dating Confused and hurt Girlfriend

[Babygal]

My boyfriend and his ex are in the same class. They're best of friends because theyp apparently realized that they're better off as friends than anything else.

A few months back I found messages on his phone between them, she was feeling upset so he tried cheering her up and even went as far as to call her baby ?... Since then we have broken up nonstop and she was the cause of it. The fact that he didn't want to cut her out of his life keeps causing us to break up. He says they're just friends and he keeps making excuses for their friendship. 

I feel like she holds a higher level of importance in his life and that hurts me.

He comes from a broken home and because of that whenever we break up he uses that as an excuse to guilt trip me by making me take him back. 

Our relationship has reached the point where we reply with just one word. 

I am so tired of hurting and worrying about his loyalty towards me. It's painful to go to bed every night wondering what he has been up to behind my back seeing as we're in a long distance relationship. 

Before she came into the picture I trusted him with my whole life. Now I can't say the same. 

 

 

I want to observe a spiritual fast for him and for him to have a change of heart and also for him to become a Godly Christian man, as well as for our future together. But I don't want to do it if it's all gonna be in vain later down the line. 

 

i am so confused. I really need someone to give me clearance from a Christian view. 

Please help me 

 

 

 

Edited August 19, 2019 by Babygal
Typo

[AnOrangeCat]

This is one you have to pray about. You know him and yourself better than any of us so the advice we can offer is limited. With that out of the way...

You've said the two of you have broken up several times. This suggests to me that there's some level of instability present in your relationship. If you two want a future at all then that's something you two would need to get to the heart of and deal with it. Additionally, while I'm not going to say a long distance relationship won't work, it's clearly not working for you at this point. The two of you would need to be genuinely striving toward moving closer together, and honestly I'm a bit skeptical that it would do much good right now. Technology and social media make it incredibly easy for people to cheat. That's something that can happen whether you're miles apart or next door.

Is he Christian right now? The Bible does speak to us about being "unequally yoked", meaning we should avoid getting romantically entangled with unbelievers. It's NEVER in vain to pray for someone to accept Jesus or grow spiritually. Just know that it isn't mind control and it isn't a bargain with God. I was unequally yoked myself for a while and it didn't end well. I prayed for her often, and sometimes I still do pray for her wellbeing and salvation. The difference between now and then is that there was always an element of the flesh talking in my earlier prayers. On some level I always had the notion that her getting saved would mean we'd end up happily ever after. It's very easy to fall into that line of thinking, and it's not good. More often than not it's a setup for heartbreak and disappointment. It's why it's important in this sort of situation to remove yourself from the picture as much as possible. Pray for God's will. Pray for your boyfriend's spiritual betterment. If you feel called to fast about it, do so. But so much as possible try to avoid seeing it as something that will bring you back together as a couple. Only God knows what the full plan for your life is.

[Who me]

May I suggest that you talk with him about what he wants and about what loyalty means.

He may see no harm in maintaining a friendship with his X, but as it causes you distress, is he prepared to support you.

If he cannot do anything to help you. Then your best option will be to give him up. Nutrient him in Facebook, block his calls from your phone etc etc.

 

That he uses excuses of his background and does not appear to have learnt anything about the importance of maintaining trust in a relationship is a bad sign.

 

Set your sights on someone with more maturity.

 

[Debp]

14 hours ago, Babygal said:

A few months back I found messages on his phone between them,

 

14 hours ago, Babygal said:

as we're in a long distance relationship.

Just curious, were you living in the same place previously?   But now in a long distance relationship?

It sounds as if you have a big trust issue.   Breaking up non-stop and answering each other with one word isn't a mature relationship.

Is he a Christian?   Is she a Christian?   If so, if you really see a future with him, you need to learn to trust him and forgive him.   That is a mature basis for a relationship.

[gdemoss]

Jesus told me that my problem was that I was selfish and self-centered.  That though I believed in God and had come to Christ I based all my life decisions on how they affected me.  I was told that the only way I would truly live was if I died to self and followed what he said.

