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Wife fell out of love


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uggghhh. i'm back :(

I went over this with the counseling pastor a couple weeks ago and his advice was to stay the course, God will have his way, and if divorce is the answer then it will be evident. He also feels God would not lead me to divorce.

I felt like I had peace in the direction I was going, and then it started to fade, and I had doubts, and I kept having feelings for her. But then I read articles like this that claim that emotional abandonment is grounds for divorce: https://dannimoss.wordpress.com/articles/abuse-in-the-christian-home/the-biblical-grounds-for-divorce which pulls me back into that line of thinking.

I brought this up in my men's group last night and while none of them were able to cite examples of getting their wife back, they all had horror stories that were worse than mine. One man stayed in a sexless marriage for 6 years. 3 of them had their wives leave for other women. Another was cheated on out in the open, after finally divorcing his 2nd wife has now separated from him. Another was in an unhappy marriage for a decade. Yikes!

They challenged me to stay the course and die to myself. While they will support me in either direction I go, they feel I have to be the leader and continue to love her like Jesus.

We had a tough conversation last night that didn't go anywhere, and it was clear there is still a bunch of resentment on both sides. I forgive and forget, then get angry again when she says or does something that I feel is so careless to the marriage and the children. I feel so defeated because she has given up on counseling and stopped spending time with me.

I've been praying ceaselessly, going to church all the time, giving back, being still, repenting of sin, and I feel like I have hit a brick wall.

I'm getting burned out on pray and wait advice. Does anyone know of any books or journals that have success stories around this, I need some inspiration. I scheduled an appt with a new counselor, I feel like I'm starting over from scratch again.

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I think the advice you are getting is ridiculous.  And what your wife is doing is very, very strange.  I feel badly for your kids in a home with all this turmoil.  You are getting advice to put up with emotional & verbal abuse.   From my experience, kids that grow up that way will either learn to abuse or to put up with abuse.  Neither is good.  This has to be affecting them emotionally.

Marriage is MUCH more than just two people living in the same house.  I've always been bothered when I hear of Christians counseling other Christians to keep kids in terrible situations because God hates divorce.  I'm sure he hates abuse as well. 

Edited by HikerMom
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Let me give her some defense, since by and large my posts have been about me and my perspective, and let me know if you think she deserves some slack.

This is just going to be a list of facts in no particular order:

  • For a long time she was yelling at everyone including me and being hypercritical, but after counseling she has stopped this, so there is no abuse shown in front of the kids other than they never see us hug or kiss. In the long-run they eventually need to see what a healthy relationship looks like, in the short term perhaps it is a better option than being uprooted in divorce.
     
  • She continues to maintain that the reason she is staying in the marriage is because she does not want to hurt me or the kids. She said she would never try to take custody away from me and that 50/50 is ok.
     
  • She does declare that she believes in Jesus and that he died for her sins, however there are parts of the bible she doesn't agree with such as submitting to your husband and the husband being the leader of the household. I suppose this makes her a believer and therefore we're not unequally yoked.
     
  • She said she prays all the time, even "while at stoplights", but she can't hear anything from God.
     
  • She is still going to church with me, although her eagerness seems to be fading, she wants to be in a "big church". By the way our church is big, but I take this as she wants to be able to hide in the back, as I get to know more people there, she probably feels some of them "know" and would hold her accountable. Guilt? Conviction? Let's hope so, for change sake.
     
  • She feels she fell out of love because of the way I was acting, you know I admitted in previous threads what my part in this was. It was a vicious cycle, she wouldn't meet my needs so I would turn around and not meet her needs, and on and on it went. But now I have changed and I'm dedicated to meeting her needs, but she has a guard up that is impenetrable, so she doesn't experience my love. You can watch a video about it from Pastor TD Jakes, he says "they can't love you, because they are loving your shell, and you need to be open".
     
