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scott864

Need help in dealing with adult kids and their spouses/SOs leaving me out

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When we feel that control of something has been taken away from us that scares us a bit because what happens depends on what someone else does.

That's what is happening to you right now. It appears that someone is taking over control of your relationship with your children.

When we feel that things are out of our control and someone is pulling the strings in a way we don't like, that makes us anxious and often times fearful of how bad it might get. When that happens we're not to far from getting angry and blaming people for.....whatever.

When we are "blaming people or making excuses" we are really expressing our feelings about how we weren't in control and someone else caused this problem. Anger is not far behind and we need spiritual reinforcement.

In situations like you are in now, I often have to remind myself that ....

I'm not in control of anything!!!!........

except.........

How I choose to react!

God or the world (satan) are in control not us....(and ultimately it is God).

The ONLY choice I have is to react in a selfish worldly way ...or...

....the way God wants me to.

 Paul describes how we get caught in this battle in Romans

Rom 7:21  So I find this to be a principle: when I want to do what is good, evil is right there with me. 
Rom 7:22  For I delight in the Law of God in my inner being, 
Rom 7:23  but I see in my body a different principle waging war with the Law in my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin that exists in my body. 
Rom 7:24  What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is infected by death? 
Rom 7:25  Thank God through Jesus the Messiah, our Lord, because with my mind I myself can serve the Law of God, even while with my human nature I serve the law of sin. 

We have to choose despite how rejected we feel, a way to show love in the situations where we feel someone has taken over on us.

I know I find that difficult to do without turning to Jesus to see how He would want me to react.

Stick with the love, love for the sake of love, not to get anything in return, and it will come back to you.

All the best to you. Through our Lord and His Holy Spirit.

 

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3 minutes ago, scott864 said:

I really hate that saying and I don't agree with it all. Again, that saying plays into the double standards. Yes, I do believe both adult men and women should establish their own households, but I don't think the wife's side should have be favored more over the husband's side of the family. That is just unfair and cruel that women's families get precedence over the husband's sides of the family. People like you who push that stupid and ridiculous are one of the many things that is wrong with society. 

I think she was just quoting an old adage that has come out of observing over many generations how families grow and chaange in different seasons

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4 hours ago, scott864 said:

I'm really hurting these days and I don't know what to do

Just give it time. A new family, new faces and new activities will draw your son to his wife's parents, which is normal. And good for 'HIS' marriage. He has a new family to start, support and raise, and with what you have taught him, Pop,  will do the best he knows how. The day will come, if you don't over react, that your son and his wife will see you for what you are, a loving father, still there with love, ready to be there for them. The influence of money will lose it's importance over time, and your faithful love, being there for them, will win out.
Give it to the Lord.
Pray for them.
Pray for the in laws.
Thank God for your son's new wife.
Thank God for your future grand child.
Thank God for all your children.
Pray for your other two still home.
Trust God..........

 

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8 minutes ago, Sower said:

Just give it time. A new family, new faces and new activities will draw your son to his wife's parents, which is normal. And good for 'HIS' marriage. He has a new family to start, support and raise, and with what you have taught him, Pop,  will do the best he knows how. The day will come, if you don't over react, that your son and his wife will see you for what you are, a loving father, still there with love, ready to be there for them. The influence of money will lose it's importance over time, and your faithful love, being there for them, will win out.
Give it to the Lord.
Pray for them.
Pray for the in laws.
Thank God for your son's new wife.
Thank God for your future grand child.
Thank God for all your children.
Pray for your other two still home.
Trust God..........

 

Sower....you have just exemplified why Worthy is important

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Posted (edited)
26 minutes ago, Sower said:

Just give it time. A new family, new faces and new activities will draw your son to his wife's parents, which is normal. And good for 'HIS' marriage. He has a new family to start, support and raise, and with what you have taught him, Pop,  will do the best he knows how. The day will come, if you don't over react, that your son and his wife will see you for what you are, a loving father, still there with love, ready to be there for them. The influence of money will lose it's importance over time, and your faithful love, being there for them, will win out.
Give it to the Lord.
Pray for them.
Pray for the in laws.
Thank God for your son's new wife.
Thank God for your future grand child.
Thank God for all your children.
Pray for your other two still home.
Trust God..........

