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DustyRoad

The Mirror

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I've had enough of today and it isn't over yet. Allow me to introduce the reader to the shooting gallery in which I live.

Before I left this forum (I'm beginning to question the wisdom of coming back) I revealed both the how and why behind my station here with the lady. No, I'm not going to reveal her name nor am I about to tell the fulness of her story beyond where it involves yours truly. This is about my place in things and what brought me up here to face my own death. 

Some very scary people were trying to chase this poor woman off her land... and so they sent one of their number (they're all related) to threaten, stalk, harass, and eventually kill the lady if she refused to go. She was desperate for help but no one believed her. This is a good time to point something out: her flesh and blood family are professing Christians. Her own children call themselves Christians... so where are they, Worthy? They refuse to speak to her; she doesn't exist to them at all. 

The police weren't any help. These criminals had stolen some of the lady's property and they couldn't be bothered to make the drive out here to investigate (I viewed the evidence myself and the crime could be solved by elementary school children on a field trip). The man who vowed to kill her had several warrants out for his arrest but even this failed to motive law enforcement to come out and bag the psychopath ( so much for "law enforcement"). Too much effort and besides, folks around here have a reputation for taking shots at cops. They prefer to deal with people in more "civilized" areas. The lady faced this nightmare by herself until news of her plight reached me in California. 

Yeah, I'm an autistic guy who can be rather naïve at times... of course I believed the lady's report and so I came out here just as swiftly as I could. Yes, she was telling the truth and in fact understated the danger she was in. This man who threatened to kill her had hidey-holes strewn all over the landscape where he had been standing for extended periods of time (cigarette butts, beer bottles, boot prints, etc.). He was very clearly watching the lady in her own home all hours of the night... he even had a hunting blind complete with a table and chair. 

Long story short, the scumbag took off and hasn't been seen in this region since. However, there was still the rest of his family to deal with...

A few years ago, they started taking potshots at us on the property. The bullets were flying and here was the response of law enforcement: if you find a bullet, give us a call. You might want to remain indoors in the meantime.

Such courageous men, risking their lives to protect the public! They remind me of the lady's Christian family. Yes, I've had all of today I can take. The Lord have mercy upon me.
 

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I've been holding back but I don't see the point in it anymore. What kind of man was I before the Lord saved me from myself? The kind who terrified the sicko who did all of those horrible things to the lady. There's a reason why I performed so well as a solider: the depraved men who harangued me day and night forced me to tap into my rage and wield it like a weapon. When I enter into that place I become immune to fear and pain. If they're gonna shoot me they better make that shot count! I'm not exactly small so the bigger the gun, the better. 

The psychopath I faced was a punk, a swaggering idiot who was playing with his life by showing his face in my vicinity. This is the high desert and up here in the mountains my autistic fixation upon the environment is my best friend... I knew that scumbag was out there in the night because I could hear him. Nope, he neither heard me nor could see me so I could take the criminal out whenever I pleased. I could have done it using my Smith & Wesson .45 semi-automatic (all-steel frame) or  rifle... but I didn't. Murder is not in my nature (I abhor violence in fact) but I knew what I had to do. No one had my back and so I had no choice but to embrace war and my death. I wasn't going to murder the man but I had to be ready to kill him in a moment's notice. 

If the man was as stupid as I thought he was (so many are) I knew the time was swiftly approaching when I had to act. That scumbag could hit me with that 9mm all he wanted... that wouldn't stop me from erasing his filth from the face of the Earth. I started longing for him to make the first move; this is what I mean by "embracing war." I was a dead man already and so I wanted to hurry up and just get it over with before I lost my nerve. I wasn't planning on living much longer anyway but yes... the lady is worth it. I would've done this for anyone but as it turned out, she was the one I surrendered my life for.

