Marriage Broken

[Tzephanyahu]

12 hours ago, BGuy said:

My guy says no this is wrong , should I confront him too?

Shalom BGuy,

You've had some good advice here which I echo. Communication is the key.  However, I realise this may be a little stilted and short if the both of you have gone through so much and are currently at this junction.  

Predatory men in such scenarios will appear easy-going, light-hearted fun and caring towards a wife in troubled marriages.  They're very careful and conscious of all their actions to give an appearance of "only being friends". They hope the husband gets mad and jealous so that the wife starts to distance herself from her husbands attitude, accusations and prying eyes.  These men can then swoop in as the shoulder to cry on and listening ear so that the division increases.  This is not all men and it's not necessarily this guy you are talking about (I don't know him!) but that is a common attack.

However, I can't see much benefit arising from confronting this guy if I'm honest. If he isn't a believer, then it's reasonable to question his motives within yourself, but confrontation will likely avail little.  In fact, there is a high chance it could do more damage.  He can just plead innocent and make out you are overreacting and he could paint you poorly when telling your wife later.  Instead it would be better to speak to your wife directly.  

I think we can all safely say that, in general, women need not only physical but emotional and verbal reassurance of love and support regularly - mainly because men are so poor at showing it!  That is not a criticism of either sex, but a general psychological observation on what leads to some marriage breakdowns.  It sounds like you guys have perhaps been caught up in routines and schedules and "parent roles" and the relationship has suffered.  If this other guy is serving as the listening, sympathetic ear for her via snapchat (or whatever), she could very easily be deluded in her thinking that she can only speak to him openly, rather than you.  

So, rather than confront or criticise him (which could only lift him and lower you in her mind) you should try any make his "offering" to her less appealing.  What I mean is that if she feels that she can speak with you on any subject, and that you are approachable, easy, empathetic, loving and interested - this other guy will quickly lose his appeal to her, honestly.  Because no one in a marriage feels guilt-free speaking with another person in secret. They just subconsciously justify it in their mind.

I can't offer any practical advice besides that I'm afraid because every relationship is different and there is so much to each relationship.  However, maybe arranging plenty of "couple time" (evenings, weekends, holidays) to get back to a tight bond. She'll quickly get bored of this other guy if she feels fully connected with you again, and eventually he'll get bored also.

I hope that helps in some way brother. Take care and stay cool.

Love & Shalom

[missmuffet]

14 hours ago, BGuy said:

might be cheating

 

My wife and I have been through some bad things, on all fronts. Both of us. Over the last year our communication has broken down. Out marriage and relationship has vanished. I am just a function . We have kids and we do great with them . She is nursing school and my work schedule is crazy but it has been as if we are living aerate lives. Recently someone who was a “friend” has reached out to my wife to see if we want to hang out ? This is a shady individual and has cheated on his wife and family very openly . My wife knows that and has never trusted him. But yet this guy keeps communication with her while avoiding me ? I know my wife had a part in it and I have said something several times. But I believe and know they still “talk “ on Snapchat . My guy says no this is wrong , should I confront him too?

You still love your wife? You need to first give this to God. Ask Him to guide and direct you in your marriage. You also need to sit down with your wife and have a talk and tell her of your concerns. 

[SisterActs2]

Hi BGuy, and welcome to Worthy.

Communication is the key.  The others have given you sound advice.  My husband and I talk a lot.  After our relationship with Jesus, and if we are married, our spouse is the next most important and we should do everything we can to maintain a right relationship with them.  Praying for you both BGuy.

[Xethea]

my best friend i knew for 12 years at that time, never had problems, he claimed to be saved since he was 8. when he became 21 and we were room mates, one day he walked in the house with my girlfriend and had intercourse. in the next room while i was there. And she told me all the time she wanted to marry me, heh. Well, that is much different than being married, but it goes to show, even someone who was a great best buddy you never had problems with in over a decade, some dudes with not give a crap about you anymore and do the ungodly thing to be with your spouse or lover.  More people throw away friends for love and sex more often than throwing away lovers for friends.

 

Now, marriage counseling is an option, but it would not work for my wife and I, what helped us was being honest and open, hiding no secrets. I want her love and she wants mine, so we understood that we always need to talk. Most marriage counselors would likely say the same from ones i have met.

 

First, talk about it, confront them calmly and wisely. Obviously to some extent, this is basically worrying you cannot trust your spouse. Worrying about cheating always shows you dont trust your partner. I would let my wife know when that happens and warn her she needs to build more trust with me before it gets too hard to ever trust her with certain things. At least let it be known you are just wanting to trust her, but you're being cautious in your situation for how things have been going. 

 

I'm a bit strict, and straightforward, so i would tell her i want to listen to them talk or read what they talk about when they do when the other guy doesnt know i am around. But in reality, i dont read what my wife says to people, i dont need to hear her talking to guys, because i trust her. I know some men NEVER will let their wives talk to any of the opposite gender (yet them letting them with lesbians is still bad to me. You cant really avoid sexual issues just because you stay away from opposite gender, to me, that just encourages young people to want to be homosexuals or transgenders if you force them to only be with the same gender all the time). They dont trust other people or their wife, they wont take any risks. That's sad to me but understandable. 

 

But mainly, i would suggest if your hours EVER make it where you are losing TOO MUCH time with your spouse and/or kids, then stop working so many hours, or sacrifice sleep, or sacrifice even a meal, or at least get a new job soon as you can because your family is your top priority after God. I spend every hour i am not at work with my wife or with the kids, or at least in the same room. If i play games, she plays with me, if she is having trouble with the baby, i help out, if i am hungry she will eat with me or next to me, if i watch a video she will watch it with me, if i go somewhere, she will usually go with me more than half the time, etc. If i am on the phone, then i let her know who i am going to call, if i saw my ex gf or something in public, i will tell my wife i saw her and what we said, etc. So because we do pretty much everything together and tell each other almost everything, maybe that is why we never have these cheating feelings  just because we talk to opposite genders. I let my wife read when she wants, but i am curious if she ever does it because she thinks i am cheating. If she is, i will gladly prove to her i am not. 

 

There will always be issues in marriage because neither is perfect. So things always should be handled and discussed how to handle them or trying to make progress for a better marriage, rather than ignoring it or accepting the problems and letting them turn out to be destruction later.

 

Pray, confront, talk, be honest and straightforward but not a meanie about it, stand on God's word and his understanding, not yours, don't assume and jump to conclusions until there is proof, at least hold back the anxiety and freaking out until you actually see them cheating if they are. That is my advice to you. Because of us doing this, i have never seen anyone on this earth have a better marriage than i do with my wife. Honestly.

 

 

 

 

[francesco]

This seems like an issue that potentially can become quite serious.  Ignoring it is not recommended.  I would begin by attempting to establish the lines of communication between you both.  Make your love of her and value of the relationship known, and work from there.  If things don't flow from that point, an experienced marriage counselor might be contacted.  Pray for guidance, perseverance, and peace of heart throughout.  Don't despair.  Others have come through worse.