Wife fell out of love

[Heybro]

I think that it's obvious to all who have contributed to your post that you are committed to the relationship and very much in love with your wife, commendable, given the little in return. However, my brother, she is in need of knowing, and seeing, strength in you in leadership, not some "wimpy." As I have been heard to say, "we need to be men of "faith and power, not paste and flour."  I use the terminology of "men" loosely, not literally. Too often these days, I see women taking the lead and the men follow behind, allowing the role reversal. This often comes because men have "abdicated" their responsibility to lead, women will take control when they see the weakness in their men to fail in decision making. It is in the makeup of women to be in charge(child-raising) making decisions while hubby is at work, etc. Most women will gladly let their men be in charge, if they see his consistency to lead and make good choices, along with her input, we need to lead, not dominate. Our wives are our partners in life and have a right to input, though the husband should make the final decision. Even if he gets it wrong, there should not be any "blame game," forgive, learn and go on. As always, I hope this is helpful.

[onedirection]

@Heybro I'm taking a position of servant leadership by not leaving her, speaking truth when I have an opportunity to call out the lies satan has told her, and leading by example in the way that I stay committed. At the same time I'm not letting her walk all over me. In fact, we just had another tough conversation about money, and I had to put my foot down (in a graceful way). She was agreeable to my requests and this time around we actually didn't fight. That is the first time that happened in forever, it was pretty amazing.

I let her know that I still love her, but I disagree that her feelings are absolute. My position is that "I'll never love you, that feeling can't come back, you can't make me happy, this marriage was a mistake, I'd be better off alone" are all lies that satan has created to tear the family apart.

I will continue to pray and let God work in us. This is a lot of hard work.

[Heybro]

My  dear brother in Christ, thank you for your PM, I really feel for you in this predicament. My thoughts are that I'm concerned that your dear wife is in fact, not a christian. Unless in saying what she says is aimed at hurting you, in order for you to "give up" on her. She's just not seeming to be displaying any "christian" conviction in her demeanour toward you, hence our concern.I apologise if I didn't explain myself adequately in my last post regarding the male "leadership." Of course we need to take the lead as the "Priest" over the family, but we (men) need to exercise sensitivity toward our wives, and not just say, "I'm the boss, I'll make the decisions." I understand that reference she made earlier regarding "all this christian stuff is BS," could well have been said in anger and frustration, but it could be helpful, in a "quieter" moment, to ask her about what does she really believe regarding her christianity? At this point in time, there really seems to be a "mismatch" between you both! In the meantime, we are all continuing to pray God's Highest for you as a family, and given to Him, that The Lord will bring about the best outcome, give it to Him, let Him carry it, onedirection, just TRUST Him to do it, you've got to stop "driving" it, you can't make it work, leave it to The Holy Spirit to convict, and turn it around, okay! As always, I hope this is helpful, God bless.

[onedirection]

That is pretty much where I'm at, waiting for the Holy Spirit to convict. The only time it may seem like I'm driving is when a conversation is initiated, and I use the opportunity to share my testimony.

I'm not preaching at her or telling her what she is doing wrong. I'm simply living day to day, taking care of the family, and staying committed to my situation.

She knows that if she wants out, she has to say the words: "I want a divorce, and I want you out of my life". So there must be something keeping her.

The lesson I'm learning right now is to be joyful during my trial. I do take joy in the fact that she hasn't left me and by being close by, my Christ-likeness can rub off on her. Things could be worse. She could have gone to the bank, put all our money in a brief case, kidnap the kids, and flee to Mexico.

[Heybro]

Hello again onedirection, I found that I couldn't sleep, so here I am again after reading your reply to me, could I add a couple more thoughts? I think you said in an earlier post that you work from home, is that correct?  Are the children of school age, or are they younger and obviously at home with you both?

If that is indeed the case, can I suggest one or two options for your wife? It may well be the case that she feels (hemmed in), there being no "space" between you both, she needs a bit of "me" time. It could be that she needs to maybe find a part-time job, even working somewhere on a volunteer basis, if your finances are okay that she doesn't need a paying job.

Maybe, another option could be that she just needs to spend some down-time going window-shopping. My wife regularly goes what we call here in Australia, (Op shopping) 2nd hand clothes shops, browse, maybe buy something to match what she has in the wardrobe. Even when I was working at my job, she would take time out from being at home, and just go out from the home environment, feeling (cooped up), mundane cleaning of the home, and just get away. If, indeed, your wife hasn't done this, it may well be the one thing that is causing this frustration, and you just being in the home working, isn't giving her some space, no breathing room? This is where we blokes need to " get a light bulb moment," and say to her, "Honey, would you like to take a friend with her and have some "girl-time" and grab a coffee, or spend some time away from the home environment, just a thought.

