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Wife fell out of love


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55 minutes ago, onedirection said:

@Billiards Ball

My men's group advised me to stay with her, going on with my needs unmet.

My pastoral counselor suggested separation.

I have an appt with a new christian counselor on Wed. The last guy I was seeing was a "life coach", he could quote the bible, but he was more directing me to wherever I wanted to go, regardless of biblical guidelines.

Good. Separation is not divorce, and could just be what's needed.

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5 minutes ago, Frances said:

Onedirection,

I apologize as I have not read this whole thread but I do want to say something.  Biblical marriage is for life.  Till death do us part.  If your wife has not cheated on you then I don't see how you can divorce.   This is hard as you are not happy.. this is tough.    I will pray for you and their is a prayer area here on worthy.  Take up your cross and follow him in this.  Do what God commnads you to do and he will guide your path and bless you.  Do not listen to anyone who contradicts God's word.   Do not seek revenge.. God will avenge.  Think about your kids and what is best for them too.  Pray and Pray.   Ask God for wisdom he will give it to you.  Maybe a separation is in order I don't know.. pray about it all.  I hope you get only Godly advice.  Love in Christ. 

If that sounded harsh I apologize for that too.  I was married to a non-believer and it was tough!  I stayed in the marriage until one day he divorced me.  That was over 5 years ago ... I just want you to know I am not saying this lightly as I was married 28 years.    

Blessings to you. 

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I understand that position, but there are other schools of thought, which make the situation more complex to diagnose.

For example, if she believes in Jesus, but refutes certain sections of the bible for her own benefit, does that then make her an unbeliever? And if she is an unbeliever who has emotionally abandoned the marriage, is that considered leaving? Therefore if she has left, shall I let her go by filing for divorce since I handle all administrative duties in the household?

If the bible says you can divorce for physical abuse, what happens when emotional abuse turns physical, for example a stomach ulcer from stress. Or lost weight from depression. Surely this cannot be a life-long circumstance.

If the bible says she should not withhold herself from the husband, but she chooses to gleefully, does that make it a sexual sin. And because sexual sin is adulterous, is she now an adulterer thus making divorce justified.

Shall I get her to agree to a timeline? "Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer"

In this passage it calls for mutual consent. Perhaps if we had a deadline where we agreed, if that timeline expires and she still agrees, then she has technically left me.

I'm looking for a biblical path to get out of this. Waiting indeterminately just doesn't seem to be physically or emotionally possible, because I'm a sinner.

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On 10/12/2018 at 7:46 AM, onedirection said:

Let me give her some defense, since by and large my posts have been about me and my perspective, and let me know if you think she deserves some slack.

This is just going to be a list of facts in no particular order:

  • For a long time she was yelling at everyone including me and being hypercritical, but after counseling she has stopped this, so there is no abuse shown in front of the kids other than they never see us hug or kiss. In the long-run they eventually need to see what a healthy relationship looks like, in the short term perhaps it is a better option than being uprooted in divorce.
     
  • She continues to maintain that the reason she is staying in the marriage is because she does not want to hurt me or the kids. She said she would never try to take custody away from me and that 50/50 is ok.
     
  • She does declare that she believes in Jesus and that he died for her sins, however there are parts of the bible she doesn't agree with such as submitting to your husband and the husband being the leader of the household. I suppose this makes her a believer and therefore we're not unequally yoked.
     
  • She said she prays all the time, even "while at stoplights", but she can't hear anything from God.
     
  • She is still going to church with me, although her eagerness seems to be fading, she wants to be in a "big church". By the way our church is big, but I take this as she wants to be able to hide in the back, as I get to know more people there, she probably feels some of them "know" and would hold her accountable. Guilt? Conviction? Let's hope so, for change sake.
     
  • She feels she fell out of love because of the way I was acting, you know I admitted in previous threads what my part in this was. It was a vicious cycle, she wouldn't meet my needs so I would turn around and not meet her needs, and on and on it went. But now I have changed and I'm dedicated to meeting her needs, but she has a guard up that is impenetrable, so she doesn't experience my love. You can watch a video about it from Pastor TD Jakes, he says "they can't love you, because they are loving your shell, and you need to be open".
     
  • She is indecisive, regarding timeline she doesn't want to do this forever, but also doesn't want to put a time frame on it, then she doesn't want to wait 6 more months, then she can keep this up as long as there is no sex involved. I can't tell if she is lying or just confused, but it is clear there is no plan.

For a long time God has shown me the value of 6 months and Christmas as key milestones (that would be 7 months). I've read about it in several books, I felt it in prayer, and my men's group has demonstrated they have done it for longer.

So what's my purpose? Is it to save her? Is it to be an example to everyone else? Jesus carried the cross, shouldn't I. It says I should rejoice in my trial. Paul's thorn was never removed.

These are the things I'm grappling with.

One thing jumped out at me: TD Jakes. 

He is a prosperity teacher who is also a modalist amongst many many  other things that he has wrong. 

Flee from the false teacher!!

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One direction,

I sympathize.  You are a sinner saved by grace through faith.  Nothing is impossible with the Lord.  Don't give up hope.  God will help you. Satan loves to destroy families.  I am so sorry for your pain.  She should be loving you and supporting you you two should be a team.. so sorry.. I know it's hard.  

