Advice about Angry Husband

[ozfruitsalad]

My husband and I are both Christians,

Lately, my mostly loving husband seems to switch personalities, from loving to fuming at the drop of a hat.  Just like Jekyll and Hyde.  Background: He had a traumatic childhood, with poverty, not enough food, a violent alcoholic father, being sent to boarding school at a very young age.  He is also very disappointed that he hasn't achieved "success" in a worldly definition.

Lately, his anger seems to be getting worse.  I was feeling a little bit scared this morning, although he has never physically harmed me or our kids.   

My question is, what kind of boundaries would be appropriate, and how to actually enforce those boundaries?  I don't want him yelling loudly and swearing in front of the kids.  I can only imagine it is really scary for them. 

This morning I asked him to help our daughter get ready for school so we wouldn't be late.  He started yelling at me because her shirt didn't look totally clean.  I said to him, "I don't want to keep discussing this when you're speaking to me in an angry tone of voice."  He got much angrier, yelled louder the same thing over and over again and swore a couple of times.  I was a bit scared, and I drove away and talked to him by text message.  

He finally calmed down and said sorry and seemed like he had completely forgotten about his previous anger.  The only problem is, he had a tantrum just a few days ago, which he also seemed to just ignore later on.  His anger outburst last Thursday was over me being happy that I was asked to write for a Christian magazine.  He got furious about me wanting to write for something that wouldn't pay well.  I told him I want to do it with my spare time and I don't care about the pay.  He doesn't answer to me for his spare time.  He was fuming.  He growled, gripped the steering wheel as if he had claws, and drove faster.  I told him when we stopped that I'm not accepting that threatening behaviour and if he does it again I will take a taxi or insist on being the driver.  However, he insisted he wasn't being threatening, and he didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.  He shut himself in with the T.V. and watched it way beyond when I fell asleep.  

I am finding the angry outbursts to be emotionally consuming.  I get sick more easily due to the stress; I miss out on sleep and I find it harder to focus on quality activities with him; our kids, and even just having time to look after myself.  I don't have much spare time in the day since I do the majority of caring for the kids due to his work being so busy.  Some days I only see him for one or two hours in a 24-hr period, so we are also praying for him to find a different job.  I am taking on some casual work to try and help him feel less stressed too.  I just want to do things for him out of love rather than to try and placate him, or avoid a temper tantrum, and I want to set good boundaries with sensible consequences.

Any advice would be much appreciated, thank you!

 

[Neighbor]

Hi, First, I am praying for you your husband and children to come to a time and place of some serenity peace and rest.

 I won't be so bold as to give advice. I do recognize the situation as not being unique, unfortunately it is far too common.

Oddly a tune a song from way way before my time is now in my head, from an old Mills brothers song- "You only hurt the one you love the one you shouldn't hurt at all. You always take the sweetest rose and crush it till the petals fall."  I have no idea why those lyrics have come to mind. Except maybe it is practical lesson that this happens, it has happened to people for a long  time now, and it needs to be recognized and stopped. The song is an apology song that expresses recognition that  love is causing a wrong action (IMO).

One very practical thing that has changed my own sense of comfort in life is to never ever turn on cable news channels anymore. Amazing how doing that changes the blood pressure and mindset. Add to that a deliberate reading of the Bible and a daily morning prayer time to myself and then with my bride has really been such an uplift for me. I share it as just potential fodder for your own ideas to come about. 

 

Edited September 10, 2018 by Neighbor

[ozfruitsalad]

6 hours ago, Neighbor said:

Hi, First, I am praying for you your husband and children to come to a time and place of some serenity peace and rest.

 I won't be so bold as to give advice. I do recognize the situation as not being unique, unfortunately it is far too common.

Oddly a tune a song from way way before my time is now in my head, from an old Mills brothers song- "You only hurt the one you love the one you shouldn't hurt at all. You always take the sweetest rose and crush it till the petals fall."  I have no idea why those lyrics have come to mind. Except maybe it is practical lesson that this happens, it has happened to people for a long  time now, and it needs to be recognized and stopped. The song is an apology song that expresses recognition that  love is causing a wrong action (IMO).

One very practical thing that has changed my own sense of comfort in life is to never ever turn on cable news channels anymore. Amazing how doing that changes the blood pressure and mindset. Add to that a deliberate reading of the Bible and a daily morning prayer time to myself and then with my bride has really been such an uplift for me. I share it as just potential fodder for your own ideas to come about. 

