Signs of extreme abuse in children.

[Mike83]

I was on Facebook a few weeks ago and read a heartbreaking story that hit close to home! A little 10 year old girl had committed suicide after experiencing some of the horrible abuse that I suffered growing up. I felt like God was moving me to write my story of the incredibly horrible abuse I experienced growing up and sharing the warning signs that I personally exhibited but were all missed. I wrote the story in the hope that parents might recognize the warning signs and stop the abuse from happening with their own children. Here is my story and for reference to an article on the signs of extreme abuse in children.  https://arkofhopeforchildren.org/library/signs-of-abuse-and-neglect?fbclid=IwAR2iUlvxvVG3VOMlMoW1ouHqAIgiaEh514D6S5I82e2jJLFByhv7uIAvX2U

SIGNS OF EXTREME ABUSE IN CHILDREN: I read something heartbreaking the other day and it reminded myself of what I went through growing up. I read about a 10 year old little girl that had been beaten at home, bullied terribly at school and elsewhere and sexually assaulted repeatedly. She took her own life at 10 years old. I was so heartbroken for her and moved to action to write my own story of growing up and published it last Friday. The whole point of airing my horrible childhood to the public was not to garner sympathy for me but to bring awareness to the lifelong and sometimes life ending effects of assaults on children. I would like parents and Grandparents alike to see and recognize the signs of terrible abuse like the ones I exhibited constantly growing up that were all ignored.I always looked around very quickly and constantly which is called hyper vigilance! I also never wanted to be touched. I was always afraid of my own shadow! My self esteem didn't exist and was so bad I couldn't function in social settings. I remember when I would get in social settings my eyes would water and I would want to run away! I am going to go through my childhood briefly and tell of the signs that I exhibited and also tell of why I couldn't overcome! My life has been a giant train wreck because I couldn't overcome.
My earliest memories were when I was about 3 or 4. I had a family member that didn't know her strength and was absolutely broken inside herself. When disciplined sometimes I was hit upside the head and my vision would blank out and all I could see was 'sheet lightning'. I was afraid of my own shadow because of this and was very passive. Kids would pick up on this and would bully and beat on me. When I had just turned 8 years old, two 13 year old boys started jumping me and would drag me into one of their basements. I would fight with all the strength in my little body but they were too much bigger and stronger- they would pretty much pulverize my face, then rape and sodomize me! This happened dozens of times over a year and a half. My Mom just told me that 'finally I was defending myself'. We moved away after that year and a half and the rape stopped but I would still get bullied and beaten until 9th grade when I grew to 5 foot 10 and it pretty much stopped. When I hit 18 I started weightlifting, vowing I would be so big and strong that no one would ever even challenge let alone beat me again! It worked as I became a competitive power lifter in the 80's for a while. The signs of incredible inner pain were ever present as I couldn't finish anything in my life and abused alcohol heavily until my 40's. I was prescribed opiates for back pain and immediately started abusing them right along with the alcohol to mask the pain. I suppressed the memories of the horrible rape until I hit 49 and something triggered it and it came back in VIVID detail just like it had just happened the day before. I remember everything including smells! The smell of that horrible basement and the pain of being pulverized, raped, and sodomized. The signs were these as a child: being afraid of everything and everyone. I couldn't function at school dances or other social gatherings because my self esteem didn't exist! When I was an adult I abused anything that made me feel better like alcohol and eventually opiates! I could never finish anything either like college even though a Professor told me I was intellectually gifted! I am pleading with everyone that reads this- watch your children for the signs of terrible abuse! I beg you to not let them go through what I did! My opiate use was so heavy 3 years ago along with the alcohol it changed my brain chemistry to the point where my personality was TOTALLY different! During that time I committed a crime that I will pay for in one form or another dearly for the rest of my life! I never knew a man could get this sad and I have battled depression my entire life! I am facing 10 to 15 years in prison for that crime that I would never had done sober! I cannot forgive myself and went off the deep end July 3rd after my life was threatened. I was in such despair from the guilt and sadness that I mixed comet cleanser and injected 1.5 CC's of it directly into the main vein on my left arm. The ER doctor told me that only the direct intervention of God prevented my death because that much chemicals should have killed me. There was blood in the syringe so I hit the vein and their was no pooling around the injection site. Again, I am begging you to watch for the signs so your children won't go through what I have! I love Christ and I know he has forgiven me but MY healing is a work in progress. There is peace with the Love, forgiveness, and Grace of Christ Jesus! We should bring our children to him for this love and peace that surpasses all understanding!!! God bless everyone who has taken the time to read this! I have attached photos of the wonderful blessings of God that are my Grandchildren and kids that I will never see again and it is my fault which is killing me inside every moment of every day!! The first picture was of me when I was 4 and was innocent- before most of the horrors began in earnest! Again, I didn't write this for sympathy- I hope to show parents and Grandparents the signs of extreme abuse to watch for.

