My parents won’t talk to me anymore because I’m not married.

[Christiangal]

18 minutes ago, MorningGlory said:

I can tell you what ISN'T and that is your parents treating you this way.  You can't change them you can only change how you react to them. Lead your life, lean on God, and trust Him to take you where He would have you go.  I will pray  for your peace with this situation. And welcome to Worthy.  ?

Thank you everyone. Yeah. It’s like they’re mad at me because they can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. Like they don’t get why I don’t have someone. Like they literally have gotten angry at me. 

[ladypeartree]

why would you need to have children when you have them right in front of you ? It sounds as if your parents are spoilt brattish kids themselves and I can only assume they have reached " that " stage in their lives when they have gone back into a second childhood 

[Christiangal]

Yeah. They just hate me now. 

[Adstar]

On 6/4/2018 at 12:16 PM, Christiangal said:

Hi. My parents don’t want to talk to me or see me because I’m not married with kids. I’m almost 40. It just hasn’t happened for me is all but they’re upset and just don’t want to even talk to me. What do you all think of this?  I don’t know what to think of it?  What do you think of them?

I guess my parents think that by distancing themselves it will help force me to go find someone else to fill a void  

 

 Please no cliche pep talk answers.... I’m looking for more of a straightforward opinion. Thanks. 

That's hard for you to endure, But keep on loving, keep that door of reconciliation open.. As others have already said, Pray for them..  Give any hurt and resentment over to the LORD and let Him deal with them as He deems fit..

[Christiangal]

..... yeah I don’t know. It’s weird.  It’s like my Dad especially just seems like he dislikes me. I really don’t want to deal with that. Having parents that have disdain and dislike for you - it’s real interesting. I don’t need that. 

[HikerMom]

 

".... yeah I don’t know. It’s weird.  It’s like my Dad especially just seems like he dislikes me. I really don’t want to deal with that. Having parents that have disdain and dislike for you - it’s real interesting. I don’t need that. "

No, you don't.

Praying for you this morning, Christiangal.  Forgiveness is hard (that still doesn't mean reconciliation necessarily).  I remember when I made the decision to forgive.  I cried for hours.  There was so much to let go of.  I always think of Joseph and how loudly he cried when he finally forgave his brothers....

"And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh's household heard about it."  Genesis 45:2

You will get through this but not without some pain.  Forgiveness always means some temporary pain.  And in your case it may mean quite a lot of pain.  Realizing the depth of how much they have hurt you and then letting go of it is PAINFUL and hard.  It means that you leave them to God as Adstar said.  God will handle them.  And then you will be free to live your life.  Think hard about getting Christian counseling.  You are in a position to continue to be manipulated by them to your detriment if they feign repentance.  You must be careful with them.  That is why I say get Christian counseling please!!

your sis, jen

Edited June 5, 2018 by HikerMom

[HikerMom]

And in the meantime, Henry Cloud has TERRIFIC  Christian books and materials on the internet for maintaining good boundaries.  You can follow him on facebook.  He has a wonderful book called, "Changes That Heal."  I just think going to a counselor and reading some good Christian material might help you get a grasp of when you are being manipulated and how to handle it.  From my experience, this is a painful process but will set you free from so much.  The truth, even when it is hard to accept, will set you free.  Even if it's that you possibly have parents who are incapable of loving anyone.   My father didn't love me...but it has nothing to do with me.  It is that he is incapable of loving anyone.  And that has never changed unfortunately for me and for him.  But I have the best Father in heaven.  And truly, God has blessed me with the most amazing, loving people that have helped me to heal and move on!!  I know He will do the same for you.  God has a way of making up for what we lose in childhood.

He will redeem the years the locusts have eaten...Joel 2:25

Edited June 5, 2018 by HikerMom

[Christiangal]

Thank you so much HikerMom and everyone. I really didn’t know if it was me or not. Now I know it’s not my fault. Thank you!

[1to3]

Hi Christiangal;

Sorry to hear about your relationship with your parents.

Unfortunately, we don't chose the parents we get and they don't get to choose the children they want.

We for sure have to make the best with what we have been given, and as adults it becomes our responsibility to work through and resolve within ourselves and also as Christians with God help and through His Word, any serious issues we may have had growing up. If not they will carry out in all other interpersonal relationship with others.

The good news is that God can restore and heal us from traumatic wounds to the body and soul.

Its not easy being a parent, and neither is it easy being married. They both require love, responsibility , commitment and work. and its a two way relationship between parent and child, husband and wife.

 The parents have a responsibility that comes first before the children  and so its also the parents responsibility to know how to parent and bring up a child to become a loving responsible independent individual for themselves and their lives. Unless of course the parents has been given handicapped children that need basic care from them for the rest of their grownup lives.

 

You brought up a few interesting things:

firstly what popped out to me was:

3 hours ago, HikerMom said:

".... yeah I don’t know. It’s weird.  It’s like my Dad especially just seems like he dislikes me. I really don’t want to deal with that. Having parents that have disdain and dislike for you - it’s real interesting. I don’t need that. "

That is not only interesting but real sad and very indicative as to why you are the way you are.

