Feeling hopeless

[F_Ivan]

I feel like I'll never be able to fully repent or truly recieve Christ unless I completely give up everything wordly and by that I mean like im going to be tested until my life is made a s**thole like job in the bible and I cant repent until im completley willing to give it up to that extent that id be okay with something like that happening because I feel like I have to "proove" myself to god to even be worthy of repentance (probably because I doubt god so much or something, im always doubting or maybe because I believe gods promise is too good to be true to be so liberally granted to someone like me). I feel like im trapped between going to hell or willingly living a suffering s**thole of a life here in order to somehow proove myself that I dont hold wordly things above God, obviously id rather choose the one where I dont go to hell but I feel so depressed, desolate and somewhat hopeless.

Maybe im just overly fixated on the fear of going to hell combined with the feeling ill never be good enough TO EVEN RECIEVE CHRIST

Also in my case im very insecure about my physical appearance (I hate how I look, I feel emasculated, and kind of like genetic garbage), I get the thought that god is going to test me by making me truly very ugly to see if I still believe in him afterwards similar to the story Job. 

 

Edited December 4, 2019 by Steve_S
Removed reference to profanity.

[OneLight]

Nobody is "good enough" for salvation (Romans 3:23).  Salvation is a gift from God to us (Ephesians 2:8-10).  Nothing we can ever do will merit what He did for us.  I suggest you stop trying and accept the completed work of Jesus on the cross (Romans 10:9).

When we accepted Jesus as our Savior, the Holy Spirit came to live in us, changing us to be like Christ.  We need to let go of the desires of the flesh and allow Him to create a new person in us. I suggest you read the following and notice the difference between living in the flesh and living in the Spirit.  Galatians 5:16-26

I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.  For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.  But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

[AnOrangeCat]

OneLight has it. None of us deserve salvation, and that's part of the beauty of it. God loves us enough that He gives us the offer anyway. Something I'll point out is that bad and even horrible things still happen to people who aren't Christians. Avoiding Christianity doesn't guarantee an easy life, and neither does accepting Christ guarantee that your life will mirror Job's. The world is full of sin and sinful people, so hardships are going to arise as a consequence of that regardless of what we do with Jesus. In my own walk I've found that God quite often delivers us from these hardships.

[BeauJangles]

9 hours ago, F_Ivan said:

 I feel like (expletive deleted) I feel like I'll never be able to fully repent or truly recieve Christ unless I completely give up everything wordly and by that I mean like im going to be tested until my life is made a (expletive deleted) like job in the bible and I cant repent until im completley willing to give it up to that extent that id be okay with something like that happening because I feel like I have to "proove" myself to god to even be worthy of repentance (probably because I doubt god so much or something, im always doubting or maybe because I believe gods promise is too good to be true to be so liberally granted to someone like me). I feel like im trapped between going to hell or willingly living a suffering (expletive deleted) of a life here in order to somehow proove myself that I dont hold wordly things above God, obviously id rather choose the one where I dont go to hell but I feel so depressed, desolate and somewhat hopeless.

Maybe im just overly fixated on the fear of going to hell combined with the feeling ill never be good enough TO EVEN RECIEVE CHRIST

Also in my case im very insecure about my physical appearance (I hate how I look, I feel emasculated, and kind of like genetic garbage), I get the thought that god is going to test me by making me truly very ugly to see if I still believe in him afterwards similar to the story Job. 

Hi @F_Ivan, 

I'm sorry you're having such issues about accepting Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord. But could you tone down the use of edited expletives? You seem to have some anger about surrendering your life to God and having to give up the sins you enjoy. I get it. But we do have some younger readers and guests of undetermined age who might find the usage of your wordings to be a little bit offensive. A post can be effective enough without them. Thanks!  

Shalom, 

David/BeauJangles

[Tzephanyahu]

Shalom @F_Ivan

Hopefully my answer is acceptable to you, although you may not like it.  Please know I only write this out of love and concern, as there is not other reason for me to take the time to do so.  

There is nothing to be concerned about.  None of us deserve salvation. But if you don’t want to be tested and proved, and have this attitude towards it persistently, then God may leave you well alone.   

But is that really what you want?

Imagine a Dad, wanting to help his son become an excellent footballer. He wakes him early every day for a run and on the weekend he gets him practising drills and skills ahead of big match. One day, the dad overhears his son speaking with a friend “I feel like s**t” the son says.  “it feels like I always have to prove myself to him and have to give up everything for football.  Maybe my dad just wants to see me suffer to know I’m worthy”.  So, the dad sadly slips away and no longer wakes his son up early.  Nor does he train him on the weekend anymore, for his son was reluctant and against the idea.  He leaves him to his own way. Then eventually the big match day came, and the son was in no wise ready for it...

