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Losing hope

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I’m beginning to lose hope in myself, although my hope is in the Lord, I believe that I’ve wronged him too many times now to be forgiven. 

Let me explain to you why:

1.) I don’t recognize the Holy Spirit in me anymore. Everything in me feels evil, evil, evil.

2.) I believe the day I lost the Holy Spirit was the same week I had a psychotic crisis that ended me up in the hospital and psych ward. 

3.) I don’t think that I just backslid but that I committed the sin of blasphemy of the Holy  Spirit. I think that I am an apostate.

4.) I feel hateful and suicidal. I’m emotionally lost, I don’t know what I’m feeling but it sure is a great deal of pain. I’m hurting - and I’m sad that I don’t feel God’s presence anymore. 

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Shalom leaps,

Be sure to also post your prayer request with our Worthy Prayer Team.    Simply click on the Worthy Prayer Team link, and click login and submit your prayer request!  It's that simple!

God bless,

George

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24 minutes ago, leaps said:

I’m beginning to lose hope in myself, although my hope is in the Lord, I believe that I’ve wronged him too many times now to be forgiven. 

Let me explain to you why:

1.) I don’t recognize the Holy Spirit in me anymore. Everything in me feels evil, evil, evil.

2.) I believe the day I lost the Holy Spirit was the same week I had a psychotic crisis that ended me up in the hospital and psych ward. 

3.) I don’t think that I just backslid but that I committed the sin of blasphemy of the Holy  Spirit. I think that I am an apostate.

4.) I feel hateful and suicidal. I’m emotionally lost, I don’t know what I’m feeling but it sure is a great deal of pain. I’m hurting - and I’m sad that I don’t feel God’s presence anymore. 

I'm so grateful that I'm here to see this, @leaps. I've been low on this night that never seems to end because it's coming to me all over again, even after my brothers and sisters and God himself lifted me up so high! Here I am again and it doesn't stop. I have to live through it again tonight until my eyes are swollen shut and I sit motionless in this chair just like I did day after day for years while I faded away from life. PTSD isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

I thought God abandoned me, too. Surely I had failed him again --- this was what I told myself, leaps. He despised me and I was such a wretched thing who turned away from Christ and sinned greatly!

This isn't the case at all, my friend. Are you convinced that the Lord has no regard for your torment and affliction, dear one?

For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; Nor has He hidden His face from him; But when he cried to Him for help, He heard. (Psalm 22:24)  

I know all too well what it's like struggling against suicidal ideations. If I know and understand, leaps, then how much more does our Father in heaven know and understand? More than both of us combined!

I'm praying for you dear one. You are neither detestable nor an apostate! Are you struggling against suicidal thoughts right now? If you are then I know where you can go to get help online right away. 

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I feel similar to you and struggle through each painful day trying to understand how to get better. I’ve begun writing prayers and poems to Jesus in order to express and cope as I find it very difficult to pray. My situation is very complicated but the hardest part is how alone I feel at times inside in torment from demons. The evil inside and around me at times causes me to feel so preoccupied with battling its evil thoughts and tormenting emotions that I struggle to function with everyday life. I’ve lost the woman I chose to marry and many friends and nearly ended up homeless through a nervous breakdown in depression and anxiety and could go on and on.

I write to let you know that you are not alone as I feel I understand what you’re going through but we must choose to not give up as hopefully soon our time off healing will come soon. 

Ecclesiastes 3:3 King James Version (KJV)

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

Edited by Bee32
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Praying for all who feel this attack from old hairy legs May God give you the strength to REST in His LOVE .. It is NOT easy to cast all your fears at the foot of the cross but if you keep trying to find good in yourself you will never get there THAT is the grace of God that HE finds good and worth in all of us no matter how ugly we feel inside Don't try looking in a mirror just look to JESUS and TRUST  If you truly  were not  of Gods children then you would NOT feel worthless as the evil one wants you to feel great as long as you DONT look to God or trust in His son that way you would never know you were lost till it was too late REJOICE that you feel lost because our saviour came to save such as you ( and I ) :th_praying::heart:

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Sister leaps, you have not committed the unpardonable sin.  Please know that. 

Beloved, pray with David in the psalm below…and then dry your tears, pick yourself up and press on…  Oh LORD, bless this one with understanding and courage.  Let it be so in Jesus’ most precious name.  Amen.

Psalm 51 King James Version (KJV)

51 Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.:emot-heartbeat:

Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.

For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.

Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.

Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.

Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.

Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.:emot-heartbeat:

12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.

13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.

15 O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.

16 For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.:emot-heartbeat:

971D6B15-BF02-4518-B275-487861F40F1D.gif.08a57cb3b31fdceb57ae9d9a4bcc187a.gif 

 

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5 hours ago, leaps said:

I’m beginning to lose hope in myself, although my hope is in the Lord, I believe that I’ve wronged him too many times now to be forgiven. 

Let me explain to you why:

1.) I don’t recognize the Holy Spirit in me anymore. Everything in me feels evil, evil, evil.

2.) I believe the day I lost the Holy Spirit was the same week I had a psychotic crisis that ended me up in the hospital and psych ward. 

3.) I don’t think that I just backslid but that I committed the sin of blasphemy of the Holy  Spirit. I think that I am an apostate.

4.) I feel hateful and suicidal. I’m emotionally lost, I don’t know what I’m feeling but it sure is a great deal of pain. I’m hurting - and I’m sad that I don’t feel God’s presence anymore. 

Ahh Leaps, our relationship with Jesus is not based upon how we feel. Imagine Job or King David, or John the Baptist getting the axe. They felt horrible, but ultimately rested in the fact that they were not being brought into the Kingdom by how they felt or how they behaved. Jesus gave you a gift. From now on, stop looking to yourself and your unworthiness, but to Jesus and his worthiness. Get your eyes off yourself. You cannot earn your salvation no matter what you do. He gave you His Robe of Righteousness to wear---always---even on your worst day! God bless you sister.

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9 hours ago, ladypeartree said:

Praying for all who feel this attack from old hairy legs May God give you the strength to REST in His LOVE .. It is NOT easy to cast all your fears at the foot of the cross but if you keep trying to find good in yourself you will never get there THAT is the grace of God that HE finds good and worth in all of us no matter how ugly we feel inside Don't try looking in a mirror just look to JESUS and TRUST  If you truly  were not  of Gods children then you would NOT feel worthless as the evil one wants you to feel great as long as you DONT look to God or trust in His son that way you would never know you were lost till it was too late REJOICE that you feel lost because our saviour came to save such as you ( and I ) :th_praying::heart:

I love your nickname for him: old hairy legs. Makes me think about spiders. Hate them so much. What is one of my earliest memories, still very clear, was my encounter with an African Bird Spider.  Tarantula so big it eats spiders. It was on steps going inside house.  I thought it was a toy at first.  Grandma put an end to its existence. And what a great surprise it was when my best friend who was visiting me when I was on phone with her, and talked to grandma first and last time (grandma died after that) told me a story grandma told her. Not sure of my age at that time, but predates first memory.  Anyway, I asked grandma where everything came from.  Hugh surprise as I figured kids that age would not ask such a question.  So then grandma told me about God.  Again even a believer most likely would have said I'm too young to understand.  Solved mystery of why I used to tell people I was born knowing God.

Spider still a bit of a mystery.  Although not found where we were in USA at that time, neighbors who were missionaries where such things exist had just returned. Probably snuck in with their luggage.

🕷👶   🕷🧹👵

Now I do this.🕷:runforhills:

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