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Wife fell out of love


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@onedirection    I have been thinking much the same as  @Heybro.  That she is trying to make you be the one to file for divorce for some reason.  You may need to seek a lawyer's advice.  My sister's husband did the same to her...not because of a custody issue (he really didn't want much to do with the kids), but because he wanted to play the victim.  He didn't want to look like the bad guy for filing for divorce when my sister had just given birth to their second child.  Then he was free to marry his girlfriend and say that his wife was the one who filed for divorce.

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@HikerMom @Heybro

Interesting perspectives and yes I have mulled these over in my head as well. I have answers to these questions!

  • I have done my research and I learned that it does not matter who files for divorce when it comes to custody. I am going to verify this with a lawyer just to be certain.
  • She lies to her family. They have no idea what is going on. I did bring them into this back in June, and my wife got really mad about it. All they know is that we have had an issue, we started counseling, and right now the picture she paints is that everything is fine. I have not gone through the backdoor again to respect her privacy. Plus, by and large her family does not follow Jesus Christ, but they all claim to be christian. Even her own sister, who goes to church every Sunday, and sends her kids to extra bible study, has told her "follow your heart". Ummmm.... the heart is deceitful people!!!
  • Has she mentioned the 'D' word - nope. Several months ago she told her mom that she did not want to be divorced, but things have changed since then. I told her that she must say the words "I want a divorce, and I want you out of my life", and I will make it so.

She said she just wants to be alone, so I guess in this situation she is getting everything she wants, without the hassle of having to move out. Or maybe she is praying and trying to do this on her own. We don't know, and I leave it in God's capable hands.

I don't think she is trying to get me to file for divorce. I think she is afraid to upset me and is letting me take the lead on this. A couple times I was moving large sums of money around in our bank account for unrelated things like paying bills, and she thought I was hiring a lawyer. She has been monitoring the bank accounts more than usual and on more than one occasion has reached out to me and asked that I speak with her before doing anything. Despite having gone through a divorce before, I don't think she understands how things work, and is just being passive and shut down about the whole thing.

Throughout this whole process, my wife has proven to not be very calculated or planful at all. She starts each day based on feelings and just reacts to whatever life throws her way.

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My dear brother, 1stly, thank you for your reply in answer to my questions and I guess that all I can say now is, fulfill her wishes. If she just wants to be left alone to work things out herself, so be it. As hard as it sounds, I guess you can only be courteous toward her always. It certainly is far from ideal to be living in that environment, and the children will certainly pick up on the "coldness" between you both, not good. They need stability in their growing up years, in a loving, caring environment. Otherwise, as they grow, their outlook on life gets distorted, and it will digress to the next generation, (exactly what satan wants). I don't know whether your wife has even considered what she is injecting into their mental wellbeing by this display of "love lost" toward you. Sometimes we need to just get a "kick up the backside" and be told to "grow up" be an adult, and get on with life. I mean, how many of us are born with "a silver spoon" in our mouths, and everything is fine and dandy. Life is always sending us "curve balls" we just have to deal with them when they come, pick ourselves up, and just get on with life, make the best of it.

I don't know that I can add much more to this thread onedirection, unless you want to continue to converse, I only pray that what has been said helps you in your quest, and, as always, God bless.

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Hello. I'm not an expert on love but i'll try my best??.

First, i want you to go back those old days when u were young and "in love", when you proposed till you both said " I do". To me it's pretty obvious that u still love ur wife. And as a lady myself, i know she loves you too.

But if we love each other why is this happening? Nice question. The thing is that you fell out of love not because you're not meant for each other but you don't have your First love. You don't act the way you used to and ofcourse you can't act like that forever. Here are some things I've learned that I'll love to share with you. 

1. It takes two to tango. Marriage isn't about the hubby making the wife to like what he likes or do what he wants. It's about liking or doing what he wants cus u want him to happy even if you aren't. Little things like not listening, watching only YOUR fave shows and dirtying her new floor tiles can make a lady reconsider her love for u. I'm not saying you should change yourself. I'm mean that saying little things like"thanks for making dinner honey"or"I'm sorry"or"how's my lovely wife"or something can help a whole lot. 

2. Do unto others as you'd like them to do unto you. If you act nice she's way more likely to act the same way than she would when dragged counselor's office. Plus she will do it wholeheartedly. It may not be that her faith is weak. She may just not want to pray with someone who's mean to her.

3. No one is perfect. I admire that you want to solve your marriage problems but you also have your numerous flaws. Walk a mile in her shoes for a change. Search for your flaws and pray to God to help you with them. It'll do a lot of good than pointing fingers at her. 

