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Feel like I have lost God and need help


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I used to be filled with the joy of God so much when I was younger in my 20's people would say they could feel it with me just complete strangers I was so happy but in my 30's I don't feel it anymore. Things have just gotten worse and worse until all I feel is sad and angry. I live in Australia and most people are athiest here but I have believed before I even had words to describe God. I just always knew he was there loving me and that made me feel special and happy but I spent most of my life with undiagnosed ADHD so from the point I was about school age the only feedback I have had from people in my life is that I am lazy, can do better, what I could achieve wasn't good enough and I am a terrible mother and person. Until I finally got diagnosed but by then it was too late I was damaged somehow. I lost my joy and it was replaced with sadness and anger. It feels like all the nastiness people throw at me about my weight and about me as a person just build up in me like a black bile and it comes out of me as nastiness and anger. I am literally sabotaging myself. Everyday I am fighting thoughts of suicide and its never been this bad. I suffer from ptsd and the anxiety has me so crippled and exhausted I don't make it to church or out of the house to do anything. The light that used to fill me is gone I have just suffered so much hurt and disappointment I can't find it and I am with a man who doesn't believe or trust God will provide so everything in our lives is just we can't do that we don't have money! I used to make the plans and the money would turn up whether its by picking up unexpected shifts or someone paying back money owed or I would literally find anywhere up to $50 notes around the house and I knew God was bringing me abundance so to be with someone who can't trust that and live like that it hurts me. I feel like I need help I need to find that again I have made a lot of mistakes that have gotten me here the top one being moving in with someone before marriage quickly followed by sex before marriage. When you are older its actually easier to fall prey to that and regret it later. Now my partner takes that gift for granted and only sees marriage as a piece of paper. I want to move out over it but the thought terrifies me :'( . I am more ready to advise not having sex before marriage than when I was younger that's for sure! 

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  • Steward

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Shalom Meg,

It sounds like you've been through the ringer!  With living a lifestyle of sin -- it's never a situation where you'll be at peace if you are truly born again.  The Spirit of God will not let you be filled with His joy, peace and shalom as it's contrary to His will.  You'll only find true joy and peace you felt in your 20s when you were trying to live a lifestyle of holiness.   Let's continue this dialogue -- I don't want to overwhelm you -- but I'm concerned for your spiritual well-being.  Are you serious about re-committing your life to Jesus?  That's truly the first step in restoration.  I love this thought -- that God is able to "restore all the years the locusts have eaten!"  He's more than able to restore you fully and completely -- but it begins with you!

God bless,

George

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This breaks my heart for you …. it is just as George has said and I am praying for you to council with Him and begin a life yielded to Jesus!

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Christ suffered with taunting and rejection, even to the point of being accused of using the power of satan to cast out demons.  The difference is that he forgave and didn't let it turn to bitterness.  He tells us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us.  I also have reading disabilities, a short attention span and a weight problem.  So I can identify with you a little bit.  God was trying to teach me to love the unloveable as He loves them, showing me that I need His love.  I needed to allow Christ Himself to live in me and do through me what I cannot do in my own power.  God not only loves you with all you shortcomings, He also loves the slobs that hurt you.  Ask Jesus to come into your life to live in you, and then surrender all you life to Him to make it what He wants it to be.  Ask Him to forgive you of your bitterness and heal you, helping you to forgive as He has forgiven you.

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Praying now

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  • 3 weeks later...

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Just prayed for you!

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Hi, thanks for sharing and reaching out. It takes a lot of humility to break your silence. First off, avoid all the negative people who don't know better. When people don't understand a disorder, they judge. Only associate with those who will support you. Second, I can understand it's difficult to network in an area or community that doesn't coincide with your spiritual life. Third, you and your boyfriend need trust. If you don't have that, it's not healthy for you. Fourth, now that you're now aware of your underlying diagnosis, try to access the help you need. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually

Edited by GodPrincess
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