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On 10/5/2019 at 8:31 AM, TraceMalin said:

Some of you who've greeted me here, know a little about my story. A year ago, October 2, 2018 I was scuba diving in Alexandria Bay, NY. I only had 3 days left of a season spent teaching technical diving on the shipwrecks found in the St. Lawrence River. One more student, 4 more dives between 180 and 250 feet deep, and I'd be done. Not just with the season, but with deep diving -- forever. I had just turned 50 years old that July. Despite being in good shape where I could still pass a USLA ocean lifeguard test and being very muscular and lean, I just started to feel old. As we age, we are more susceptible to oxygen toxicity and decompression sickness. I was certified to teach a course called Level III Exploration Trimix to 330 feet/100 meters; the deepest certification agencies and insurance companies allow us to conduct diver training. After class, a student possesses the knowledge to go to extremes if they desired ... 500 feet ... deeper.

My plan was to semi-retire as a technical diving instructor. I was still going to teach scuba, but mostly within recreational diving depths to 130 feet and a course called Advanced Nitrox to 150 feet. But, only occasionally. My girlfriend, Sonya, and I were going to get married and do a lot of backpacking and horseback riding. Sonya grew up in a wealthy area of Los Angeles and had her own horse and enough land to trail ride. Being from Southern California her hobbies were snow skiing and figure skating. She eventually became a professional figure skating coach. I grew up in the Pocono Mountains in Pennsylvania surrounded by ski resorts so my hobbies were scuba diving and surfing. My girlfriend's voice is newscaster neutral. I sound like the turtle, Crush, from finding Nemo. In high school, my homeroom teacher who had been a marine at Camp Pendleton, said I was the only native California not born in the state. We used to joke that God just goofed and sent the surfer and the skier to the wrong addresses.

Anyway, the day before I got decompression sickness (DCS), I taught a class in a wetsuit to on a wreck in 250 feet of water. The river water temperature was between 68 - 72 F all the way to the bottom in the summertime. When the crisp Fall nights come, the temperature can drop a degree a day until it reaches the 30's in winter. The water was getting chilly so I decided to dive in my drysuit. We wear a type of thermal underwear underneath a rubber suit with attached boots and gloves and a latex neck seal to keep water out. A special locking zipper allows entry. My suit had some holes in it, so I patched them the night before like you'd repair a swimming pool liner. I decided to test dive it for the class. Underwater, the visibility was excellent. I played around an the wreck of the Islander, an 1800's paddlewheeler in 25 - 60 feet of water. Then, I headed out to a shoal in 90 feet where you can see lots of fish and drift in the fast river current. It was a fantastic dive! My suit was mostly dry and I was going to get some hot coffee and spend the rest of the day in bed eating Chinese food and watching movies.

I put my gear in the back of my truck. I was renting a motel room for the season just 5 minutes from the dive site. It was raining when I surfaced and it was cold so I decided to just drive back to my room then remove my drysuit, take a shower, get coffee, and eat leftover Chinese. As soon as I approached the driveway into the motel, I felt a strange bubbling in my left foot. Then, I felt tingles from head to toe. My ears began to ring loudly and my vision blurred. Oh! Please God. Don't let me be bent. I knew something was very wrong. I pulled up to my room and quickly took my suit off. While underwater, I really had an urge to have a bowel movement. The feeling came over me again so I sat on the toilet. I couldn't go. That had never been a problem for me. I grabbed a 100% pure oxygen bottle I used to accelerate decompression schedules from 20 feet to the surface and started to breathe. First aid for DCS is 100% oxygen and transport to a recompression chamber ASAP. I lay in bed breathing O2 and started to feel better. I went back into the bathroom. Success!

I came out and called the Divers Alert Network. DAN has doctors and medics standing by 24/7. I told the medic who answered the phone that I was bent. I wanted to verify that the recompression chamber in Syracuse was the closest. It was. It was also available. The choice I had was to drive 90 minutes to Syracuse myself or drive to River Hospital which was right next to the shipwreck I had just been on. The medic and I agreed that I could lose consciousness and my symptoms could worsen and my best bet was to go to River Hospital. On the way to River Hospital I breathed 100% oxygen through a regulator.