Be trained, refined, convicted and reproved by anyone isn’t a great feeling.  But when it’s from the Word of God, we know it’s true and for our benefit.  So we have a choice.  We can either listen and respond or turn away and ignore.  If we do have resistance to it, even though we WANT to follow it, we know that it is sin within us resisting.  Take heart, take courage and face your weaknesses bravely and don't seek to comfort them.

To balance that, understand that Yahweh is real love.  He cares for us in ways that would scare you if you truly knew (and I'm guessing you haven't had that revelation yet from your post).  He doesn’t want you to feel pain for no reason or any pain more than necessary other than to grow and improve.  IF you don’t want that and hate the idea – I’m sure He will respect your wishes.  

But do you really want that?  

If you would rather have comfort, undisturbed happiness and self-appreciation in this life, over that of the way of a disciple, that road is always open for you.  Go for it.  Although, how do you imagine the big match will go?

And understand this mystery:  The more you are willing to give up for the Lord, the more likely He’ll be willing to let you keep it.  The more you want to hold on to stuff and behaviour, the more He’ll demand you give it up.  He needs to know that nothing comes before Him – in either stuff, people, behaviour or principles.  That’s what it means for Him to be your God.  But again, you will probably find that when you are truly ready to give things up for Him, He may let you keep those things and even more – as long as you are truly willing to lay it all down (He cannot be tricked ).

9 hours ago, F_Ivan said:

I get the thought that god is going to test me by making me truly very ugly to see if I still believe in him afterwards similar to the story Job. 

Yahweh does want you to see that you’re ugly.  He might do to someone who thought they were utterly beautiful  (narcissism)– but I don’t get that impression from you.  It sounds to me as though you are pushing your own insecurities into making negative traits of God, which are unfounded.  Consider that last sentence again as it will be key in you remaining objective.

Also, forget Job.  Job was righteous man, above all at the time, and his situation is unique.  Be careful not to compare yourself to such a righteous man and claiming you are facing the same trials lest you heap up unwise words against your charge.  You’re not like Job and I very much doubt you are going through the same trials.  

So then, my advice is read the Bible.  Really read it, and understand it’s message and Yahweh’s heart (I can help you with this if you wish).  Above all things, seek the baptism of the Holy Spirit – for everything in life is an uphill struggle and without peace and joy when you do not have the Spirit within.  I can tell from your words that the Spirit is not with you, but fear not!  If you seek the baptism with all your heart and desire, it will happen for you and all these dark days will fade away.  Then, following the Word will be a joy and easier.

But if you go away with only one thing, let it be this my friend:  It is a privilege to corrected and reprimanded by Yahweh.

"For Yahweh corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights." ~ Proverbs 3:12

I hope my strong words don't come across to harsh my friend.  I hope you can see between the lines that I'm here for you if you have any questions or complaints about what I've said.

Love & Shalom
 

Edited November 18, 2019 by Tzephanyahu

[Debp]

11 hours ago, F_Ivan said:

 I feel like s**t. I feel like I'll never be able to fully repent or truly recieve Christ unless I completely give up everything wordly and by that I mean like im going to be tested until my life is made a s**thole like job in the bible and I cant repent until im completley willing to give it up to that extent that id be okay with something like that happening because I feel like I have to "proove" myself to god to even be worthy of repentance (probably because I doubt god so much or something, im always doubting or maybe because I believe gods promise is too good to be true to be so liberally granted to someone like me). I feel like im trapped between going to hell or willingly living a suffering s**thole of a life here in order to somehow proove myself that I dont hold wordly things above God, obviously id rather choose the one where I dont go to hell but I feel so depressed, desolate and somewhat hopeless.

Maybe im just overly fixated on the fear of going to hell combined with the feeling ill never be good enough TO EVEN RECIEVE CHRIST

Also in my case im very insecure about my physical appearance (I hate how I look, I feel emasculated, and kind of like genetic garbage), I get the thought that god is going to test me by making me truly very ugly to see if I still believe in him afterwards similar to the story Job. 

 

Friend, you are putting the cart before the horse....you don't need to be good enough to receive Christ..   If you call out to the Lord sincerely for forgiveness, believing in Christ's sacrifice and resurrection, the Holy Spirit will come to indwell you.    Then you will have the power to transform your life, with the help of the Holy Spirit.

 

[F_Ivan]

3 hours ago, Tzephanyahu said:

Shalom @F_Ivan

Hopefully my answer is acceptable to you, although you may not like it.  Please know I only write this out of love and concern, as there is not other reason for me to take the time to do so.  

There is nothing to be concerned about.  None of us deserve salvation. But if you don’t want to be tested and proved, and have this attitude towards it persistently, then God may leave you well alone.   

But is that really what you want?