[Revlori]

My dear brother, your story is heart wrenching. My words may seem so shallow compared to the abuse you suffered, but I am truly sorry you had to experience such abuse, such pain and horrible sorrows. But I'm also so grateful to God for spearing and saving your life.  Jesus is our answer, he is our healer, our salvation, our victory to overcome and our complete peace. I agree you can and are helping countless others by telling everyone your personal testimony.

I also agree that there are so many cases of abuse, from mild to horried, but all is abuse. All effects children no matter what degree. 

The awareness of the warning signs must be brought to everyone's attention!

Another issue is the authorities aren't responding to the cry's of the abused children! I know from experience of working with children and youth services, the police and hospital staff,as one who reports abuse, but having nothing done.

This issue is very personal to me, and I will stand with you dear brother in prayer, as I will pray God will use you mightily to open eyes and hearts of people everywhere to see and report abuse, as well as to open the eyes and hearts of those in authority to handle each case as it would be their own child!

Our earnest plee, May God help each and every child that is or has experienced abuse in any degree.

Thank you from my heart, thank you for sharing your horrible story to your amazing testimony. My dear brother, God has a great call upon your life. Let him continue to lead you and work though you. May God continue to surround you with great blessings!

God is always faithful!!!! As you serve this time, I pray that you may continue to find God's peace. May you continue to study God's word and grow in his amazing love. You can be and are being a light to others as you walk through your own dark hours with Christ holding your hand.

[Debp]

Mike, thanks for sharing your story in hopes of helping children who are currently being abused.   Everyone should take action if they suspect a child is suffering from any type of abuse.   Abuse might not always be just physical, but it might be emotional and mental abuse.   Making a call to authorities will at least get them to check out a child's welfare.   (If we are wrong, then at least we will feel better at trying to help a child out of a bad situation.) I have heard stories where some neighbors had odd things occurring next door, but didn't call authorities....then children escaped and reported being held captive, etc.

[Mike83]

23 minutes ago, Revlori said:

My dear brother, your story is heart wrenching. My words may seem so shallow compared to the abuse you suffered, but I am truly sorry you had to experience such abuse, such pain and horrible sorrows. But I'm also so grateful to God for spearing and saving your life.  Jesus is our answer, he is our healer, our salvation, our victory to overcome and our complete peace. I agree you can and are helping countless others by telling everyone your personal testimony.

I also agree that there are so many cases of abuse, from mild to horried, but all is abuse. All effects children no matter what degree. 

The awareness of the warning signs must be brought to everyone's attention!

Another issue is the authorities aren't responding to the cry's of the abused children! I know from experience of working with children and youth services, the police and hospital staff,as one who reports abuse, but having nothing done.

This issue is very personal to me, and I will stand with you dear brother in prayer, as I will pray God will use you mightily to open eyes and hearts of people everywhere to see and report abuse, as well as to open the eyes and hearts of those in authority to handle each case as it would be their own child!

Our earnest plee, May God help each and every child that is or has experienced abuse in any degree.