I didn't pray much. I simply put it in God's hands even though I was terrified. I called my mother and called my girlfriend and told them what was happening. God has really outdone himself, at times, in my life as a Cosmic Lifeguard. I survived 3 blackouts while freediving. One often is fatal. The day my brother got married one Spring, I was heavily into skydiving. I was on my way to the reception when I saw one of the guys from my skydiving club standing along the interstate near our little drop zone. I stopped and asked if he'd had an off-field landing. He told me a guy jumped E.J.'s chute and it had malfunctioned. A riser broke, spinning the skydiver around until he cut away the main and deployed the reserve. They were looking for the main canopy. Great. E.J. and I were gym buddies. He had broken his leg at the drop zone in the winter when he slipped on ice on the walkway. I was using his new chute about 2 - 3 times a week, That could have been me. I'm not sure I wouldn't have panicked and died. I'm not a big fan of skydiving emergencies. When I lived in the Cayman Islands, I was run over by a car at 40 or so mph. The car struck me in the base of the spine then I crashed through the windshield and was thrown to the ground behind the car. I had a concussion, amnesia, but not a single fracture. Just torn tendons and ligaments and the mother lode of road rashes. The car was totaled. I wasn't. Once while surfing, something bumped the bottom of my board, took off a fin and left a fist sized hole in the fiberglass.

Several of my friends had been bent and every one had been fine after treatment. I felt like the God who showed His presence in my life rescuing me from extraordinary circumstances was going to be with me like all the other times. I said a prayer and felt peace.

I parked in the lot, stopped breathing the 100% oxygen, and walked into the hospital and told them I was bent. The first thing they did was treat me like I didn't know what I was talking about. I explained that I was the international training director for the oldest technical scuba diving agency in the USA and dive medical technician. Then, one nurse told the others that I was the diver who dove alone all the time and I probably deserved it. What? Solo diving is now acceptable today due to redundant equipment. We have C-cards for it. I taught the course. I sternly told her that and added ... "and I'm the only cave diving instructor IN THE WORLD certified to teach solo cave diving!" They took me to the ER and started "treatment."

They didn't believe that I had the bends. They assumed that I had a stroke or something. I showed them the blotches all over my skin we call "skin bends." I needed O2 and chamber! They instead took me to X-Ray. They did head and chest. They got me to a table and started an I.V. and put a nasal cannula on me. I told them I needed an oxygen mask. The cannula would dilute the O2 to 30%. My cell rang and it was my buddy Bob who owned a dive shop in town. I told him I was bent and in the E.R. He came right over. He saw the nasal cannula and remarked, "That's not helping you."

"I know. Tell them that."

 We tried to get the physician assistant in charge of the ER to call DAN and ask to speak to a hyperbaric medicine physician. He wouldn't. He told me they called an ambulance. I figured the ambulance would be the one the volunteer fire company had a few blocks away. We waited ... and waited ... and waited. Bob suggested we just get in his truck and go. We told the hospital I wanted out. They said the ambulance would be there any minute. My symptoms kept getting worse. Double vision, breathing problems, pain, numbness, dizziness, ringing ears, loss of balance. Finally, the ambulance arrived.

They told me the hospital called it in as "transport only." They had made another couple of runs while I had been waiting.

7 hours after the onset of symptoms, I was finally placed in the chamber. Multiple days of chamber rides in Syracuse, NY and in Scranton, PA failed to resolve all my symptoms. The numbness in my limbs went away. My balance was better, but the severe swaying in my head, double vision, trouble processing motion, pain, nausea, constant rashes, acid reflux if I eat anything but yogurt and milk -- even with Prilosec and Protonix is permanent. Neurologists, neuro-ophthalmologists, ENT's, hyperbaric physicians, and therapists couldn't make a dent in the symptoms. After a year, they said if I didn't improve, it most likely never would. In fact, lesions form in brain DCS injuries and mimics MS. My only hope is either a miracle from God or that a lesion forms quickly in some important brain tissue controlling the heart or respiration. Every day, I'm being tortured. Imagine getting off a crazy amusement park ride where your equilibrium is affected and you walk drunkenly and feel like things are still spinning. Then, imagine it never stops. My right eye has bouncy vision and is useless for anything other than not being blind. My hair has grown long, my beard has grown in, and I wear an eye patch, but I cannot go outside even for a walk because I am too dizzy and can't process distances beyond small rooms.