Imagine a Dad, wanting to help his son become an excellent footballer. He wakes him early every day for a run and on the weekend he gets him practising drills and skills ahead of big match. One day, the dad overhears his son speaking with a friend “I feel like s**t” the son says.  “it feels like I always have to prove myself to him and have to give up everything for football.  Maybe my dad just wants to see me suffer to know I’m worthy”.  So, the dad sadly slips away and no longer wakes his son up early.  Nor does he train him on the weekend anymore, for his son was reluctant and against the idea.  He leaves him to his own way. Then eventually the big match day came, and the son was in no wise ready for it...

Be trained, refined, convicted and reproved by anyone isn’t a great feeling.  But when it’s from the Word of God, we know it’s true and for our benefit.  So we have a choice.  We can either listen and respond or turn away and ignore.  If we do have resistance to it, even though we WANT to follow it, we know that it is sin within us resisting.  Take heart, take courage and face your weaknesses bravely and don't seek to comfort them.

To balance that, understand that Yahweh is real love.  He cares for us in ways that would scare you if you truly knew (and I'm guessing you haven't had that revelation yet from your post).  He doesn’t want you to feel pain for no reason or any pain more than necessary other than to grow and improve.  IF you don’t want that and hate the idea – I’m sure He will respect your wishes.  

But do you really want that?  

If you would rather have comfort, undisturbed happiness and self-appreciation in this life, over that of the way of a disciple, that road is always open for you.  Go for it.  Although, how do you imagine the big match will go?

And understand this mystery:  The more you are willing to give up for the Lord, the more likely He’ll be willing to let you keep it.  The more you want to hold on to stuff and behaviour, the more He’ll demand you give it up.  He needs to know that nothing comes before Him – in either stuff, people, behaviour or principles.  That’s what it means for Him to be your God.  But again, you will probably find that when you are truly ready to give things up for Him, He may let you keep those things and even more – as long as you are truly willing to lay it all down (He cannot be tricked ).

Yahweh does want you to see that you’re ugly.  He might do to someone who thought they were utterly beautiful  (narcissism)– but I don’t get that impression from you.  It sounds to me as though you are pushing your own insecurities into making negative traits of God, which are unfounded.  Consider that last sentence again as it will be key in you remaining objective.

Also, forget Job.  Job was righteous man, above all at the time, and his situation is unique.  Be careful not to compare yourself to such a righteous man and claiming you are facing the same trials lest you heap up unwise words against your charge.  You’re not like Job and I very much doubt you are going through the same trials.  

So then, my advice is read the Bible.  Really read it, and understand it’s message and Yahweh’s heart (I can help you with this if you wish).  Above all things, seek the baptism of the Holy Spirit – for everything in life is an uphill struggle and without peace and joy when you do not have the Spirit within.  I can tell from your words that the Spirit is not with you, but fear not!  If you seek the baptism with all your heart and desire, it will happen for you and all these dark days will fade away.  Then, following the Word will be a joy and easier.

But if you go away with only one thing, let it be this my friend:  It is a privilege to corrected and reprimanded by Yahweh.

"For Yahweh corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights." ~ Proverbs 3:12

I hope my strong words don't come across to harsh my friend.  I hope you can see between the lines that I'm here for you if you have any questions or complaints about what I've said.

Love & Shalom
 

Thank you so much for your post, you're right.

Edit: About baptizing myself in the spirit, I was baptized as an adult at my Baptist church months ago, unless you meant something different? I prayed a prayer giving myself up to Christ at my baptism and I think I was being genuine but maybe I wasn't totally true deep down, or maybe I just let myself get sidetracked by my own distrust/insecurities/anger and sins, im not sure. 

 

Edited November 18, 2019 by F_Ivan

[Tzephanyahu]

Shalom @F_Ivan

Thanks for responding my friend.  I was so happy to see that you didn't get upset at my post.  I was worried I might have been too harsh, as text can often be read in many different ways.

24 minutes ago, F_Ivan said:

About baptizing myself in the spirit, I was baptized as an adult at my Baptist church months ago, unless you meant something different?

Yes, it absolutely is something different.

Water baptism is a physical commitment to the Messiah, a sign showing death and resurrection.  It's like a submission of the "earth suit" to that of the Kingdom.

Baptism of the Holy Spirit comes after this (sometimes before) and is separate.  This is the rebirth of the inner man - the seal of eternal life.  With this baptism, you will have peace and joy and wisdom deep inside you, like an anchor.  You can feel it within, like a fountain within you - constantly bubbling up - but not unpleasant or uncomfortable but fulfilling, reassuring, loving and peaceful.  It's not an idea or concept.  It's real.

Now, not every professing Christian out there has this baptism, so don't feel bad.  I myself was probably a Christian for about 15 years (!) without this baptism - but water baptism only.  I loved God but had many hard times.  I found walking His way difficult, demanding and even confusing at times.  The net result was my contradictory behaviour and eventually heavy depression and even fear of the end times.  I'm sure that fear came from the Father to shake me out of my stupor and path of failure.