Thank you from my heart, thank you for sharing your horrible story to your amazing testimony. My dear brother, God has a great call upon your life. Let him continue to lead you and work though you. May God continue to surround you with great blessings!

God is always faithful!!!! As you serve this time, I pray that you may continue to find God's peace. May you continue to study God's word and grow in his amazing love. You can be and are being a light to others as you walk through your own dark hours with Christ holding your hand.

Thank you for the wonderful reply! God bless you!

[lovethelord]

Mike, 

Thank you for for posting such an honest account of the terrible abuse you experienced. I've been bullied by a particular person when I was around 14 years ago, and that experience still sticks with me and caused me insecurity. Yet here you are telling us a life of long horrible abuse. How is any child able to process the emotions and pain from the traumas you experienced? This isn't supposed to happen to any child yet it does. Your story opened my eyes to the (hidden) reality that is around us. I thank the Lord that God intervened in your suicide attempt. You are here now and He has forgiven and saved you. Your testimony will help others. I pray that the Lord bring healing and comfort to your spirit. Whatever you did that you are now facing jail time, God will use to his glory and purpose.

[BeauJangles]

14 minutes ago, maryjayne said:

I don't feel able to comment on your first post. Too much was familiar. As a PTSD sufferer, I do think you have PTSD. You will be in my daily prayers. Blessings to you.

Me neither. Just read a few opening lines, and couldn't go further. I'm also an abuse survivor. Barely survived, in my present state of being. No, I can't do this one. Maybe someday - not now. God bless, I'm signing out.  

[Mike83]

I need to confess the reason that I am going to prison... my brain chemistry was so altered by taking 150-180 mg of opiates taken every day that my perceptions of reality were turned upside down. Unless you have been in this situation it is hard to imagine the changes in a person! I did something that I never thought I would ever do after the horrors of the rape and sodomy that I experienced dozens of times when I was 8 years old! While on opiates I was watching my Step Granddaughter and I loved her with all my heart as a Grandfather should but on several occasions I touched her inappropriately and hurt her and my family deeply. I am in agony over what I have done because it is so contrary to what I am normally! Even though I was changed so drastically by the opiates I have to accept that it was at my hand the damage was done! Now, I am not taking the opiates and am not backsliding so I am in incredible agony from the sadness and guilt of my actions! My life revolved around my kids and Granddaughters- all 7 of them! God blessed me with 7 absolutely precious Granddaughters and now I will never see them again- I am completely heartbroken and hurt every moment of every day over this fact! Last Thursday night I was awake all night long and in crisis being close to suicide over the guilt and pain for what I have done and was on a site called- christianchat.com and was getting ripped to shreds by supposed Christians who were judging me and had me to the point of having a needle full of drano to my arm! Thankfully, I didn't go through with it but was really close. I am terribly afraid that when I go to prison my life will come full circle back to the chance of being raped and sodomized by small groups of men that have nothing to lose. I was told small groups of 'lifers' corner a man with these charges and do terrible things. Since I cannot take it even once more I might have to employ the Krav Maga hand to hand training I received in the military and kill one of them to keep them away- this would kill me from guilt so I really fear going to prison. I am trying not to hate myself but have been unsuccessful at forgiving myself even though Christ has forgiven me! 

 

Edited November 20, 2019 by Mike83

[Mike83]

1 minute ago, DustyRoad said:

I appreciate the courage required to confess your crimes, @Mike83. However --- this is in their best interests as well as your own --- under no circumstances should you post or otherwise share images of minor children. Understand that this will have the effect of heaping even more condemnation atop your head. Don't do it, my friend. Your words here are more than enough.

The grace of God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ to you during this time, Mike. Whatever it is you're to face, brother, remember that Christ won't forsake you. 

Thank you, Dusty! I have deleted the pictures. I hope this post will help someone else who is in crisis of guilt make it through knowing they aren't alone in their pain. God bless you for being non judgmental and being kind!

