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I've lost my trust.


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It's been almost a year since I left my church (the full story isn't important now, just that my trust and self-confidence was shattered by people I considered to be friends, mentors and Christian giants.) In my never-ending fight with mental illness, this year hasn't been a good one. On top of depression I've basically developed agoraphobia and a fear of making any sort of relationships. I haunt my house and can barely work up the courage to go out to the store, never mind attempt to go to a strange church. I signed up for a program at a Christian university but pulled out the week before classes started.

The worst part is, it's not just my trust in people that's broken. It's my trust in God also. I struggle with resentment of Him for what happened as well as for the issues in my own brain. I've been suicidal a lot this year, not actually hurting myself but wishing more than anything to die. I've even prayed for it, and when I find myself still alive my resentment of God only grows. I haven't been on "speaking terms" with Him in quite a while.

This has spiralled into something bigger and deeper than it ever should have been and I'm afraid of where it will end up, but I don't know how to change things. How does one rebuild trust that's been broken and learn to hope and connect again?

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58 minutes ago, Sanctum said:

It's been almost a year since I left my church (the full story isn't important now, just that my trust and self-confidence was shattered by people I considered to be friends, mentors and Christian giants.) In my never-ending fight with mental illness, this year hasn't been a good one. On top of depression I've basically developed agoraphobia and a fear of making any sort of relationships. I haunt my house and can barely work up the courage to go out to the store, never mind attempt to go to a strange church. I signed up for a program at a Christian university but pulled out the week before classes started.

The worst part is, it's not just my trust in people that's broken. It's my trust in God also. I struggle with resentment of Him for what happened as well as for the issues in my own brain. I've been suicidal a lot this year, not actually hurting myself but wishing more than anything to die. I've even prayed for it, and when I find myself still alive my resentment of God only grows. I haven't been on "speaking terms" with Him in quite a while.

This has spiralled into something bigger and deeper than it ever should have been and I'm afraid of where it will end up, but I don't know how to change things. How does one rebuild trust that's been broken and learn to hope and connect again?

Well interestingly Jesus our Lord and God felt the same about mankind, “But Jesus didn't trust them, because he knew human nature, and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.” (John 2:24-25). So if you have trouble trusting people right now, you are in good company, our God Jesus Christ did not trust men. 

As for resentment towards God, you are allowed to feel anger and resentment. However, know that your terrible experience and the mental illiness is because of the fallen world we are born into: “For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him (Adam and Eve, Genesis 3) who subjected it, in hope hat the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.” (Romans 8:20-21, Holy Bible). Much of the horrible things that happens to us on this planet is because of original sin and curse on this world from our ancestors choice in the Garden of Eden, not God. God wanted us to live in paradise but our ancestors chose death and the curse. Our ire could really be directed at them, for God wanted us to live in happiness and perfection and when He returns we will again, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4). 

God did not cause the fiasco at your church or your mental illness, this corrupt world did. Jesus has redeemed us (1 Peter 3:19, Romans 6;20), However this planet remains in self destructive state that will be destroyed and replaced with a perfect earth (Revelation 21:1-4). 

Jesus has saved us from eternal death (Revelation 20:15) but this world is still decaying and destroying until it gets redeemed when Jesus Returns and after the millennial reign (Revelation 20:4-9) He brings the new heaven and new earth  (Revelation 21:1-4, Romans 8:10-21). 

Edited by Fidei Defensor
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Most of us go through a time when we are rejected by friends and mentors.  At least I did.  God wanted me to depend on Him and not them.  Satan may even have been behind it since his tactic is to divide and conquer, but God meant it for good.    I do know that satan is behind dividing you from God.  So he is the one you should be angry at, not God.  

To be a mature Christian we need to be independent of others but totally dependent on God.  That is what faith is--being dependent on and relying on God.  That is what it means to believe.  Jesus is praying for you.

 

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34 minutes ago, Willa said:

Most of us go through a time when we are rejected by friends and mentors.  At least I did.  God wanted me to depend on Him and not them.  Satan may even have been behind it since his tactic is to divide and conquer, but God meant it for good.    I do know that satan is behind dividing you from God.  So he is the one you should be angry at, not God.  

To be a mature Christian we need to be independent of others but totally dependent on God.  That is what faith is--being dependent on and relying on God.  That is what it means to believe.  Jesus is praying for you.

