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ohso

Kindness, truth, wisdom and not being judgemental, how to manage them all?

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I have been praying about this, but still I'm struggling with this for a long time. I don't understand how can you speak the truth without sounding to the other side as having an opinion that is judgemental? How can I be kind if I speak the truth to help someone, but at the same that truth hurts the other person? How can I be wise and truthful, because doesn't wisdom sometimes includes manipulation, like not saying everything that's on your mind to someone? 

I'm really having difficulties with this four things: kindness, truth, wisdom and not being judgemental. I am making wrong choices with these virtues and it's been damaging relationships with people around me. I made so many mistakes and sins for which I repent, but it keeps on happening. I have good intentions but it all manifests into evil at the end. I would appreciate some insight. I do read the Bible, but I really don't understand because I only see this as contradicting parts unfortunately.

Thank you and God bless.

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We are not perfect. Many might seem to be, but only God is perfect.

I'm sure a good number, if not all of us, have before sought perfection in ourselves. In our manner, our dress, our behavior, our words... It doesn't work. People who mess up and hurt themselves as punishment. People who pull their hairs out worrying. Who knows what else.

Leave it to God. This is faith. You can't rely on yourself. You pray. You pray that the wisdom and words come to you. You pray that, as you read, the words are laid up and the knowledge therein is revealed. You pray for the strength to be honest, even when that honesty seems inadvisable. The list goes on, but it's the same idea. Rely on God, not yourself.

 

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1 hour ago, ohso said:

I have been praying about this, but still I'm struggling with this for a long time. I don't understand how can you speak the truth without sounding to the other side as having an opinion that is judgemental? How can I be kind if I speak the truth to help someone, but at the same that truth hurts the other person? How can I be wise and truthful, because doesn't wisdom sometimes includes manipulation, like not saying everything that's on your mind to someone? 

I'm really having difficulties with this four things: kindness, truth, wisdom and not being judgemental. I am making wrong choices with these virtues and it's been damaging relationships with people around me. I made so many mistakes and sins for which I repent, but it keeps on happening. I have good intentions but it all manifests into evil at the end. I would appreciate some insight. I do read the Bible, but I really don't understand because I only see this as contradicting parts unfortunately.

Thank you and God bless.

What comes to my mind as I read your post was that maybe you are looking at certain things through a microscope, rather than looking at the big picture. Love the Lord with all your heart, mind, and soul, and love your neighbor as yourself. Those are the only two rules. Everything else is just meant to clarify those two rules. Focus on the two rules.

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If you are having trouble with being perceived as unkind or judgmental with those around you, try to watch how you speak to others.   Try to be loving when you must disagree with someone.   The way we state something can often help avoid arguments or hurting others.

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10 hours ago, ohso said:

I have been praying about this, but still I'm struggling with this for a long time. I don't understand how can you speak the truth without sounding to the other side as having an opinion that is judgemental? How can I be kind if I speak the truth to help someone, but at the same that truth hurts the other person? How can I be wise and truthful, because doesn't wisdom sometimes includes manipulation, like not saying everything that's on your mind to someone? 

I'm really having difficulties with this four things: kindness, truth, wisdom and not being judgemental. I am making wrong choices with these virtues and it's been damaging relationships with people around me. I made so many mistakes and sins for which I repent, but it keeps on happening. I have good intentions but it all manifests into evil at the end. I would appreciate some insight. I do read the Bible, but I really don't understand because I only see this as contradicting parts unfortunately.

Thank you and God bless.

You need to genuinely ask Jesus Christ into your life to be your Lord and Savior. You need to give Him total control of your life. You need to ask God to mold you into the person He wants you to be. 

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If one has an opinion that is different from someone elses opinion and it is critical then it is judgemental. Jesus never told us Not to make a judgement.

He told us to make a RIGHT judgement and to be prepared to be judged by what ever standards we use on others.

So solong as you are being truthfull and are as gentle and kind in any judgemental comments you make, you are obeying Jesus.

 

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12 hours ago, ohso said:

I have been praying about this, but still I'm struggling with this for a long time. I don't understand how can you speak the truth without sounding to the other side as having an opinion that is judgemental? How can I be kind if I speak the truth to help someone, but at the same that truth hurts the other person? How can I be wise and truthful, because doesn't wisdom sometimes includes manipulation, like not saying everything that's on your mind to someone? 

