Gary7 Posted March 4, 2019 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 3 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 6 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 6 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/04/2019 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/04/1967 Share Posted March 4, 2019 I am new but I need to find someone to talk to. I hope I don't overshare. My son and his girlfriend live with me. They have a child together, my granddaughter. They have lived with me for about 10 months. Before that they were homeless, living out of my son's truck. I don't agree with his decisions, but with her being pregnant and they were not in safe circumstances, I decided to ask them to live with me. It has been very rocky at times both between me and them and them between each other. I have had to talk her off of the precipice of self-harm several times. There have been some minor instances of physical "interaction" between them as well. All this to say I am looking for advice, admonishment, encouragement, Etc. My siblings and parents are very supportive but I feel like I need some third party perspective sometimes. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jostler Posted March 4, 2019 Group: Mars Hill Followers: 25 Topic Count: 6 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 2,679 Content Per Day: 1.40 Reputation: 3 Days Won: 16 Joined: 01/19/2019 Status: Offline Share Posted March 4, 2019 wow.....terribly tough situation. I really don't know any substitute for really digging in with Him and finding out what His will is in all this. I think it might be appropriate to attempt to establish in their minds and in reality, the divine order of a father in charge of his own house....and responsible before God for how it is structured and run. I think understanding that you have certain expectations for the conduct under your roof could be delivered gently, but firmly. Infractions are something you can then begin to (gently) point out, and let them know fall outside the boundaries you approve of for conduct in a place under your authority ...and for which you will give an account. Perhaps let them know (again, gently) of the infractions you disapprove, and let it go....while informing them you will be appealing to the HIGHEST authority for a remedy. Father is a GOOD Father, as you are trying to model. And if you take violations of your authority (delegated to you by Him) to Him in prayer, and leave resolution of those violations in His hands....I suspect that HE will establish you in the authority He has delegated to any father. And He can do it in such a way, that He reveals Himself to them in the process of establishing your authority for you. If you try to establish your own authority in their eyes, by your own efforts and power, rebellion is likely to be the result. If HE does it, it will result in respect for both you and Him. I will be praying for you Not a situation I envy you for, but He is good I will also ask Him to speak clearly at every step in ways you can clearly hear and to give you peace with acting on whatever you hear. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmuffet Posted March 4, 2019 Group: Royal Member Followers: 34 Topic Count: 1,990 Topics Per Day: 0.48 Content Count: 48,688 Content Per Day: 11.83 Reputation: 30,343 Days Won: 226 Joined: 01/11/2013 Status: Offline Share Posted March 4, 2019 1 hour ago, Gary7 said: I am new but I need to find someone to talk to. I hope I don't overshare. My son and his girlfriend live with me. They have a child together, my granddaughter. They have lived with me for about 10 months. Before that they were homeless, living out of my son's truck. I don't agree with his decisions, but with her being pregnant and they were not in safe circumstances, I decided to ask them to live with me. It has been very rocky at times both between me and them and them between each other. I have had to talk her off of the precipice of self-harm several times. There have been some minor instances of physical "interaction" between them as well. All this to say I am looking for advice, admonishment, encouragement, Etc. My siblings and parents are very supportive but I feel like I need some third party perspective sometimes. It is very generous of you to give your son and his girlfriend a roof over their head. Are you a Christian and a praying person? That is who I would give this to first. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Who me Posted March 4, 2019 Group: Royal Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 17 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 3,298 Content Per Day: 1.73 Reputation: 1,685 Days Won: 0 Joined: 01/27/2019 Status: Offline Share Posted March 4, 2019 1 hour ago, Gary7 said: I am looking for advice, admonishment, encouragement, Etc. You've got a tough situation there. My first suggestion is about basic house rules. Do they pay rent, help around the house, pull their weight with house work etc? What rules do you have about alcohoil and drugs in the house? If they are living with you, then they attend church with you on Sunday. Is he in work. or actively looking for work? Can you get her to see a doctor/councelor about her selfharming? Talk to your pastor, he or other church members wil be able to help you negotiate ground rules for them while in your house. What is your bottom line behaviour wise that would cause you to evict them? You need to concider all angels and that includes your personal security, credit cards, bank details etc 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary7 Posted March 4, 2019 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 3 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 6 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 6 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/04/2019 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/04/1967 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 I am a Christian. I pray daily and often about the whole situation. They have not had consistent income until last week. Overall, they are not rude or outright taking advantage of me in extreme ways. My son is 20 and the girlfriend is 19. My granddaughter is now 5 months old. My son got a new job last week that is a decently paying job as a grinder for a manufacturing company. He is in training to be a welder and the company will help him with that so if he can keep the job, it will be good. Last summer, after an incident, I made her stay somewhere else for a couple of days and I only let her come back after we had a serious discussion and they signed a behavior contract. They have not followed all of it to the letter. The main one that has not been followed is the aspect of her getting counseling. She has been hurt in the past and she needs to talk through her issues with a professional. I haven't able to convince her to do this. They don't go to church. She mocks church and God at times. I always took my kids to church but he has now quit going and says he doesn't know if he believes anymore. I am glad they are safe and my granddaughter is safe. If my son can keep this job, he will make enough money so they can get their own place. Don't know what will happen then. