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How do you wake up with a smile on your face?

Put a coat hanger in your mouth before you go to bed.

 

“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”

 

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'” 

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Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.

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The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

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You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

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You can't be late until you show up.

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Whoever says that the small things don't matter should try sleeping with a mosquito in the room.

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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

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I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

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I've a book coming out shortly – knew I shouldn't have eaten it.

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