Brink of Divorce

[EliStrength]

I'll try to make this short. My husband an I are both 34 and married when we were 20. I saw all the warning signs before we married but I was running from issues at home. Growing up my parents constantly had physical fights which often resulted in us kids getting involved in the fights to stop them from killing each other. I was then raped from the age of 12-16 from a family friend who nobody believed me because he was so respected. As you can tell I've suffered alot trying to cope with my childhood.

Before marriage I saw that my husband had anger issues; breaking items, punching holes in walls and even cursing at his parents. I went ahead with it because it meant leaving my parents house. After marriage we both got jobs and I finished getting my Bachelors degree. After 1 year of marriage my husband quit his job because it wasn't what he wanted to do. I was understanding, but he went on to playing video games all day with his cousins while I struggled to pay all the Bills, complete house work and cook once I got off from work. I then went back to school for my Masters which I received just as the recession started. I then lost my job, I was the only one struggling to give blood, had to sell my wedding ring to keep a roof over our heads. During this time my husband did not care, he didnt want any menial job. I finally landed a job but it required us to move cross country, I told him not to follow if he will continue on the same path, he promised he would change. During this time my husband didn't, take me anywhere, celebrate my birth, anniversaries, absolutely nothing. So we moved to California, things were looking better, he got a job and I for pregnant. Before I was even 8 months pregnant he quits the job because he didnt like his coworkers. Once again I'm left to handle all the Bill's. We then started having heated arguments where in a few occasions he has choked, slapped and punch me. Ive replaced ao many televisions, phones etc that he has damaged. Even had to pay $1800 in damages to an apartment because he kicked holes in the doors and walls. He calls me every name in the book and blames me for everything. Still I stayed because I wanted to honor my marriage plus this was all I knew from my parents marriage. I've paid for him to go to so many school, certification classes yet he wasted all the money. Finally, he got his CDL license, got a job and then quits it. He's not a hands on father, doesnt go out as a family, I do all the disciplining of our child. He wont go to anger management or marriage counseling. I honestly have no good times of our marriage. Our child has medical issues, one of the surgeries he didnt attend because he saidd he hated hospitals leaving me to wait in the waiting room by myself sobbing. Our child has also had about 80 doctor appointments which I have been blessed to take him, but my husband simply doesn't feel like attending. I feel like a single mother. I take my child to school, go to work, pick up child, get home to clean and cook and then do it again the next day. He has no responsibilities, and when I do bring anything up it ends up in a major argument. I've honestly stopped mentioning anything in the past 3 years. My husband plays video games all night and then sleeps during the daytime. His mom supports him by giving him money every month. He simply believes most jobs are beneath him, and is willing to let me struggle to handle everything. There is no compromising with him, he never considers my feelings. If he doesn't want to do something then that's the end of the conversation. I dont share any of my Hope's and dreams with him, because I no longer feel comfortable with him.

I nearly had a mental breakdown last year and told him I cant do this anymore. We separated with my husband leaving. Because he's angry at me for making him leave, he refuses to have contact with our child. How could any man walk away from their own child? I once put our child on the phone to talk to him and he hung up the phone, I've grown so resentful of him. I am a born again Christian and have a hard time walking away, but it's so hard being in a marriage by yourself. I feel as if my husband has abandoned our marriage years ago but I dont want God to be angry at me. Any advice?

I'm new to this forum, how do I respond to answers? Since I'm a newbie it appears as if I can't respond to any of the replies but I want to say thank you all for the words of encouragement.

Edited October 15, 2019 by EliStrength
Details

[Debp]

28 minutes ago, EliStrength said:

We seperated with my husband leaving.

He left you so you are no longer under obligation to him.   The Bible only says to stay with an unbeliever who is willing to remain with you.   See 1 Corinthians 7:15.

This might help as well...

https://www.gotquestions.org/abuse-divorce.html

[wingnut-]

There really isn't anything you can do about his behavior, just make sure that you keep yours in line with God's will and restrain yourself from emotional responses.  Particularly involving your son, I am sure you have heard or know this, but just a reminder that it is in your best interest to never speak ill of his father to him.  No matter what he does.

Pray a lot, lean on the Lord, you have a long road of recovery ahead of you.  Find comfort and strength from those you can truly trust, and guard against ever finding yourself in that position again.  As one who has experienced a similar marriage situation, this is the best advice I can offer.  Praying for you and your son, God bless.

[missmuffet]

3 hours ago, EliStrength said:

I'll try to make this short. My husband an I are both 34 and married when we were 20. I saw all the warning signs before we married but I was running from issues at home. Growing up my parents constantly had physical fights which often resulted in us kids getting involved in the fights to stop them from killing each other. I was then raped from the age of 12-16 from a family friend who nobody believed me because he was so respected. As you can tell I've suffered alot trying to cope with my childhood.

