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16 hours ago, Kristin said:

I don’t know really know what’s happening with you. But myself would take my husband aside and tell him what is what. ❤️In love of course. 

I really wish I could do that. I have tried. I will admit I have not had a steady path of control over this. When it originally happened I asked if we could just talk about it. But I did get angry, when he said no. I was trying to get over it. But it just felt like we were on a roller coaster of close then distant. Then it upset me to see how much they were texting each other. I asked him again if we could talk about it, I was told no again. Just yesterday I found out he watched the friends steer for a week, while his friend went on vacation with his family. He never told me he was doing this. Then yesterday morning my husband calls me and asks me if I want port a pit chicken. It seemed weird, so I asked him why. He told me it was for watching the friends steer. I asked him why he didn’t tell me, he said because it was not important, that I never know where he is anyways. I did not understand why it was important to ask me about having chicken when he did not think it was important to ask me if it was ok to take time away from our family to watch the friends farm. It just does not make sense. I asked him again this morning if I could get someone to watch the kids so we could talk about things and again he told me no. I don’t know what to do. I tried to stay as emotionally controlled as possible, it is very hard though when you thought you were supposed to be partners and he is unwilling to communicate.

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On 7/18/2019 at 10:44 AM, Billiards Ball said:

Are you a born again Christian? Is your husband? Is his friend? Those three answers will reflect in what is best to do.

But it is upsetting that a husband won't talk with his wife about a relationship outside the marriage. However, are you asking about the friend or getting into fights about the friend?

I am a Christian, I actually love to read the Bible. My husband says he is, but shows little interest in God or the Bible. He got us started to going to church 13 years ago, it did not last a year before he was done. I continued going for awhile but it seemed like it was causing problems so I stopped. Ever since then I have tried to read something daily. Not always perfectly but if I get off track, I have gotten back on. He took us to another church a few times at the suggestion of a friend of his 11 years ago. Then this friend suggested his baptist church and we went there on and off for a few months. Then again he seemed done. We have had struggles with it, I don’t know what you would call them. I have gotten worked up a few times mainly because he acted cold and like my feeling did not matter or just would not communicate. He has been unwilling to communicate with it the whole time, he has never made a attempt to that I can tell. He will bring his friend up in conversation, I just listen. I don’t start a fight. Mainly just farm talk. But will not talk about what happened, and how we can resolve it. He has just sent me the verse about loving your neighbor as yourself. And let me know that I am not his neighbor.

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On 7/18/2019 at 11:27 AM, mlbrokish said:

Hi @Katie01

We farm too and my husband has several friends who occasionally call or text each other, but my husband wouldn't be as bold and closed off like your husband.  There's no way my husband would want to go to counselling, if it was needed. 

 Do you live in a very rural area where it would be difficult to find a counselor or a support group? Sometimes local help is more understanding of persons involved in agriculture / livestock and the stresses and concerns that it carries.

He has friends who occasionally text him. I have never cared about that. But this friend is texting him everyday. There are days his phone dings before he leaves. Could be as early as before 7 am., when he comes home for lunch, when he comes home at night. It is not that extreme everyday. But it is a lot of communication for a guy who barely communicates with me or his 6 kids anymore. He leaves in the morning comes home at lunch most days not always and when he does come home for the night usually spends the whole night on his phone watching YouTube. I know I can’t control him, but I just don’t know how it came to this. 

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On 7/18/2019 at 11:53 AM, dr3032 said:

Near as I understand, being a farmer can be rather lonely, and the statistics for suicide are rather shocking amongst them. Perhaps your husband and this friend have connected on such a front, and your husband merely doesn't wish for you to worry. Maybe he's used to your company, and just needs a new friend to try to add spice and variety to life.

What are your objections to this friend, anyway? It seems more like your husband not being wise about his money more than anything this other farmer is doing/has done.

I understand it is stressful to be a farmer. I have always tried to be very supportive of him, maybe to much. We have six kids I am a stay at home mom. We rarely spend much time together. Not because I don’t want to, he is just always busy. I actually think his friend is a nice guy from what I know of him. But I think that daily texting him is a bit much. I feel like a boundary has been crossed when 2 times in the last year he has told me he is doing what he wants and does not care what I think in dealings with him. When I have asked to communicate about it he has told me no. I started feeling very anxious every time I would hear his phone ding after he refused to talk to me. I told him that it was making me feel anxious and hurting me. He stopped texting me and kept texting his friend. Stopped eating at home for a few days and was barely home. It feels like a mess to me.