Us fellers, we're just "programmed" to just get on with the job at hand, we're the practical doer's, that's how we're wired and we don't often "see" where our women struggle, that's when we need to be in touch with our "sensitive" side.

As you say, only when a conversation comes up that you say something, that's good. What I would say to you now is, just go about whatever it is that you do, say nothing more. One last thought that may have some value, is there anything that you can do for her in or around the house that could be of value to her, something that she would appreciate, just a thought? As always, hope this helps, God bless.

[onedirection]

@Heybro

Good thoughts. I have already barked up these trees. Check it out -

• She was a stay at home mom for about 3-4 years, and her entire family recognized she was going stir crazy. We all agreed she should go back to work and she did. She works f/t making pretty good money and that was back in August. However, it did not have an impact on our issues.
• Kids are 3, 4, and 10. I work from home about 95% of the time, but she commutes to work. You are correct that we have maybe spent too much time together over the years, and maybe some distance would help, but there are a zillion psychologists that will argue this one way or the other. I have stopped pontificating over it; I have given it to God. What peace I have now.
• Between June and August she did a significant amount of shopping and I did not get in the way. It was like an addiction, it was all she did or thought about, constantly on her phone ordering things online, returning things, trying things on. She did some serious damage on our bank account. I finally had to step in and speak up. She agreed to stop shopping for herself until things recover. Unfortunately, all this shopping did very little to make her happy. Only Jesus can fulfill us.
• Regarding doing things around the house, I have done everything. Wait on her hand and foot, make the bed, help with laundry, clean, make her breakfast and dinner, leave sweet little love notes lying around, make sure the kids are seated quietly when she gets home so she can have dinner with them, put on romantic or festive music. None of this has done anything to make her budge an inch.

Having gone through all that and receiving no results is going to be a key factor in my testimony. We've all heard the pastor say, only Jesus can fulfill you, stop focusing on worldly things. So here you have it, 6 self-help books, marital counseling, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, joining a rec team, seeking new hobbies - none of it has given me peace. What has given me peace is handing this to God and letting go of the wheel.

That doesn't mean I'm jumping for joy every day. At times I do feel a hole inside. Something is not right, this is not how marriage is supposed to be. But I have faith that this is a temporary circumstance and that He will reveal an outcome in His time. She will come to Jesus; or she will leave.

[HikerMom]

@onedirection  So happy to hear you are letting go & finding peace.  You don't have to wear yourself out trying to please her to get her to stay.  You don't have to figure this out.  I know it's hard not to know the future but it's in God's hands.  I'm glad you are letting yourself off the hook to figure it out.  I'm sure you are exhausted, and as you've said, it hasn't changed anything.   You can be kind to her without killing yourself to be perfect.  It wouldn't be spiritually good for your wife to have you as her slave or doormat.  Being kind is one thing, but you will wear yourself out trying so hard to please her.  And it's not good for the kids to see you become a slave to her.  You can be kind and serve her without killing yourself.  It just sounds exhausting how hard you have worked & I am SO happy to hear you are surrendering it to the only one who can change her heart...

"Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit, " says the Lord Almighty.  Zechariah 4:6

Keep resting in His great, great love for you--a love so great that He sent His son to die for you! 

   

[onedirection]

I do feel a great deal of peace since I’ve let go. I’m not feeling any stress  at all and I’ve been taking great care of my kids and being really close to them. I’m also doing quite well at work once again.

I do feel sad for my wife. She is so lost and I just want to share the grace of Jesus with her.

Things have gone further downhill. She just stares at the tv until it is time for bed, then she sleeps in another bedroom. She barely interacts with the kids. No conversation is initiated with me unless it’s about the kids or logistics.

I feel like I’m living with a ghost.

[HikerMom]

@onedirection    I feel sorry for her as well, but she has choices.  Sorry you and the children are going through this.  Praying for you all tonight.

[Heybro]

My dear brother, it is indeed sad to hear that things have got to the place where they are at, and appear to have been for some time now! I'm wondering if it is as bad as it seems, there must be a reason why she hasn't mentioned the "D" word? Could it be that she is driving YOU to that place where you initiate the proceedings, which in turn will allow her to file for custody of the children, otherwise she would be on shaky ground from the Judge's perspective, to grant her the custody. I know you just said that she isn't paying them much attention, atm, but these things can change quickly! If, indeed you want to wait it out, I can only stand back and applaud you for your love, belief and tenacity. What are her parents doing, or saying to her? You mentioned that they have seen her "stir crazy" so are they doing anything to get her "back on track?" Just my thoughts at present, as always, I hope this helps, God bless.