I'd charge outside in the small hours of the morning (I rarely slept all winter long) at random times, using my spotlight to scour the landscape while I yelled at the psychopath to show himself. I knew this was having an effect on this violent offender because once I started acting like a lunatic howling for his blood (of course it was act on my part) he stopped coming around. I promised that he was going to die no matter how many times he shot me with his toy gun. After I took him out I'd find his little gangbanging buddies and take them out too. They were all bunch of punks who were so afraid of the ammunition they loved wasting. I wasn't!

Or, he could decide to leave and never come around again and by doing so leave me bitterly disappointed... but remain alive. I recommended he choose that course of action during those times when I stopped screaming and starting talking instead... because he also needed to hear sense since I really, really, REALLY didn't want to kill him unless I had to. 

All of this took place before I came to Christ. For the reader's reference: no, I wasn't doing these things as a Christian. Of course not! 

Once I was certain that the psychopath was gone, I promptly fell apart and paid the price for violating my own nature (violence makes me physically ill which is why I have to tap into rage to cope with engaging in it). Now that it was over I started breaking down... I didn't eat and rarely slept even though I sat in a chair in a catatonic state for hours on end. Both the lady and I bear many scars from what we endured together up here and I'll never be able to explain why Jesus Christ saved me from death. I was dying and richly deserved it; I was headed for the lake of fire and I accepted it! I was worthless anyway and was headed there from the moment I was born into this world.

I've been feeling that way lately... like I'm headed for the lake of fire. That's not what worries me: it's the lady I'm worried about! I've asked our Father to allow me to take her place because I know she's still an unbeliever even after everything the Lord has done! She watched me miraculously come back to life against the odds and then, after my birth in Spirit, met a changed man. No, I'm nothing like I was before.

I faced this man's family after I became a Christian. I carried no weapons nor did I issue a single threat against them. This was in obedience to God's Spirit even though they were armed and issuing threats against us all. I was scared out of my wits because once they cut me down, they'd finally get their evil hands on the lady... but the Lord assured me that all would be well.

And it was. But that was then and this is now. If you read through this, thank you for reading.  

Edited by DustyRoad

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At the risk of coming across as way out there (don't worry, I'm not!), I can scarcely believe what the Lord has done. How can I describe it to the reader? 

That's why this post belongs here. Step by step the Spirit of God led me out of the prison which autism raised for me inhabit... and this wasn't the only time either. This is why I'm astonished because I swiftly forgot about the nature of this trial and when it started:

The moment the lady told me about the second cancer in her body. That's when I started experiencing breakdowns which, as long as I'm able to effectively isolate from everyone else usually go undetected (those who live with me, however, eventually catch on). Not this time since I've maintained a presence here at Worthy on account of my savant-like ability to read and write even when I can't do anything else (like speak or tolerate company). This is no accident but then that's not exactly breaking news, is it? 

I came out of it for a while (returned to the forum) but then found myself headed straight for it again! I should explain that the notion of being separated from God is very much a part of the breakdown process I experience and this is where I faced the truth: yes, I can still feel that way but the irony of reasoning with the Lord whilst in the throes of that delusion wasn't lost on me. I should explain why that delusion is so compelling to the reader: there was a time when that wasn't a delusion but was reality. Like everyone else was at some point in their lives, I too was lost in my sins. PTSD never fails to remind me of everything in exquisite, agonizing detail so it too plays a role in that breakdown.

No, autism isn't due to sin my friends. It's simply a spectrum of related developmental disabilities some of which I suffer from. It should be apparent through my writing that I'm "normal" inside which is certainly not an act on my part. My sins were on me because I am indeed capable of exercising free will and I know right from wrong. Hence "the how and why" explaining why I'm capable of knowing God just like all of my brothers and sisters do. This is our Father's gift to me and it warms my heart (I have to be careful with joy!) to learn there are others on the spectrum who know Christ...

