Learned about dads past

[Jane1234]

So tonight my sister mentioned that my dad had previously cheated on my mom and had a few things with two other girls not sure to what  extent and I didn’t know about this. She was recently cheated on by her boyfriend and hasn’t been following God and this confuses her because she never understood why my mom stay with him but now she is in the same boat she is staying with her boyfriend. I knew that my parents  had had issues but I thought it was like an emotional affair and never thought my dad could do that. It’s all in the past now but i am in shock. My dad is my number one role model and rock in my life. I am hurt by his actions that affected the family. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. Nothing has ever rocked my world view quite like this and I am 23 years old. My initial feelings were that I should lock myself up and be the most virtuous person possible to stop the hurt from every touching me in the future. But then I realized that I am currently living in a state like that and it has done no good to stop this hurt from coming. And then I start spiraling and think that the one person in my life that expects the most out of me and is my spiritual mentor that I have the utmost respect for has sinned so majorly and I feel like he has been very hypocritical. I don’t know how I can take him giving me advice and judgment for my choices in life when they have been far smaller than his. How can I still love my dad and be strong in my faith when everything I’m feeling is making me want to abandon what I know and even my family for not being who I thought they were. 

[GodPrincess]

Hi, thanks for sharing. A lot of people have daddy issues, 99% of the time it's related to infidelity. Talk to your dad, be straight up about how you feel. Understand too that marriage isn't easy. Whatever you do, try to love your dad unconditionally because people make mistakes 

[Neighbor]

And so you are 23, okay. Recently family got together to honor my 93 year old mother and to scatter her ashes.  We also shared the news within the family; "hey did you know we have a cousin we never knew! Susan has a half brother, went to school with him, grew up near him, and they never knew they had one dad. Ha, how about that? Interesting and kind of exciting,-  another family member, eh?" That is the perspective of 70 year olds. As the insurance commercial says - we have been around we have seen a few things.

 It is easier at 23 to find faults in parents and older people in general,  and to be so shaken by it, yet accept with hardly a passing thought about a sister living outside of marriage with a man.  

By the time you make 70 it is fully expected that everyone is a sinner saved by the grace and the mercy of God alone,  tending to not hold each other up to shame as much as accept our own shame and the realization of the absolutely awesome generosity of our creator in his taking on own sin to himself.

 Personally I'd seal my lips, open my heart, and let it go. Let Jesus handle it and pray that your father is a repentant sinner saved by the grace and mercy of God.

Besides as a practical matter, you go after him he will perhaps in defense share of things that motivated him that will not leave you feeling on top in the emotions battle you may be choosing to engage in. Let sleeping dogs lie, lest they come back and sniff at you.

Enjoy God's mercy and grace and live it too.

[Willa]

Sin is sin, and a bad unforgiving attitude may be just as bad as your dad's adultery in God's eyes.  God said that all our righteous is as filthy stinking rags in His eyes.  We are all in need of God's grace and mercy.   All people are just human and will let others down, as will we.  Only God is perfect and will never let us down.  

Your dad doesn't want his kids to make the same mistakes he made.  He knows how much it has damaged his home, his life and his relationship with God.  He hopes others don't suffer the same pain he did.  You would do well to pay even closer attention to his guidance, warnings and rules.  They are for your good and safety.  

King David really messed up and then had to suffer the consequences.  The worst was that he strayed away from God for a while, had an affair with Bathsheba and then set her husband up to be killed, and then he didn't punish a son for raping his sister which caused another son to hunt him down.  Talk about dysfunctional families!  But he really repented and begged for God to forgive him.  Read the psalms where he spoke his heart.  

God knows that people are rotten;  that is why  Jesus died for our sins and took our punishment.  We all need His help or we will never be able to come into God's presence.

[other one]

20 hours ago, Jane1234 said:

So tonight my sister mentioned that my dad had previously cheated on my mom and had a few things with two other girls not sure to what  extent and I didn’t know about this. She was recently cheated on by her boyfriend and hasn’t been following God and this confuses her because she never understood why my mom stay with him but now she is in the same boat she is staying with her boyfriend. I knew that my parents  had had issues but I thought it was like an emotional affair and never thought my dad could do that. It’s all in the past now but i am in shock. My dad is my number one role model and rock in my life. I am hurt by his actions that affected the family. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. Nothing has ever rocked my world view quite like this and I am 23 years old. My initial feelings were that I should lock myself up and be the most virtuous person possible to stop the hurt from every touching me in the future. But then I realized that I am currently living in a state like that and it has done no good to stop this hurt from coming. And then I start spiraling and think that the one person in my life that expects the most out of me and is my spiritual mentor that I have the utmost respect for has sinned so majorly and I feel like he has been very hypocritical. I don’t know how I can take him giving me advice and judgment for my choices in life when they have been far smaller than his. How can I still love my dad and be strong in my faith when everything I’m feeling is making me want to abandon what I know and even my family for not being who I thought they were. 

obviously your mom sees something in your dad that you don't see.....    if she's forgiven him you should pay attention to her.....     people make mistakes in life.     And you may know what your dad did, but I doubt that you know why....   and why can involve a lot of different things.