 

Thank you so much for your understanding comment.  Thank you also for your prayers! Yes, we need a lot of prayer   It is so true that we tend to hurt the ones closest to us the most.  I will have to keep and eye on this and see if I am doing things that would hurt my husband's feelings.  Also, I have stopped watching T.V.  I had postnatal depression, and stopped watching secular movies, T.V. and news and it helped me a lot too!  My husband still loves movies so it is a bit disappointing to him that I don't want to watch secular movies with him anymore.  The song lyrics that you shared are beautiful.  Thank you and God bless.  

[Willa]

Sometimes when a man is angry with himself he lashes out in a place he considers "safe".   It is mostly due to his own misery, fears and even depression.  Men aren't allowed in our society to cry.  That is considered weakness.  So they express their grief with anger.  My husband did this after he injured himself with a table saw.  Not only was he in a lot of pain, but he also was angry with himself for not handling the wood properly and causing the injury.  It jeopardized his job.  He shut me out of his life and nothing I said was "right".  He later told me some of the things I should have said instead, and they were exactly what I did say!  It was a very hard time, and my heart aches for what you are going through.  You are doing nothing wrong.  A soft answer turns away wrath.

I would guess that it all has something to do with his job that he is keeping from you, or perhaps it happens when he is unable to pay a bill or is under great pressure.  If he is in his 40s or early 50s he may also be going through "mid-life crises".  That is a time that a man may doubt the choices he has made in life.  However, the enemy is certainly attacking him and stealing his joy and peace in the Lord.  

Remember 1 Cor. 13?  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.   That is your part in supporting him at this time.  It will pass in time.  

Meanwhile I pray for him for Godly wisdom in solving the problems and that his eyes would be opened to how the enemy attacks him when he is down.  Praying that he remember what God has to say about having chosen him and died for him, and that he may be able to refute the lies of the enemy. 

1 Cor 10:13 WUEST  But God is faithful who will not permit you to be tested nor tempted above that with which you are able to cope, but will, along with the testing time or temptation, also make a way out in order that you may be able to bear up under it.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  

Blessings, strength, protection and prayers for you and your family,

Willa

[ozfruitsalad]

@Willa thank you for your beautiful, uplifting and understanding reply.  Yes, I have noticed that my husband almost never cries.  He does have the belief that men should never cry, which I find really sad.  I really wish he would cry and show his emotions sometime.  He is in his forties and has been saying lately that he feels he hasn't accomplished what he dreamed of doing with his life.  He has a really high standard for success.  He doesn't just want to have a good job.  He wants to be really rich and have the best of everything, especially because he suffered as a young child from not having enough.  He sees every lack as a reminder of his childhood.  

As per your advice, I am going to do everything I can, to show love to him and support to him.  Sadly I can't become a businesswoman and earn lots of money for him, because I don't have that gift!  I am a boring person when it comes to money.  My favourite thing is just making sure bills and debts are all paid.  I am the one who does all the bill-paying because he doesn't do the "online" thing, but I know that his work is causing stress because he does a lot of night shifts.  He has been switching between day and night shifts for more than ten years right now.  He is about to do extra study to try and get a day job, and we are praying and job searching right now.  I also offered for me to get a full time job in teaching so he could stop doing night shifts, but he doesn't want me to be the main income earner.

I'm actually worried that he could have a physical sickness that could be causing his mood swings, or be suffering from PTSD from his childhood.  

Thank you so much for your prayers - prayer is powerful!  And thank you also for the lovely Bible verses

[Debp]

20 hours ago, ozfruitsalad said:

My husband and I are both Christians,

Lately, my mostly loving husband seems to switch personalities, from loving to fuming at the drop of a hat.  Just like Jekyll and Hyde.  Background: He had a traumatic childhood, with poverty, not enough food, a violent alcoholic father, being sent to boarding school at a very young age.  He is also very disappointed that he hasn't achieved "success" in a worldly definition.

Lately, his anger seems to be getting worse.  I was feeling a little bit scared this morning, although he has never physically harmed me or our kids.   

My question is, what kind of boundaries would be appropriate, and how to actually enforce those boundaries?  I don't want him yelling loudly and swearing in front of the kids.  I can only imagine it is really scary for them. 

