mommyof3emblife Posted December 19, 2018 Group: Newbie Followers: 0 Topic Count: 1 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 1 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 2 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/19/2018 Status: Offline Share Posted December 19, 2018 My husband has struggled with porn since before marriage and continues in the cycle of me finding out, asking him, him lying until he realizes I’ve seen, then confessing and apologizing saying he won’t do it again. I always forgive and offer to support him if he’ll just be honest about it. This time it seems the content has gotten worse and he’s consistently searching for things about incest like brother/ sister, mother/son, father/daughter, and we have 3 young kids at home. With 1 being a daughter this really frightens me. Should I be worried about their safety if this type of porn is what interests him? What should I do? I’m not even sure how to approach this anymore as each time seems to escalate and him just finding better ways to hide it. I wish we could afford counseling but can’t. And I’ve asked him about going but he says no. How should I handle this? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steward George Posted December 19, 2018 Group: Steward Followers: 110 Topic Count: 10,465 Topics Per Day: 1.26 Content Count: 27,764 Content Per Day: 3.33 Reputation: 15,436 Days Won: 128 Joined: 06/30/2001 Status: Online Birthday: 09/21/1971 Steward Share Posted December 19, 2018 Shalom Mommy, Welcome to Worthy! I realize that you are in a difficult situation and I'm glad you're reaching out as this is a delicate matter. Your husband's obsession won't be dealt with until he deals with the situation in a multifaceted manner. Is he a Christian? and when confronted is he ashamed or does he get angry? This would indicate to me which direction you would go. Is there a church you attend to get any pastoral advice? You may want to check out these Christian sites. http://www.pureheartministries.net/ https://www.covenanteyes.com/2009/01/12/find-a-christian-counselor-for-porn-addiction/ God bless you, George Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enoob57 Posted December 19, 2018 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 35 Topic Count: 99 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 41,064 Content Per Day: 7.97 Reputation: 21,391 Days Won: 76 Joined: 03/13/2010 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/27/1957 Share Posted December 19, 2018 Prayed... Love, Steven Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnOrangeCat Posted December 19, 2018 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 57 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 1,397 Content Per Day: 0.27 Reputation: 1,818 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/24/2009 Status: Offline Share Posted December 19, 2018 If your right eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out and throw it away from you. For it is more profitable for you that one of your members should perish, than for your whole body to be cast into Gehenna. (Matthew 5:29) I don't believe Jesus was at all advocating tearing out our eyes, but you can certainly apply it to other things. Is his internet causing him to stumble? It seems yes. Is it necessary to have it? I can't say, not knowing your situation in full but it's worth considering. Aside from counseling you could consider using a router to block certain websites and make sure you're the only one with the ability to change those settings. If he's sincere in his apologies and wants to be a good father then he can do that much. It isn't foolproof since people can always just find other websites or use phones, but it is a layer of protection for both your husband and your kids. The easier it is for an addict to get their fix the more likely it is that they'll fall back into it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr3032 Posted December 19, 2018 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 13 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 332 Content Per Day: 0.16 Reputation: 273 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/23/2018 Status: Offline Share Posted December 19, 2018 (edited) I must admit my shame in that I have struggled with porn as well. Viewing it and finding... Entertainment with it as well, that entertainment leads to a release of dopamine. In other words, it feels good. It is fairly relaxing... But only ever for a short while. You see, with that release of dopamine, there's also this sense of unfulfillment. In your mind, you have the girl, you're right there with her, but then it's over, and you realize that you're alone. You didn't work to get the girl, you weren't actually with her, and you know that you're just a sad, depressing guy. It's an empty feeling, and your mind tells you that the only way to not experience that feeling is to do it again, to experience that dopamine rush again. It is both a seemingly endless cycle, and as with your husband's taste in genre, it is indeed a downward slope. To quote Gal 6:8 - The one who sows to please his flesh, from the flesh shall reap destruction. It starts out pretty simple enough, but before you know it, you start needing this or doing that in order to get that same feeling. Like if a person snorts just one line of coke for a while, his body gets used to it, so he eventually needs to move up to two lines of coke in order to get high. It might not seem to make much sense, but eventually, the plain ol' guy and the ample tan blonde 40-something just doesn't do the trick anymore. Eventually you have to move on to deeper and darker things to get that "high". With your husband, it seems he gets that high from viewing incest porn. Whether or not he views it with the mindset of actually engaging in said activities with your family, I can't rightfully say. However, as I said, it is a seemingly endless cycle of emptiness that only ever goes downhill. If he's viewing it, then he's normalizing it, and that can lead to disasterous results. Perhaps he is or isn't actually sorry. With me, it was like my mind was screaming and suffocating me, the images and urges ceaseless. I'd be pretty much defunct until I crawled back to porn. My mind wouldn't be screaming anymore, but I was filled with not only emptiness but disappointment and disgust. He may or may not be trying to escape it's grasp; it's just as bad as any other addiction. As for the situation with the children, I think i'd discuss it with him. Until this behavior can be reasonably abated, suggest that it might be best for the children to be elsewhere. He might get mad because of what that implies, that he might try to go after his kids, but remind him that they are your kids too, and that their safety and upbringing is of