4. Prayer is the key. God should be first in ur marriage. When u have problem in ur marriage go to God in prayer. Ask for wisdom to be a great husband. She may have been against ur faith in the past because she probably doesn't believe u actually were serious about it. But when she saw u were, she supported u. Does she see u read ur bible or is just a PHASE to her. Ask yourself " Am i really serious about my walk with God?". U can also aak her. And instead of forcing her to pray, you can pray a bit louder and if she wants to she can say Amen. U can pray for her when she's sick. And u should always pray for her. U can post little Verse Of The Day sticky notes. U can casually bring up what u learnt from the Bible or something. There are a lot of ideas. Be creative.

5. Actions speak louder than words. When you say you love her do you show it or you just say it. We believe mostly what we see. Do your actions prove your love. There are a lot of ways of showing ur love. The same goes for ur Christianity. Does she see Jesus in you. The Bible says by their fruits you shall know them. I've learnt that in evangelizing, your actions are more important than anything else. Do you go against what you preach if you do repent and also ask your wife for forgiveness.

That's all i can say in this. I hope everything works out and you both have a blissful marriage.

Hope this makes sense

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On 7/11/2018 at 1:33 PM, onedirection said:

Hey all first time poster.

Is it possible god is departing because he wants you to follow? Sorta like, you only know what the light looks like when the light goes out, sorta thing.

Edited by Archangel Thyos
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@Heybro I agree with you, I've given it to God and I will let her work through this how she wants. I stopped trying so hard, but I'm still kind and supporting. Regarding the kids picking up on it, yes this is an issue, but the alternative of divorce will be much worse for them. I think it is worth waiting a little while longer.

@Chrisy Good suggestions, I have gone through these over the past 4 months in my walk with Christ, as I have transformed from my old ways. Does she see Christ in me? Absolutely she recognizes it.

@Archangel Thyos I think your question is do I think God is trying to lead me away from her. I do think it is possible for God to say 'no' to something that would exalt Him, because there is an alternative plan that will exalt Him even greater. However, I do not believe God would lead me towards sin, and God hates divorce.

The net of all this is that I believe the plan is to stay the course until Christmas. That would put us at 7 months. Many schools of thought in psychology recommend this type of process takes a minimum of 6 months. The average separation is 7-10 months. Hopefully the magic of the holidays and the family events will change her heart.

Come 2019, if things are the way they are right now, then I will put an end to it. Things can always change, but as for right now I believe this is the plan God has laid out for me.

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On 9/19/2018 at 8:57 AM, onedirection said:

Sometimes I catch myself singing "Jesus take the wheel" in my head. I do need to stop overthinking, I've been working on it and making great strides.

I've been praying on all those things - stability, patience, trust. For whatever reason Sunday and Monday were really down days for me, it sort of came out of nowhere. I felt like I couldn't even control it, the feeling of despair and wanting to try something new. I keep hitting the devotionals, studying the bible, and being still in prayer. I've been feeling much better yesterday and today.

Good! The main thing: don't make any big decisions (divorce, separation, like some suggest here despite Paul saying stay in marriage if they want to stay) while emotional. Come back to that good place with God, relax a bit, then make tough/big decisions/try new approaches with her.

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Since those two days of depression I've been on a real upswing without too much backpedaling. I am keeping my eye out for a resolution to this, so I'm not suggesting I will keep this up forever, but I have been granted great stamina by the Holy Spirit.

She made an appointment for a physical for the first time in like 2-3 years (which oddly enough is when she said the negative feelings started). I'm praying that some type of medical resolution will be discovered, whether it be positive or negative for things like vitamin deficiencies, chemical imbalances, or clinical depression. She has been behaving differently lately, so some change must be on the way. I guess we shall see what God has in store!

Unfortunately none of the change has been directed towards me. No good morning or good night, no watching TV alone together, doesn't really say goodbye when leaving (but makes a big deal of it towards the kids). This is all the more reason to get plugged into Jesus and pray that its the only approval and validation that I need.

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So much for not having any backpedaling. Yesterday my feelings for this situation have withdrawn significantly. I believe the trigger was just seeing her smile one too many times. How could someone be so happy and jovial while they sit here and abandon their husband? It isn't really a feeling of anger or sadness, its more of a 'time to move on' feeling. Since then my mind has been flooded with all the terrible things she has said to me, painting a picture that she never really intended to be married to me.

  • I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
  • I need to get a job so I can get the *** up out of here.
  • This marriage was a mistake.
  • You can't give me what I need, and I won't give you what you need.
  • You make my skin curl.
  • I don't love you and I will never love you.
  • I don't want to form a connection.
  • I don't need your bible thumping ***.
  • I don't want to hear all this Jesus stuff.

I kept forgiving and looking past these things, putting hope in something that was likely never going to happen because of her free will.

I'm done. Thanks all for the support. Next I'll be focusing on obtaining custody of my children so they can be raised in a proper christian home.

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@onedirection   I think you are right.  Your kids & you need to be out of this emotionally abusive situation.  Prayers....

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