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onedirection

Wife fell out of love

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I wasn't saying I would do those things, I was just brainstorming. There are other schools of thought that use biblical backing which suggest that she be disciplined and that I only provide food, shelter, and clothing (this is according to the bible). There are also schools of thought that emotional abandonment is no different than adultery. I'm not saying these are accurate translations, but nonetheless someone has found a way to back those opinions using a certain sequence and interpretation of scripture.

I didn't humiliate my wife. She got caught in an emotional affair and I rebuked her. The bible says I can do this, and it also says if she does not respond that I may rebuke her in front of another christian. Then I believe it goes on to say that she should be brought before the church and asked to leave if she does not repent.

It also appears that adultery is almost unavoidable in this circumstance:

  • She was previously divorced and I married her, according the the bible I have already committed adultery.
  • If she divorces me because she is unhappy and remarries, then I have caused her to commit adultery, once again I am at fault.
  • If I divorce her and remarry I commit adultery.

So to avoid adultery means to stay in an unhappy marriage, which is not God's design for marriage. Out of unhappiness there will be anger and resentment. Despite our best efforts to control it, it will still rear its ugly head.

All these circles lead back to sin. There is no solution, we live in a broken world.

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You are caught in legalism.  You seem to know nothing about grace.  You are missing a huge piece of what it means to be a Christian.  Look at how Joseph handled the situation with Mary when he thought she had been unfaithful.

You seriously need to learn what grace is.  

 

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43 minutes ago, onedirection said:

She got caught in an emotional affair and I rebuked her. The bible says I can do this, and it also says if she does not respond that I may rebuke her in front of another christian. Then I believe it goes on to say that she should be brought before the church and asked to leave if she does not repent.

and you think that didnt humiliate her?

were you publicly rebuked for your previous months/years of neglect of her and the things you mentioned upthread?

I see little to no understanding of her situation, of your part in all this, and loving behaviours.

15 hours ago, onedirection said:

when I caught her in a potentially adulterous situation (I'm not 100% certain she has been faithful), I revealed it somewhat publicly.

how would you have reacted in that situation of public exposure? why would you have been having an emotional affair? how long were your behaviours you said upthread going on?

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God has the answers .. your crying out for help from the body of Christ.  Let's all pray for this man and his wife.  

Would you like me to put this on the prayer list or you can do it?

Please stay strong and wait for God to answer your prayers... ask him for wisdom ... 

Let me share a couple verses I like.

Proverbs 3: 5 &6 

Trust in the Lord with all thy heart lean not on your own understanding in ALL your ways..

acknowledge HIM and he shall direct your path. 

Praying for you and her and your situation...

Edited by Frances

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sorry ya'll, I was trapped in about day and a half of depression that I couldn't control, so that's where a lot of that wrestling is coming from

tuesday afternoon the depression just sort of faded away, without any prayers or anything (from me)

i've been feeling pretty positive since then and I started seeing a new counselor

it's hard to stay graceful when something your wife is doing (or not doing) causes you physical and mental anguish, but I recognize I can't do it upon my own strength, and that is probably the point I'm struggling to absorb the most

i'm actually considering depicting this in an info graphic, something like - The Following Jesus Playbook; maybe I'll draft one and post it here for feedback

Frances, I posted on the prayer list awhile back, I really appreciate everyone's prayers

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9 minutes ago, onedirection said:

it's hard to stay graceful when something your wife is doing (or not doing) causes you physical and mental anguish,

I think you are a strong person, who wants to do the right thing here. Can you gather all your feelings up and then place them onto how she has been feeling during the time when you were 'doing or not doing the right things'? I dont know how long you have been together, or how long you were not doing the right things in your relationship with her, as mentioned in your previous list. but

You have a wonderful opportunity now to use that experience of how you feel now to a positive by turning it on its head and having empathy and first hand understanding of how your wife has been feeling while you were having difficulties being the correct sort of husband and an inside look at her anguish. Much of the pain we experience is a learning experience too.

I am not sure what you mean by physical anguish though, unless you mean the aching sadness and loneliness inside? that can also be used to come alongside what has caused her to withdraw her love from you. Perhaps her pain and anguish got too much when you were working too much, drinking, etc.

maybe you can also clarify to yourself what it is, specifically you want from her and what you mean by lusting after her and idolizing her. 

It sounds like you have a whole new perspective on Godly marriage, so the relationship may need renegotiating. Has she got anyone to support her and for her to talk to?

