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DustyRoad

Predestination

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Through writing portions of my testimony here on the Worthy forums I come again to that place where my understanding falls off a cliff: why did God choose me?

I've shared how I started struggling with suicidal ideations not long after my 11th birthday --- that year marked my entry into adolescence and my first attempt at suicide. Over the next 38 years I tried to take my life on a number of other occasions; as I aged these attempts improved in efficacy but as it's plain for all to read, I'm still here by the grace of God. Even when I didn't know the Lord, he knew me. 

I joined the U.S. Army in the hope that I might die in war but after the 2nd year of my four-year enlistment, it was apparent this was denied to me as well. I was the only soldier on a flight of over a hundred souls who wasn't sent to Tent City when I arrived in Frankfurt, Germany. I didn't deploy to the Gulf. I was locked into an assignment at an obscure Army post which supported a NATO nuclear weapon storage facility; it was in the middle of proverbial nowhere close to the border with France. Even when a miracle occurred and the choppers evacuated all of the nukes from the now-defunct facility, I couldn't go anywhere because I had less than a year left in the service. I couldn't volunteer to deploy to Turkey because I was a short-timer; I was sent back to the continental United States in mid '92 where I served the remainder of my time in. I left the service in early 1993 intact.  

I desperately sought to overcome the hedge that God placed around me to no avail. Even others were denied the opportunity to take my life! I should have been killed that day when my father proudly displayed his latest rifle to me. Unbeknownst to all this weapon was loaded and subsequently the chambered round fired when the muzzle was pointed in my general direction. It was over in an instant but I stood there unfazed, consoling my father who was beside himself with grief. 

I thought it was over two years ago but here I am. Those who read my testimony aren't the only ones who struggle with it. I struggle with it, too.

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I struggle with it too. Only God truly knows our hearts and there is a reason he chose you. If you trust in God, you have to trust He loves you unconditionally. He created you and has known you before anything existed. We'll never know everything while on this Earth, but we'll have all our answers once we reunite with God. I hope this helps a bit.  God bless.

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38 minutes ago, ohso said:

I struggle with it too. Only God truly knows our hearts and there is a reason he chose you. If you trust in God, you have to trust He loves you unconditionally. He created you and has known you before anything existed. We'll never know everything while on this Earth, but we'll have all our answers once we reunite with God. I hope this helps a bit.  God bless.

Your response complements what someone else wrote very well, ohso. Here's what keeps astonishing me: God answers my prayers. The Lord speaks to us in many ways and I'm blessed to recognize God's words whenever I encounter them. :)

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Posted (edited)

I thought it more appropriate to address my struggle with predestination separately from the other thread. When I was in my flesh I struggled with the guilt of the survivor: while roughly 50% of all suicides in the United States are committed using firearms, only 6% of suicide attempts involve their use. What are the odds that I would find myself in that six percent on more than one occasion?

I realized that God was the only reason I survived all these years and was terrified out of my mind for some time. A good long while, actually. It would hit me at random moments and I would find it necessary to sit down and steady myself. God has this effect on me, I'm afraid.

Bear in mind that I'm writing about a time which preceded my birth in Spirit so this doesn't reflect the reality I live with today. I was greatly perplexed and astonished by the Lord delivering me from death with a mighty hand. He did this even though I abandoned and denied Him! Christ never denied nor abandoned his plans for me. 

I'm still troubled whenever I see God's chosen enduring assault or trial, having been a trespasser and of no account myself. I remember how Almighty God was moved for my sake, a man who didn't deserve his gift and blessing and I pray for him to be moved for the sake of those who are more deserving than I was. Those who suffer shame me by their godly example, demonstrating all that is good and worthwhile in this world of the last days. You are the salt of the Earth, predestined and chosen to be pillars in the temple of our God.

 

Edited by DustyRoad

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I rejoice in the Lords plan for you, Dusty.

We will meet one day and praise Him together as one.

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Dusty,  

I think your life and testimony shows all of us that  no matter what plans we make, God can thwart our determined purposes for His glory, His Will and His eternal good. I know you are currently taking care of a someone who is quite ill and recently had surgery for some years now. If you were not here, I wonder who would have had a hand in helping this person(s) survive with their health issues and everything else you do for them. I don't doubt that you are indispensable to them and vice versa. Just thought I would post these thoughts I had. God obviously loves you very much and has saved you from harming yourself. I can see that.

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@DustyRoad

Thank you for sharing your story.  I very much appreciate hearing how each person has progressed through life.  And I look forward to rejoicing with you when our journeys on this world are over.

You titled this predestination and you are marvelling at the hand of God in your life.  I enjoy seeing such things.  I know a man personally that was unable to continue facing all the destruction of this life, loaded his gun, put it against his head and pulled the trigger: nothing.  He pulled the hammer back and did it again: nothing.  He pulled the hammer back and aimed across the room: bang.  He, like you, decided God had stopped him.  I think God did and I am glad because I love that man. 

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Since we are talking about suicide:

I see posts come in from people that sound like they are doing that last search for a reason not to.

They get the normal list of verses and encouragement.  I sometimes put my thoughts in, which may very well be useless as I don't know their situations, and even if I did, some empty words are useless unless the SPirit of God intervenes.

It concerns me when they do not log in anymore.

God have mercy.

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1 hour ago, lftc said:

I know a man personally that was unable to continue facing all the destruction of this life, loaded his gun, put it against his head and pulled the trigger: nothing.  He pulled the hammer back and did it again: nothing.  He pulled the hammer back and aimed across the room: bang.  He, like you, decided God had stopped him.  I think God did and I am glad because I love that man. 

I had no idea, lftc. I've been sitting here wordless because I'm not sure how to respond to this on a forum. If we were face to face I'd request the honor of washing your feet. That's not possible here, friend.

I can only be there in spirit and I remember you in my prayers. You bear a burden similar to my elder brother in the Lord. He knows the fullness, which can be defined as "that which I don't speak nor write about." It's a terrible thing to bear. 

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1 hour ago, lftc said:

Since we are talking about suicide:

I see posts come in from people that sound like they are doing that last search for a reason not to.

They get the normal list of verses and encouragement.  I sometimes put my thoughts in, which may very well be useless as I don't know their situations, and even if I did, some empty words are useless unless the SPirit of God intervenes.

It concerns me when they do not log in anymore.

God have mercy.

I find myself without words again. I pray that I articulate the following faithfully.

Let's not worry about those who pass on because they're in the Lord's hands. Let's concern ourselves with what we can do right now, while we're living, during this time our Father gave to us before we were born. You've done all that's possible for you to do and you did it in good faith. Your words weren't empty!

Let's remember there's many reasons why someone no longer visits Worthy. If God doesn't reveal that reason to us how are we supposed to know? 

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