Regaining trust.

[Bawcash]

Why am I here? I guess I am just looking for someone to talk too. My wife and I have been going through some crap the last couple years. Poor choices on her part (flirting, sexting, secrets and lies). We have talked about it and have pretty much worked it out but I still have moments of obsessing. I can't talk to anyone at our church because I don't want anyone to think badly about her. I would like to find someone who has been down a similar road just to have someone to talk to.

Ok a little more info. We have been married almost 30 years. This happened a couple years ago. She is much more attractive than I am so she holds all of the cards there. It seems that attention and approval from men is her go to drug for when things get tough. Can any women out there help me understand her side of this?

Edited July 23, 2019 by Bawcash
Additional info

[BeauJangles]

27 minutes ago, Bawcash said:

 I would like to find someone who has been down a similar road just to have someone to talk to.

Okay bro, here I am. And my story, it will be brief. When first getting online back in 1998, my wife and I discovered a chat site. It was secular, but there were a number of Christians on it, and anyone could open a room. Well, my wife found some guy, and they would spend hours behind locked doors, and shut in another room chatting. I would remain in the living room, where my activity was open, above board, and honest. Anyway, soon enough private phone calls started occurring, and it went on for hours on end. And it would go like this every evening, just like clock work. Eventually, she (thought) fell in love with this total stranger that she knew in the very short time of communications with each other.

After 10 years of marriage, and on the day after Christmas, I woke up and she had left. Gone. And I never heard from her again. Abandoned, desolate, and broken hearted. I cried my eyes out for months on end. It was just totally sad. About a year and a half ago, I heard from a girl friend of hers, that she had passed away. That totally numbed me out for a month or so, and once again fell into the depths of despair. It was very hard on me. Yes, there are still times of deep sorrow, but I had to on with the Lord. Praise God, He helps me through each dark and dreary day. Not all days are so down trodden, I do have some that are better than others. Praying for your situation, and hope it gets better for you. Hang in there. God bless.

Shalom, 

David/BeauJangles

Edited July 23, 2019 by BeauJangles

[pg4Him]

@BeauJangles I wish we had a reaction button for a hug.

[missmuffet]

5 hours ago, Bawcash said:

Why am I here? I guess I am just looking for someone to talk too. My wife and I have been going through some crap the last couple years. Poor choices on her part (flirting, sexting, secrets and lies). We have talked about it and have pretty much worked it out but I still have moments of obsessing. I can't talk to anyone at our church because I don't want anyone to think badly about her. I would like to find someone who has been down a similar road just to have someone to talk to.

I have been through two abusive marriages. The second one lasted for 25 years. It was my fault for picking these guys in the first place. I was not a good judge of character, I was naive and I picked a couple of very bad spouses. I was not a born again Christian back then. I have had to live with some major consequences from my ungodly choices. 

[missmuffet]

4 hours ago, BeauJangles said:

Okay bro, here I am. And my story, it will be brief. When first getting online back in 1998, my wife and I discovered a chat site. It was secular, but there were a number of Christians on it, and anyone could open a room. Well, my wife found some guy, and they would spend hours behind locked doors, and shut in another room chatting. I would remain in the living room, where my activity was open, above board, and honest. Anyway, soon enough private phone calls started occurring, and it went on for hours on end. And it would go like this every evening, just like clock work. Eventually, she (thought) fell in love with this total stranger that she knew in the very short time of communications with each other.

After 10 years of marriage, and on the day after Christmas, I woke up and she had left. Gone. And I never heard from her again. Abandoned, desolate, and broken hearted. I cried my eyes out for months on end. It was just totally sad. About a year and a half ago, I heard from a girl friend of hers, that she had passed away. That totally numbed me out for a month or so, and once again fell into the depths of despair. It was very hard on me. Yes, there are still times of deep sorrow, but I had to on with the Lord. Praise God, He helps me through each dark and dreary day. Not all days are so down trodden, I do have some that are better than others. Praying for your situation, and hope it gets better for you. Hang in there. God bless.