[Jostler]

This will be long so I hope your eyes don't glaze over   I'll state the main point up front and go a bit deeper later. 

One of the most powerful places of personal healing and stability  in Him we can find, is getting settled in our father issues.  When we can come to a place (and we can do it by choice) of forgiving both our parents and realizing that they are fallen human beings in need of a saviour just like we are.  Forgiveness is a choice though getting your  emotions, sense of betrayal and all that to line up with your decision can take some Spirit empowered focus.  I would encourage  you to choose...now...to  forgive your  Dad and perhaps ask yourself a question or two.  Does learning  of this failure truly negate the good qualities he has?  We're all a mix of purified and impure.  There is a reason parental failures are likely to affect us  more than most and it's a fascinating one to unpack.....so here goes

At one point, I decided  to  do some  digging on just what it means to be created "in His image".  In the process I found  out  it's a much deeper and richer subject than I ever imagined.  We're also created in His  "likeness" and those words are not synonymous.  In any  case...the first thing to realize is that an image is NOT the reality.  It's a reflection, a similitude...not the totality of what it represents.  I may elaborate on that later.

Most will  focus  at first on the descriptions we have of God (rightly so) and in every case we're given He describes Himself in the  Word as having a human form.  Bi-cameral construction, two arms, two legs, ears, nose, mouth, etc.  Is that a reflection  of His  image?  Definitely.  But  as the  Teacher takes you  deeper you begin to see that is the "entry level"...surface understanding.   We do  as individuals reflect His  image physically.  But that is not the highest, most complete reflection of His image that  exists in the earth.

The most  complete  reflection is  found in US...male and female in union.  And to be more exact,  it's found in the  human family.  Male and female with  children.  In this reflection we find that the man of the house is a reflection of God the  Father and the woman is representative of the  Holy Spirit, while children represent Jesus, obedient to Father and Spirit.

Children are BORN with this knowledge, ingrained and its foundational  to their development because God intended from the beginning that children should first learn most powerfully  of Him by watching father and mother.  Had sin not intervened and  the image become marred, we would not have the father/mother  issues we do to overcome.  But it did.  The images became flawed, imperfect representations of the reality of the Godhead.  But the child does not know this.  And furthermore, the child doesn't know he/she is also marred, broken.

The Bible uses light to add understanding to this:

Quote

Pro 20:20

Whoever curses his father or his mother,
His lamp will be put out in deep darkness.

These lamps in Solomon's day were usually clay pots with an oil reservoir and a pinched area or hole that would hold a wick.  Cursing father  or mother cuts off the flow of oil to the wick and it can no longer burn and give off light.  It's "life flow" has been cut off.  Forgive, and do  it quickly and be very, very careful about condemnation.  It is possible to cut off the free flow of the Holy Spirit into your own life.

In this image, father represents God the Father and is the seat of authority.  Protector.  Provider.  Mother is representative of the Holy  Spirit, the Paraclete, the one who pulls along side, the Comforter, the POWER of the  father.  Again children represent Jesus, obedient to Father and Mother.

If you want to test this, do an experiment.  When you get around small children watch them.  If the family is reasonably functional, when a child is afraid, they will invariably, instinctively  run to Dad.  If a child is hurt, physically or emotionally, they  will without fail go to Mom.

Why is it that Mom can speak, cajole, threaten consequences for bad behaviour, and get pushed to the limit, but when Dad intervenes ITS OVER.  I  believe it is this God implanted awareness of the  Father's authority that  kids instinctively  respond to.   I was fortunate because my parents modeled this very well.  The most feared words I could hear from Mom were "We'll take this up again when your Father gets home."  My Father was the disciplinarian in our home, and I believe that is proper and necessary.  My Mother would discipline us if absolutely necessary and the discipline would not wait  until Dad was around.  But Mom's are designed to nurture and discipline is very hard for them to do.  Father is able to look beyond  the  momentary pain he is dishing out to the consequences he is trying to prevent for the child should the behaviour go  unchecked and become ingrained.  That strong Father kind  of love can handle disciplining much better than that deeply nurturing Mother  kind of love.