I read in the Gospel, Acts and in letters of Paul about the Holy Spirit, and I wanted to feel it like they did.  So many teach "oh the baptism of the Holy Spirit happens when you believe automatically".  That's not true.  I was also taught that the baptism HAD to be accompanied with speaking tongues.  That's also not true.

So, I sought the baptism of the Holy Spirit until I would KNOW it happened.  Not so "I think it happened" or "Yeah, I feel a bit fuzzy inside".  No, I wanted to KNOW.  But it didn't come easy for me.  I sought and sought, with tears, fasting, asking for prayer and more tears.  Eventually, it did happen though and it was after I truly believed that it WOULD happen.  Maybe not immediately, maybe not for years, but that it would happen, because of believing His words - 

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?  If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” ~ Luke 11:9-13

......Though I kept asking and praying, in faith, every day whilst waiting.

After it happened, I was filled with a peace and joy inside that is surely a taste of the life to come.  Yes, I could still have bad days and get sad, but that anchor of peace and joy was immovable - reassuring and guiding me.  Following Him became easier and Paul's words describing the Holy Spirit and the fruit of it was no longer conceptual or "target attitudes" but flowing naturally through me, by His restoration of my heart.  

It's a completely different ball game after the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  You'll still be you, but you will be far away from the negativity you feel now and your Walk will feel much more distinct than it does now.  So seek this baptism above ALL things. 

It's good to read John and Acts on more about the Holy Spirit.  But really the Spirit is throughout the whole Bible.  You just have to track the Spirit in Word, like a hunter, watching for every sign and footprint.  It's with that same enthusiasm that you should seek the baptism in prayer too.  The Spirit wants to be found by a desiring and passionate heart, rather than impose on a half-bothered half-reluctant one.  Does that make any sense? :S

56 minutes ago, F_Ivan said:

maybe I just let myself get sidetracked by my own distrust/insecurities/anger and sins, im not sure. 

I agree. I think you've hit the nail on the head.  Sin gets more powerful the more we feed it (the flesh) to the point it can become overwhelming.  However, your inner man (although a flame burning lowly at the moment) seeks to serve God (and burn bright).  Therefore, this is your war.  Your final boss.  Only the final boss is you - in a mirror match up.  Will you believe the real you is the weak one who hates himself and distrusts everyone?  Or the strong one that seeks peace and love with His Creator?  With this in mind, read the following passage of Scripture - in which Paul said he faced the same battle as you.

Romans 7:14-8:11

Seek the baptism of the Holy Spirit, above ALL things.  Be prepared for it to be a long mission, with the hope it will be a short one, but the trust it will be an achievable one.

Love & Shalom

[Coliseum]

1 hour ago, F_Ivan said:

Thank you so much for your post, you're right.

Edit: About baptizing myself in the spirit, I was baptized as an adult at my Baptist church months ago, unless you meant something different? I prayed a prayer giving myself up to Christ at my baptism and I think I was being genuine but maybe I wasn't totally true deep down, or maybe I just let myself get sidetracked by my own distrust/insecurities/anger and sins, im not sure. 

 

It is a problem we all wrestle with in degree: how much is enough to be accepted? What must I do to get God to love me? How can I please Him? 

Well, we can't do a single thing to get ourselves into heaven. We simply do not have what it takes. We lean on our Father entirely. We cannot please Him, but we can trust Him. We fail, but are not failures. We are weak, but Jesus said that in his strength he will carry us. In fact Jesus said, "Apart from me you can do nothing." Nothing! Every molecule of air we breathe He dispenses by his grace: "remain steadfast in your faith," "God will bring to completion the good thing he has started in you," "I will not snuff out a smoldering wick." We sin because we have a sinful nature. Paul knew it. He called himself the "chief sinner." Paul said it was not him, but sin in him that caused all the problem. He knew where to turn---not turn away from---but to run toward. I sinned last night---something I chose to do. I hated it, but God tells us that, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Do you believe Him? Paul did. He cut the regard that he had for his own sinful behavior and kept running the race God called him to run---his eyes fixed on the prize awaiting him. So, friend, don't be a scold; it leads only to more sin. Instead, be like Jesus, knowing his way is a better way. God bless you.

[F_Ivan]

15 hours ago, Tzephanyahu said:

Now, not every professing Christian out there has this baptism, so don't feel bad.  I myself was probably a Christian for about 15 years (!) without this baptism - but water baptism only.  I loved God but had many hard times.  I found walking His way difficult, demanding and even confusing at times.  The net result was my contradictory behaviour and eventually heavy depression and even fear of the end times.  I'm sure that fear came from the Father to shake me out of my stupor and path of failure.

 

I deal with fear alot. How do I know the fear isn't just me causing unnecessary problems, the enemy, or from God?