Marriage- For Better or Worse

[flemistk83]

Hello,

I am new to this forum and would like to seek advice. I'll try to keep it short. I have been married for 12 years, together for 14. I became a Christian after marriage and my husband is not. I wish I had paid attention to all of the red flags while we dated and read the bible before to save me from all the heart ache. 

Our first year we were military, stationed in Japan. It was just us. We had friends, but there were boundaries. After we moved back to the states, he dumped me for his friends and family. We lived together, but he spent most of his time with them.  The last 12 years have been awful. He's a pathological liar. He's constantly talking to females with questionable activity. Although I have my suspicions and some clues, I cannot say 100% without a doubt he's cheating. He's refuses to get a full-time job. Currently, he's a cashier. I've applied for jobs for him with his consent, but he says no one call him back, but I went through his email I found out people have contacted him to set up interviews. I pay for everything minus whatever he can give me on the mortgage. It helps. He's an awful father and very demanding of the kids, nothing is ever good enough. He does not spend anything with them. He put the tv on or they are with my mother in her room while he watches tv. I found out another female was on his bank account, but he lied about that. He's constantly complaining about the house. I'll clean up and then he'll find something else to complain out. I would like to do counseling, but he refuses. My mother lives with us and pays me $400. I use that money for expenses. I cannot afford to divorce as I do not have a support network. We're barely making it now and with a divorce we will have 2 households and he will not be able to pay child support. Some women can move back home or with friends. I have no one. In a couple years, I may be able make enough to support myself and my kids and afford daycare for my youngest in the event of divorce. As for me, I'm not perfect. I spend most of my time working or with my kids. I talk down to him. I don't treat him like a spouse should. I'm burnt out. As a Christian, I know that infidelity can be grounds for divorce, but also know that God hates divorce. We took vows for better or worse, and this is definitely worse. What should I do? Should I stay and try to work it out, although it would be me trying. What do seasoned Christians do when they find themselves at odds with their non christian spouse? Unfortunately, my spouse is a stubborn man and is following in the footsteps of his mother. 

Thanks in advance for any replies.

Keshia 

[Omegaman 3.0]

Hi, this part of the forum is for introducing yourself, and being welcomed by other, so Welcome!

I am moving this to a more appropriate location.

[BeauJangles]

Hi Keshia, 

Welcome to Worthy. Reading your post was really heart breaking. Certainly there is support here, but I feel it would be helpful to include some local church involvement. Do seek some in depth counseling and prayer. Not to be a 'nay-sayer' and jump right into this, but legal advice may also in order. Of course, the greatest hope would be for salvation, and reconciliation of your marriage. But most of all, the Lord lead and guide through your upcoming time of trials. You're in my prayers as well, dear sister. 

Shalom, 

David/BeauJangles 

Edited March 12, 2019 by BeauJangles

[Tzephanyahu]

6 hours ago, flemistk83 said:

What should I do? Should I stay and try to work it out, although it would be me trying. What do seasoned Christians do when they find themselves at odds with their non christian spouse?

Shalom Keisha,

I'm sorry to hear you are in this tough scenario.  Thank you for sharing and I hope we all offer you some reasonable advice and love.

Concerning this matter, Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:10-15

"Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.

But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.  For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.  But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace."

And in 1 Corinthians 7:19-24

Let each one remain in the same calling in which he was called.  Were you called while a slave? Do not be concerned about it; but if you can be made free, rather use it.  For he who is called in the Lord while a slave is the Lord’s freedman. Likewise he who is called while free is Christ’s slave.  You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men. Brethren, let each one remain with God in that state in which he was called.

So stay true to the situation you were in at the time you were called, as much as you can.  It's likely to be for a significant reason.

As for his behaviour towards you, I cannot comment on this. As to your behaviour to him I can advise that it would be wise to act in respect towards him, in all things. Again, to show him respect as well as love. In general, showing love is taken for granted from a lot of women in marriage, but not necessarily respect, and vice versa for men (again, in general).  With this in mind - remember to read Ephesians 5:22-33 thoroughly. 

If you do this thing, showing and speaking to your husband with respect,  I believe the Father will move the heart of your husband.  Even psychologically this will have an affect on him.

