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SurrenderedWife

I denied Jesus 3 times - here is what happened

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Posted (edited)

There are so many lessons I learned along my journey with God, that I thought I'd share my full testimony in case some parts speak more to some than others.

 

I was raised in an atheist family (in New Zealand), suffering through bullying within and outside of home. I would have killed myself if not for an online friend - only person who I felt had loved me. I never heard the gospel until I was 21, and would have spent an eternity in hell!  I was seeking my own gain (to network with a singer), when she asked me to meet her at church (in Japan where only 1% are Christian! What are the odds?) I heard the gospel, and moved to tears, without questioning accepted God's gift of salvation. That was 10 years ago.

When I shared the good news with my boyfriend and mum (those who were my greatest support), they quickly talked me out of it. I never gave up seeking the meaning in life, and explored Hare Krishnas and Falun Gong. Believing that truth leads to meaningful life, I questioned inconsistencies I saw there and was met with frightening hostility! I did stay with astrology and one day suddenly became very sick - almost dying of gallstones - something unheard of in a health-conscious female of that age. I didn't know God, but I remember swearing at the unjust  universal powers that be.

Through another coincidence, I befriended a Jehovah's Witness. Oddly he showed me Zeitgeist, while keeping his faith to himself so as not to impose. I didn't find out about his beliefs until years later (after surgery) when I asked him about it. I asked lots of questions and was astounded by the beauty and profundity of the Bible, particularly 1 Corinthians 13. I prayed heartily, had a premonition followed by an audible voice, and this is when I made my full-blown repentance.

At the time, my atheist boyfriend and I were designing a game campaign involving doctrinal differences such as if God is one or Triune, whether to keep the Sabbath etc. I thus looked into these issues before attending a church, and went down a loooong rabbit hole of truth-seeking (on my own!). After about a month of research, I left him after he refused to accept Jesus. I joined a Seventh Day Baptist church (not having had any counsel from experienced Christians) and only escalated into trying to keep ALL the commandments (OT included) from there. Too bad I hadn't come across dispensationalism to realise what applies to whom and when!


I stayed with the family of a little Messianic Judaism cult where we were led by an 'Apostle' and spent days delving into the minutia of headcoverings, beards and the true name of God. Unsurprisingly, there was a lack in areas of submission in families and love between brethren. When I was continually slandered, I brought it up to the sister, then to two witnesses, then congregation and then in her embarrassment she jumped out saying she will "kill me" and threw me out of her house. I had no fear. I had recently quit a job because I couldn't keep the solar-lunar Sabbaths, and the conviction of my heart was that I would be ready to die for the Lord. Instead, I (on my own again) questioned and questioned this and that until my research led me all the way into atheism and I denied our Lord the second time.
 

I tried to get back with my first boyfriend, but he insisted our relationship be secret and strictly sexual. I turned him down and found myself another humanitarian intellectual. This relationship too was very rocky - we had our fun times but I wanted him to get his act together and make something of himself and he bristled at my controlling behaviour.

God wasn't done with me yet though, and about 3 years ago I again came around to Christianity after digging around in conspiracies. I was quick to drop all the sin in my life, including fornication, and this angered my boyfriend. He debated me for hours each day, and I was amazed that I was able to pull out strong, logical apologetics out of thin air. Shaken by the strength of my faith, my boyfriend said goodbye to his spirit guide (who came to him suddenly in a meditation long ago), and prayed and fasted for 7 days to 'see God'. Alas, he said he didn't have the experience. The Holy Spirit was working a miracle through me, I thought, until eventually he talked me out of the faith and I denied our Lord for the third time. Ah, the spirit of Peter that I am! ;o;

The Lord did bless our efforts though as my boyfriend ended up dropping a lot of degeneracy, but it was hard for me to trust it being genuine and trust issues continued to rip us apart. Oddly enough, because of the same life goals (homeschooling kids on a homestead and political activism to help liberate people from oppressors), and wanting kids to have stability, we ended up exchanging vows before God. At the time, we were learning about the benefits of following Christian morals and were considering ourselves 'culturally Christian', while keeping many new age practices. We joined an angry political group that wouldn't be at all Biblical, and in the pit of my stomach I felt this was a bad plan... 

While my husband's life was improving mine was continuing to slide - my physical and mental health continued despite finding the 'truth' about nutrition and making everythign from scratch, as well as avoiding chemicals.. and of course LOTS of personal development and increasing meditation. Our relationship too was getting worse despite my tips and tricks. We started our family just before I turned 31, and I miscarried in terrible pain 9 weeks later (no drugs taken so as to keep body healthy). This was followed by a terrible self-move to another city after which something major broke down in the house every day and we were biting each other's heads off from the stress. Our kitten died of toxoplasmosis which she should have NEVER gotten or died of (chance is less than .001%), and I was terrified how I might get infected and ruin our future baby - we fought about litter hygiene daily. Our other cat continued to cause problems until we got them a mate and things got worse. I got pregnant again and miscarried the second time. That was the end of the line for me - life was 99% pain and I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't help myself and no one could help me. In desperation, I cried out for Jesus to save me, telling Him that if this is all a plan to get me back - fine, He can have me!! :P That very instant, I was soothed. Somehow I knew everything would be ok from now on, because "everything works for good to those who love God and are called according to His Purpose" Rom 8:28.

My husband and I now suddenly had very opposed political views (and he considered breaking up with me for a while), and I was sharing my faith with the Godless group, but they didn't really care, increasing my feeling of being a useless human being. I didn't tell my dad, since he just gets angry, disappointed and parrots "religion is the opium of the people". I don't believe in hiding God's lamp under a bushel, and I care about souls, so I talk to everyone else in my circle - ALL non-believers, telling them my testimony and sharing the beautiful gospel of Christ as it was finally being revealed to me. I also couldn't help but mention other amazing facts in conversation that made the Bible real. The people closest to me (husband and mum) say they like me better as a Christian, which amazes me. I was never able to improve myself, but my husband says my temperament has changed. To me that's a miracle.

Still, no one seems to have been moved to accept Jesus, but rather with every word and action that proceeds from them, Satan is planting doubts in MY mind. I want to be used by God for great works, but I feel not used at all. I repent and surrender every day, and study, so I don't know what else I can do to be a useful vessel. 

Lessons learned:
-Online friendship can save lives!

-Killing yourself is a bad idea since something better still awaits you!

-New believers should quickly find Christian support, while not committing to any church or doctrine too hastily

-Please don't hide your faith from the people around you - you never know who needs to hear it!
-If we turn away from God, He being faithful will look for the lost sheep and will either bring it back through love or through chastening. Don't be surprised if you are given up to Satan's torture if that's what it takes for you to stop trusting in idols and repent
-Be very slow to change your beliefs or commit to something for life - be thorough in research, counsel and prayer, especially in weighty matters such as marriage for life and your eternal life!

 

Thank you for everyone on this forum who has helped strengthen me with scriptures and prayer.

 

If you have gone through anything similar and want me to be your support buddy or anything like that please reach out <3

 

With love in Christ,

Anna
 

Edited by SurrenderedWife

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Surrendered Wife (Anna), 

Thank you for sharing your testimony. How do you know that you are not being used by God. I read your story and I’m sure others will. God has a special unique plan just for you. Through your journey and questing to find answers to life brought you to our wonderful Lord. He will use you! He controls the timing and outcome. Thanks for sharing. Don’t forget….your story is not over yet. You don’t know the impact of your changed life will have on others.  

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