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Seeking guidance on being a friend despite romantic feelings


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My friends, I need your help. I'll do my best not to make this too long, although it is a bit of a story.

Back in October, I saw a need in my church choir and reached out to a guy that was relatively new and was essentially getting shunned by most of the other men because he has tattoos and his ears are pierced. I actually feel really bad because I waited for a few months after I felt the initial tug and I wonder if I would be struggling so much if I hadn't. Anyway...we clicked almost immediately and soon we were talking practically every day. We are very similar and deal with a lot of the same struggles, such as depression. We've opened up to one another on a level that I've only ever replicated with my two best friends of 13+ years and we can talk for hours without it feeling like any time has passed. He has quickly become a close friend, one that I greatly cherish. 

My issue is this: I have developed romantic feelings for him, feelings that I'm pretty sure he doesn't return. He is in a relationship at this point and it's a relationship he said he has prayed for, despite that this girl has caused him a lot of heartache. It's hard for me to watch since I don't feel she is good for him and obviously I feel that I am. It's also hard because he is one that will ghost out on the people around him when he gets wrapped up in his own affairs. He doesn't mean to, he just has had really bad examples of friendship and I'm the first one that actually fights to keep him grounded. 

So how do I maintain this friendship in a Godly way without letting my own bias get in the way and how do I move on from my feelings? If you need me to answer any further questions that might help give better advice, please feel free to ask. I have probably forgotten something in my attempt to keep this short.

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9 hours ago, shadowkat said:

My friends, I need your help. I'll do my best not to make this too long, although it is a bit of a story.

Amen. Thanks for reaching out. Your story was concise and explanatory in brief enough post. 

9 hours ago, shadowkat said:

So how do I maintain this friendship in a Godly way without letting my own bias get in the way and how do I move on from my feelings? If you need me to answer any further questions that might help give better advice, please feel free to ask. I have probably forgotten something in my attempt to keep this short. 

I think you've let your emotions and personal desires cross the boundary lines, and it would appear going back will prove to be most difficult. This gentleman friend of yours may be playing you and his girl friend's affections on both ends. You're the 'buddy', and she's the 'lover'. I'd seriously consider cutting ties completely, and taking steps back to a safe distance. I truly believe this would be in your best interest in the long run.  

You can stay on good terms of course, since the two of you attend the same church. But remaining in the same manner that it has will only hurt you more. Does your friend's girl friend also go there as well? It seems like this was a missing piece in your post. Anyway, God bless you, dear. I'm praying for the Lord's help in guiding you in this matter. Keep in touch. 

Shalom, 

David/BeauJangles

Edited by BeauJangles
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My opinion is ....If he has a girlfriend u should respect that relationship and distance yourself some especially as u have feelings for him. Do unto others as u would have them do unto u.  It may not be easy to gracefully do that...I would pray about this too. Praying for u. 

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2 hours ago, Tampered With said:

As people we often rush in where angels fear to tread is a true statement. You should first be a true friend in every aspect. If this is something God will bless then you need to stepback and take it to God in prayer and ask the Holy Spirit to help you. Our emotions can cloud not only our vision but our judgement and the Holy Spirit can help give you clarity as well as him. You need to keep this in prayer constantly before the Lord.

I had a relationship in my younger days with a young lady over several years. My emotions blinded me to who she really was. I showered her with my time. attention, and gifts which she took without any hesitation. She hid her true feelings from me. It was not until her older sister called me because she became so angry over how her sister was treating me behind my back that my eyes were opened. Come to find out everyone else around me knew but me. It caused a lot of pain and mistrust on my side. She was busted by her father (a deputy sheriff) and a lot of her lies were found out for which she was grounded for  a very long time. I tell you this because if you break relationships up it has far more ranging effects than you may comprehend at the moment and end up in a lose -lose trap of the enemy so be very careful. Put others interests first and it will work out better for you in the long run.

Thank you for this. I am not trying to break them up by any means. I want to support him because I truly want him to be happy, even if it isn't with me. I am thankful he is not a user; he's been there for me as much as I've been there for him. I am doing my best to find the balance of maintaining the friendship while giving them the space they need.

