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metalharpey

a confused cookie

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Alright so ive mentioned in my welcome post that i was baptized as a baby, but never gotten any religious info whatsoever, nor did we go to church.

Many times in my life have i tried to find god. To this day im still not sure where to look. In my puberty, i was approached by priests a few times, inviting me to church. Somehow i didnt dare to go there. Ive tried praying, but it doesnt seem to help. Anyhow, let me dig a little deeper.

Alright so when i was little my dad beat up my mom. She was ok with that until he started hitting me. They divorced when i was 2, mom remarried a good guy. He always worked hard and was never home. My mom has been depressed ever since she had a miscarriage before having me. I feel like i was a consolation baby. Something temporary like a plushie. She was like that until my brother was born 10 yrs and 1 month after me.

Meanwhile i had to visit my dad once a week and he loved to beat me up. He got another daughter which i always tried to protect against him (i hid her in the closet when i felt him coming). I told my mom and she did nothing. My dad threathened me to kill my brother if i didnt take it back so i told my mom i lied. Aside from her ignoring me she also had a chance to abuse me further. At the age of 12 I had to do the entire household (not only because of her depression but also reumatics), get perfect grades and atop of that also had to babysit my brother and do everything he ordered me to. Of course they also got me therapy because "i was a difficult child".

At the age of 15 i had a burnout. I quit school to dedicate myself to the household more and raising my brother because it was simply too much. That didnt go well, my darkest days began. By the next year i had attempted to suicide 4 times (never gone to the hospital because i wasnt worth that) and ran away twice. Thats also when i met the priests and tried praying. I was lost. And to make it worse, the only one who did care for me, my grandfather, died very sudden. In that same month my cat ran away from home and we found him near death 2 months later, only to have him die in my arms.

At the age of 18 i was kicked out of the house, into a youngster home. That is when id forsaken all. I felt like i had nobody left. I stopped making effort to pray too.

In my puberty ive had every possible kind of abuse  you could think of. Wether it was my parents or boyfriends, ive had it all.

Years passed and eventually i came back to my hometown to live on my own (by then i had literally everything taken away from me). Im going steady with a guy now for almost 3 years. Everything is going fine, except for the fact we got a miscarriage of our own nearly 2 years ago. Since hes diabetic and im overweight, that pregnancy was a miracle on its own. All i ever wanted, and it was just taken away from us like that.

Now im a very confused cookie. I WANT to believe there is a god, that theres something more to life. But from everything ive had to go through, everything i had to see happen to the people around me, and even losing our baby... Im just not sure anymore. That loss is tormenting me every month during my period. Its a reminder that ive failed to conceive yet again.

Well then, im on a turning point of my life right now. Ive cut ties with family because they only seem to drag me down no matter what i do. Ive cut ties with people who claimed to be friends but were only there for my money and my food. Ive decided to throw away most of my stuff that has even the slightest trace of a negative feeling or reminder. Im ready to go forward, and with almost 10 years after being on my own, i think its about damn time.

Thats why i came here. I want to see if i can restore my relationship with god, if he will have me. I hope my life will turn better as well. The only thing i ever wanted was to become a mother. Now i need to learn how to be a child, a child of god. I hope you guys can help me on my way.

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Well, the first thing I would say is, Christianity is not really a religion, it is a way of life.  The first thing I would recommend, is getting a good bible version and start off reading the gospels.  I love Matthew, so I would start there and read the gospel of Jesus Christ.  John's gospel would be my second recommendation to you.  Then I would go back and read Mark and Luke as well, because we are all different, sometimes different gospels speak more to one person than they will to another.  So read them all, and ask questions of us at any time, we all want to see you find your way along this wonderful path of salvation and peace.  Praying for you.

God bless

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28 minutes ago, metalharpey said:

Thats why i came here. I want to see if i can restore my relationship with god, if he will have me. I hope my life will turn better as well. The only thing i ever wanted was to become a mother. Now i need to learn how to be a child, a child of god. I hope you guys can help me on my way.

