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2 minutes ago, onedirection said:

I casually let her know my parents would be visiting around the holidays, she had a falling out with my mother 5 months ago.

oops. yep, I can see that causing problems. Did you know about the falling out 5 months ago? did you discus the idea of your parents visiting with your wife before agreeing with your parents or inviting them? how long was the visit planned for?

I am asking to see what went wrong with the communication here.

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From reading this, I can see why your wife is pulling away from you. I am not convinced that anything anyone says does any good.

Did you ever consider just backing off? You talk too much.

Edited by PepperS
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maryjane, yes I knew about the falling out. I brought the topic up so we could get this conversation started, but I framed it as "my parents are planning to visit end of November", as opposed to "do you mind if my parents visit". I let her know that plane tickets aren't booked and if she wanted to handle this an alternative way, that I would put her wishes ahead of my own.

Yes Pepper, I backed off quite a bit, but when I have the opportunity to speak truth, I take it. I'm not chasing her around like a dog looking for a bone. In the early going I didn't do a good job of that, so that's probably what you're reading.

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On 10/15/2018 at 3:37 PM, onedirection said:

She has recognized that I have changed and she is appreciative of all that I do.

I'm probably being too hard on myself. Not to justify, but the negative behavior I had was a result of her behavior.

So everything is her fault and you are completely a victim.

I'm going to be real honest with you. If I was her, I would have already been gone.

You have destroyed any trust she ever had in you. Maybe she doesn't want to talk to you because you have already shown that you will talk about her behind her back. You told your church about her faults, you went to her family as well. That right there shows you can't be trusted.

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1 hour ago, onedirection said:

maryjane, yes I knew about the falling out. I brought the topic up so we could get this conversation started, but I framed it as "my parents are planning to visit end of November", as opposed to "do you mind if my parents visit".

Quote

ignore this, I cant delete the box

Yes Pepper, I backed off quite a bit, but when I have the opportunity to speak truth, I take it. I'm not chasing her around like a dog looking for a bone. In the early going I didn't do a good job of that, so that's probably what you're reading.

why not simply discuss things with her, ahead of time, and ask for her imput, as an equal? I take it she would have hostess duties to perform. A plain:

"I know how you feel about my mother, but my parents  want to visit us in November, how is that with you?" is sufficient to start with. How involved has she been/is she in decision making, particularly when things affect her directly like having visitors?

and your parents should NOT have been making plans without the say so of both of you anyway.

I hope your mother has taken on board her share of the blame in this falling out and is prepared to respect your wife's feeling and wishes about spiritual topics and perhaps apologise for to your wife for her (your mothers) share of the blame.

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1 hour ago, onedirection said:

I let her know that plane tickets aren't booked and if she wanted to handle this an alternative way, that I would put her wishes ahead of my own.

 

so you let her know that you want your parents to come, and put the burden of refusal on your wife here, instead of supporting her feelings. Quite apart from the physical burden of hostessing, and the emotional burden of having to share space with someone who doesnt respect her wishes and feeling on spiritual discussions (yes, I am taking about your mothers lack of respect)

Your wife is not being treated with much respect and consideration at all is she.

Edited by maryjayne
put in 'around' and I didnt mean to.
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5 minutes ago, maryjayne said:

why not simply discuss things with her, ahead of time, and ask for her imput, as an equal? I take it she would have hostess duties to perform. A plain:

"I know how you feel about my mother, but my parents around want to visit us in November, how is that with you?" is sufficient to start with. How involved has she been/is she in decision making, particularly when things affect her directly like having visitors?

and your parents should NOT have been making plans without the say so of both of you anyway.

I hope your mother has taken on board her share of the blame in this falling out and is prepared to respect your wife's feeling and wishes about spiritual topics and perhaps apologise for to your wife for her (your mothers) share of the blame.

so you let her know that you want your parents to come, and put the burden of refusal on your wife here, instead of supporting her feelings. Quite apart from the physical burden of hostessing, and the emotional burden of having to share space with someone who doesnt respect her wishes and feeling on spiritual discussions (yes, I am taking about your mothers lack of respect)

Your wife is not being treated with much respect and consideration at all is she.

Agreed.