As a cave diving instructor, I worked with military divers. If you are a soldier and being tortured, you can't hold out indefinitely. The goal is to just hold out to maintain operational security. Then, do your best to provide as little factual information as possible. In my case, I'm holding out for ... nothing really. I'm wrestling with VSED (voluntarily stopping eating and drinking) which seems natural to me. Or, eating and just living in a world of misery I cannot even express. No dog would be left to suffer like this. I know God can work miracles and I've had lots of people praying for me. Mentally, I can't hold out indefinitely. Quality of life on a scale from 1 - 100 is a 1. I can watch TV and use the computer. My brain can't process visual motion. It's a nightmare.

In high school, our youth group went to see the movie, Joni, the true story of Joni Eareckson , a seventeen-year-old girl who becomes paralyzed after a diving accident. Through her physical, emotional and spiritual struggles, Joni learns to trust in God. I imagined how I might live my life if paralyzed, blind, or missing limbs. I thought about how to cope with cancer. Now, I'm jealous of everyone who has a fast-acting cancer or even those who've been crucified. If God would let me pay for my own sins on a cross, and I could get out of life tomorrow, show me the Romans. As Christians, we are taught that God is the giver and taker of life. But, I'm caught between the cracks. I don't know if just letting go of life by not eating or drinking is suicide or just a natural way that an animal or a human just gets too ill or bone tired to do. I wish friends and family would just stop bringing me food. My mom was hospitalized for gout and everyone was tending to her. They forgot about me. It was easy to lie in bed and sleep constantly without trying to sustain life. It felt ... peaceful. My sister was just here with my nephew. She has MS. She was hospitalized the same day they brought me to Scranton for treatments closer to home. At first, they thought she had a stroke. Late onset at 48.

So, now I'm trying to figure out if stopping the daily, most horrendously miserable, torture I would never want another living creature to bear is suicide, of if the strong desire to not eat, is nature's way of telling a creature, "You're too damaged to live. You've suffered enough. Let go." If it's natural, could it be God's way?

Luke 6:31 "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." If I met someone suffering this way, and could feel what they felt, I'd shoot them in the head right away and gladly spend my life in the penitentiary knowing I loved another so much I gave away my freedom to take away their agony.

so sorry this happened to you I hope God will be with you in the mean time and through his faithfulness and mercy, heal you.

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Dear brother, I don't mean to sound harsh or uncaring, ...please believe I understand and grieve for your situation, ...I understand your want to stop eating, ...my mother passed that way in a convalescence hospital.

However, I have read everything you have said here, ...may I point out as a caring brother, you quoted Proverbs:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding. 

That you are leaning to your own understanding, rather than acknowledging Him in this time of trial:

 In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. 3:6

You have told us of your excellent qualifications, that you didn't do anything wrong in your ascent, ...you weren't given the proper care at first, ...and then tell us how Father has been working in your life since childhood, ...so then, may I humbly suggest, ...why not acknowledge Him now? Why not believe in faith that He will direct your life, whether He heals you, or like Joni, ...gives you the Grace to live with it?

You mentioned Abraham, the father of our faith, well, God allowed him to lie most of his life about his relationship with Sara, before Father dealt with him, ...what if, ...He is just waiting for you to relinquish your life, suffering and (most important and I believe the reason for this test), ...decision making about it all, to Him, ...and see what He has for you? 

Relinquish your "free will" to the Holy Spirit, ...believe me it's a life changer, ...I too needed an emergency vitrectomie caused by a laser happy doctor that burned a hole in my eye, Father intervened and when I checked in to the hospital they had scheduled two operations at the same time, in the same room with the same doctor, ...and out the door I went, ...and never went back, ...nine months later, at the insistence of my boss I went to his ophthalmologist and guess what, ...no hole, ...Father healed me without me ever asking.  