I would say this before you do anything, after praying.   Ask yourself truthfully... are you really doing all you can as you should as a christian.  Is your attitude right?   Is your tone right?   I am not judging.. just saying better to think about it now then to later say ..wow I wish I had done this........  Love covers a multitude of sins.   Will she have a heart to heart talk.   What is the real problem.. does she even know herself.. I pray that she will wake up and love you as you deserve.   Praying for blessing on your marriage and your family. 

Best in Christ. 

Edited by Frances
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@Frances

Throughout this trial I have been able to seek the truth and overcome the sins of which I was convicted. Here is my progress over 5 months.

 - Worshiping my career and putting it first

 - Worrying about money instead of believing the Lord will provide

 - Anger and resentment from lack of reciprocation

 - Overusing alcohol

 - Habitual lusting, idolizing wife

 - Pride and conceit

 - Stop ignoring the needy and donate

 - Being joyous during the trial [I can't seem to tackle this one]

I keep praying for what to do next, but I feel like I've hit a wall.

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She has recognized that I have changed and she is appreciative of all that I do.

I'm probably being too hard on myself. Not to justify, but the negative behavior I had was a result of her behavior. I believe her issues started long before I started acting demanding. Basically we rushed to have our first kid, and a few months after that pregnancy, she decided she lost feelings for me. At that time I don't recall being a jerk, I was just working and helping raise a baby. I do recall her having crazy mood swings. I think it was all the chemical changes in her body and it was a tough pregnancy.

So after she secretly started disliking me, the sex got really crappy. Slowly we disengaged. It was a constant cycle of pursuer - distancer. The rejection angered me and she continued to act out instead of voicing her issues.

5 months ago she started really acting out, and when I caught her in a potentially adulterous situation (I'm not 100% certain she has been faithful), I revealed it somewhat publicly. She used that as the launching off point to justify her anger and resentment, and here we are 5 months later, no intimacy at all.

Even her own father says I'm treating her better than she deserves.

In my defense 5 months was long enough to demonstrate my changes and put good will back into the relationship. She should at least be going to counseling with me and address the situation directly, instead of ignoring it. She is taking what she wants from the marriage and hurting everyone around her with the lies. It is abusive and bible or no bible I will put an end to this eventually.

  • Praying! 1
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@onedirection

The post you addressed to me shows you still trying to control or fix things.  Women do not respond to a man "disciplining" them.  You are supposed to be her husband and not her parent.  That post made me think you are keeping score.  Still, you need another counselor I'd say.  Your boundaries are not great.   You are still very controlling & it will harm your children just as it did your marriage. 

If you publicly humiliated your wife by revealing something true or not about her, then of course she'd be angry.  

As I've said before, you are too much in your head and not enough in your heart.   I'm not sure I can help much more.  You are being led too much by other people.  You need to make your own decision.  The good news is that whatever decisions you make, good or bad, God can work all things for good.  Even the decisions that turn out to be bad.  But sooner or later, you will have to make your own decision by faith.   You & your kids are the ones that have to live with the consequences either way.

God doesn't tell us always exactly what to do.  We must walk by faith and trust God to help us with the outcome.   And I definitely agree that TD Jakes is a prosperity teacher.  He teaches some things that are very unscriptural.   

Try just spending time alone with the Lord.  You will still have to make a decision.  but I think it's likely you will make better decisions of you can spend some time being still & soaking in his word.  Not for INFORMATION but for TRANSFORMATION & to help you understand God & his love for you and others better.   The Bible is not as much a rule book as it is a revelation to us of who God is...of his heart & plans for mankind. 

Grace Community Church from Clarksville Tennessee has some of the best preaching I have ever heard.  Their recent series is about faith, hope & love.  It is an incredible series.  If you have an iphone, then you can subscribe to their podcast.  If not then you can listen online.  You are relying too much on fallible human beings to make your decisions.  Spend some time alone & try to make your own decision.

Prayers...

Edited by HikerMom
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I wasn't saying I would do those things, I was just brainstorming. There are other schools of thought that use biblical backing which suggest that she be disciplined and that I only provide food, shelter, and clothing (this is according to the bible). There are also schools of thought that emotional abandonment is no different than adultery. I'm not saying these are accurate translations, but nonetheless someone has found a way to back those opinions using a certain sequence and interpretation of scripture.

I didn't humiliate my wife. She got caught in an emotional affair and I rebuked her. The bible says I can do this, and it also says if she does not respond that I may rebuke her in front of another christian. Then I believe it goes on to say that she should be brought before the church and asked to leave if she does not repent.

It also appears that adultery is almost unavoidable in this circumstance:

  • She was previously divorced and I married her, according the the bible I have already committed adultery.
  • If she divorces me because she is unhappy and remarries, then I have caused her to commit adultery, once again I am at fault.
  • If I divorce her and remarry I commit adultery.

So to avoid adultery means to stay in an unhappy marriage, which is not God's design for marriage. Out of unhappiness there will be anger and resentment. Despite our best efforts to control it, it will still rear its ugly head.

All these circles lead back to sin. There is no solution, we live in a broken world.

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You are caught in legalism.  You seem to know nothing about grace.  You are missing a huge piece of what it means to be a Christian.  Look at how Joseph handled the situation with Mary when he thought she had been unfaithful.

You seriously need to learn what grace is.  

 

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