trying" unconsciously creates the expectation of inevitable failure.  What you can do instead is regular place your need in God's tender care and ask for His protection and will to be done.  The relax in the arms of Jesus.

(b) Once you have joined the right prayer group, you can rrgularly remind yourself that you can't change the free will of your troubled daughter, but you are doing all that God expects of you by your regular attendance of this group.  God is in charge when we regularly participate in the righit prayer group.  

 

 

  • Thumbs Up 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites


  • Group:  Members
  • Followers:  1
  • Topic Count:  7
  • Topics Per Day:  0.00
  • Content Count:  94
  • Content Per Day:  0.04
  • Reputation:   81
  • Days Won:  0
  • Joined:  12/31/2017
  • Status:  Offline

@MadHermit  

Thanks so much for your encouragement.  I definitely believe in prayer!  Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!!  Blessings!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...