What if, and He does have a plan for your life, and that is being conformed into the image of His son, Jesus Christ, ...He has a ministry waiting for you, after you give to Him absolute authority, ...that means, become His bond slave "without" any rights of our own.

One last bit of info for you to reflect on bro, the reason there are seeming contradictions in the Word which many wrestle with to their own destruction is, ...they try to bring God down to their level, they try to understand and explain an Infinite God with their finite minds, ...only after we are with our Lord will we know as we are known, ...and even then, when we are immortal, ...we will still be learning new things about our Infinite Lord and God.

I'm holding you up continually bro, before Father's Throne of Grace, ...may I ask you a favor, would you please pray for my wife's cousin Alex, a young man in the prime of life with three young children, addicted and strung out on ICE who is in the last stage of his addiction before he overdoses which could happen at any moment now that he is so far gone.

Lord bless and allow you to see His hand in this,

In His Love,

Your brother in Christ, ...Gene

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Trace, if only you knew the power that your testimony gives to others who are feeling as you do. God has given you something in your profound weakness that others are watching, waiting, and clinging to your every word---waiting to see what you intend to do in your circumstances. There is no way I understand your pain and I would not even begin to try, but God is interested in your response to it. He promises never to leave you nor forsake you. Sometimes, because of circumstances or deep pain, we leave Him. 

This story of Claudia Martinez is a story I believe in some way you might be able to relate to. With six brain surgeries and a seventh that left her paralyzed from the neck down, her incredible persistence in "doing what you can do" was the driving key behind her graduating this year as a medical doctor. She's just 28. Let me know what you think after you watch it:

EDIT: Sorry about the U Tube video not being placed appropriately. Please look up Claudia Martinez. She did only what she could do.

 

Edited by Coliseum
Removed youtube link. Please post video links in the appropriate video forum (https://www.worthychristianforums.com/forum/144-videos/).
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On 10/5/2019 at 5:31 AM, TraceMalin said:

 

Hi Trace,

Truly horrendous. My heart goes out to you. Then after a while I would like to sit down with you and learn from your life lessons. You express yourself so well and can be a good mentor to this `lost` generation, that you are still close to in age.

I believe the enemy of our souls would have us/you get sucked down into an emotional abyss, and it is only the Lord who can take us through. As the Body of Christ, (the believers) only have a very short time till the Lord takes us home, I would encourage you to make the most of what you have to give, (your life experiences) and find the outlet, (maybe Worthy) and share, talk, encourage others. You will find that with a sense of eternal purpose the pain & torment will subside and you will grow strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.

regards & praying, Marilyn. 

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Trace, what can we say or do that will impact your life and bring you back to a place of complete 100% health and wellness? Faith is just believing what God says, He will do. He will never fail us, His promises are true. If we'd just receive Him, His children we'd become, Faith is just believing, the wondrous things He's done." In my own understanding, even when it seems God is not hearing, or bringing the answers we are so looking for, our heart attitude is just to, "Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey." Give it ALL to Jesus my friend, and leave the "outcome" to Him. I am in no way trying to sound "trite" from where I'm standing Trace, I can't even begin to know or understand the pain you constantly deal with, but my heart and prayers go before The Lord on your behalf, God bless.

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Hi Trace,

Right now you are on a difficult and painful path. You are at a crossroads in your faith where you are doubting God’s love and plans for you. Please resist the enemies thoughts of despair. The Lord didn’t bless you with your intelligence, skills, physical strength and courage to fail now. Finish the race! Please continue to pray without ceasing for what you request. There are people and family around you who love you very much.  I know you are suffering and afflicted now, but seek comfort and encouragement in God's Word. Show yourself and your family what real courage is. It's to live on trusting the Lord despite your circumstances. Your faith is displayed and made real by giving your heart to God knowing it is really all in his hands.  I say this with conviction having experienced some mighty painful trials in my own life.  I will also pray for you. 

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Been praying for you, Trace.

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I have been praying for you Trace.    Please let us know how you are doing.

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@TraceMalin, I'm still praying for you, Brother, and missing your input here on the forums.

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