This morning I asked him to help our daughter get ready for school so we wouldn't be late.  He started yelling at me because her shirt didn't look totally clean.  I said to him, "I don't want to keep discussing this when you're speaking to me in an angry tone of voice."  He got much angrier, yelled louder the same thing over and over again and swore a couple of times.  I was a bit scared, and I drove away and talked to him by text message.  

He finally calmed down and said sorry and seemed like he had completely forgotten about his previous anger.  The only problem is, he had a tantrum just a few days ago, which he also seemed to just ignore later on.  His anger outburst last Thursday was over me being happy that I was asked to write for a Christian magazine.  He got furious about me wanting to write for something that wouldn't pay well.  I told him I want to do it with my spare time and I don't care about the pay.  He doesn't answer to me for his spare time.  He was fuming.  He growled, gripped the steering wheel as if he had claws, and drove faster.  I told him when we stopped that I'm not accepting that threatening behaviour and if he does it again I will take a taxi or insist on being the driver.  However, he insisted he wasn't being threatening, and he didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.  He shut himself in with the T.V. and watched it way beyond when I fell asleep.  

I am finding the angry outbursts to be emotionally consuming.  I get sick more easily due to the stress; I miss out on sleep and I find it harder to focus on quality activities with him; our kids, and even just having time to look after myself.  I don't have much spare time in the day since I do the majority of caring for the kids due to his work being so busy.  Some days I only see him for one or two hours in a 24-hr period, so we are also praying for him to find a different job.  I am taking on some casual work to try and help him feel less stressed too.  I just want to do things for him out of love rather than to try and placate him, or avoid a temper tantrum, and I want to set good boundaries with sensible consequences.

Any advice would be much appreciated, thank you!

 

Lots of good insight and advice given already.  Oh, I just see you posted about him having to switch back and forth between day and night jobs...that could be doing something to his brain perhaps.   They say when you get a good night's sleep, your body heals itself.

Other than the above, I would suggest when you answer him when he is in a rage...try to do it a bit differently, such as "Honey, could we talk later about this, I don't want to upset the children." Be sure to answer in a way that won't make him feel put down or inferior.

I hope and pray the day job opens up for him.

 

[dr3032]

Rather than offer conjecture as to why he's upset, I think it might be best if you simply ask him directly. Say that you would like to help, if possible, by coming to agreements on how to handle the situation when he gets upset. In my experience, when I get angry, I just like to vent; maybe he just needs an ear to listen. He might perhaps be the sort who just likes to be left alone, and you two can agree that when he is angry, you can take the kids out for a short while and let him wind down.

[Heybro]

Dear sister in Christ, in reading your post, can I say as someone who has worked for quite a number of years doing shiftwork, that it does mess with not only your sleep patterns, you don't know what day it is after a while. Especially if the sleep you do get, isn't good, deep sleep. He is displaying similar behaviour to that which I had, and I lay that squarely at the feet of "sleep depravation." You become irritable and short tempered, you don't want to be, but that's what it can do to you. I'm not for one minute excusing the behaviour, but it's something that he needs to know, and confront. I understand his inadequateness to have more than he grew up with, it can be a driving force to give his family more than he had growing up. What he needs to come to terms with, that while he is doing all he can, that it is sufficient, he is being a good provider, don't set goals that are too hard to attain. It will only bring more stress and heartache, for him and for the family. I am now retired from working, I am so much better now, regular sleep patterns, my advice would be, if he is able, to obtain a good day job, where he can re-establish family relationships and regular sleep, not forgetting daily prayer time and bible reading, committing it all to the Saviour's care, hope this helps, God bless. 

PS. My wife and I have special time early each morning, sharing with each other, cuppa in hand, and then we pray together, cheers.

[ozfruitsalad]

Thank you everyone for your insightful and thoughtful answers.  I want to apologise for taking so long to reply and show my appreciation!  We have been very busy!  I have decided I will ask him in advance what he would like me to do when he is upset, such as giving him space and taking out the kids.  I will also not take things too seriously and try to have more fun and playful moments together, as his love language is quality time.  I am also praying that we can find a more suitable day job for him with regular hours and I am doing job-searching on his behalf.  Thank you very much again and God bless you all.

 

[Kristin]

I completely understand where you’re coming from. My husband has gotten way better, but sometimes his anger is outrageous. Very emotionally hurtful. I give him up to God and avoid him when he’s like that when I can. It’s hard to know what to do. Let’s pray for each other.