  • She is indecisive, regarding timeline she doesn't want to do this forever, but also doesn't want to put a time frame on it, then she doesn't want to wait 6 more months, then she can keep this up as long as there is no sex involved. I can't tell if she is lying or just confused, but it is clear there is no plan.

For a long time God has shown me the value of 6 months and Christmas as key milestones (that would be 7 months). I've read about it in several books, I felt it in prayer, and my men's group has demonstrated they have done it for longer.

So what's my purpose? Is it to save her? Is it to be an example to everyone else? Jesus carried the cross, shouldn't I. It says I should rejoice in my trial. Paul's thorn was never removed.

These are the things I'm grappling with.

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This just sounds like such a dysfunctional, unhealthy situation for the kids & I wouldn't want to keep my kids in it for long.  I am suspicious of your wife's motives in all this.  I didn't read the beginning of the thread but you do admit to treating her badly.  I am glad you have decided to make changes but I don't see any reason for you to torture yourself or the kids living with someone who is cold as ice & has been neglecting the kids as you previously stated & seems to have no intention of trying to work things out.  That sounds awful.

When you say that God has "shown me the value of six months & Christmas as key milestones,"  I just don't believe God works that way.  We walk by faith not by sight.  We don't know the future.  

Yes, we should look at all our trials as opportunities to learn and grow, but I don't think that means you are expected to stay in this marriage.  Your job is not to save anyone.  Your purpose is to love God, to take care of your family & to be a part of His work on earth, to use the gifts that He has given you to help others and to further His kingdom on this earth.  But it just seems like to me that your wife has made it clear that she doesn't want your help & that she has no intentions of having a real marriage with you.  You can't save or change her.  All this energy you are expending trying to figure it all out could be used much better to nurture & take care of your kids, yourself, and to serve God.  It just seems like your wife has made it clear that it is over. 

As I said before, I am suspicious of her motives.  Is it possible she is staying just so she has someone to financially support her?   I don't believe her when she says she is staying simply so she will not hurt you or the kids.  She's been hurting you & the kids almost constantly.  I know that you have made many mistakes but you have been willing to go to counseling & to try to make changes.  She has not.

Henry Cloud has some a great books that might help you see where your responsibilities begin & end.  Boundaries.  He is a fantastic Christian psychologist.  I also think you need a different Christian counselor.  I don't believe preachers are usually the best at this.

Is it possible that it is really pride and fear of judgement from other Christians that is keeping you in this situation?

And by the way, I don't judge you for staying.  Ultimately you are the one who has to live with the consequences of either decision.  But I do think you are being given bad advice.

 

 

 

Edited by HikerMom
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That all sounds like a legit perspective and I’ll certainly check out that author.

While there are moments where my wife slips into depression or an angry rage, those are just moments. Most of the time she is loving and caring to the kids and she does keep up with the house, we both do.

However one could argue that neglecting me indirectly hurts the kids and demonstrates poor examples. The big question is about what is the right timeframe for healing? I don’t think any of us know.

Pride and judgement are not keeping me here, it is more about me being careful about not giving up. The book tells us to love our wives like Jesus would, to trust in his plan and not our own understanding, and to be joyous during our trial.

As for her, no one knows why she is staying. Some believe there must still be feelings despite what she says. It may be her selfishness that she can live with all the bills paid, share child rearing duties, and not have to give any love back. Maybe it’s guilt or conviction of the Holy Spirit. Maybe it is uncertainty. Maybe she refuses to address a sin that God is waiting for her to repent from, so she stays stuck.

I just pray for a clear message and direction so I can get out of limbo.

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One Direction,

I did not read much of this thread but I am sorry for your situation. I will pray for you right now.  God Bless You!

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@HikerMom and @Marilyn C

Looking for a female perspective

I stumbled across some opinions on discipline regarding male leadership when the wife that refuses to repent. Even after telling her I have retained a divorce lawyer, there has been no positive movement on her side. She doesn't seem to have any qualms with living this way, even after stating that there will be no shopping or vacations until this is resolved. Should I investigate graceful ways to discipline her? I'm not sure what other leadership I can provide, I have already rebuked the sin and spoke truth about what is in the bible.

