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Looking for any advice and prayers.  I don't know how else to describe it.  I feel trapped.  After 9 slow years and 3 kids I have come to the very concrete realization that my husband is a passive aggressive narcissit/sociopath/psychopath.  I have real questions about his salvation.  I took him for better or for worse.  The only way out of marriage by divorce is if one of us cheats.  It won't be me.  I would really appreciate all your prayers, this is so difficult for me to go through.  There is only one thing my husband is interested in: control and power.  He doesn't care about me or our children.  We are just social experiments to him.  I feel bad for him that he is the way he is, but I have to keep my distance if I am to survive mentally and emotionally.  

Please keep me in your prayers, guys, i need all the prayers that I can get.

Edited by *Zion*
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" The only way out of marriage by divorce is if one of us cheats."

Looking at the history of Jewish marriage and how it's been practiced and interpreted in the past, many believe divorce is allowed if the vows / contract are broken.  This may include abandonment, abuse of spouse or children, cheating, etc.    I'd encourage you to research the topic yourself, see what you think, and pray about it. 

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Without endorsement of the church itself I do share of a sermon with a  point that may be of some general guidance- do not be bound to the spirit of fear which is masked within the fear of man ( any man). Making application of that warning may be difficult, but perhaps awareness may be of some help in working out a pathway to walk. http://gatewaypeople.com/ministries/life/events/free-indeed/session/2013/10/26/breaking-the-snare-of-fear

Praying for a resolve that honors God and bring peace to His servants, may He guide and protect and bring many angels to serve in that cause.

 

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Thank you for your responses.  I am really praying and thinking hard what to do.

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I'm not sure how things are in the UK with regard to legal separation (whether temporary or permanent) and possible legal protection which might be other options.   It would probably be worth talking to a pastor or Christian counselor with experience (I emphasized experience) with such things.   Such situations can be complicated and you need someone in person to be alongside you.  Two things I've anecdotally observed with people I know is that there are two extremes to watch out for.  The first is "a preserve the marriage at all costs" view which can enable an abuser to continue freely abusing and a "take the easiest way out" view which can destroy a marriage which with some work and effort might be salvageable into a good marriage.  An experienced pastor or counselor would ideally have decades of experience having seen some marriages which needed to be ended (including legally enforced orders for protection) as well as marriages which became good marriages and people changed.  This will give them a good perspective on what is and isn't possible as well as what are often the best ways to proceed or work on things.

I've heard testimonies of how such husbands have become Christians (including a former pastor of ours who had been married for about 15 to 20 years when he became a Christian).   Two things that stuck out in his testimony were that it was ultimately his wife's influence and example that caused him to become a Christian and that he shakes his head and says he cannot believe she stuck with him all those years before he became a Christian.  They've now been married for around 45 years if I recall correctly.

I've also heard testimonies where such husbands (or wives) never changed after decades and were that way until the day they died.

I think the important thing is to have a clear sense of God's direction for the particular situation.

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Life happens one day at a time. Each day is a brand new beginning. Have you tried killing him with kindness? That is, treat him, every day, as the love of your life, no matter how he treats you. If he says, "Beer me, bit**.", go get him a beer. And if you know he likes it in a particular glass, bring it to him in that glass.

And be as polite as possible, and nice as possible. However, when he is doing actual abuse (I'm not talking about just physical), he needs to be called on it, as nicely as possible. In fact, you can even tell him that what he is doing "right now" is a form of abuse, but you choose to love him back. And then love him back.

One of two things will happen on his side:

1. He dumps you. The guilt will drive him absolutely bonkers.

2. He changes.

And what will happen from your side is that the act of loving him (love is an action and a decision, not necessarily a feeling) even when he doesn't "deserve" it, will change your feelings for him.

It will be hard and, often, apparently impossible. But it is, IMO, the best course of action. And in the end, the problem will take care of itself, one way or the other.

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I know a lot about psychopaths. A true psychopath doesn't feel compassion for anyone. A sociopath may show some feelings for others but they are limited. Hopefully he's just frustrated like you are. If he's a real psychopath eventually you have to leave, you just have to figure out how, financially.

Let me ask you, if 1 of the kids gets hurt or sick does he show real concern? A psychopath fakes concern and he often over does it, that's one of the tip offs. I know a guy like this and I've had to stop associating with him because he always has to profit in 1 way or another. Sometimes the profit is to feel important because psychopaths don't feel much, their emotions are flat or bland. Usually they feel bored and want a thrill. If he is one of these don't make him very angry he may hurt you.

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jtc what you're saying is kind of scary.  he does over-react about things like that.  i am coming to the realization that my whole marriage has been just an act.  i am essentially married to a stranger.

and stillalive: he mistook my kindness as sign of weakness, and that is proabably why i am in the mess i am in.

please keep praying for me, guys.  i need all the prayers i can get.  i am trying not to panic right now.  God is on the throne and in control.

Edited by *Zion*
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Joining with the others in prayer for your safety.  May the Lord guide you in what to do.

In an emergency, are there shelters for women with children in your area?

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2 hours ago, Debp said:

Joining with the others in prayer for your safety.  May the Lord guide you in what to do.

In an emergency, are there shelters for women with children in your area?

Not that I know; I will have a look so I can be prepared if I need to find one.

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