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Are we married in God's eyes?


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Just a little background, no judgement please as I am working on correcting things, just want to make sure I'm doing what is God's will.

When my mom got sick (2009) and passed back in 2010, I lost all faith in the Lord and had a falling away for about 8+ years. Yes, I was mad at God, mostly about how she had to suffer (Pancreatic cancer).  That's a story for another time though. 

During that time(2009) I met a great guy, down to earth, a great mentor , best friend and good advice giver. We get along great, we are a family.  We dated about 4-5 years before we actually moved in together. We are engaged, but have never had a "legal" wedding.  Laws of our state consider us common-law married, he considers us married, however, I do not, nor do I know if I want to be married to him for several reasons (he's not abusive or anything like that, he truly is a good guy).

We have talked about religion in the past and he's always told me he's a believer, but "has lots of questions".  He grew up Catholic but doesn't seem very knowledgeable with regards to the Bible.  This past weekend we were talking about things again and he brought up how he believed in evolution, which was a huge disappointment, in the 10 years we've been together he has never mentioned this. So, I believe this was God's answer for me. He does, however, support my walk with Christ, but it is MY walk not OURS. I know not to be unequally yoked, just want to make sure it's not too late...

So, with all of that in mind, does the Lord consider us married?  I am pretty conflicted as to whether the Lord wants me to try and stick this out, I think I can "make" him legally marry me, but that isn't always the right way to do things either. We have no children together (mine are fully grown) and no financial ties, so there will be no adverse effects there. It would be a very easy split on those levels and I believe we would still remain good friends.

I am in the process of putting a 2nd home out at my dad's farm and plan to move out within the next year (hopefully sooner). He knows this and thinks I will live at both homes, but the writing on the wall is telling me differently.  With my change/renewed faith is it fair to him that I just up and leave a good working relationship as we know how hard these are to find. 

Would appreciate some input from pastors on how they'd council members of their congregation on this?

 

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talk, talk, talk...….     discuss it with him and let him know exactly how you feel....    marriages will not last unless both sides do this.   You can't carry on a relationship that bothers your spirit the way this seems to be doing....  I can't even tell you what I would do because I've been legally and spiritually married to the same lovely lady for 49 years...   

but I know if we had not talked to each other about good things and bad we would not have made it to today as a single unit.

Question him about his faith....    most Catholics don't know a lot about the Bible from what I understand for the church didn't really foster that back in the 70's and 80's when I was working around them....   they get their knowledge (or did)   from the priests who told them what the Bible says....    well sort of anyway.

My question to you is this.....    Jesus says that he must love you as he did the church....   so basically he should be willing to let a group of people beat him half to death then hand him on a tree to die if it was in your best interest....     and if he is willing to love you to that level you would follow him right over the edge of a cliff so to speak.

That's what being married is like in the extreme.    

Your situation in living with him is kind of tricky biblically.    I don't see how you can be married spiritually if you have not pledged yourselves to each other....   and you really don't need a ceremony to do that.

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4 hours ago, Lilfox said:

Would appreciate some input from pastors on how they'd counsil their congregation on this?

I'm not sure WCF has many officially ordained ministers with an established membership, but we do have a rabbi who posts here from time to time. Though your relationship has endured some years, my personal view is that you're unequally yoked. 

He is Catholic, though not a regular at going to mass, and you are Protestant, correct? I have no clue as to how the RCC would view your living situation, but could the reason for not attending church be the anticipation you'd be advised to become legally married?

The two of you are common law, so I guess that does have carry some kind of clout. Have you sincerely sought the Lord about this, as it seems to concern you greatly. Sorry for asking questions, but there are key elements involved. God bless you in seeking His will for your life. 

Shalom, 

David/BeauJangles  

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Thank you to both of you for your advice on this.  You both pretty much summarized what is going through my head, but I do need to talk with him more about both of our faiths. In the past, I have been met with some resistance on it and he will often just shut down on me, much like an unbeliever would.  I do believe it is more from a lack of understanding and if I were to be honest, a lack of interest on his part.  I will pray about it some more before talking to him again.  My conflict is whether the Lord considers us already married or not, because if not, I do believe the end result of the 2nd home will be me moving out permanently.  I do agree that we haven't given ourselves to each other spiritually, so I am thinking no, we aren't married in God's eyes, however, I will also pray about it more too. If it sounds like I'm uncertain about this relationship, it's because I am, I am looking at it with open eyes and also know that our feelings can play tricks on us.  I trust in the Lord to do what is best for both of us but sometimes have trouble differentiating what are my feelings and his will.

I am Protestant, I haven't attended church since my mom got sick but have started researching some area churches, I'm just not to a point where I want to attend.  I attended a church for many years and was very active in that church, teaching kid's programs and other volunteer activities.  During the time my faith was very weak, I called my pastor up, who lived about 4 houses away and asked him if he'd come pray with my family and I about my mom, who was just days from dying.  He told me that he had no experience with people dying of cancer and would have somebody else call me to pray with me.  That never happened. Keep in mind this was a seasoned pastor with many years under his belt. That was the straw that broke the camel's back in my faith, the last little shard I had was gone.  That pastor lived nearby and didn't check on us once after that phone call.  I've ran into him once in a while and have often thought about bringing it up, but never have. I'm not angry with him, just disappointed.