The good news is that we have a means by which to be reconciled to God and it doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, what you've done, or what you've been through. The very reason Jesus died and was resurrected is so that we would have an avenue of reconciliation to God. God is all about restoration and the offer from Him is there.

Joh 3:16  For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. 
Joh 3:17  For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. 
Joh 3:18  "He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. 

Rom 10:9  that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 
Rom 10:10  For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. 

 

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@metalharpey,

My heart breaks to hear of all the things you had to endure in this life.   This world is a fallen place due to sin.  I am so glad to hear that you are pursuing a relationship with God.  He is the God of all comfort and loves you more than anyone on this earth does and will ever love you.  He died for you and gave his all that you might be made whole in Him.  He changes our lives and makes us brand new in Him and promises never to leave us when we accept Him as our Saviour.  

Just know God will have you and  he wants you and he loves you.  Jesus was sent by the father to live among us and he lived a perfect life.  He never sinned.  He was fully God and fully man and sinless.  He sacrificed himself on the cross for yours and mine all who believe in him as their savior and ask for forgiveness for the sins we have committed.  He died and rose again on the third day and lives forever more at the right hand of the Father.  Believe in him and you will be saved.  God will help you with all the ugly past.  He will help you to forgive all those that have sinned against you and give you a new life in Him.  Your story is different than mine but I understand how ugly life can be from my own experience.  The best thing I ever did was trust God because he gave me a new life in him and I was able to forgive others.  I hope you will put your faith and trust in Jesus you will never regret it. 

Praying for you now.   

 

 

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I think you're moving in a good direction, cutting ties and ditching things that remind you of the negativity. Another thing you might want to consider is immersion. People have said things like "It's easy to be a Christian in church." or "It's easy to be a Christian around other Christians." and it's true. But as someone getting in to Christianity and wanting to believe you NEED it easy. If you can find a church that works for you and get Christian friends online or locally or both it will be good for you.

As someone who's had a lousy life I know it can be difficult to believe. These bad situations we've been through are terrible but at the same time they're opportunities for us to show our dedication to God. From what you've said in your post I truly believe you have a good heart. You tried to protect your sister to your own detriment. That's Christlike behavior there, which should be one of the main priorities of any Christian. Hang on to that and know you did a good thing in a tough situation that no one your age should be put through. Certainly there are going to be times when it's hard to feel God. In those times you just have to hold on tight to what you know is right and seek out guidance from other Christians until it passes, however long it takes.

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A terrible history does not make a terrible person. After all, how can armor be forged if the blacksmith never puts hammer to steel? These things burn and hurt, but in them, you have become all the more stronger for it. Not everything in life goes well, but know that it only ever rains for so long. Have faith and be patient, as just like how Rome wasn't built in a day, all things take time and effort.

Matthew 13:31-32:

He set another man before them, saying, "The kingdom of God is like a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field; which indeed is smaller than all seeds. But when it is grown, it is greater than the herbs, and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in it's branches."

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On 1/9/2019 at 11:45 PM, metalharpey said:

Alright so ive mentioned in my welcome post that i was baptized as a baby, but never gotten any religious info whatsoever, nor did we go to church.

Many times in my life have i tried to find god. To this day im still not sure where to look. In my puberty, i was approached by priests a few times, inviting me to church. Somehow i didnt dare to go there. Ive tried praying, but it doesnt seem to help. Anyhow, let me dig a little deeper.

Alright so when i was little my dad beat up my mom. She was ok with that until he started hitting me. They divorced when i was 2, mom remarried a good guy. He always worked hard and was never home. My mom has been depressed ever since she had a miscarriage before having me. I feel like i was a consolation baby. Something temporary like a plushie. She was like that until my brother was born 10 yrs and 1 month after me.

Meanwhile i had to visit my dad once a week and he loved to beat me up. He got another daughter which i always tried to protect against him (i hid her in the closet when i felt him coming). I told my mom and she did nothing. My dad threathened me to kill my brother if i didnt take it back so i told my mom i lied. Aside from her ignoring me she also had a chance to abuse me further. At the age of 12 I had to do the entire household (not only because of her depression but also reumatics), get perfect grades and atop of that also had to babysit my brother and do everything he ordered me to. Of course they also got me therapy because "i was a difficult child".