 

1 hour ago, BeauJangles said:

Amen. Thanks for reaching out. Your story was concise and explanatory in brief enough post. 

I think you've let your emotions and personal desires cross the boundary lines, and it would appear going back will prove to be most difficult. This gentleman friend of yours may be playing you and his girl friend's affections on both ends. You're the 'buddy', and she's the 'lover'. I'd seriously consider cutting ties completely, and taking steps back to a safe distance. I truly believe this would be in your best interest in the long run.  

You can stay on good terms of course, since the two of you attend the same church. But remaining in the same manner that it has will only hurt you more. Does your friend's girl friend also go there as well? It seems like this was a missing piece in your post. Anyway, God bless you, dear. I'm praying for the Lord's help in guiding you in this matter. Keep in touch. 

Shalom, 

David/BeauJangles

With all due respect, first and foremost, I must stop and say that my friend is not the type of person to toy with emotions. He's been on the receiving end of that and doesn't want to make anyone feel that way. I understand your concerns as it is a way that many tend to act but he hasn't treated me unfairly. He has treated me as one inexperienced with friendships in general but he is the same way with his other friends and he has become a better friend over time. Please understand that I do not believe under any circumstances that he is toying with my emotions and you will not convince me otherwise. I honestly don't believe he has any idea of my feelings for him. If I'm proven wrong down the line, so be it. But I believe in seeing him how God sees him and treating him as such, as I do with all my close friends and we all had to start somewhere. I have read many articles on the Biblical stance of true friendship and I won't negotiate on what I believe was a calling.  

Now I probably DO need to take steps back in order to give them space because I have let my desires take over and I want to let them die away so that I can be the friend I truly need to be for him. But I do not walk away from people that I know have a good heart. I've had more experience in this area than I care to admit and I've seen his. I have spent many nights praying and I feel led to be in his life in this capacity.  He has also expressed that he would like his girlfriend and I to be friends eventually because she may relate to me more than his other friends. I have told him that I'm going to remain at a distance to her until she figures out if she's going to be a steady presence in his life or not. This is the issue she keeps going back and forth on. If she decides to remain in his life, then I will happily accept her as my own friend. And yes she does go to our church but she didn't before he invited her.

1 hour ago, Amanda Frances said:

My opinion is ....If he has a girlfriend u should respect that relationship and distance yourself some especially as u have feelings for him. Do unto others as u would have them do unto u.  It may not be easy to gracefully do that...I would pray about this too. Praying for u. 

Thank you. Again I am not trying to break them up by any means. In the end I would like us to all be friends. Your prayers are appreciated.

Edited by shadowkat
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18 minutes ago, shadowkat said:

I do not believe under any circumstances that he is toying with my emotions and you will not convince me otherwise.

Alright, dear. It was only speculation on my part, because you also said this:

10 hours ago, shadowkat said:

this girl has caused him a lot of heartache. It's hard for me to watch since I don't feel she is good for him and obviously I feel that I am.

And apparently you are the friend he falls back on when this occurs. And you fell for him. 

10 hours ago, shadowkat said:

Anyway...we clicked almost immediately and soon we were talking practically every day.

I'm also assuming these conversations are on the phone, and not personal 'get togethers'. 

10 hours ago, shadowkat said:

and we can talk for hours without it feeling like any time has passed.

This is a lot of time on the phone for a guy who has a girl friend. Just saying. Okay? 

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My son, I suspect, is in your situation it seems to me. He would never admit it tho. He likes a girl at church who has a boyfriend. My advice is find someone not involved with someone else. It only leads to to someone of the three to end up very hurt. I always give my heartache and frustration to God. Over and over until it’s resolved or at least not heartache anymore. I’m older and have many years of wanting things not designed for me. I hope you do well and find what God has planned for you through prayer. Emotions can’t be trusted. They are fickle fools. 

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11 hours ago, shadowkat said:

My friends, I need your help. I'll do my best not to make this too long, although it is a bit of a story.