I testify that I knew a young woman in distress.  She was living with a man and they were always physically fighting and getting loaded on booze and drugs.  I was married at the time but separated from my wife 18 months.

When the young lady approached me looking for a way out I selfishly took her for myself without regard for my wife or my children or her boyfriend or her children.  I saw an opportunity not to be alone and seized upon it. 

I took the woman and sobered her up and moved her into my home.  The act was so offensive that the very man who brought me to Christ abandoned me.  

I brought the woman to my mentor and he said "ok, it isn't ideal.  It is adultery but who am I to say God can't work in it?  You can do this but you will have to pay for her sins too.  And when she starts to offend you cannot cast her away".  I agreed.

Needless to say, I suffered many grievous sins at her hand including infidelity which hurt terrifically yet I obeyed what I was told and kept her still.  I learned so much over the following six years about Gods love, power and way of life.  My wife and I agreed to divorce and I worked to right the wrongs committed against her.  The woman has been sober 6 years and seeks to surrender her life to God as she has come to know him.  We married and she is my wife.  My former wife receives adequate support and also baby sits for my now wife and I while we work which allows her to support herself.

When I suffered the infidelity I sought counsel from my mentor and the scriptures about what I should do.  My mentor said "you will do nothing".  The scriptures told me to pray for her and the man.  I began praying for them everytime a thought of them came up without ceasing.  I asked God to bless them and keep them.  I asked that God put them together and make them happy if they were supposed to be together.  I honestly meant it though it hurt to think that would mean I was to be alone again.  That didn't happen though.  The opposite did.

I have faced many challenges because of the decisions based on self, my sins if you will, but I have grown immeasurably through it all.  

Each of us is challenged in this world to make the decision of being trapped in self and concern ourselves with our resentments, our desires, hurts etc or we can deny ourselves and seek to do whatever God says is best.

Jesus was a radical madman as it pertains to life in the flesh as his ways have not been in anyway satisfying to my flesh but as it pertains to my spirit I have found peace and rest for my soul.

I still make poor decisions and am beset by sin.  My grosser handicaps have been healed. I no longer am an adulterer.  I keep proper boundaries with women to avoid temptation.  I know today that my sin will find me out and I don't want to pay that price again.

I pray that you can use all of this your experiencing to draw closer to God.  I hope you chose to pray for all involved except yourself in hopes that you might see God do mighty works.  Gods ways are above mine for certain.  They work wonders!  May God bless you and keep you through these trials and afflictions.

 

 

[GandalfTheWise]

16 hours ago, Babygal said:

My boyfriend and his ex are in the same class. They're best of friends because theyp apparently realized that they're better off as friends than anything else.A few months back I found messages on his phone between them, she was feeling upset so he tried cheering her up and even went as far as to call her baby ?... Since then we have broken up nonstop and she was the cause of it. The fact that he didn't want to cut her out of his life keeps causing us to break up. He says they're just friends and he keeps making excuses for their friendship. I feel like she holds a higher level of importance in his life and that hurts me.He comes from a broken home and because of that whenever we break up he uses that as an excuse to guilt trip me by making me take him back. Our relationship has reached the point where we reply with just one word.  I am so tired of hurting and worrying about his loyalty towards me. It's painful to go to bed every night wondering what he has been up to behind my back seeing as we're in a long distance relationship.  Before she came into the picture I trusted him with my whole life. Now I can't say the same. 

I want to observe a spiritual fast for him and for him to have a change of heart and also for him to become a Godly Christian man, as well as for our future together. But I don't want to do it if it's all gonna be in vain later down the line. i am so confused. I really need someone to give me clearance from a Christian view. Please help me 

I've been married for over 30 years and have observed the development of many marriages over decades.  I've seen those that have thrived, survived, and ended.  I'm seeing red flags in this post.   The biggest is that any single Christian woman who is asking anything other than "how do I know if God is guiding me to this great Christian man with all these great qualities" is probably not in a good situation.  Anytime I hear anything close to already being in love with someone and having to pray they will become a better person, I cringe because I've heard way too many sad testimonies of what happens 10 years down the line.  I've heard a few where things do work out but more often than not it turns into a mess especially once children come into the picture.