One thing I observed with  my  own daughters.  My wife would literally spend an hour getting my  daughters dressed and hair done for church or family  outings.  What did the girls do?  Once finished, without a by your leave or thanks for Mom, they ran to me and asked me how they looked.  My wife confessed she  felt slighted and unappreciated and I sincerely wish I had understood the reason back then.  But it was not that my girls had no appreciation...it was that they were already FULLY convinced of Mom's unconditional love.  Dad's love may be in fact unconditional, but it needs specific reinforcement.  Father carries an image of that "awesome, powerful" and even "terrible aspect of our  Heavenly Father.  He is less approachable and kids are often needing reassurance that father's love is still  there in full measure.  Fathers, you  will do more to form your young  lady's self-image than any other force on earth.  If you tell them they are beautiful, they will know and believe that they are truly beautiful.  If you don't tell them, they'll end up going and finding someone else who  will.  And that person's motivation for giving them the reassurance they need may not be pure at all.

Because this instinctive response to  the image of God is so powerful, it can cause great damage in homes where father is absent, uncaring or worse....abusive.  The child is learning about God through their interactions with their parents.  Like it or not it's happening and you can imagine what begins to happen to the child's concept of our Heavenly Father when Dad  is violent, detatched, selfish or worse.

It doesn't take much imagination to realize the damage done when a father  begins to use his 8 yr old daughter as a wife.  ?  Or son...uggh.

People who  have experienced that often end up rejecting  God completely, which  is one reason satan spends so much time promoting sexual immorality  and perversion.  But our Heavenly  Father is not guilty.  The image is marred.

There is so much more fascinating depth to the "image" and we didn't even touch on the "likeness" but I'll stop here or end up writing a book.

Hopefully some  of this will help in sorting out the powerful emotions you are feeling.  Be blesssed  sister, I am praying for you.

[Zemke]

Talk with your dad and first find out if it's true. There are two sides. When it comes to relationships gone bad it may take a while to sort out the mess but the reason your dad is a rock to you is that he has been a good father. He may have been an ass to your mom or may not have been. What mess they made is not your mess and it seems he's been a good man to keep that from being your mess. It's very difficult to go thru all of that and maintain a steady hand with your children. Sounds like a solid guy is a true part of who your father is.

I'm for men's rights and not much of an advocate for believing women. So I do have a bias but one founded on experience and knowing a number of men being stripped of justice in a marriage gone mad. Maybe your dad was a jerk but not to you. It could be you're the one thing in life he's done right. Don't be used to cut a wound in him that will hurt both of you.

[missmuffet]

On 1/24/2019 at 10:35 PM, Jane1234 said:

So tonight my sister mentioned that my dad had previously cheated on my mom and had a few things with two other girls not sure to what  extent and I didn’t know about this. She was recently cheated on by her boyfriend and hasn’t been following God and this confuses her because she never understood why my mom stay with him but now she is in the same boat she is staying with her boyfriend. I knew that my parents  had had issues but I thought it was like an emotional affair and never thought my dad could do that. It’s all in the past now but i am in shock. My dad is my number one role model and rock in my life. I am hurt by his actions that affected the family. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. Nothing has ever rocked my world view quite like this and I am 23 years old. My initial feelings were that I should lock myself up and be the most virtuous person possible to stop the hurt from every touching me in the future. But then I realized that I am currently living in a state like that and it has done no good to stop this hurt from coming. And then I start spiraling and think that the one person in my life that expects the most out of me and is my spiritual mentor that I have the utmost respect for has sinned so majorly and I feel like he has been very hypocritical. I don’t know how I can take him giving me advice and judgment for my choices in life when they have been far smaller than his. How can I still love my dad and be strong in my faith when everything I’m feeling is making me want to abandon what I know and even my family for not being who I thought they were. 

Infidelity is wrong in a marriage. First you need to give this whole thing to God. You need to sit down with your father and mother and tell him exactly how you feel. Be very honest. It will clear the air and also it will make you feel better. 

[1to3]

On 1/25/2019 at 1:35 AM, Jane1234 said:

And then I start spiraling and think that the one person in my life that expects the most out of me and is my spiritual mentor that I have the utmost respect for has sinned so majorly and I feel like he has been very hypocritical. I don’t know how I can take him giving me advice and judgment for my choices in life when they have been far smaller than his. How can I still love my dad and be strong in my faith when everything I’m feeling is making me want to abandon what I know and even my family for not being who I thought they were. 

Dear friend of Christ Jesus.

Remember always for your whole lifetime that God is your Father and is PERFECT and TRUE and DOES NOT CHANGE.

He is the ONE we can always keep our faith and trust with.