 

The influence of money won't lose it's importance over time. His in-laws are already planning college funds for the kids. They are winning there and I don't have any means to help my son's family or his kids. Sadly, money has power in this world. I won't be able to make an impact on his life.

Edited by scott864

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28 minutes ago, Sower said:

Just give it time. A new family, new faces and new activities will draw your son to his wife's parents, which is normal. And good for 'HIS' marriage. He has a new family to start, support and raise, and with what you have taught him, Pop,  will do the best he knows how. The day will come, if you don't over react, that your son and his wife will see you for what you are, a loving father, still there with love, ready to be there for them. The influence of money will lose it's importance over time, and your faithful love, being there for them, will win out.
Give it to the Lord.
Pray for them.
Pray for the in laws.
Thank God for your son's new wife.
Thank God for your future grand child.
Thank God for all your children.
Pray for your other two still home.
Trust God..........

 

My second child isn't at home with me.

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56 minutes ago, scott864 said:

The influence of money won't lose it's importance over time. His in-laws are already planning college funds for the kids. They are winning there and I don't have any means to help my son's family or his kids. Sadly, money has power in this world. I won't be able to make an impact on his life.

Money is important. But it's ability to influence, is limited.  Love, a parent's love, is always the bedrock of the family.
Look at the problems of the rich and famous, the nightmares the parents have with their spoiled brats. 
Could there be another family problem you are not addressing, or did you have a positive/Godly relationship with your married son?
You have a choice to allow or not, your feelings to change, or not, towards your married son, because of
his financial blessings.
Why not rejoice with him, and thank God for His blessing you son.
Is his wife, and/or her parents believers in the Lord Jesus?
Are you, scott?

Perhaps it may be wise to enjoy your new son's family as it grows, however THEY allow you to.
I know as a parent myself, it is a reality I had to face when my children left home
and started their new life with their new family. (Including his/her new in laws)
Try not to show your negative feelings, as this will push them away.
Be happy for them.
This can/will draw them to you.
Eventually.
Wait upon the Lord.....


 

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Hi,

Your problem is so very familiar including the particular disease that your wife suffered that at first I thought that I know who you are.

 A friend and saint in Jesus has the very same issue, only he and his son  are older then you and yours. His in laws deliberately berate him via facebook and by not extending invitations to events of family. Even making demand of my friend's son that he obey them  in order to keep his daughter  in line and have access to their wealthy lifestyle. 

For your consideration I offer that the situation does not necessarily get better with time, and certainly not by suffering in silence. It is not natural, not okay, it is of evil, not something to be accepted. It is something to acknowledge and to declare, declare how much it has hurt, declare that  you offered life to your children in most difficult circumstance, that you offered lifetime support to the mother of them, your own bride.

That they now seem to want to exclude you and to dismiss their own background and upbringing is a sin and shame of theirs, one they need to repent of, it is not one you need to suffer in silence. They may never change in your lifetime. They may also come to a time of life when the same thing will be about to happen to them with their own children. Perhaps then they will work to turn about their own children from being like they themselves are today.

As you tell them what is wrong with what they are doing, tell them also what will be more pleasing to you, and respectful of your life's work for their well being under most difficult personal circumstance, and share of what will correct this awful deficiency  of good character that is within them. Expect discord, provide a manner of reconciliation to occur if they will participart with you.

Talk it out, practice it first, seek within your own thinking what will go wrong -for it likely may. And see if it is any worse than what you suffer today. If not why not go for it for their future sake if not your present sake.

My God bless you and yours amen.

 

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Posted (edited)

When we r old age we Will b forgotten.

Edited by R. Hartono

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13 hours ago, R. Hartono said:

When we r old age we Will b forgotten.

No. I don't agree with that. I never forgot my parents and I still help them out as they are both in their 80s.

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