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19 minutes ago, Katie01 said:

I am a Christian, I actually love to read the Bible. My husband says he is, but shows little interest in God or the Bible. He got us started to going to church 13 years ago, it did not last a year before he was done. I continued going for awhile but it seemed like it was causing problems so I stopped. Ever since then I have tried to read something daily. Not always perfectly but if I get off track, I have gotten back on. He took us to another church a few times at the suggestion of a friend of his 11 years ago. Then this friend suggested his baptist church and we went there on and off for a few months. Then again he seemed done. We have had struggles with it, I don’t know what you would call them. I have gotten worked up a few times mainly because he acted cold and like my feeling did not matter or just would not communicate. He has been unwilling to communicate with it the whole time, he has never made a attempt to that I can tell. He will bring his friend up in conversation, I just listen. I don’t start a fight. Mainly just farm talk. But will not talk about what happened, and how we can resolve it. He has just sent me the verse about loving your neighbor as yourself. And let me know that I am not his neighbor.

Sounds like you will have to pray on bigger issues than a difficult friend. Have you discussed finding a born again, Bible-believing fellowship with your husband, so you both can attend? He's gone to church at times, so why don't you find a good church and then simply tell him you'd like to go to church with him?

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I don’t think people here appreciate the size of the hole that katie’s marriage fell into. Pull him aside and talk to him? Katie wouldn’t be here sounding so desperate if it were that simple. Her response about his spiritual condition is exactly what I expected to hear. No simple answers.

We have no way of knowing what’s happening in this man’s head. Chemical imbalance in his brain? Chronic depression? Disappointment that the farming thing is not as financially viable as he hoped? One thing that is clear, he’s avoiding his home. This friend is his escape — his double life — his alter ego. He’s lost connection with his children, his wife feels like a stranger, and he’d rather be elswhere.

We can all sit here and say he shouldn’t act this way, but it won’t change him.

Katie, my advice is to buckle in for a rough ride ahead, pray for discernment to know what to do, and conduct yourself in piety. Maybe God will open his eyes and spare him. It’s been known to happen. Look for an online support group for farmers/homesteaders.

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It’s hard to give any advice on this issue because you’re basically dealing with someone who is doing something you don’t like and there  is no end in sight. I went through this in my marriage. We never had any money issues or issues with friends but we had an issue with him doing something that hurt me for 18 years.We have been married for 20 years. I also got married young, have three kids and am a stay-at-home Mom. I prayed on it for years, tried the Christian counseling (didn’t like it) cried, begged and nothing changed until he thought I could be taken away from him. We had some business going on and a wealthy business man started pursuing me. Of course I would never cheat on my husband or leave our marriage, but when he saw that I had a way out he changed overnight. This doesn’t help you (sorry) but it does speak to the fact that sometimes if you are a stay at home mom you can be taken advantage of if your spouse believes he can get away with it and you have no alternative but to deal with it.Obviously there are some men that would never treat their wives this  way, but your husband sounds insensitive. Also, if he is stressed out and this friend is relieving that stress, he has no incentive to give up a friend that is bringing him joy. What does he have to lose? Some men don’t change unless they believe they have something to lose. Even Christian men. My husband is a Christian and meets weekly with a men’s Bible study, reads scripture daily, listens to Christian music and teachers our kids. But did not change until he thought he could lose me.

One thing that did help a bit was finding family or friends to talk to in real life(not just the Internet). Maybe even someone who may talk with you two about it if he doesn’t want to see a counselor. There are some who may say what happens in a marriage is between a husband and wife. I don’t agree with that if someone is being mistreated because there is no accountability if you keep things just between the two of you.

.If you can, find a support system- friends, family a church group you can talk to. You going to counseling on your own would just be a waste of money because it’s not you with the problem. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re being over sensitive because little things add up and can hurt just as badly as something big 

just my opinion and will continue to pray for you.

P.S. Although it was painful for me to have my husband do things that were insensitive for such a long period of time, it did make me love Christ more. Sometimes I think we are married to imperfect spouses to help us appreciate the beauty and perfection that is in Christ. If my husband were perfect I wonder if I would have been praying as much and seeking comfort from God as much. It’s easy to drift from God when you think you don’t need him. 