Before that, I attended another church where an assistant pastor had invited a convicted criminal/stalker to attend. Well, that man took an interest in me, the AP saw this but never said anything to me to warn me. On several occasions I was followed home with my 2 small children, called, emailed, whatever this guy could do to get my attention(he got my info from the church directory). I called the main pastor to let him know what was happening, the AP called me and told me the guy was harmless even though he had served jail time for stalking his ex wife.  They did eventually remove him from the church but that was a few months after I stopped attending. So, I haven't had the best experiences with churches, but I do understand that in the end, we are all just people and make mistakes. I just feel both of these situations could've been handled better. I do fellowship with some ladies online and also have a couple favorite pastors that I listen to online through Calvary Chapel.

I'm pretty positive any church I'd attend would recommend an official marriage and that would not stop me from attending. :)

 

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@Lilfox My heart goes out to you, sister. I'm so sorry about your mother passing, without having a faithful pastor to come minister in her final days. Shame on that so-called man of the cloth! At least I do hope you have some of that blessed assurance for her, and anticipate rejoining your mom in Heaven. 

Reading over your post gives me hope that you do have the utmost sincerity of living a life pleasing to the Lord. I understand how difficult it is making whatever decisions necessary. This is a real life-changer, and no easy thing for you to go through. I pray for God's grace upon you, as you face these up-coming trials. 

Shalom, 

David/BeauJangles

Edited by BeauJangles
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Thank you :emot-heartbeat:

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On 6/17/2019 at 8:45 AM, Lilfox said:

Just a little background, no judgement please as I am working on correcting things, just want to make sure I'm doing what is God's will.

When my mom got sick (2009) and passed back in 2010, I lost all faith in the Lord and had a falling away for about 8+ years. Yes, I was mad at God, mostly about how she had to suffer (Pancreatic cancer).  That's a story for another time though. 

During that time(2009) I met a great guy, down to earth, a great mentor , best friend and good advice giver. We get along great, we are a family.  We dated about 4-5 years before we actually moved in together. We are engaged, but have never had a "legal" wedding.  Laws of our state consider us common-law married, he considers us married, however, I do not, nor do I know if I want to be married to him for several reasons (he's not abusive or anything like that, he truly is a good guy).

We have talked about religion in the past and he's always told me he's a believer, but "has lots of questions".  He grew up Catholic but doesn't seem very knowledgeable with regards to the Bible.  This past weekend we were talking about things again and he brought up how he believed in evolution, which was a huge disappointment, in the 10 years we've been together he has never mentioned this. So, I believe this was God's answer for me. He does, however, support my walk with Christ, but it is MY walk not OURS. I know not to be unequally yoked, just want to make sure it's not too late...

So, with all of that in mind, does the Lord consider us married?  I am pretty conflicted as to whether the Lord wants me to try and stick this out, I think I can "make" him legally marry me, but that isn't always the right way to do things either. We have no children together (mine are fully grown) and no financial ties, so there will be no adverse effects there. It would be a very easy split on those levels and I believe we would still remain good friends.

I am in the process of putting a 2nd home out at my dad's farm and plan to move out within the next year (hopefully sooner). He knows this and thinks I will live at both homes, but the writing on the wall is telling me differently.  With my change/renewed faith is it fair to him that I just up and leave a good working relationship as we know how hard these are to find. 

Would appreciate some input from pastors on how they'd council members of their congregation on this?

 

You are living in sin. You are not legally married. If you and your significant other are Christians this should concern you. If you do not want to be married to the guy then why are you living with him? If you are a Christian and he is not you are unevenly yoked. Maybe the Holy Spirit is telling you that you need to change your ways. 

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In the eyes of our state we are legally married, I think we may even have to file for divorce if we permanently separate but am not sure. However, there is a grey area in the common law marriage laws that state both parties must openly state that we are each other's husband and wife to be considered common law married. He has always called me his wife, I have never called him my husband and have corrected him when he calls me his wife. However, we meet all other requirements for common law marriage.  The whole point of this question was to find some guidance as to what the Lord says, is state bound common law marriage binding in God's eyes?  If so, the Lord tells me to stick with it whether we are unequally yoked or not. 

 I'm with you, I believe an official wedding is important or in the very least a spiritual commitment, in all honesty, he has waited too long to do this and that is just one of a handful of reasons I want to be out, I shouldn't have to "force" somebody to marry me. Since in his eyes, he thinks we are already married, we don't need an official wedding. I've disagreed with him on this several times.

I'm not trying to find loopholes to stay or go, I want to do what is right here.

If not, the steps I'm taking to move out are correct. I'm not afraid of this and it feels right, but as you know we can't always trust our feelings.

Edited by Lilfox
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1 hour ago, Lilfox said:

In the eyes of our state we are legally married, I think we may even have to file for divorce if we permanently separate but am not sure. However, there is a grey area in the common law marriage laws that state both parties must openly state that we are each other's husband and wife to be considered common law married. He has always called me his wife, I have never called him my husband and have corrected him when he calls me his wife. However, we meet all other requirements for common law marriage.  The whole point of this question was to find some guidance as to what the Lord says, is state bound common law marriage binding in God's eyes?  If so, the Lord tells me to stick with it whether we are unequally yoked or not. 

 I'm with you, I believe an official wedding is important or in the very least a spiritual commitment, in all honesty, he has waited too long to do this and that is just one of a handful of reasons I want to be out, I shouldn't have to "force" somebody to marry me. Since in his eyes, he thinks we are already married, we don't need an official wedding. I've disagreed with him on this several times.

I'm not trying to find loopholes to stay or go, I want to do what is right here.

If not, the steps I'm taking to move out are correct. I'm not afraid of this and it feels right, but as you know we can't always trust our feelings.

But are you married in the eyes of God? That is what really matters. You and your partner need to pray to God for salvation. 

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That's very true. Thank you.

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