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HikerMom

My journey through insomnia--a journal!

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@MadHermit  

Thanks so much for your encouragement.  I definitely believe in prayer!  Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!!  Blessings!

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3 hours ago, HikerMom said:

@GandalfTheWise   

I need a bit of advice.  I attended church today for the second time since deciding to reconnect.  And I went to lunch with a group after services.  When I got home the depression was really intense.  Not as bad as last week but still bad.  I think it is just feeling disconnected.  And I think partly I really struggle with not wanting to connect still.  Anyway, it was rough.  I also felt as I have before that there may be a few people angry with me though I don't know the exact reason.  Maybe they have heard I attended another church recently or something negative I have said about our church.  I don't know.

So I don't know whether to go to them and ask if something is wrong or just give things some time.  I think part of the depression is anger at myself for getting myself into this position again.  I've wanted to leave in the past and it din't work out.  My thinking is that if God was fine with me leaving that church, things would have been much easier.  And I can see that I'd still have the same issue of really needing to learn to love people that are difficult for me.  

I am praying about it but also want your thoughts on whether I should go to someone and find out if I have offended them and apologize.  Or should I just keep going and working on loving and connecting and give God time to soften their hearts if they are angry.  It would be SO much easier if they would just come to me and talk with me rather than ignore me.  I know it is possible that I am imagining it but I doubt it.  I was fairly free of depression all week until after church again today...

Wow...I can understand why this is a struggle.  When feelings and problems seem to run contradictory to what should be helping and working out, things can be weird.  Nothing obvious is jumping out at me.  I'll meditate on this some more.  Also, it's been a long day and my faculties are definitely starting to fade right now.  I figured I'd get something out tonight.

Here are a few random thoughts.  I wonder if it's possible that a few people might feel you are mad at them and feel awkward around you resulting in mutual awkwardness?  Are there any small groups (prayer group or bible study maybe) that might be more comfortable to go to for awhile before pushing it more trying to reconnect with a church?

I was hoping to have some great insightful and helpful words that might help you relax tonight before bed time, but I'm coming up mostly blank.  :) 

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Posted (edited)

Thanks, Gandalf.  Small groups are pretty much over for the summer.  I am thinking of attending a Celebrate Recovery group just to be someplace healing for awhile.  I am praying for wisdom and God is faithful to answer.  I still think the depression is mostly me not wanting to go back and try to make it work or wishing I hadn't messed it up in the first place. What a mess we can get ourselves into.  I haven't had a chance to ask my husband yet. He has been working a 32 hour shift so I am waiting for him to catch up on sleep.  I have a feeling he will say leave it alone for now. 

Right now I feel like I should be patient and give things some time.  The depression after church was better this Sunday and so I am hopeful that in time, I will feel better.  I am just going to keep trying to do what I think God wants me to do.  But I would value your insights as well...

Edited by HikerMom
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On a positive note....I slept 8 really good hours last night...Praise the Lord, I do believe He is healing me...

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I suffer from a :wacko:crazy form of insomnia that has worsened over time. It's a long story. I'd have to start my own  thread to properly explain!! lol. It's complicated, rare and has gotten no help from doctors. :( Mine involves unwanted body jerking ( movement disorder symptoms ), etc that attack most viciously in bed ( seems to have something to do with trying to lie still.) Painful burning feet too. 

I ask you to pray because I know you can sympathize to the torments of insomnia (from experience.) This is to the point where I literally CAN'T SLEEP AT ALL, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! I am at my wits end! Lately, I've decided to stop fighting it. I wait until I outright crash from pure exhaustion. Worthy has given me a positive place to hang out through these long, torturous nights. I try to recoup sleep in the afternoons. Thank God, for whatever I can get..but it is far from enough.

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Posted (edited)

This might sound lame (dont be offended) to someone with proper insomnia but just incase it helps, I will post it on here:

Are you tired and know so well that you need to sleep but you are laying there annoyed and worried about tomorrow as you cannot sleep?


When you lay down, your pulse drops and your body regains energy anyway.

Why not do that for 30 minutes, and hour or learn 2 hours.


Lie down and tell yourself that your body is regaining energy and if I sleep then I sleep (nothing to worry about then).
what you will find is that with this thinking you will soon sleep anyway.

 

 

 

Again, please dont be offended: this might help people who dont get it so bad, it helped me a few times.

Edited by Sharky and George

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On 7/1/2018 at 10:31 PM, HikerMom said:

Thanks, Gandalf.  Small groups are pretty much over for the summer.  I am thinking of attending a Celebrate Recovery group just to be someplace healing for awhile.  I am praying for wisdom and God is faithful to answer.  I still think the depression is mostly me not wanting to go back and try to make it work or wishing I hadn't messed it up in the first place. What a mess we can get ourselves into.  I haven't had a chance to ask my husband yet. He has been working a 32 hour shift so I am waiting for him to catch up on sleep.  I have a feeling he will say leave it alone for now. 

Right now I feel like I should be patient and give things some time.  The depression after church was better this Sunday and so I am hopeful that in time, I will feel better.  I am just going to keep trying to do what I think God wants me to do.  But I would value your insights as well...

At times I've needed a small group with a handful of supportive people and at other times I've needed to be fully involved in a church.  I've been in some ministries and churches that were falling apart where my main ministry was just encouraging people and helping them hold together.  There are times it is best to call it quits and find a place to protect yourself.  There are times it's best to hang in there and things will improve.  I've had times where I should have given up much earlier than I did and I've had times where I'm glad I hung with it for another few months because things changed.

I think that the main thing is to not feel guilty over what you need.  There are times we are in a position to help others and there are times we need to be in a place that is healthy for us.  Over time, I guess I've more or less adopted the approach that I'll give something the best shot that I can, but when it starts to seriously affect me and my family, it's time to circle the wagons and make sure I'm spiritually healthy enough to minister to other people.

There are times it seems like I simply have a good sense of what God wants me to do and it works fine to do that.  Other times, it seems like God just starts setting circumstances in a way that I cannot ignore.  For example, this past winter, I was trying to get set up for involvement with a ministry at our church and nothing would work out.  It was truly frustrating because it seemed like everything was being shot down for no good reason.  As it turned out, God has us moving to a new town and there is no way I could have effectively carried out the planned ministry.

:) Hang in there.   

 

 

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Good morning @GandalfTheWise

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond!  I've been off the grid in Glacier Park for about a week.

There is SO much wisdom in all you say.  I really don't know all of God's plan in this mess I've been in.  Just trying to walk by faith and wait for him.  I suspect that in many ways I am still trying to fix the insomnia unconsciously and God is waiting for me to truly let go... As for the church situation, I am just going day to day walking by faith.  It just seems to me that God is telling me no as far as going to another church.  I really do believe it would be easier to change if it were His plan for me.  My husband doesn't want to change which is another big roadblock.  He is pretty insistent that he isn't leaving, and sitting with him in church is just such a special time for me.  God will give me what I need.  The Lord is my shepherd.  

Blessings, Gandalf and anyone else following this thread!

 

 

 

 

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