Back in October, I saw a need in my church choir and reached out to a guy that was relatively new and was essentially getting shunned by most of the other men because he has tattoos and his ears are pierced. I actually feel really bad because I waited for a few months after I felt the initial tug and I wonder if I would be struggling so much if I hadn't. Anyway...we clicked almost immediately and soon we were talking practically every day. We are very similar and deal with a lot of the same struggles, such as depression. We've opened up to one another on a level that I've only ever replicated with my two best friends of 13+ years and we can talk for hours without it feeling like any time has passed. He has quickly become a close friend, one that I greatly cherish. 

My issue is this: I have developed romantic feelings for him, feelings that I'm pretty sure he doesn't return. He is in a relationship at this point and it's a relationship he said he has prayed for, despite that this girl has caused him a lot of heartache. It's hard for me to watch since I don't feel she is good for him and obviously I feel that I am. It's also hard because he is one that will ghost out on the people around him when he gets wrapped up in his own affairs. He doesn't mean to, he just has had really bad examples of friendship and I'm the first one that actually fights to keep him grounded. 

So how do I maintain this friendship in a Godly way without letting my own bias get in the way and how do I move on from my feelings? If you need me to answer any further questions that might help give better advice, please feel free to ask. I have probably forgotten something in my attempt to keep this short.

I'm seeing many red flags all over the OP and in later posts.   If the two of you were married to other people, this would have many of the signs of an emotional affair that would threaten to destroy both marriages.  If you are sharing lengthy intimate talks with a man you've known less than a year at a level that only matches two best friends of over a decade, this is likely part infatuation, part romance, part neediness, part protective feelings, and many other things mixed together.  One of the best pieces of marriage advice I've heard and often pass on to people is this.  Our deepest emotional talks and connections should be reserved for our spouse or close friends of our own gender.  A few of the signs of an emotional affair are calling that other person "a very good friend" or similar term and trying to get them deeply involved in our lives and looking for excuses to spend time with them.  Obviously, the two of you are not married to anyone, but when it reaches a point where lengthy talks with someone rate as among the most intimate in our lives, we are going well beyond friendship to something else.  Especially if it develops in a few weeks or months rather than over a period of years.  Deep friendship is something that grows over time.  Romantic infatuation can sprout up quickly and be very intense.  Repeated contact with that person makes it grow.   It doesn't just disappear because we want it to.  Often the only option is to reduce or eliminate contact with the person.

The posts also seem to have a very strong sense of being on a rescue mission.  The posts seem to paint a picture of an oppressed misunderstood man with a good heart who needs someone to take care of him, rescue him, defend him, and help him change.  Instead of seeing a list of what good characteristics this man has and what is going right in his life in the posts,  there is a list of people who've hurt him, what problems he's having, and why he needs a special friend to help him overcome these things to have a happy life.  To be blunt, many people get into very bad relationships because they see someone needing help and instead of providing that help at a safe distance get dragged into that person's issues and problems themselves.

The posts also seem to have some amount of excuse making and blind defense.  Most men in the choir don't like him because of tattoos and piercings.  His girlfriend isn't good for him and the relationship problems appear to be all her fault.  His problems with friendships now are primarily due to people in the past.  He doesn't always know how to treat people right but that's okay because he's working on it.  Even though he spends hours talking to you on intimate matters, he's completely innocent about it and not being unfaithful at all to his girlfriend.  My observation in life is that there are always two sides to every story and when there are consistent patterns of problems, some of it's usually self-inflicted to some degree.   There is supporting people and then there is enabling people.  Supporting people helps them grow and mature and change.  Enabling them helps them stay more or less the same.  I can't tell which I'm seeing in the posts.   

If he hasn't, I think your friend might benefit from meeting with a Christian counselor.  It sounds like he's dealing with many things (depression, inability to treat people correctly, relationship problems, and other unspecified struggles).    I know many Christians where God used pastors and Christians counselors as a means of healing and growth for some things.

This relationship is a confusing mixture of many incompatible things.  It may have started out with God's call to do something but something seems to have gotten sidetracked.   These are just my impressions and observations from the posts.

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14 hours ago, shadowkat said:

My friends, I need your help. I'll do my best not to make this too long, although it is a bit of a story.