far more importance than a feeling of being slighted. If he still does not relent and you feel it's unsafe for them, i'd just move them elsewhere anyway. As for me, mine has been reasonably cleared up thanks to the Lord. It took... Way, way too long, but the urge has faded. It never really does go away completely, for anyone, I think. A guy just has to keep in mind to keep at it, keep trying. No ifs or buts. No "just one last time" or reaching for excuses. Just remember to pray, and avoid those things which elicit that kind of urge to begin with. Me, I don't have permanent access to the internet. It really does help to pry yourself away from the screen, and not just with porn, either. You can either put in place a proxy or censoring program to block illicit websites. Many of such services come with passwords, so it might be best if only you (the wife) knew the password, or there are also "random password" programs out there that make the passwords known to no one. Edited December 19, 2018 by dr3032 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas t Posted December 23, 2018 Group: Senior Member Followers: 8 Topic Count: 46 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 944 Content Per Day: 0.22 Reputation: 170 Days Won: 0 Joined: 05/05/2012 Status: Offline Birthday: 04/20/1980 Share Posted December 23, 2018 (edited) On 12/19/2018 at 2:34 AM, mommyof3emblife said: and he’s consistently searching for things about incest like brother/ sister, mother/son, father/daughter, Should I be worried about their safety if this type of porn is what interests him? What should I do? Hi Mommy, yes, you should, (watching) incest porn is really worrying. You have to take action now, in my opinion, you can't keep on keeping on without addressing the issue, in my opinion - Ok, you did obviously. If I were you, I would consider the following: As porn is legal, child porn is not. My suggestion in general, make it two topics: 1. watching porn and 2. watching incest porn. I would exclusively focus on the second topic for a certain time to come. Now I would ask him about consensual agreement and what is his stance about consenting partners in sex life. Can he understand that anything that is shown about father/daughter relationships in porn … can't be anything consensual? Any sexual relationship between father and daughter can never be considered to be consensual, since there is always a power gap, can he understand that? Can you still talk to him? Regards, Thomas Edited December 23, 2018 by thomas t vocabulary: "consensual" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTC Posted December 30, 2018 Group: Royal Member Followers: 18 Topic Count: 200 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 2,795 Content Per Day: 0.65 Reputation: 1,502 Days Won: 1 Joined: 06/25/2012 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/26/1952 Share Posted December 30, 2018 All I can add is that this is a form of desertion on his part. So you are free to leave him, what he's doing is the same as cheating on you. And since he's watching incest porn maybe you should start planning how to leave him and survive. Don't wait until he molests 1 of your kids. Fathers who molest their own children is so prevalent today I don't know any statistics anymore. There is much too much of it. The harm it does to the child is beyond measuring. Remember also that most children feel so ashamed they never tell anyone, even if you ask them. You should seek counseling for yourself, maybe a pastor will talk for free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metalharpey Posted January 10, 2019 Group: Members Followers: 2 Topic Count: 2 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 7 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 6 Days Won: 0 Joined: 01/10/2019 Status: Offline Birthday: 05/14/1991 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Very often porn is really just fantasies. And for many it will just remain fantasies and they wont act. I think talking about it is the best way to go but if he doesnt want to you might need a third to help you out with this. If you dont feel safe for the kids then dont ignore it. Demand answers. Leave if you must. Theres plenty of people out there willing to help you out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
other one Posted January 10, 2019 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 29 Topic Count: 596 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 56,043 Content Per Day: 7.56 Reputation: 27,786 Days Won: 271 Joined: 12/29/2003 Status: Offline Share Posted January 10, 2019 On 12/18/2018 at 7:34 PM, mommyof3emblife said: My husband has struggled with porn since before marriage and continues in the cycle of me finding out, asking him, him lying until he realizes I’ve seen, then confessing and apologizing saying he won’t do it again. I always forgive and offer to support him if he’ll just be honest about it. This time it seems the content has gotten worse and he’s consistently searching for things about incest like brother/ sister, mother/son, father/daughter, and we have 3 young kids at home. With 1 being a daughter this really frightens me. Should I be worried about their safety if this type of porn is what interests him? What should I do? I’m not even sure how to approach this anymore as each time seems to escalate and him just finding better ways to hide it. I wish we could afford counseling but can’t. And I’ve asked him about going but he says no. How should I handle this? you might inform him that any kind of porn that involves kids under 16 years old is a serious felony and our Justice Department is at the present time coming down on all the people involved with this..... and there are some serious prison times involved. I have worked with three people that we found was molesting his female children and I would have bet just about everything that those three people would not have done that..... you should be very very careful concerning your children...… that kind of thought process is not just a natural progression in Porn, but a very disturbing side track from what I read about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GodPrincess Posted January 25, 2019 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 1 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 45 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 4 Days Won: 0 Joined: 02/05/2017 Status: Offline Share Posted January 25, 2019 Hi, thanks for sharing. Definitely harbour your children as it's not healthy for them. I don't suggest an ultimatum, but set rules and boundaries about this behaviour. Keep emphasizing about what's healthy for the kids if he's not complying for your sake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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