At the age of 15 i had a burnout. I quit school to dedicate myself to the household more and raising my brother because it was simply too much. That didnt go well, my darkest days began. By the next year i had attempted to suicide 4 times (never gone to the hospital because i wasnt worth that) and ran away twice. Thats also when i met the priests and tried praying. I was lost. And to make it worse, the only one who did care for me, my grandfather, died very sudden. In that same month my cat ran away from home and we found him near death 2 months later, only to have him die in my arms.

At the age of 18 i was kicked out of the house, into a youngster home. That is when id forsaken all. I felt like i had nobody left. I stopped making effort to pray too.

In my puberty ive had every possible kind of abuse  you could think of. Wether it was my parents or boyfriends, ive had it all.

Years passed and eventually i came back to my hometown to live on my own (by then i had literally everything taken away from me). Im going steady with a guy now for almost 3 years. Everything is going fine, except for the fact we got a miscarriage of our own nearly 2 years ago. Since hes diabetic and im overweight, that pregnancy was a miracle on its own. All i ever wanted, and it was just taken away from us like that.

Now im a very confused cookie. I WANT to believe there is a god, that theres something more to life. But from everything ive had to go through, everything i had to see happen to the people around me, and even losing our baby... Im just not sure anymore. That loss is tormenting me every month during my period. Its a reminder that ive failed to conceive yet again.

Well then, im on a turning point of my life right now. Ive cut ties with family because they only seem to drag me down no matter what i do. Ive cut ties with people who claimed to be friends but were only there for my money and my food. Ive decided to throw away most of my stuff that has even the slightest trace of a negative feeling or reminder. Im ready to go forward, and with almost 10 years after being on my own, i think its about damn time.

Thats why i came here. I want to see if i can restore my relationship with god, if he will have me. I hope my life will turn better as well. The only thing i ever wanted was to become a mother. Now i need to learn how to be a child, a child of god. I hope you guys can help me on my way.

Thanks for coming here. Understand that though you have a long road ahead due to past abuse, that Jesus Christ is skilled in bringing large chunks of healing to you, all at once.

Jesus died for you and for me, a horrible death by torture, then rose from the dead, because you, your abusers, good people, me, all have this in common, we are morally imperfect and would ruin heaven. Abusers aren't allowed in Heaven, they'd ruin it for others. I'm disallowed from Heaven, if I hurt you or you hurt me even ONCE in 1,000,000 years... we must be changed to get to Heaven. Jesus will change a person so that they never again disobey their conscience and hurt another--but that transformation doesn't come now, in this life. It comes when we meet Jesus Christ.

Start by trusting Him, not yourself, for salvation. Cry to Him, then ask Him for some big healing today and tomorrow and tomorrow!

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My goodness!  Girl  you've been through the mill in ways I find hard to imagine.  May I pray  for you?

 

Father, my heart breaks when I hear some of these stories of lives this  world has abused so grievously and I know Yours does too.  I ask that You would move powerfully to reveal Yourself to my sister.  Please respond vigorously  to the cry of her heart  to know You.  I ask that you would commission some of those incredible ministering spirits to go forth and manipulate and manuever situations  and circumstances  in her life, to bring her into repeated, gentle confrontations with the reality  of the person of Jesus Christ.  And most of all give her an experience of Your  great love for  her.  I ask You  to move the hearts of Your people near her to bring words of life into her hearing  and I ask  You to prepare her heart to receive them.  Plant them deeply and securely in well plowed soil.  In Jesus' Name I ask it all, and thank You for being a God who responds to the cries of His people.

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“  Anybody that asks to be saved WILL be saved”. Pray that the Holy Spirit will open your eyes and convict your heart of your lost condition and your need for a Savior. Everything pretty much takes of itself after that.  “Turn to me and I will turn to you”. You will be in my prayers......God bless

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Hi, thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear about your hardships, it's amazing you're pressing on the way you are. Clearly, you have a purpose or you wouldn't have gotten through it all. Definitely rekindle your relationship with God, and pursue a healthy, fulfilling way of things 

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