Back in October, I saw a need in my church choir and reached out to a guy that was relatively new and was essentially getting shunned by most of the other men because he has tattoos and his ears are pierced. I actually feel really bad because I waited for a few months after I felt the initial tug and I wonder if I would be struggling so much if I hadn't. Anyway...we clicked almost immediately and soon we were talking practically every day. We are very similar and deal with a lot of the same struggles, such as depression. We've opened up to one another on a level that I've only ever replicated with my two best friends of 13+ years and we can talk for hours without it feeling like any time has passed. He has quickly become a close friend, one that I greatly cherish. 

My issue is this: I have developed romantic feelings for him, feelings that I'm pretty sure he doesn't return. He is in a relationship at this point and it's a relationship he said he has prayed for, despite that this girl has caused him a lot of heartache. It's hard for me to watch since I don't feel she is good for him and obviously I feel that I am. It's also hard because he is one that will ghost out on the people around him when he gets wrapped up in his own affairs. He doesn't mean to, he just has had really bad examples of friendship and I'm the first one that actually fights to keep him grounded. 

So how do I maintain this friendship in a Godly way without letting my own bias get in the way and how do I move on from my feelings? If you need me to answer any further questions that might help give better advice, please feel free to ask. I have probably forgotten something in my attempt to keep this short.

So he thought you were only friends and you have developed feelings deeper than just being friends. I think you should give this whole situation to God. Sit down and have a nice long chat with Him about this situation and how you feel about it. Ask God that His will be done in this situation. You might also tell your friend that it is best that you remain friends and that the two of you keep your distance as far as getting any closer since he is in a relationship.

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Run from this. Change church, change phone number and email. You will only get hurt in the end if this carries on the way I perceive it. The heart, above all, is desperately wicked and no one except God can remedy that. You and me cannot fix that. We are adept at getting into pickles like this and the adversary loves it. We take fake Christian concepts and try to weave them into unsavory situations to give it an altruistic flavor. No. Do not do that.

People are good at converting emotions into facts. You appear to be on a slippery slope. That is the real reason you posted this here. You need to be relieved of this tension and if you do not take steps for yourself it will eventually consume you AND maybe others. You do not want that. Its tentacles are already reaching out towards you... do not let this situation get any more hooks into you.

So run from this!

Edited by Justin Adams
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On 6/18/2019 at 10:47 AM, shadowkat said:

"Seeking guidance on being a friend despite romantic feelings"

So how do I maintain this friendship in a Godly way without letting my own bias get in the way and how do I move on from my feelings? 

Ok, you did ask......

Gal to gal - women tend to want to fix things for other people, especially people they are drawn to, have feelings for, and/or like/love.  It's part of nurturing.  It's part of our emotional make-up.  But a lot of times, women [and men frankly] try to nuture/fix because it fuels their own insecurities.  ["I'm flawed, and if I take care of him/her, he/she won't notice my flaws and he'she won't leave me."]

Sometimes those people aren't ours to nurture, love, or fix. Is this your case?  I don't know.

I can only tell you what worries me.  What worries me about your post is that you appear to be convinced that you are the only one who can "reach out"and help/befriend him.  The men at your church failed.  His past friends have failed.  His current girlfriend has failed.  Even he has failed as you say he "ghosts out" but he doesn't "mean to".  You blame that on his past friends.  You don't blame him at all.  You say that you are the "first" person in his life to keep him grounded.  You put a lot of stock in  your ability and purpose to shield him from the world that fails him.

With him having a girlfriend that he has claimed himself to have prayed for, I would back out of this relationship of "hours" long conversation and whatever else it may be and let him decide if she is right for him or not all by himself.

The both of you suffer from depression.  {So do I, so I can relate] This just adds a mixture that can be clouding your objectivity.  Actually, you have spoken with no objectivity.  You post speaks with subjectivity.

Only God can guide you fully in this matter.

But with your clinging to this man you want to nurture, can you truly hear what God has to say?

Maybe he's for you.  Maybe not.  Make your prayer life like your nurturing life with this man - intense, lengthy, and with a desire for answers.

Even on the slight chance that he is for you - you both need to be, as you say, grounded all by yourself first.

Edited by Jayne
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