Just focus on you and what you can do. If he acts poorly and unreasonable, fine, respond back with the correct attitude and actions.  I believe the Father will bless you for this and your marriage.

Love & Shalom

Edited March 12, 2019 by Tzephanyahu

[enoob57]

Our natural tendency is to take for granted that which is common to our everyday lives... everything you see now is leading you to a conclusion yet if you place your husband in a fire and see him begging for it to stop yet hopelessly knowing it will never... maybe you'll have a different motivation for loving him as Christ has loved all of us.

1 Cor 7:13-17

13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

17 But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches.
KJV
 

[Justin Adams]

I have failed most miserably in my marriage(s).

I believe I know what you might do, but it is an act of faith to do it and your soul must be 100% behind this decision. 

Since you sanctify this situation, removing that sanctification will have far reaching impact on all your family.

The Lord WILL work thru you if you are 100% committed to letting Him do so.

Having said that, I know it is hard for you to do but He will give you ideas on how to do it. I know of other situations similar to yours that DID work out well. You are the pivot-pin in all this. You and your attitude and actions can win the day for your whole family. 

Do NOT 'see' the bad stuff and then let your mind run riot with this. Just look ONLY at the Lord and what He faced for all of us. You have it within your power (suitably enabled by Holy Spirit) to fix this whole complex situation. The Lord is well able to hold the planets and cosmos together - He is well able to give you guidance in your situation. And now the sticky bit: First, FORGIVE. Second, REPENT. Third, place it ALL on God's altar and proclaim your right to approach the Throne of Grace with Yeshua as you advocate. Give the Lord the RIGHT to act on your behalf making sure the devil has nothing against you. The Blood on the Mercy Seat allows you to approach the Throne Boldly. Just do it.

Edited March 12, 2019 by Justin Adams

[missmuffet]

11 hours ago, flemistk83 said:

Hello,

I am new to this forum and would like to seek advice. I'll try to keep it short. I have been married for 12 years, together for 14. I became a Christian after marriage and my husband is not. I wish I had paid attention to all of the red flags while we dated and read the bible before to save me from all the heart ache. 

Our first year we were military, stationed in Japan. It was just us. We had friends, but there were boundaries. After we moved back to the states, he dumped me for his friends and family. We lived together, but he spent most of his time with them.  The last 12 years have been awful. He's a pathological liar. He's constantly talking to females with questionable activity. Although I have my suspicions and some clues, I cannot say 100% without a doubt he's cheating. He's refuses to get a full-time job. Currently, he's a cashier. I've applied for jobs for him with his consent, but he says no one call him back, but I went through his email I found out people have contacted him to set up interviews. I pay for everything minus whatever he can give me on the mortgage. It helps. He's an awful father and very demanding of the kids, nothing is ever good enough. He does not spend anything with them. He put the tv on or they are with my mother in her room while he watches tv. I found out another female was on his bank account, but he lied about that. He's constantly complaining about the house. I'll clean up and then he'll find something else to complain out. I would like to do counseling, but he refuses. My mother lives with us and pays me $400. I use that money for expenses. I cannot afford to divorce as I do not have a support network. We're barely making it now and with a divorce we will have 2 households and he will not be able to pay child support. Some women can move back home or with friends. I have no one. In a couple years, I may be able make enough to support myself and my kids and afford daycare for my youngest in the event of divorce. As for me, I'm not perfect. I spend most of my time working or with my kids. I talk down to him. I don't treat him like a spouse should. I'm burnt out. As a Christian, I know that infidelity can be grounds for divorce, but also know that God hates divorce. We took vows for better or worse, and this is definitely worse. What should I do? Should I stay and try to work it out, although it would be me trying. What do seasoned Christians do when they find themselves at odds with their non christian spouse? Unfortunately, my spouse is a stubborn man and is following in the footsteps of his mother. 

Thanks in advance for any replies.

Keshia 

It sounds like the man is abusive. You can either stay and do more damage to yourself and your children or you can get a legal separation. Give your marriage to God. He will guide and direct you. God wants you and your children to live in peace. If the legal separation does not make things better then seek a divorce. There are ways to seek financial help in seeking legal counsel. You attend a Church? Speak with your Pastor.