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My daughter left home at 17 against our will to pursue the trans-gender life. At first she still talked with us but then she severed all communication with us a year & a half ago. However, just recently she called my wife saying she wanted to be a part of our lives again but DEMANDS that we call her the boys name she now goes by and refer to her as a male with the pronouns he, him & his. I'm very reluctantly and grudgingly willing to go along with the boys name but I believe it is very, very wrong to refer to my daughter as a male. There are a couple of people in our church saying we should go along with the male pronouns just to get her back into the family so we can communicate again. There's nothing I would love more than that but I cannot get a peace about calling her a guy. It is my strong conviction that we cannot compromise with evil and expect to be victorious. To me, it's like spitting in God's face, yet still expecting Him to bless us. I need prayer and insight. What are your thoughts? Thanks & God bless.  DJ Fincham

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I agree with you. Calling her by her new name is no big deal, but referring to her as a male is. My wife and I have experience in this area, and acceptance is one thing but encouragement by endorsement is another. It would be great to get back in communication with your daughter, but not at the expense of your convictions.

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Hi @D J

Since this is your first post, I'd like to welcome you to the Worthy Forums. Wow, so this is really concerning, I am so sorry you're faced with a seemingly impossible situation. When you say that after a year and a half of estrangement, your daughter wants back into your life, I'm wondering to what degree that entails. 

Once people get this far into trans-gender roles, decisions usually don't revert back in most cases. Not saying it can't happen, because I have heard some do find Christ, and make attempts at needed changes. Try your best to accept your daughter back, but tread lightly when addressing he/she issues if you can. 

God bless, 

David/BeauJangles

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3 hours ago, D J said:

My daughter left home at 17 against our will to pursue the trans-gender life. At first she still talked with us but then she severed all communication with us a year & a half ago. However, just recently she called my wife saying she wanted to be a part of our lives again but DEMANDS that we call her the boys name she now goes by and refer to her as a male with the pronouns he, him & his. I'm very reluctantly and grudgingly willing to go along with the boys name but I believe it is very, very wrong to refer to my daughter as a male. There are a couple of people in our church saying we should go along with the male pronouns just to get her back into the family so we can communicate again. There's nothing I would love more than that but I cannot get a peace about calling her a guy. It is my strong conviction that we cannot compromise with evil and expect to be victorious. To me, it's like spitting in God's face, yet still expecting Him to bless us. I need prayer and insight. What are your thoughts? Thanks & God bless.  DJ Fincham

If you have a relative that thinks they are Napoleon, to you acquiesce to their demands that you call them "General, sir"? 

That's my answer. 

And the surest way for a person to get me to not do a thing is to demand that I do it.

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3 hours ago, D J said:

My daughter left home at 17 against our will to pursue the trans-gender life. At first she still talked with us but then she severed all communication with us a year & a half ago. However, just recently she called my wife saying she wanted to be a part of our lives again but DEMANDS that we call her the boys name she now goes by and refer to her as a male with the pronouns he, him & his. I'm very reluctantly and grudgingly willing to go along with the boys name but I believe it is very, very wrong to refer to my daughter as a male. There are a couple of people in our church saying we should go along with the male pronouns just to get her back into the family so we can communicate again. There's nothing I would love more than that but I cannot get a peace about calling her a guy. It is my strong conviction that we cannot compromise with evil and expect to be victorious. To me, it's like spitting in God's face, yet still expecting Him to bless us. I need prayer and insight. What are your thoughts? Thanks & God bless.  DJ Fincham

Many things we see in people are symptoms and results of root causes.  We often focus on the obvious things we see rather than the root causes of behaviors.  I think the main thing is discerning God's priorities for dealing with things.  God is often more interested in changing people's hearts so that their behavior naturally changes rather than enforcing particular behaviors.  Sometimes this is a matter of God healing things that have emotionally or spiritually crippled us  or have us in bondage to certain things.   The question is whether you view a transgender lifestyle as a conscious sin which is purely a matter of choice or if you see it as partly the result of emotional, spiritual, social, or relationship hurt or trauma which needs to be healed in some way.

My advice would be to pick your battles carefully.   If you can simply avoid some battles, it's probably helpful to do so.   In the big picture, I'd guess the important core issue is related to *the motivation* for pursuing a transgender life rather than a transgender life itself.  If a part of how God is dealing with the real core issue is re-establishing a relationship with you, deflect distractions and focus on what God wants you to.

With regard to name, all of us have a preference as to what name we want to be called for personal reasons.  It might be a nickname, a shortened version, or whatever.  There can be reasons why we do not like particular versions of our given name.  Some people just make a decision at various points in their life to use a different version.  Two of my kids chose to use a different form of their name when they headed to college.  One went with her entire first and middle name which is what she still goes by in her early 30s.  That's different to a degree, but ultimately the question is if this is a battle worth the cost of fighting.

With regard to pronouns and gender references, it should be possible to have an entire conversation with your ... child ... and not have to use 3rd person pronouns or make references to gender.  Most conversations with a person involve only 1st and 2nd person pronouns and usages.    It should be possible to phrases things in a way to get around gender usages.  The biggest chance for pronoun usage conflict is probably when talking about your child to someone else when your child is present.  It's a bit clumsy but it should be possible to avoid use of 3rd person pronouns.  :)  Note that I managed this entire post without use of gender references or gendered pronouns.  It was a bit clumsy at points but is possible in a fairly natural sounding way most of the time.  

I think the big issue is discerning what the real battles are which God wants you to fight and to focus on those.  Ultimately, the request to use particular pronouns was lead up to by many other spiritual, emotional, social, and relational things over the space of months and years.  There's the chance that some of those things might be what God is really working on here.

 

 

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May I suggest that the priority is to open communication with your daughter.

I see no reason why you shouldn't call her by what ever name she wants to use, but not to use the pronouns. 

You also need to discuss how she reacts with the rest of the family, about her demands, rather than talking with you.

Do your research about the whole transgender issue.

Do cover your relationship with prayer.

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Obviously - you should ask God first - and His instruction overrules any advice I provide from my limited perspective.

People who want to be a part of your life don't make "DEMANDS". She can ask or negotiate - but you also have the right to negotiate and set boundaries. If you are prepared to compromise on the name, she should be prepared to compromise on the pronouns. If she only wants to control everything around her, then she doesn't want to be in a relationship - that's not how successful relationships work. That's not how the world works.

You are obligated to love and accept her, but you are not obligated to agree with her (or to fall in line with her deception). Tolerance is a two-way street. If she wants you to tolerate her convictions, she must be prepared to tolerate yours.

You will not accomplish anything of eternal consequence by compromising your conscience towards God.

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On 8/9/2019 at 5:17 AM, D J said:

My daughter left home at 17 against our will to pursue the trans-gender life. At first she still talked with us but then she severed all communication with us a year & a half ago. However, just recently she called my wife saying she wanted to be a part of our lives again but DEMANDS that we call her the boys name she now goes by and refer to her as a male with the pronouns he, him & his. I'm very reluctantly and grudgingly willing to go along with the boys name but I believe it is very, very wrong to refer to my daughter as a male. There are a couple of people in our church saying we should go along with the male pronouns just to get her back into the family so we can communicate again. There's nothing I would love more than that but I cannot get a peace about calling her a guy. It is my strong conviction that we cannot compromise with evil and expect to be victorious. To me, it's like spitting in God's face, yet still expecting Him to bless us. I need prayer and insight. What are your thoughts? Thanks & God bless.  DJ Fincham

I think that you should tell your daughter that you love her but that you can not support her life style because you are a Christian. You can pray for your daughter. 

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