 

"Jesus is praying for you" - that hit me hard. I know you are right, and by pushing Him away I am separating myself from my only help. He's the only friend that we can count on 100% and He must be hurting that I'm blaming Him for this whole mess.

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Rom 8:31  What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

Rom 8:32  He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

Rom 8:33  Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies.

Rom 8:34  Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.

Rom 8:35  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?

Rom 8:36  As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."

Rom 8:37  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Rom 8:38  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,

Rom 8:39  nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

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3 hours ago, Sanctum said:

It's been almost a year since I left my church (the full story isn't important now, just that my trust and self-confidence was shattered by people I considered to be friends, mentors and Christian giants.) In my never-ending fight with mental illness, this year hasn't been a good one. On top of depression I've basically developed agoraphobia and a fear of making any sort of relationships. I haunt my house and can barely work up the courage to go out to the store, never mind attempt to go to a strange church. I signed up for a program at a Christian university but pulled out the week before classes started.

The worst part is, it's not just my trust in people that's broken. It's my trust in God also. I struggle with resentment of Him for what happened as well as for the issues in my own brain. I've been suicidal a lot this year, not actually hurting myself but wishing more than anything to die. I've even prayed for it, and when I find myself still alive my resentment of God only grows. I haven't been on "speaking terms" with Him in quite a while.

This has spiralled into something bigger and deeper than it ever should have been and I'm afraid of where it will end up, but I don't know how to change things. How does one rebuild trust that's been broken and learn to hope and connect again?

Always remember that the Lord didn't fail you....people did.   I would start to pray again remembering that God is your loving heavenly Father, and that He will get you through this eventually.  I would also forgive the people that caused your hurts, as the Lord taught us to forgive.  You don't want unforgiveness holding you back.

About the Agoraphobia, is there at least one caring or kind person that would be able to take baby steps with you?  That is, willing to walk with you for very short distances...that wouldn't take too much time.  Then eventually, you can build up to walking a little farther each time.   If you don't have any kind person to walk with you, then just try walking very, very short distances outside to get yourself used to being outside again.  Love you! 

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@Sanctum

I have experience with a lot of your problems and I have provided advice for each of your problems below:

 

 

Trust in people*:
There are bad people but there are still good Christian people - just say to yourself "there are good and bad people".

Look out for the Christian's that you can see are genuinely loving and just be yourself with them, don't try (not saying you were) and put on act with them, just relax it is ok to be un-confident with them as they care for you and will boost you up.

Quote

Philippians 4:13 (Message bible version)
Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

If you want to be confident for other people then all you have to do is believe that you are confident - write this in the top corner of your mirror with a thin tip black marker pen so you can see it when you look at yourself:


"Look who Jesus loves" and then draw a heart round it, look at yourself and this every morning and smile. Try your best to smile - science says this does wonders for you physiologically.

 

 

 

Mental illness:
Suicide:
Please, please do not do that. Please, this season will pass and you will be happy again.
It is a very saddening thing for you Dad (Abba Father) to see you like that - just know this is how much He loves you and that He collects your tears in a bottle that He keeps in a sacred place. He cries with you and is always with you no matter what:

Quote

Psalm 73:23 English Standard Version (ESV)
23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.

This verse WILL come into being in time;

Quote

Jeremiah 29:11 English Standard Version (ESV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 

 

Depression:

Get a little notebook or a bit of paper and write down things that made you happy in a very short sentence so that you can remember them e.g. a nice sugary cup of tea that you had at home or a music track that you enjoyed.
Write an ordered list of the things that pick you up e.g. having a cup of tea, putting your slippers on, eating chocolate.
I have done other posts on mental health so please look for them on Worthy Forums.

 

Fear of relationships* (the same as the trust in people section above):

Think of someone that you trust the most (even if that is a little), speak to them and try and trust them. Sometimes you can actually turn fear into excitement - you can switch it in your mind sometimes and it feels amazing when you do. Keep getting support on this forum.

 

Church and the store:

Is there someone who you trust (e.g. family) who you can go to the store with?
Online shopping if you have to.
Watch sermons online - Joyce Meyer is amazing and will bless you through this time.
Forget that course for now, you are struggling atm.

 

Other general advice:

Drink lots of water throughout the day - 8 cups.
Dwell in the Word daily for 10min then use mind-fullness (research this) for 5 minutes and then a read non-fictional book (maybe read just two pages out of a selection of books - easy and fun) that give understanding for 5min session. That is 20 minutes, that is possible.