[Repose]

Another thing I'd put forward is for claims to be investigated, even when they are levied against those you know or trust.

There is a band called Korn I listened to often as a teenager. I was a huge fan. They released a song called "daddy" where the band's vocalist, Davis, recounted his own childhood sexual abuse. I wouldn't recommend seeking the song out, both just because of the content, and he also freaks out near the end and starts swearing. The freakout itself is rather disturbing to listen to as well. There is much more info in interviews about the song rather than the song itself anyway. 

When Davis was young, a female friend of his mother was the abuser. I can't remember for certain, but I believe the friend was his babysitter. Davis decided to go to his mother to get help and report the abuse, but she just laughed and said it wasn't possible. So the abuse continued, when it could've been stopped.

That aside, you are brave to share this. A wound cannot be healed when it isn't addressed, and far too many go on too scared to share for a number of reasons. Having victims be unafraid to speak up and for those listening to acknowledge the claims, that helps.

[Revlori]

4 hours ago, Mike83 said:

I need to confess the reason that I am going to prison... my brain chemistry was so altered by taking 150-180 mg of opiates taken every day that my perceptions of reality were turned upside down. Unless you have been in this situation it is hard to imagine the changes in a person! I did something that I never thought I would ever do after the horrors of the rape and sodomy that I experienced dozens of times when I was 8 years old! While on opiates I was watching my Step Granddaughter and I loved her with all my heart as a Grandfather should but on several occasions I touched her inappropriately and hurt her and my family deeply. I am in agony over what I have done because it is so contrary to what I am normally! Even though I was changed so drastically by the opiates I have to accept that it was at my hand the damage was done! Now, I am not taking the opiates and am not backsliding so I am in incredible agony from the sadness and guilt of my actions! My life revolved around my kids and Granddaughters- all 7 of them! God blessed me with 7 absolutely precious Granddaughters and now I will never see them again- I am completely heartbroken and hurt every moment of every day over this fact! Last Thursday night I was awake all night long and in crisis being close to suicide over the guilt and pain for what I have done and was on a site called- christianchat.com and was getting ripped to shreds by supposed Christians who were judging me and had me to the point of having a needle full of drano to my arm! Thankfully, I didn't go through with it but was really close. I am terribly afraid that when I go to prison my life will come full circle back to the chance of being raped and sodomized by small groups of men that have nothing to lose. I was told small groups of 'lifers' corner a man with these charges and do terrible things. Since I cannot take it even once more I might have to employ the Krav Maga hand to hand training I received in the military and kill one of them to keep them away- this would kill me from guilt so I really fear going to prison. I am trying not to hate myself but have been unsuccessful at forgiving myself even though Christ has forgiven me! 

 

My friend we must understand that sin takes us further then we have ever wanted to go and our sin never hurts just ourselves. No one can reverse the sin that one commits, no matter how horrible or how minor it was.I am not trying to be mean or insensitive in this matter, but In this case this sin was horrible, and you are serving the consequences for that sin. As well as possibly the loss of your family. However my friend, you are taking the right steps toward receiving healing.

You have confessed ( you have admitted to this horrible sin)

You received Jesus Christ as your lord and savior.

You have asked for forgiveness ( Christ forgives, it may take a long time or perhaps never with your family. But their response will never alter the Lord, Christ has forgiven you.)

Now you must pray for your family and leave them in his hands. He can provide all they need. Your family needs your prayers. Satan doesn't want your prayers to go before God, this is why he is sending suicidal thoughts to you, with condemnation and lies. If he can silence you, he can further inflict your family with pain.

You must trust God to keep you while you are serving this sentence and know that God still has plans for you. As I mentioned earlier, you can be a vital part of the healing process to your family, to your granddaughter as you devote yourself to Christ and being an endless prayer warrior for them.

Please remember, God has kept you through all the torture and abuse that you suffered, now your sins are forgiven and your life matters. The lives of your family matters,you can benefit them in the greatest way possible by what choices you make now.

With much love, you will be in my prayers.