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In my depression, I'm being too hard on myself. Everyone has seen our married history and her own family and my family have re-assured me I have done nothing wrong. Her own sister and father have commended me and said its not me, its her, and that I'm treating her better than she deserves. That is their measuring stick however, in grace, you can never treat someone too well.

It is important to understand the timing too. Now that some of the smoke is clearing, I believe this situation was unavoidable.

  1. I swooped in and sort of rescued her from a crappy single mom life
  2. We rushed to get married
  3. We rushed to have our first kid
  4. She fell out of love (secretly)
  5. We both started a dysfunctional cycle of being angry and demanding - this is where I'm being too hard on myself. Yes I did some crappy things, but it happened AFTER she fell out of love, or what seems like no reason. My research suggests its a combination of immaturity and honeymoon phenomenon. I forgive her every day for it and start fresh.
  6. Then her real feelings finally all came out, and that's what I've been wrestling to fix the last 5 months.

I'm doing the best I can to put myself in her shoes, so I can understand her. It is really hard on many levels, particularly because she has some weird guard up and you can't get a read on her. What do I mean by lusting? Its a common guy thing, just too much emphasis on sex. Some of that is a result of our over-sexualized world. It takes a lot of praying and discipline to make the urges go away and be healthy, I've made great strides.

As for her support, there is none. She refuses counseling and does not discuss this with her own family or closest friends, it is a secret to all.

My counselor believes she needs trauma therapy to deal with baggage from the past. So the next steps are she is going to show me how to create a safe place for her to begin that counseling.

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2 minutes ago, onedirection said:

In my depression, I'm being too hard on myself. Everyone has seen our married history and her own family and my family have re-assured me I have done nothing wrong. Her own sister and father have commended me and said its not me, its her, and that I'm treating her better than she deserves. That is their measuring stick however, in grace, you can never treat someone too well.

It is important to understand the timing too. Now that some of the smoke is clearing, I believe this situation was unavoidable.

  1. I swooped in and sort of rescued her from a crappy single mom life
  2. We rushed to get married
  3. We rushed to have our first kid
  4. She fell out of love (secretly)
  5. We both started a dysfunctional cycle of being angry and demanding - this is where I'm being too hard on myself. Yes I did some crappy things, but it happened AFTER she fell out of love, or what seems like no reason. My research suggests its a combination of immaturity and honeymoon phenomenon. I forgive her every day for it and start fresh.
  6. Then her real feelings finally all came out, and that's what I've been wrestling to fix the last 5 months.

I'm doing the best I can to put myself in her shoes, so I can understand her. It is really hard on many levels, particularly because she has some weird guard up and you can't get a read on her. What do I mean by lusting? Its a common guy thing, just too much emphasis on sex. Some of that is a result of our over-sexualized world. It takes a lot of praying and discipline to make the urges go away and be healthy, I've made great strides.

As for her support, there is none. She refuses counseling and does not discuss this with her own family or closest friends, it is a secret to all.

My counselor believes she needs trauma therapy to deal with baggage from the past. So the next steps are she is going to show me how to create a safe place for her to begin that counseling.

thats good. Will she begin counselling if there is a safe place? How long have you two been together? How long after getting together did she fall out of love? sometimes love is not what we thing (and the world tells us) it is : (

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Will she begin counseling? I have no idea. We tried it for a couple months when I basically made it an ultimatum, and she went against her will. Now she quit and I haven't asked her to go back. I do think I have found a better counseling center now, they are more christian-based. She was trying to avoid the christian talk, and I went along with it because it was all I had. She refuses to discuss this before the church or a pastor.

Been together 7 1/2 yrs married 5 1/2 years.

According to her she "fell out of love" 3 1/2 years ago, so basically 2 years into the marriage. It doesn't entirely add up because there are many moments where she was clearly happy and in love, but it was here and there. I'm not exactly certain how to quantify it.

I know she has the wrong definition of love, and you know that, but she doesn't. I understand the companion love concept. It isn't hard for me to love her at all, I still do love her every day, and I forgive her every day. What is hard is to not be depressed / disappointed / resentful for lack of reciprocation. It's my Achilles heel.

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16 hours ago, onedirection said:

What is hard is to not be depressed / disappointed / resentful for lack of reciprocation. It's my Achilles heel.

well done for recognising that. I will pray for you both every day. Have you also told God how you feel and let out your emotions and thoughts to Him about your resentment/disappointment/depression? He will listen, in Love, not Judgement. 

I just wonder if there is a lesson here, for all of us, about unconditional love and love without having any expectation of of a return? With Him all things are possible, but some things, for us, are very hard.

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