 

 

 

 

Trust in Jesus:
Trust is faith and faith is Jesus and Jesus is the Word and the Word is your bible.

Read your bible but find one that you enjoy - the Message version is great fun and good, and the ESV (English Standard Version) is far easier than the King James and still holds the truth perfectly.

Quote

Romans 10:17 English Standard Version (ESV)
17 So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.

That will get your trust back up.

 

 


Please put your original post that you made on this thread on the prayer forum part of Worthy Forums. I have prayed for you too.

 

 


Shalom :)

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Be of good cheer... we're all nuts.

Most are either good at hiding it, or they are good at lying to themselves about it.

It's called human nature (having a sin nature).

And if it were not for the influence of God and his intervention AND his word... think how nuts everything would be down here.

Blaming God is common but unfounded... if you took in a pet for example and nurtured it and it got run over by a bus... is that your fault?

God gives us free will. The fact that we have free will and have chosen evil (collectively and individually) produces the imbalances and

genetic defects and disease and medical conditions of all varieties...

God gave humanity choice AND warned us to trust him since day one.

Did we?

The blame is due to ourselves.

But please do not take this as a reason to end it all to "pay yourself back..." rather you should live and meet your challenges head-on

with guile and spite towards fallen human nature in yourself and to help others in spite of their undeservedness  of your kindness.

Remember, God gave you choice. You can choose to defeat these things with love and dogged determination.

And as far as the Church business goes... realize there is no perfect Church since people (who are nuts) belong to them. 

Be your own Church. Start by doing what the Bible says to do first: let the Holy Spirit interpret the Bible (2 Peter 1:20-21) which will 

put you light years ahead of everyone else... well, 99.99% of them (who buy into the traditions of man at almost every point). Be sure it's

actually the Holy Spirit (1 John 4:1) testing him as we are required to do everything and everyone (1 Thessalonians 5:21) with the scriptures

(Acts 17:11 / 2 Timothy 3:16-17)... we are already priests of God as believers in Jesus Christ (Revelation 1:6 / Revelation 5:10 / 1 Peter 2:3-9) so be your own Church.

 

Edited by JohnD
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Hi @Sanctum, I have also suffered from extreme depression and wished at one point - or thought - it would be better to die than to keep living like this.  But if you are willing to try everything you can, research about how to get out of depression and put everything into practice- looking after yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually and socially and trusting that God will not give you more than you can bear, then I know that you can emerge even happier than you have ever been before, and you will look back on your dark days of depression, and feel that every day of feeling "normal" is amazing.

Obviously I don't know the cause of your depression, but the most life-changing thing for me was that whenever I felt depressed and anxious, I would focus my mind on reading the Bible, and on filling my mind with good, pure and true thoughts only.  Bible, prayer-lists, true inspirational stories, sermons and music.  That was my only mental focus.  When I read Isaiah 53 about Jesus bearing all our sorrows and sicknesses and studied it deeply, I felt Jesus' peaceful presence taking way my anxiety.

I also did everything I could physically.  I ate three nutritious meals a day, drank lots of water in-between, exercised every day, and got sunlight.  I had restful time before bed with no study and just a relaxing hot shower/bath before sleeping.  I rang people when I felt lonely.  Whatever makes you feel relaxed and like you're not just sitting and stewing in your thoughts.

I got a lot of ideas for the physical treatment of depression from a book by Neal Nedley called "Depression, the Way Out."  It's very simplistic but has a lot of ideas for improving health and mental wellbeing.  There is plenty of stuff for free online too. 

Your brain is a part of your body so you need to do everything you can to support your physical health so you will have the mental energy to re-direct your thoughts.  

Have you reached out to others and told them you are feeling depressed?  I did this straight away the second time I suffered from depression because the first time was awful.  My behaviour seemed silly to my loved ones at times because I didn't tell them what was going on and what I needed help with.  

 

 

 

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On 9/10/2018 at 1:58 AM, Sanctum said:

The worst part is, it's not just my trust in people that's broken. It's my trust in God also....

...How does one rebuild trust that's been broken and learn to hope and connect again?

hi... i just want to give you a little something... don't know how much this will help you though...

i too struggled with my faith in God a few months ago... a question of something he said to me not coming true...

well, what got me through it was my decision to show God my love for him no matter my situation... to obey him still, despite of what i was feeling...

and in the end, because God is faithful, he himself has settled the questions in my heart, and has reassured me of his promises...

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