I'm really having difficulties with this four things: kindness, truth, wisdom and not being judgemental. I am making wrong choices with these virtues and it's been damaging relationships with people around me. I made so many mistakes and sins for which I repent, but it keeps on happening. I have good intentions but it all manifests into evil at the end. I would appreciate some insight. I do read the Bible, but I really don't understand because I only see this as contradicting parts unfortunately.

Thank you and God bless.

We're bound to make mistakes, sometimes even a lot of them. Keep at it. One thing I'll point out is that sometimes it's necessary for us to speak out, and as the world grows more corrupt it's increasingly necessary. Jesus certainly didn't care about appearing judgmental when he drove the moneylenders out of the temple. With that out of the way, if you feel a need to put something delicately it can help to phrase things as a question rather than a statement. There are a lot of speaking techniques like that and softening statements that can take the edge off of a given sentence. Work with your strengths, because it takes all sorts in the body of Christ. Some people at some times are going to be more receptive to a soft or indirect statement and others are going to need a stronger approach.

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@ohso Here is some advice gleaned from my lifetime of flawless communication:

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Now that you have read those, here are some thoughts as I fight the same battle as you:

Love. As pointed out in a previous post.   
Read 1 COrinthians 13 every day.  Before you speak, weigh your words against that standard.   Actually, weigh your motives against that standard. Then if you still have something that needs saying, weigh the words.  Here are a couple parts that get me a lot: 
- Love believes all things.  I take this to mean "believes the best possible angle in every situation" - hard to do.
- Keeps no record of wrongs done (NIV).  Am I thinking about saying something to someone because of my built in need to bring out the wrong things other people have done? If so, it probably should not be said. - this one is extremely difficult.

I remember that God has a huge list of the things I've done wrong.  Except he Loves me.  And he wrote the 1 Corinthians 13 thing through Paul.  Which means he does not have a huge list.  Or even a small list.   These types of contradictions help us slowly change our thinking to understand his Grace.

the list goes on.  But the excersize of applying love is a great daily learning experience.

Once you master it,  post back and tell me how to do it.  Please.

 

Edited by lftc
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On 10/8/2019 at 3:32 PM, ohso said:

I have been praying about this, but still I'm struggling with this for a long time. I don't understand how can you speak the truth without sounding to the other side as having an opinion that is judgemental? How can I be kind if I speak the truth to help someone, but at the same that truth hurts the other person? How can I be wise and truthful, because doesn't wisdom sometimes includes manipulation, like not saying everything that's on your mind to someone? 

I'm really having difficulties with this four things: kindness, truth, wisdom and not being judgemental. I am making wrong choices with these virtues and it's been damaging relationships with people around me. I made so many mistakes and sins for which I repent, but it keeps on happening. I have good intentions but it all manifests into evil at the end. I would appreciate some insight. I do read the Bible, but I really don't understand because I only see this as contradicting parts unfortunately.

Thank you and God bless.

I think your thoughts are good thoughts, and they merit a certain amount of self-reflection Christians should have. I struggle with these ideas as well, and the only way to get better at them is to practice them through the lens of Christ; Jesus gets it right the first time every time, but we stumble and fall repeatedly, learning as we become wiser. It is hard to slap a child's hand away from the fire when we know he will cry out in pain. The difference to the child however is that the slap may hurt him, but unlike the fire, it will not harm him. The Christian knows what God desires, and that is to take the slights, discourteousness, and messy interactions we have with one another. Jesus had every right given to him, but he gave all of them up to be wronged---and he was wronged plenty. But he did not ever stop loving us.

Even more than our fumbling, outward displays of sharing what we believe to be true is the far worse chilling thought of pretending to be concerned about someone when under the breath knowing it is not the real intention at all, and yet convincing an individual it is. It is disingenuous, deceitful, and far more hurtful, IMO, and is why the Word tells us,"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."  Proverbs 27:6 (NIV)

It is a great kindness that may at first be unwanted, but later is seen as the most loving thing to do: "Speak the truth, in love."

 

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Hi Ohso,

I've learned (from my own past mistakes) that the way my face expressions, tone of voice go a long way in how I come across in communicating with others.  Maybe it can be the choice of words used and/or consider the other person's viewpoint as much as you can. What you can't do is control how that person will react or respond to what you have to say. Some people may just not want to hear what you have to say and will take it as being judgmental no matter how loving and carefully you said it. The important thing is God sees your heart and motives. Continue in your prayers for wisdom, kindness and truth.

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