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary7 Posted March 4, 2019 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 3 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 6 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 6 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/04/2019 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/04/1967 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 Thank you and I agree the hundred percent with the words that you have said. I feel that I am in a spiritual renewal in my life right now in spite of everything that's going on. Through difficulties and disappointments and my own lack of communication with significant people in my own life, I feel like I've been in a 15 year drought and wilderness season. I stopped seeking the Lord as I should have been. I still went to church but the real seeking and pressing part of my Christian Life was missing. So there is even some blame that I feel and shame because of the choices my son has been making. I believe it was the Lord's doing but 2019 to this point has been an experience of faith restoration for me. I've struggled the last couple of days because the girlfriend was mocking a praise and worship video I was watching when they came home. She was mocking the people that were you know raising their hands in worship. I feel I should be stronger and that it shouldn't affect me but I'm just being honest and saying that it did and it still is a little bit. My struggle is in that I should not have backed off in my faith over the last 15 years and since in my opinion the damage has been done in my son's life what difference does it make if I renew my faith now. I have missed my relationship with God and I have been so thankful to experience renewal over these last 2 months and I don't want that to stop. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnOrangeCat Posted March 4, 2019 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 57 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 1,397 Content Per Day: 0.27 Reputation: 1,817 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/24/2009 Status: Offline Share Posted March 4, 2019 I feel like you're doing a good thing and in a way you're even blessed. All too common family members will take advantage of each other. It sounds like you've reached out to them and it's not a situation where you're being grossly taken advantage of. With your son saying he doesn't know if he believes anymore it sounds like he's in need of some renewal himself. Maybe you should share your own experience of spiritual drought with him if you haven't already? And maybe have a heart to heart talk about why his girlfriend feels a need to be so mocking? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary7 Posted March 4, 2019 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 3 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 6 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 6 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/04/2019 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/04/1967 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 2 hours ago, Who me said: You've got a tough situation there. My first suggestion is about basic house rules. Do they pay rent, help around the house, pull their weight with house work etc? What rules do you have about alcohoil and drugs in the house? If they are living with you, then they attend church with you on Sunday. Is he in work. or actively looking for work? Can you get her to see a doctor/councelor about her selfharming? Talk to your pastor, he or other church members wil be able to help you negotiate ground rules for them while in your house. What is your bottom line behaviour wise that would cause you to evict them? You need to concider all angels and that includes your personal security, credit cards, bank details etc I have talked to my pastor but it is a large church and key keeps referring me to helplines and community service agencies. I have reached out to some of them and it's helped a little but not specifically or significantly. Other than not getting counseling, there has not been any overwhelming breach of anything I've asked of them. My son helps around the house and washes the dishes more than she does. I hate confrontation and so sometimes that's a problem for me especially in this situation. I will gather my wits and have difficult discussions when I have to but it's tough for me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kristin Posted March 5, 2019 Group: Senior Member Followers: 6 Topic Count: 27 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 875 Content Per Day: 0.41 Reputation: 757 Days Won: 1 Joined: 06/04/2018 Status: Offline Share Posted March 5, 2019 Pray for yourself and them. God help me. God help us. Pray and pray some more. ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tzephanyahu Posted March 5, 2019 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 69 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 1,625 Content Per Day: 0.79 Reputation: 2,033 Days Won: 1 Joined: 09/10/2018 Status: Offline Share Posted March 5, 2019 12 hours ago, Gary7 said: I hate confrontation and so sometimes that's a problem for me especially in this situation. Shalom Gary, May Yahweh give your strength and courage at this time. My brother, I feel bad for you in this situation - it's far from ideal. I can't really offer great advice as I do not know of the intricacies of the situation and characters. But, from what you have shared, that I will offer advice on in the hope it gives you peace and some form of resolution. Firstly, it's great your son is working now. That's crucial he continues to do so, to supply for his family and contribute to your expenses. However, it might be a good idea (if you haven't already) to take him out for a drink, and JUST him. It would be good to have a talk with him, not only as a father but as a peer - to understand his plans, his goals, his thoughts, his heart and his worries. Again, this needs to be away from the home and his wife in order for it to be truly effective. Secondly, this is also a chance to learn from our Father. Consider the situation as if you were the Father and your son was a younger you. Have there been times when you have taken Him for granted? Have you assumed His mercy and grace were always available for you whilst you weren't respecting Him as you should? If you have been guilty of such things in the past, let this current situation refine your sonship towards Yahweh and rejoice at his tenderness and love for you. But suppose you are not guilty of such things - let this current situation be a chance for you to demonstrate the Father's love through you. So, don't bombard your daughter-in-law with worship music, don't witness to her if she has mocked. Don't even pressure her to come to church again. Rather, let your love, forgiveness and gentleness shine forth in a way that will shock her. In a way that makes her think "what makes him so happy and calm? I want what he has. Maybe there is something behind all this God stuff". Let the Messiah's ways and love be shown through you - but don't try to "pull" her along, if that makes sense. Thirdly, continue to pray about the situation. Pray for wisdom to handle the situation and pray your son finds the path back to discipleship. With these two foundations in place, there is much hope for his wife. Finally, please forgive me brother if I have spoken out of place or am advising you of things you have tried many times before. Love & Shalom 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.thumb.jpeg.25fe38d49aaa29ec052db8399b51a03b.jpeg)
Recommended Posts