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The devil seeks to provoke me to wrath, assaulting me with mindless rage.
The landscape has turned into a quagmire.
I have no friends in this world.
The lady knows something is amiss but I have to put on a happy face for her sake since part of what I do out here is look after her and keep her company...

But I'm poor company because the storm has somehow returned and now this has become a time to hide and be alone. Things which I thought were long gone come back and so I have to live through them again … and again … and again in cycle that drains me to sleepless exhaustion. I took a risk by sharing the truth because it never fails to pull something out of me to do it, but I wasn't expecting such retaliation in the wake of doing it.

No matter because the Lord gives and he takes … but I'm not concerned for my sake now. I worry for her sake and I've been praying that the Lord send this lady someone of worth who can take care of her more competently because things are starting to look very familiar to my eyes. Sleep is starting to become scarce and I'm so thankful that all of the year's labor projects are wrapped up because I'm feeling ill again. I pray that the Lord answers my prayer and sends someone the lady can trust, and soon.

As soon as the Lord sends someone trustworthy to be with her, I'm disappearing from the face of this earth. I can't take this world another day.

 

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No matter where you go or what you say, there will always be someone somewhere who will cause you grief about your words or actions.  That is the nature of man.  They must tear you down so they can build themselves up.  Pray for them as they need it.

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28 minutes ago, OneLight said:

No matter where you go or what you say, there will always be someone somewhere who will cause you grief about your words or actions.  That is the nature of man.  They must tear you down so they can build themselves up.  Pray for them as they need it.

I understand, but that's not what I'm going through brother. It's PTSD, which I thought was gone. I was very mistaken about that.

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Thank you for clarifying.  PTSD is a like a demon who, once faced, backs away waiting for a time they can blind side you once again.  In country?

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Thanks for the concern, OneLight. 

This forum is the only contact I have with others. If I let this go (I'm struggling with that) then it's going to become much more difficult to fight against catatonia, which is what happens when it's too much for me to handle and I shut down for lengthy periods of time. I can go through these traumatic experiences only so many times before I start losing the ability to eat, sleep, and function. 

The timing of this has me reeling. Why is this happening now? The lady I assist and live with is having a difficult time and she needs me. I pray to remain strong for her sake because she needs me, but I'm noticing all the old signs. I haven't forgotten what it was like to slowly starve while siting motionless in a chair. This is draining me and that's where it leads: catatonia.  

 

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3 hours ago, DustyRoad said:

The lady knows something is amiss but I have to put on a happy face for her sake since part of what I do out here is look after her and keep her company...

Hi Dusty, 

I’m sorry I’m not familiar with your situation, but when you say “lady” are you talking about your wife? If so, I would tell her that your PTSD has been triggered. I understand not wanting to burden her with it, but in the end it will help you.

Do you know what makes you feel better? Some people need to avoid triggers and not talk about the pain that caused the PTSD, and some need to talk about it over and over again. If you are someone that experiences a bit of healing from talking about it, then you should tell her that you’re experiencing pain again and need someone to listen. Don’t pass the pain unto others by committing suicide.

I also think the PTSD will always be there to a certain degree but it can lessen overtime. I know what you mean by thinking it was over but then it comes back. Try to keep track of it to see if something is triggering it. I think this episode will pass. You have to be proactive and find ways to distract yourself with things(learn some coping skills) that make you happy while also talking to others when it rears it’s ugly head. 

I will be praying for you.

p.s. I know a lot of people get worse in the Winter so I wonder if that’s why it’s coming back now.

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No. I stay with an elderly woman who is battling cancer and I look after her (prepare meals, help manage her property and livestock, etc.). She has no one else in this world which is why I'm troubled about the return of symptoms which were killing me two years ago (God saved my life). I'm praying that the Lord provide for her because I'm not feeling well and things are getting worse. The Lord gives and he takes --- I'm only here because God made that possible --- but who says I'm supposed to lead a pain-free, trouble-less life? 

I pray for our Father to send someone to take my place, and soon. I don't know what will happen to her if God doesn't take care of her. 

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Brother, you mention letting Worthy go but also say it's your only connection to others. Please stay. Let us, your brothers and sisters in Christ, come along side of you and walk with you THROUGH this battle. Prayers for you! 

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; He hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised." Luke 4:18

I don't know what you've endured in this life but I do know the One who's come to heal and deliver - I know you know Him too. Don't forget that He ever fights on your behalf. 

Be blessed!

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13 hours ago, ReneeIW said:

Hi Dusty, 

I’m sorry I’m not familiar with your situation, but when you say “lady” are you talking about your wife? If so, I would tell her that your PTSD has been triggered. I understand not wanting to burden her with it, but in the end it will help you.

Do you know what makes you feel better? Some people need to avoid triggers and not talk about the pain that caused the PTSD, and some need to talk about it over and over again. If you are someone that experiences a bit of healing from talking about it, then you should tell her that you’re experiencing pain again and need someone to listen. Don’t pass the pain unto others by committing suicide.

I also think the PTSD will always be there to a certain degree but it can lessen overtime. I know what you mean by thinking it was over but then it comes back. Try to keep track of it to see if something is triggering it. I think this episode will pass. You have to be proactive and find ways to distract yourself with things(learn some coping skills) that make you happy while also talking to others when it rears it’s ugly head. 

I will be praying for you.

p.s. I know a lot of people get worse in the Winter so I wonder if that’s why it’s coming back now.

I know what's going on, Renee. This is the place where God led me and now that I'm here, it's time to die all over again. And again, and again and again until it bankrupts me and leaves me begging for the end. I brought this upon myself when I chose to recount my testimony because this is a dark world where hearts run cold and only a handful believe the Lord's report. I'm the latter but not by my election; our God chose me and intended for me to face this for the sake of the woman I fondly refer to as "the lady" because that's what she is to me. If someone somewhere in this world is struggling and they learn of the love of the Lord and his esteem for her and the kindness she showed to his servant --- I give my life for her --- then surely they'll know that anything is possible for Jesus Christ even in this wicked world of men.

I've stricken key portions of my testimony from the record since the time for that is over now. I'll get around to requesting moderator deletion of those threads since they're voided (no point in leaving them up). I did what was expected of me but it's not fading away. I'm scared and so I continue to pray for the Lord to send a servant to care for this wonderfully generous but needy woman because I've been waking up sick to my stomach for several days now. The nausea persists all day and so I pass on food until the evening when I eat something because I know I ought to. 

This is how it happened last time. Why should the Lord save me from this again? He did before but clearly I have failed him. I'll make one last confession by telling you what ruined me the last time I was dying: knowing that she'll be alone in this world when I'm gone. She has no one left at all. Whatever I have for her the Lord gave to me, but now he's very clearly taking it away and all I can do is pray for her without ceasing. I don't know what to do!

Do I leave now to spare her from watching me die again, or do I stay and die in front of her eyes? This is Satan's victory because there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop this from taking place. Nothing stops it. 

 

 

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I have been, and I will continue to keep you in prayer.My track record in regard to answered prayers is stellar....keep the Faith...."Blessed Men GO THROGH valleys of weeping”.......the key words there are GO THROUGH! You are living out the very reason God created us- to do good works! How can God not bless you?

 

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