Shalom, 

David/BeauJangles

I am sorry David 

[Bawcash]

Ok a little more info. We have been married almost 30 years. This happened a couple years ago. She is much more attractive than I am so she holds all of the cards there. It seems that attention and approval from men is her go to drug for when things get tough. Can any women out there help me understand her side of this?

[dr3032]

For women, I think male attention can be a prideful thing. A woman wanders about wearing tiny and tight short shorts, making men turn their heads and other women hiss under their breath in jealousy. It can make a woman feel powerful. That, and you have a number of men who won't bother with a conservative (not the political term) woman. If she's wearing baggy pants, a thick sweater, no makeup... She's not likely to be seen as prettier and thus likewise "superior".

However, as it is with such things, I believe it's a form of insecurity. A man might lift weights and bulk up because he fears looking weak. Someone might wear a pair of fake glasses, because they fear looking unintelligent. A woman might put her goods on display and behave in such ways, because she feels insecure in her appearance and personality. When you see a woman running about from this guy and that guy, she does such things because she feels like that's the only way a man will pay attention to her. She is looking for love, in all the wrong ways and in all the wrong places. 

When it comes to this kind of situation though, the reasoning could be anything. Maybe she is insecure and doesn't feel like she gets enough attention, or it could just be that she has already moved on in her heart. My advice would be to pray to God for wisdom and guidance in this matter, and also to sit down with her and discuss this. State that you wish for her to be honest, and that regardless of what she says, you will not get angry. We are all prone to mistakes. A better understanding of the situation and of her heart will hopefully provide a better and clearer picture.

[missmuffet]

9 hours ago, Bawcash said:

Ok a little more info. We have been married almost 30 years. This happened a couple years ago. She is much more attractive than I am so she holds all of the cards there. It seems that attention and approval from men is her go to drug for when things get tough. Can any women out there help me understand her side of this?

Is your wife a born again Christian? Do you have a healthy marriage? Is your wife shallow and insecure? 

[lovethelord]

Bawcash, 

As I’m replying to your post, I almost feel like I’m also giving advice to myself (I've been married over 26 years).  I feel i can relate to looking for someone to talk to when I'm in a bad place regarding my husband. I know "realistically" that nothing could really satisfy than having the communication I would like with my spouse and not a forum of strangers. I have to remind myself and hope to remind you that we are not alone however. The Holy Spirit is given to believers to help us in our prayers to God. Pray for His restoration, true forgiveness, healing, reconciliation, communication, understanding and peace to your marriage. God answers prayers! He wants marriages to survive. We need to do our part and do what God’s says and that is to guard our hearts and minds against Satan’s attack. When we are hurting, lonely and vulnerable he will plant his seed of lies, distrust and doubts to our minds. He wants to keep you stuck and focused  on the worst and hurtful parts of your marriage. Anything that he can use to draw you away from God’s ideal of a marriage relationship he will use. I've copied some verses hoping they would help.  If you think about it, 30 years is a long time to be married and commendable in this culture. God has blessed each of you with each other and is the author of all healing!

• James 5:16, “The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results”  
• Ephesians 4:31-32, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”  
• Ecclesiastes 4:12: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
• Mark 10:9: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."
• 1 Peter 4:8: “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins."

[Prycejosh1987]

On 7/23/2019 at 1:57 AM, Bawcash said:

Why am I here? I guess I am just looking for someone to talk too. My wife and I have been going through some crap the last couple years. Poor choices on her part (flirting, sexting, secrets and lies). We have talked about it and have pretty much worked it out but I still have moments of obsessing. I can't talk to anyone at our church because I don't want anyone to think badly about her. I would like to find someone who has been down a similar road just to have someone to talk to.

Ok a little more info. We have been married almost 30 years. This happened a couple years ago. She is much more attractive than I am so she holds all of the cards there. It seems that attention and approval from men is her go to drug for when things get tough. Can any women out there help me understand her side of this?

It seems you need more assurance that she is not cheating with you, unfortunately some people like to flirt as it makes them feel good. It always gives the essence of new romance. Some people like things new and other deal with things better as they go on. I hope this helps.