Finding Community

[HikerMom]

@GandalfTheWise   It's been quite a while since I've been on the forums but now am looking for some advice, and I remember that you have a gift of wisdom.  So here goes...

After worshiping at the same church for twenty years, I made the decision to leave because of struggles with their doctrine and legalism.  I don't think I handled the whole thing wisely.  My husband didn't want to leave-even though he never really plugs in.  His main issue was just disliking change and meeting new people.   And now I am wondering if it was the wise decision to leave at all.  I feel like I really put myself in the lead rather than waiting on God and also put a lot of stress on my husband in the process.

However, I have found a new church where the message challenges and encourages me.  The struggle for me is that it is difficult to find community.  My former church was really good at community.  One of the big differences I see is my former church had Bible classes before worship every Sunday.  The classes really helped you to get to know a lot of people.  This new church does have classes at various times but they separate the men and women.  They also have small groups but the groups are static.  My old church mixed groups up every two years so that we got to know many more people.  

Another problem causing difficulty finding community is that this church is large.  It's just so easy to get lost.  It's large.  It's dark.  And you really need to leave quickly to make room for the next service.  A friend who used to attend there told me that she and her husband left because they began to feel that the only reason they were there was to serve.  I interpreted that to mean they didn't find meaningful community in this church.

I think the loss of that long term church community is hitting hard.  I wasn't close friends with anyone particularly because I thought so differently.  But I miss walking in to church and having a big community that was happy to see me.  I miss staying after worship and connecting with that group.  

Maybe I need to be patient and put some work into this new church.  I don't know.   Part of me says I should have stayed at my old church and just listened online to messages that encouraged me.  Another part of me says that if my kids ever move back here and have kids, I wouldn't want them hearing the wrong messages coming from the pulpit in my old church every Sunday. 

I recently asked my daughter does she ever remember hearing the message in our church to trust the Lord or was it all about avoiding sin.  She said it was always about our behavior-what to do and what not to do.   Trusting the Lord was not a message she remembers hearing (partly MY fault and not just the churches' fault).

Any thoughts Gandalf or others?

 

Edited November 19, 2019 by HikerMom

[Repose]

One must be the change they want to see. If you can't find community in your new church, then try to make it. Maybe make a mixed group that could meet up outside the church, make some friends.

[Ruth Also]

It is an awkward place when the churches don't speak about the things that are purely Scriptural.  There is a place for behaviors (we can't start stealing, lying, and carousing and consider it a Scriptural standard, right?) and there is a big place for encouragement.  Both the positions of warning and encouragement are founded.  But the fellowship - that is a tough one.  Repose offers the solution I've been trying.  If you are in a large congregation, here are some options I'd consider if you want to reach out to the people in that congregation.

Talk to the pastors/leadership about your hopes for increasing fellowship opportunities and see what happens with this.  For one thing, this isn't just YOUR need.  You aren't going there to complain about the ache in your heart but rather the real and scriptural need for people to interact.  The small groups concept is usually well received and promoted by the large congregations.  If you get a negative response, that will also tell you what you  need to know.  At this meeting, it would be good to develop a plan, and the leadership can speak to this initiative from the pulpit.

One plan to reach people quickly in that hectic between services change-out is to greet people with a something in your hand to give them so they can follow up once they are home, like a business card, flyer, or invitation in an envelope.  Or you could stay for both services for several weeks for the opportunity to meet more people.  Or the leadership may want to bring others into this idea and have several of you as leaders for the fellowship groups.  

If it doesn't go over well with the church leadership, you can always run an ad on places people look (newspaper, radio, free spots, www.meetup.com or the like) and see what could happen outside of the church walls as a non-church affiliated place for people to gather.  Maybe a Bible Study, maybe a social forum of some kind, in your own area.  One idea around here lately was called "Raw Scriptures," and the idea was to just read through the Bible at weekly meetings.  It has formed the basis for a sense of community, but be prepared for it to go slower than you'd like.  

I don't know if this reply fits your situation, but it's the answer that came to mind.  If you find other good ideas out there, feel free to add them.  I'm in much the same place.  I hope it goes well with you, HikerMom!  

[GandalfTheWise]

On 11/19/2019 at 2:04 PM, HikerMom said:

Any thoughts Gandalf or others?

 

I've mostly left off interacting on this site (as a positive move away for spending time on other things and not as a bad reaction to something) but check back on occasion.  I just happened to see this post.  I'm not sure I have much to add to what's already been said.

Over my adult life, my wife and I have been in about 10 different churches with about half of the transitions being caused by moving to a new location and half from just being called to be somewhere different.  We've averaged probably about 3 to 5 years in each.  

The reality is that community tends to occur in groups small enough so people can spend some meaningful time interacting.  In  a smaller church, this can occur with the main services and associated things such as Sunday school or studies.  To some degree, you can just show up on Sunday morning and community will just happen.  It tends to happen more easily simply because most people are acquainted with most other people.   Just showing up allows you to invest in community building.  However, in a larger church, community mainly occurs in focused ministries and small groups.  This usually means meeting people and doing things outside of the main services at different times of the week.  It has to be done more intentionally.

After a lifetime of being in smaller churches (where most people knew most people), we've now been in two large churches in a row.  At first, I didn't like the idea of a large church, but have found that there is much more opportunity for community outside the main services.   We found that getting involved in small groups and focused ministries is where we've met the most people and gotten to know them.  We've then found that the larger services feel more personal given that we usually know a number of people from the smaller groups.   We just moved to a new town a bit over a year ago and have been taking my wife's mom to her large church (where she's been for probably 20 years or more) and by default that's become our church.  I really don't feel like I fit in that much, but found a men's small group there that is okay.  I probably don't know more than a few dozen people at this point, but the number is slowly increasing.  My most regular attendance is now in the small groups rather than the main services.

The reality is that we don't know most people in the large churches (though many  faces become familiar).  A large church will never have that same feel where you can look around and know most people.  There will be times of being surrounded by a crowd you don't know.  However, if it is a healthy church, there will be ample opportunities for community in the various ministries and groups.  In a smaller church (especially one you've been in for many years), you can just show up and interact.  Many people find community in both large and small churches.  It does take getting used to to switch from one to the other.

 

[HikerMom]

Thanks @Repose  @Ruth Also and @GandalfTheWise  

All super helpful responses!  Trusting God will show me the way!  Good to know that the transition just takes some time.  Trying to be the change is important as well.  And thanks Ruth Also for your ideas and understanding!  Praying we both find the relationships that will help us stay encouraged and grow in Christ!  Blessings!

 

[Prycejosh1987]

On 11/19/2019 at 8:04 PM, HikerMom said:

After worshiping at the same church for twenty years, I made the decision to leave because of struggles with their doctrine and legalism.

You should of not left the church, if it works good enough for you to stay there for 20 years then you should of remained in faith and not have listened to the devil. The devil wanted you to leave, it is important for us to fight the cause of issues and that is what the devil causes.