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8 hours ago, pg4Him said:

I don’t think people here appreciate the size of the hole that katie’s marriage fell into. Pull him aside and talk to him? Katie wouldn’t be here sounding so desperate if it were that simple. Her response about his spiritual condition is exactly what I expected to hear. No simple answers.

We have no way of knowing what’s happening in this man’s head. Chemical imbalance in his brain? Chronic depression? Disappointment that the farming thing is not as financially viable as he hoped? One thing that is clear, he’s avoiding his home. This friend is his escape — his double life — his alter ego. He’s lost connection with his children, his wife feels like a stranger, and he’d rather be elswhere.

We can all sit here and say he shouldn’t act this way, but it won’t change him.

Katie, my advice is to buckle in for a rough ride ahead, pray for discernment to know what to do, and conduct yourself in piety. Maybe God will open his eyes and spare him. It’s been known to happen. Look for an online support group for farmers/homesteaders.

Thank you so much for your response. I feel like someone understood me which means a lot. Though it does not fix the problem. After so long of being told It is all me it is such a blessing to be understood. Thank you so much. I am just asking God to give me wisdom. I asked God to help me to love my husband just as God loved me even when I was not loving and focusing on God. If that made any sense. Anyways thank you.

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7 hours ago, ReneeIW said:

It’s hard to give any advice on this issue because you’re basically dealing with someone who is doing something you don’t like and there  is no end in sight. I went through this in my marriage. We never had any money issues or issues with friends but we had an issue with him doing something that hurt me for 18 years.We have been married for 20 years. I also got married young, have three kids and am a stay-at-home Mom. I prayed on it for years, tried the Christian counseling (didn’t like it) cried, begged and nothing changed until he thought I could be taken away from him. We had some business going on and a wealthy business man started pursuing me. Of course I would never cheat on my husband or leave our marriage, but when he saw that I had a way out he changed overnight. This doesn’t help you (sorry) but it does speak to the fact that sometimes if you are a stay at home mom you can be taken advantage of if your spouse believes he can get away with it and you have no alternative but to deal with it.Obviously there are some men that would never treat their wives this  way, but your husband sounds insensitive. Also, if he is stressed out and this friend is relieving that stress, he has no incentive to give up a friend that is bringing him joy. What does he have to lose? Some men don’t change unless they believe they have something to lose. Even Christian men. My husband is a Christian and meets weekly with a men’s Bible study, reads scripture daily, listens to Christian music and teachers our kids. But did not change until he thought he could lose me.

One thing that did help a bit was finding family or friends to talk to in real life(not just the Internet). Maybe even someone who may talk with you two about it if he doesn’t want to see a counselor. There are some who may say what happens in a marriage is between a husband and wife. I don’t agree with that if someone is being mistreated because there is no accountability if you keep things just between the two of you.

.If you can, find a support system- friends, family a church group you can talk to. You going to counseling on your own would just be a waste of money because it’s not you with the problem. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re being over sensitive because little things add up and can hurt just as badly as something big 

just my opinion and will continue to pray for you.

P.S. Although it was painful for me to have my husband do things that were insensitive for such a long period of time, it did make me love Christ more. Sometimes I think we are married to imperfect spouses to help us appreciate the beauty and perfection that is in Christ. If my husband were perfect I wonder if I would have been praying as much and seeking comfort from God as much. It’s easy to drift from God when you think you don’t need him. 

Thank you so much, You have made me feel understood. Which is such a blessing right now. I know this is not going to be easy and have no idea what to do. But I am trusting God to lead me through this. He is giving me peace at times I would normally want to fall apart. This whole journey has brought me closer to God. I actually think that is part of the problem. I have found self worth and now live for God’s standard rather then my husbands. I don’t think he likes that new strength. I think he preferred me weak. I was easy to dominate, manipulate and control. Thank you

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45 minutes ago, Katie01 said:

sometimes if you are a stay at home mom you can be taken advantage of if your spouse believes he can get away with it and you have no alternative but to deal with it.

 

46 minutes ago, Katie01 said:

Some men don’t change unless they believe they have something to lose.

I was in a situation for several years with my husband taking advantage of me as @Katie01 has mentioned and being insensitive. We had all the stresses of farming (and still do) and went through some extremely difficult times to the point that I actually left to stay with my sister, unsure if it was short or long-term. Anyway, he was willing to work out our differences after that, and we are still married today (6 years later).

Every situation is unique, but Katie brings up very valid points.

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