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Melinda12

Guilt

Question

Hi

I like to help. I wish to be a good Christian. 

I have a friend who is getting very frail. But increasingly i found myself at hospital when she fell, taking her to and from everywhere as she is pretty helpless. Lovely person. 

I alerted her family several times to say they need to step in and take responsibility for their mother but they ignored my letters. I told them she is developing dementia too.They live very far away and appear not to care. 

I have now had to stop all i do for her. I am angry at their callous disregard for her. If i keep doing things for her, they will let me! They arw treating me as a fool and taking full advantage. 

My own parents have become very frail this year and now i focus on them. I have no energy or time to spare. My mother is very ill now. I also must take care of my husband and home. 

I feel really guilty but i have stopped being her friend almost completely, in order to force her family to do their duty. I got exhausted. But i feel so guilty. Social services must step in if she gets ill or falls again. 

Am i a terrible person and what can i do? My conscience is guilty but i am so tired and cannot do everything for everyone any more. I have had to choose. 

 

 

Edited by Melinda12
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5 minutes ago, Melinda12 said:

Hi

I like to help. I wish to be a good Christian. 

I have a friend who is getting very frail. But increasingly i found myself at hospital when she fell, taking her to and from everywhere as she is pretty helpless. Lovely person. 

I alerted her family several times to say they need to step in and take responsibility for their mother but they ignored my letters. I told them she is developing dementia too.They live very far away and appear not to care. 

I have now had to stop all i do for her. I am angry at their callous disregard for her. If i keep doing things for her, they will let me! They arw treating me as a fool and taking full advantage. 

My own parents have become very frail this year and now i focus on them. I have no energy or time to spare. My mother is very ill now. I also must take care of my husband and home. 

I feel really guilty but i have stopped being her friend almost completely, in order to force her family to do their duty. I got exhausted. But i feel so guilty. Social services must step in if she gets ill or falls again. 

Am i a terrible person and what can i do? My conscience is guilty but i am so tired and cannot do everything for everyone any more. I have had to choose. 

 

 

I do not think you should abandon her as a friend. Her family has abandoned her as well. You should help her when you can and not ignore your family. You should get Social services involved because you can not do it all. 

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Yes, i am civilised to her. I still do small things but her family simply ignores the fact that her needs are increasing. I am appalled. I could not ever neglect my mum like that. 

It is a fact that i have no time to spare. My own family and indeed my health must come first. In the end i am only a neighbour with no authority in any emergency for her. 

As a christian i think people sometimes take advantage of our good nature. 

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18 minutes ago, Melinda12 said:

Hi

I like to help. I wish to be a good Christian. 

I have a friend who is getting very frail. But increasingly i found myself at hospital when she fell, taking her to and from everywhere as she is pretty helpless. Lovely person. 

I alerted her family several times to say they need to step in and take responsibility for their mother but they ignored my letters. I told them she is developing dementia too.They live very far away and appear not to care. 

I have now had to stop all i do for her. I am angry at their callous disregard for her. If i keep doing things for her, they will let me! They arw treating me as a fool and taking full advantage. 

My own parents have become very frail this year and now i focus on them. I have no energy or time to spare. My mother is very ill now. I also must take care of my husband and home. 

I feel really guilty but i have stopped being her friend almost completely, in order to force her family to do their duty. I got exhausted. But i feel so guilty. Social services must step in if she gets ill or falls again. 

Am i a terrible person and what can i do? My conscience is guilty but i am so tired and cannot do everything for everyone any more. I have had to choose. 

 

 

Your first responsibility is to your parents. Then if time allows, to the one whose own family disregards. 

You shared, "I have now had to stop all i do for her. I am angry at their callous disregard for her." You are doing these things for Jesus. Didn't Jesus stop for you one day. He has not stopped for you since. But if you are doing it out of guilt instead of joy, you are doing it all for the wrong reason. Jesus said that "My strength is made perfect in weakness." If you are claiming the strength to do these on your own, you will fail. Let Jesus be your strength. :)

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1 minute ago, Melinda12 said:

Yes, i am civilised to her. I still do small things but her family simply ignores the fact that her needs are increasing. I am appalled. I could not ever neglect my mum like that. 

It is a fact that i have no time to spare. My own family and indeed my health must come first. In the end i am only a neighbour with no authority in any emergency for her. 

As a christian i think people sometimes take advantage of our good nature. 

I wonder if her family is just selfish or if there was some abuse in the past. 

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Because you prioritise your time does not make you a bad Christian.

Does this lady attend a church who could visit and give her help?

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4 hours ago, missmuffet said:

I wonder if her family is just selfish or if there was some abuse in the past. 

Just selfish. She is a very nice person. They just do not care and it infuriates me. 

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1 hour ago, Who me said:

Because you prioritise your time does not make you a bad Christian.

Does this lady attend a church who could visit and give her help?

Yes she does go to church. But everyone there is also elderly with their own health problems. But most do have decent families who have a sense of duty. 

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On 09 November 2019 at 11:49 PM, Melinda12 said:

Yes she does go to church. But everyone there is also elderly with their own health problems. But most do have decent families who have a sense of duty.

Still bring her stituation to the attention of the pastor/elders, there will be some who can visit and provide some help.

Also suggest to the pastor it is time to swallow his pride and seek help, union with other churches with younger more active members.

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On 11/9/2019 at 8:45 AM, Melinda12 said:

Am i a terrible person and what can i do? My conscience is guilty but i am so tired and cannot do everything for everyone any more. I have had to choose. 

The woman who gave "two mites" had given all she had and Jesus commended her for it, ...sounds like you have done all you can and now have your own parents to take care of, the fact that you still care and want to help shows your motive is Christ centered, ...as for your "conscience," the Holy Spirit "convicts" His children with a small, gentile voice, ...the accuser "condemns"us by shouting at us causing us to feel guilty, ...we need to learn the source of the "voice" we hear in our spirit.

I have been in the same situation twice in my life, first with my  mother before Christ and second with my grandmother after Christ, in both instances I cared for them until professional help was needed, ...the choice to turn to a convalescent hospital is always hard, ...I stood by helpless as I watched the men roll my mother out on a gurney to the ambulance as she was crying and begging me to not take her from the home she had been living in for over 40 years, ...the last thing I heard her say as they rolled her into the back of the ambulance was, "Goodbye little home..." 

However, she was in much better hands at the hospital than I could provide for her at home, ...and, when I went to visit her I always took her favorite chocolate milk shake from the local soda fountain, the "visits" were more "comfortable" for me because the nurses had taken care of her body needs and she was no longer in pain, ..and as she slurped her milk shake we could talk and laugh about things, ...so much different than the "home" visits.

Lord bless, comfort, encourage and guide you into what is best for you and your elderly friend...

 

 

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On 11/9/2019 at 10:45 AM, Melinda12 said:

Am i a terrible person and what can i do? Am i a terrible person and what can i do? My conscience is guilty but i am so tired and cannot do everything for everyone any more. I have had to choose. 

Melinda, you are not a terrible person. Family is priority in this instance. It's unfortunate for your friend's close relations, and I think everything possible has already been provided for on your behalf. It is understandable how the emotional feelings are towards both, and the earnest desire to assist the best you can. It would seem your parents need you now. If an agency for the advocacy of Senior Health Care exists in the UK, try consulting and documenting this with them. They should be able to take on cases of needless neglect. Surely someone has power of attorney over her personal concerns, and should have some responsibility in this instance. If not, she desperately needs it.  

Edited by BeauJangles

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