If my husband did such a thing, I wouldn't be there for Christmas. But then, my husband would never put me in this type of position. Maybe that's part of the reason I want to keep him. I know I can trust him.

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You’re getting some good advice here and I hope you are listening.   

As for you “speaking truth” to her, you are still trying to be her parent rather than a partner.  You can’t be th Holy Spirit for someone else.  You need to be more humble.   You need to work on your own heart rather than obsessively trying to fix her as you are STILL doing.  Give up this control!!

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Listen to God and do what he tells you.  Trust God and stop worrying about it.  Love and forgive be patient.  

1 Corinthians 13 New International Version (NIV)

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.  LOVE NEVER FAILS!

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things seem to be changing over here, in all of our collective hearts, i've been praying so hard, the Holy Spirit is doing something, I can't quite put my finger on it

here is a run down of all the happenings in no particular order

  • I invited my parents without discussing with my wife - yes, but my wife did the same thing (invited her parents for thanksgiving and never told me). Not making any excuses, but as a couple we are still not that great at communicating because we each fear one another's reaction. This seems to be subsiding, the last 2 big talks we had were very productive and graceful.
     
  • I now have a decent amount of evidence that it is possible that my mother has been lying during our entire marriage. Starting conversations that are inappropriate and then denying them. I've had the wool pulled over my eyes. I mean, it's my own mother! How do you think that makes me feel? I'm just giving it to grace. The chips fell where they landed, I'm not going to try to defend, investigate, prove, or blameshift about anything. Not my wife, my mom, her mom, myself, etc... as Frances states 'Love never fails', starting this week I've ascended to a new level of peace and love that I have never felt before.
     
  • End result, my wife and mom are not going to be on speaking terms. Who knows if they will ever reconcile; it's out of my hands, but I do have hope.
     
  • On Saturday my wife said things are 'awkward enough as it is around here'. I said 'why?'. She said "we don't love each other". I corrected her, I told her I loved her. She said that we should just get a divorce. My wife has a habit of saying things she doesn't mean, I feel like she is testing me for validation. A few minutes later I told her I have enough love for the both of us. I also told her that God is first, she is second, the kids are third, and I am last. Then I followed up the next couple days living that truth.
     
  • She has been warming up to me lately. We're engaging in a lot of conversation, eye contact, and being comfortable in each other's space. We also started watching our TV shows together again after about 5 weeks of her avoiding me. There is just something different going on about how it all feels, but I can't help but be confused that she used the divorce word so recently, plus the rift with my mother, it really puts a dent in things. The anger and resentment that I couldn't control before seems to have subsided. The yearning for physical contact, automatic rejection, and depression cycle has also temporarily subsided. I'm starting to understand what it feels like to be fully plugged into Jesus. I feel like there is a battery in my chest that is buzzing me on full.

My counselor said something that really opened my eyes. She said, I can't do this unconditional love thing on my own, that's why I keep failing. It comes from God. But when you pray, the effects aren't immediate, but one day you wake up, and if you've been following his teachings, you get rewarded with a peace that your mind cannot comprehend.

I don't know if this is permanent change or just temporary. I pray for the self-control to keep my hands off the wheel.

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So my grandmother who has been teaching classes and life groups for many years and has been bringing lots of singles to Jesus had a real interesting idea several weeks back. She told my mother "we need to pray for someone to come into her life and speak truth". As you know anything I say isn't going to work because of the position I'm in.

So there it started, and my mother switched her prayers to focus on putting someone in my wife's life that could speak truth to her.

Out of nowhere, this woman she has talked to over the years on and off had something to say! For whatever reason, my wife opened up to her and revealed our marriage struggles. She has been reluctant to do this with her own family or other close friends for the longest time. Well, this person gave her truth. She admitted that she has had the same trial with her husband and how christian counseling and devotionals has helped bring their marriage back together.

My wife text me all this and said that she wants to go back to counseling! I told her I love her so much and that I will never leave her and we'll get through it. Then my wife said those words - "I love you too". Can you even believe it!!! Just 10 days ago this woman told me she doesn't love me and thinks we should get a divorce.

God is so good, praise his name! Thank you all so much for the prayers, you saved a marriage!! I know we're not out of the woods yet, but there is so much good to come. And I know other men in my position will benefit from my testimony as I go out and shout it from the rooftops.

Amen!

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