I feel for how you are feeling, because I too once felt like you, not from my father cheating on my mother, there are other ways also that can, shake, shock, children's innocence , confuse children and make them question things that our supposedly "sin free" parents have taught us/where suppose to teach us, but that we with our own eyes saw that what they preached, they themselves did not do or fell short of.

The thing is, our parents are just people, with their own set of sins and struggles and are just trying to make it in this sometimes very, tricky, difficult and complicated world.

Your parents just like you and me, are just sinners in need of their TRUE FATHER, and if they found Gods plan of redemption and Grace through Gods only begotten Son Christ Jesus, they are redeemed through their own repentance and walk with God. They like you and me,  need to find their resolution through Christ Jesus.

The only thing we can change is ourselves.

We can also pray to God for others, and be a Godly example through Christ living in us.

I spent a lot of years angry and resentful from some of the things I saw my parents do. It took me to finally many of my own trials and errors, to finally come to understand that my parents were just people who needed God Mercy and Grace just like me.

When I finally stopped the blame game ( through God convicting my ow spirit) is when I began to get better, the broken record in my head stooped playing.Praise God (a true miracle) finally giving me peace of mind,  Then I  was truly able to heal and also grow more in more in Christ Jesus.Praise God! Amen!Amen! Amen!.

I say that emphatically because it was really bad that  "old record coming on and playing at any time" and it made me so depressed sometimes to the point of suicide, self destruction, or self sabotage.

 Through my own life, and struggling with that old broken record in my head, I  made a lot of sinful mistakes.

Now with all my own sin, who was I to blame anyone,I was just as bad, maybe even worse, but in my despair I thank my Father God that I cried out to Him for help, salvaging and and restoration.

It is amazing what our true Father in heaven can do and remains forever faithful to HIS WORD, Amen!.

God our Father is the ONE who sets sinners FREE.

And when you have been set free through Christ Jesus, you a FREE indeed, hallelujah!

As Christians if we fall, we Go to Our Father, confess our sins and weaknesses and ask God to forgive us and heal us and help us become more and more His new creation.

God is the ONE who changes people through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit living in a true Christians heart and convicting its spirit and working in them to help then change, turn away from sins, strongholds and be healed by Christs redeeming Blood.

and we continue always to grow more and more in Christ Jesus as we seek His will not ours daily.

Pray for your earth father, your earth mother, show Gods love & respect to them as that is what God our TRUE Father asks from us to do.

Be doing so, we give blessings of Gods love and mercy to them and in turn Gods blesses us back with His Love and Mercy.

Both my parents are now passed, I know they both loved Christ Jesus and are under His wing now and eternally. For me that brings me comfort to know that even though they were not perfect, they found God plans of Mercy and Grace through Christ Jesus.

God Bless you and I pray that our Father God keep you from keeping any resentments as these don't come from God.

The enemy only comes to kill steal and destroy.

God our Father came so all may have life and life abundantly

Jesus the Good Shepherd

John 10:10

Christ Jesus said:
…9I am the gate. If anyone enters through Me, he will be saved. He will come in and go out and find pasture. 10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it in all its fullness. 11I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.…

 

 

Edited January 27, 2019 by 1to3

[JohnD]

On 1/25/2019 at 12:35 AM, Jane1234 said:

So tonight my sister mentioned that my dad had previously cheated on my mom and had a few things with two other girls not sure to what  extent and I didn’t know about this. She was recently cheated on by her boyfriend and hasn’t been following God and this confuses her because she never understood why my mom stay with him but now she is in the same boat she is staying with her boyfriend. I knew that my parents  had had issues but I thought it was like an emotional affair and never thought my dad could do that. It’s all in the past now but i am in shock. My dad is my number one role model and rock in my life. I am hurt by his actions that affected the family. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. Nothing has ever rocked my world view quite like this and I am 23 years old. My initial feelings were that I should lock myself up and be the most virtuous person possible to stop the hurt from every touching me in the future. But then I realized that I am currently living in a state like that and it has done no good to stop this hurt from coming. And then I start spiraling and think that the one person in my life that expects the most out of me and is my spiritual mentor that I have the utmost respect for has sinned so majorly and I feel like he has been very hypocritical. I don’t know how I can take him giving me advice and judgment for my choices in life when they have been far smaller than his. How can I still love my dad and be strong in my faith when everything I’m feeling is making me want to abandon what I know and even my family for not being who I thought they were. 

No one sins in a corner.

It will always find us out. And a cheating parent cheats on their children just as much as on their spouse.

All these things are due to the sewer we all live in (thanks to all our sin).

If any good comes of any of it (yours, mine, everyone's), it is all thanks to Jesus Christ!