Before marriage I saw that my husband had anger issues; breaking items, punching holes in walls and even cursing at his parents. I went ahead with it because it meant leaving my parents house. After marriage we both got jobs and I finished getting my Bachelors degree. After 1 year of marriage my husband quit his job because it wasn't what he wanted to do. I was understanding, but he went on to playing video games all day with his cousins while I struggled to pay all the Bills, complete house work and cook once I got off from work. I then went back to school for my Masters which I received just as the recession started. I then lost my job, I was the only one struggling to give blood, had to sell my wedding ring to keep a roof over our heads. During this time my husband did not care, he didnt want any menial job. I finally landed a job but it required us to move cross country, I told him not to follow if he will continue on the same path, he promised he would change. During this time my husband didn't, take me anywhere, celebrate my birth, anniversaries, absolutely nothing. So we moved to California, things were looking better, he got a job and I for pregnant. Before I was even 8 months pregnant he quits the job because he didnt like his coworkers. Once again I'm left to handle all the Bill's. We then started having heated arguments where in a few occasions he has choked, slapped and punch me. Ive replaced ao many televisions, phones etc that he has damaged. Even had to pay $1800 in damages to an apartment because he kicked holes in the doors and walls. He calls me every name in the book and blames me for everything. Still I stayed because I wanted to honor my marriage plus this was all I knew from my parents marriage. I've paid for him to go to so many school, certification classes yet he wasted all the money. Finally, he got his CDL license, got a job and then quits it. He's not a hands on father, doesnt go out as a family, I do all the disciplining of our child. He wont go to anger management or marriage counseling. I honestly have no good times of our marriage. Our child has medical issues, one of the surgeries he didnt attend because he ssid hehated hospitals leaving me to wait in the waiting room by myself sobbing. Our child has also had about 80 doctor appointments which I have been blessed to take him, but my husband simply doesn't feel like attending. I feel like a single mother. I take my child to school, go to work, pick up child, get home to clean and cook and then do it again the next day. He has no responsibilities, and when I do bring anything up it ends up in a major argument. I've honestly stopped mentioning anything in the past 3 years. My husband plays video games all night and then sleeps during the daytime. His mom supports him by giving him money every month. He simply believes most jobs are beneath him, and is willing to let me struggle to handle everything. There is no compromising with him, he never considers my feelings. If he doesn't want to do something then that's the end of the conversation. I dont share any of my Hope's and dreams with him, because I no longer feel comfortable with him.

I nearly had a mental breakdown last year and told him I cant do this anymore. We seperated with my husband leaving. Because he's angry at me for making him leave, he refuses to have contact with our child. How could any man walk away from their own child? I once put our child on the phone to talk to him and he hung up the phone, I've grown so resentful of him. I am a born again Christian and have a hard time walking away, but it's so hard being in a marriage by yourself. I feel as if my husband has abandoned our marriage years ago but I dont want God to be angry at me. Any advice?

First of all you married the wrong guy. Your husband left being an unbeliever and you said you are a born again Christian. Let him go. Your son is not seeing a good influence from him as a father. You need to pray and ask God to guide you and direct your path in the situation you are in. God is with you and your son. Sit back and let God have 100% control of your life.

[BeauJangles]

9 hours ago, EliStrength said:

I'm new to this forum, how do I respond to answers?

Hello sister, 

Welcome to the Worthy Christian Forums. I'm so very sorry for the unfortunate childhood and marriage experiences you've had to endure. From what has been expressed in the anguished message submitted, it would appear you did wed the wrong person for the wrong reasons. These things do happen, but you can go on forward from making some serious mistakes. 

I hope now that you're here and settled in California, you could find a body of born again believers like yourself. Support in the faith is important, and your son also needs some positive influence that school can seriously be lacking. Many of us here have also had some heart breaking marriages that have failed. But it certainly isn't a failure on your behalf, in my opinion.

Praying for you and your husband also. You can remain separated until making further decisions. You need healing from all the trauma, and it's probably premature to undertake anything else at this point in time. To reply, just click on the last box here after all the other responses, and type whatever is also on your heart. God bless you as you continue seeking after Him. 

Shalom, 

David/BeauJangles 

[Who me]

We all make mistakes in life, some times they are more disastrous than other peoples mistakes.

God is gracous he doesn't hold our screw ups against us.

As beaujangles has said, find a Christian church who will support you and take the time to heal.

Your priorities are to support yourself and your child and to give him a good Christian upbringing so he doesn't repeat the mistakes of his parents.

That and to keep that jerk out of your life.

( conditions for him returning. His is in work, has worked and got promoted , has no debts and can prove he can control his temper, is a piller of a church and has reformed.)

Unlikely .