Here are the list of things I provide. Is there anything that should be gracefully taken away?

  • My paycheck is much larger than hers, it gets deposited into a joint account, and I pay all the bills including her student loans. That is the only thing in her name.
  • Both cars are in my name, just bought her a new one, so I pay and insure both
  • Empty the dishwasher in the morning, sometimes I help with laundry
  • Cable TV everywhere
  • I make dinner on weeknights since she gets home late from work
  • She gets her nails done weekly, paid for out of joint account
  • We still sleep in the same bed
  • I pick her son up from school daily
  • I pick-up and drop off toddlers at daycare every day and give them baths most days
  • I help put away groceries and tidy up the house when the maids aren't here
  • I pay for a maid (out of the joint account)

As you can see not much leverage. Her currency appears to be the kids, so perhaps I should suggest separation and separating our finances. Then she can get a taste of not being able to see the kids each day and living on her own.

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29 minutes ago, onedirection said:

@HikerMom and @Marilyn C

Looking for a female perspective

I stumbled across some opinions on discipline regarding male leadership when the wife that refuses to repent. Even after telling her I have retained a divorce lawyer, there has been no positive movement on her side. She doesn't seem to have any qualms with living this way, even after stating that there will be no shopping or vacations until this is resolved. Should I investigate graceful ways to discipline her? I'm not sure what other leadership I can provide, I have already rebuked the sin and spoke truth about what is in the bible.

Here are the list of things I provide. Is there anything that should be gracefully taken away?

  • My paycheck is much larger than hers, it gets deposited into a joint account, and I pay all the bills including her student loans. That is the only thing in her name.
  • Both cars are in my name, just bought her a new one, so I pay and insure both
  • Empty the dishwasher in the morning, sometimes I help with laundry
  • Cable TV everywhere
  • I make dinner on weeknights since she gets home late from work
  • She gets her nails done weekly, paid for out of joint account
  • We still sleep in the same bed
  • I pick her son up from school daily
  • I pick-up and drop off toddlers at daycare every day and give them baths most days
  • I help put away groceries and tidy up the house when the maids aren't here
  • I pay for a maid (out of the joint account)

As you can see not much leverage. Her currency appears to be the kids, so perhaps I should suggest separation and separating our finances. Then she can get a taste of not being able to see the kids each day and living on her own.

So, none of the Christian counselors or elders you've worked with suggested you follow Paul's advice and remain with her as she wills?

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@Billiards Ball

My men's group advised me to stay with her, going on with my needs unmet.

My pastoral counselor suggested separation.

I have an appt with a new christian counselor on Wed. The last guy I was seeing was a "life coach", he could quote the bible, but he was more directing me to wherever I wanted to go, regardless of biblical guidelines.

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41 minutes ago, onedirection said:

@Billiards Ball

My men's group advised me to stay with her, going on with my needs unmet.

My pastoral counselor suggested separation.

I have an appt with a new christian counselor on Wed. The last guy I was seeing was a "life coach", he could quote the bible, but he was more directing me to wherever I wanted to go, regardless of biblical guidelines.

Onedirection,

I apologize as I have not read this whole thread but I do want to say something.  Biblical marriage is for life.  Till death do us part.  If your wife has not cheated on you then I don't see how you can divorce.   This is hard as you are not happy.. this is tough.    I will pray for you and their is a prayer area here on worthy.  Take up your cross and follow him in this.  Do what God commnads you to do and he will guide your path and bless you.  Do not listen to anyone who contradicts God's word.   Do not seek revenge.. God will avenge.  Think about your kids and what is best for them too.  Pray and Pray.   Ask God for wisdom he will give it to you.  Maybe a separation is in order I don't know.. pray about it all.  I hope you get only Godly advice.  Love in Christ. 

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