I'm not hearing any positive reasons why this relationship is good.  There is no list of all the great things about this man and why he is so special that he is good marriage material.  All I read is flaws.  If a man is not good marriage material right now, you shouldn't be dating him let alone having him as a boyfriend or considering him as a husband.   Would I be correct in guessing that you have some special memories or feelings associated with him calling you "baby"?  And now you realize that he uses that term with other women?  Hopefully he is not just a charismatic seductive smooth talker who has learned how to charm women off their feet without them realizing it.   If you are a Christian and having to pray for someone to become a godly man, you probably should not have been in that relationship to begin with.

Here's a solid piece of age-old wisdom (that is backed up by research) about looking for a good marriage partner.  The fewer relationships in their past, the better.  Every relationship adds baggage to a person and lessens how special a relationship is for them.  Every person you kiss lessens how special a kiss is with your eventual marriage partner.  Every special memory you have with someone from your past will compete with the person you eventually marry.  There are single people today who regularly have intimate relations with a series of people.  They are destroying their ability to form a special pair bond which is the basis of a good marriage.   Of course, two virgins in their first and only relationship getting married is no guarantee of a happy lifelong marriage.  But, odds are more in their favor of a happy lifelong marriage than those with many prior relationships.

Here's another solid piece of age-old wisdom about a marriage partner.  What you see now in their character is more than likely what you'll see later.  The usual exception to this is a person who is putting on a good front to cover bad things and they end up worse than you expected.   It is more common to discover bad things about a person later than to discover good things.  If someone is hopping around from relationship to relationship now, they will likely continue to do so.  If someone is manipulative now, they likely will be later.  If you are not seeing a consistent pattern of integrity, being a hard worker, personal growth, honesty, and good character now, they probably don't have it and won't have it later.   If you are having to make excuses for someone now, you will have to continue to do so later.   Don't marry for potential and hope for change.  Sometimes people change for the better, but many times they don't.

A final piece of advice.  Relationships and marriages are not a rescue mission to save someone.  If you want to help people, become a counselor or do volunteer work.  If someone has a bunch of emotional and spiritual baggage and bondage from the past, it's unlikely you're going to help them heal within the context of a relationship or marriage.  It's more likely you'll become an enabler and let them continue on doing the same thing and they will drag you down with them.  

[missmuffet]

21 hours ago, Babygal said:

My boyfriend and his ex are in the same class. They're best of friends because theyp apparently realized that they're better off as friends than anything else.

A few months back I found messages on his phone between them, she was feeling upset so he tried cheering her up and even went as far as to call her baby ?... Since then we have broken up nonstop and she was the cause of it. The fact that he didn't want to cut her out of his life keeps causing us to break up. He says they're just friends and he keeps making excuses for their friendship. 

I feel like she holds a higher level of importance in his life and that hurts me.

He comes from a broken home and because of that whenever we break up he uses that as an excuse to guilt trip me by making me take him back. 

Our relationship has reached the point where we reply with just one word. 

I am so tired of hurting and worrying about his loyalty towards me. It's painful to go to bed every night wondering what he has been up to behind my back seeing as we're in a long distance relationship. 

Before she came into the picture I trusted him with my whole life. Now I can't say the same. 

 

 

I want to observe a spiritual fast for him and for him to have a change of heart and also for him to become a Godly Christian man, as well as for our future together. But I don't want to do it if it's all gonna be in vain later down the line. 

 

i am so confused. I really need someone to give me clearance from a Christian view. 

Please help me 

 

 

 

Are you jealous? Are you and your boyfriend Christians?