Have you always felt like you parents have " disdain and dislike for you" ? 

if so it can reflect in the way you have set up your own personal life, throughout your  life.

the- why- has a point of origin to it. and if its amiss, it needs resolving, before jumping into other relationships.

 

4 hours ago, Christiangal said:

 It’s like my Dad especially just seems like he dislikes me.

Why do you think that?

Has it always been like that?

 

15 hours ago, Christiangal said:

I don't regret not having a relationship with my father anymore.

I am sad to hear that, if you say you have no more regrets, it means you once had regrets, and now it sounds like something has been shut closed in your heart with your father.

 

15 hours ago, Christiangal said:

It has brought me to a much healthier place in life.

Have you truly resolved all with your father?

 

For sure if you have father issues, it could very well transfer itself over to any relationship you may have with any another man, and also bring on problematic issues with any man you would be considering as a potential partner for a romantic relationship leading to marriage.

Also mother issues, if not properly worked on and resolved, can play into unhealthy patterns that can transfer into other relationships not only with spouse but with you and your spouse's children.

 

Are your parents born again christian?

Just with what has been brought up from what you wrote christiangal, it does not sound like a good idea for you to even consider getting into any serious loving relationship leading to marriage with anybody, especially without first resolving your primary emotional issues that you have with your parents. Because without properly resolving those primary issues with your parents,( that seem far embedded in your psyche concerning  your parents), they will surely carry unto any other important relationship you ever decide to get involve in without first working through your relationship issues with your parents.

 

Edited June 5, 2018 by 1to3

[Christiangal]

21 minutes ago, 1to3 said:

Hi Christiangal;

Sorry to hear about your relationship with your parents.

Unfortunately, we don't chose the parents we get and they don't get to choose the children they want.

We for sure have to make the best with what we have been given, and as adults it becomes our responsibility to work through and resolve within ourselves and also as Christians with God help and through His Word, any serious issues we may have had growing up. If not they will carry out in all other interpersonal relationship with others.

The good news is that God can restore and heal us from traumatic wounds to the body and soul.

Its not easy being a parent, and neither is it easy being married. They both require love, responsibility , commitment and work. and its a two way relationship between parent and child, husband and wife.

 The parents have a responsibility that comes first before the children  and so its also the parents responsibility to know how to parent and bring up a child to become a loving responsible independent individual for themselves and their lives. Unless of course the parents has been given handicapped children that need basic care from them for the rest of their grownup lives.

 

You brought up a few interesting things:

firstly what popped out to me was:

That is not only interesting but real sad and very indicative as to why you are the way you are.

Have you always felt like you parents have " disdain and dislike for you" ? 

if so it can reflect in the way you have set up your own personal life, throughout your  life.

the- why- has a point of origin to it. and if its amiss, it needs resolving, before jumping into other relationships.

 

Why do you think that?

Has it always been like that?

 

I am sad to hear that, if you say you have no more regrets, it means you once had regrets, and now it sounds like something has been shut closed in your heart with your father.

 

Have you truly resolved all with your father?

 

For sure if you have father issues, it could very well transfer itself over to any relationship you may have with any another man, and also bring on problematic issues with any man you would be considering as a potential partner for a romantic relationship leading to marriage.

Also mother issues, if not properly worked on and resolved, can play into unhealthy patterns that can transfer into other relationships not only with spouse but with you and your spouse's children.

 

Are your parents born again christian?

Just with what has been brought up from what you wrote christiangal, it does not sound like a good idea for you to even consider getting into any serious loving relationship leading to marriage with anybody, especially without first resolving your primary emotional issues that you have with your parents. Because without properly resolving those primary issues with your parents,( that seem far embedded in your psyche concerning  your parents), they will surely carry unto any other important relationship you ever decide to get involve in without first working through your relationship issues with your parents.

 

Hi 1to3,

Ironically my dysfunctional parents have absolutely caused me to have nothing but horrible  men in my life. I often go out with narcissists, men who don’t treat me well, and then I beg for them to stay and come back. 

 

I always felt inferior, like something was wrong with me and it’s always my fault. 

Its just a feeling I have with my Dad, when I try to be nice to him he recoils or accuses me of being nice because I want something. My mom just goes along with whatever my dad tells her. He has told my mom not to text me or call me because he thinks that’s why I’m not married. He thinks she is babying me and they need to be distant so I’ll grow up. 

 

They have have always been dysfunctional and it would take too long to get into it. Ironically they were too controlling and smothering when I was younger and now they’re trying to rectify that by not talking to me. 

 

But when I say they have literally gotten mad at me for not being married I am being literal. My Dad has told me with disdain in his voice that it’s ridiculous that I’m not married yet. At one point, I would get drunk to get through visits with my parents. When they found out about this they backed off and just don’t really contact me anymore. 

 

Anyway, there’s A LOT of dysfunction here. 40 years worth.