I can't begin to tell you how much hope this gives to me, dear reader. Feeling like you're alone or the only one (not much difference between the two) is a terrible burden to bear. Yeah, I forgot about my fellow bondservants who find themselves in places similar to mine. That God's Spirit resides with us and leads us into all Truth is all the testimony I need to overcome the stigma that I've done something terribly wrong. That's how I felt in the throes of that dark and terrible place --- I've done something wrong --- but that's not what my Savior said when he reminded me that I was doing fine now and should go to bed.

He told me things would never be the same again now that I've learned the truth: he's not leaving me or punishing me because of these afflictions. No... he doesn't always lift them all from us in this life my friends. God does as he pleases!  

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I particularly love how @maryjayne characterized autism as a processing disorder. Rather profound seeing as how that's the core of the disorder. It's developmental in origin and life-long in impact, affecting how the brain forms and grows starting in the womb. As I learned for myself, studies have established that the distribution of neurons throughout my brain deviate enough from the normative range to predispose me to experiencing difficulty with things which my peers take for granted. 

I know I'm puzzling to most which is why I sympathize with anyone who finds me too much to bear. It's okay, I understand. Believe me, you're not the only one who feels that way... join the club. I used to be the president until the Lord mercifully removed me from that position. :) 

Edited by DustyRoad
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9 minutes ago, DustyRoad said:

I know I'm puzzling to most which is why I sympathize with anyone who finds me too much to bear.

Brother, I'm very knowledgeable about numerous medical conditions concerning genetic and emotional maladies. Don't worry about being too much. You are valued here. My years are ahead of you by fifteen and a little more, but I've got you on my heart and mind. I'm lagging behind you due to my physical disabilities, but am trailing after you in prayer. God bless you and the friend you are caring for. 

Edited by BeauJangles
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4 minutes ago, BeauJangles said:

Brother, I'm very knowledgeable about numerous medical conditions concerning genetic and emotional maladies. Don't worry about being too much. You are valued here. My years are ahead of you by fifteen and a little more, but I've got you on my heart and mind. I'm lagging behind you due to my physical disabilities, but am trailing after you in prayer. God bless you and the friend you are caring for. 

You're always in my prayers, brother. God bless you and give you some rest!

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Beau  :bighug2:  Dusty

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Fruit

That best sums up what I have to write about today.

I pray that sharing what I experience here on the forum might prove to be of value to someone else who suffers. There was a time when I counted this terribly persistent awareness as a curse... why must I be such a self-conscious mess? I'd prefer to know nothing at all, thank you very much!  

The past five months (it'll be six in three more days) have been an experience like no other. Our Father in heaven revealed himself to me by delivering me to his Son, Jesus Christ. Nothing has been the same since because the Lord is with me every day. Even in the darkness when I was frantic that God's Spirit left he never once turned away from me in my affliction. No...

I was terrified. I started thinking that God sent an evil spirit just like he did to King Saul (1 Samuel 16:14) which meant I messed up big time. Messing up and failure have been my companions throughout life so little wonder that I'd find myself in such a place with the Lord. It was only a matter of time because I wasn't worthy of speaking the Holy One's name. I'm nothing but a trespasser.

That's involuntary on my part. Like many people on the autistic spectrum I spend a great deal of time living under the impression that I've done something wrong. When God opened my eyes to this truth I was floored by the revelation which followed. It really is my core affliction: I've done something terribly wrong. I'm horrible. I'm a mistake and shouldn't exist. Why make friends when I chase them away? Why inflict myself upon others? And so on. Consider those who believe they do no wrong and compare them to someone who believes that all he ever does is wrong. I'm the latter! 

After all of that runs its course and I'm reduced to isolating myself, I discover the following when the Lord opens my eyes and clears my mind:

This is my affliction, not an evil spirit! Of course I've committed wrongs... we all have!... but God is not like a man who'll pick me up only to put me back down. The man lacks the wherewithal to change a thing but the same doesn't hold true for Jesus Christ. Here's what I'm seeing now: every time I endure the trial I emerge different than I was before. I'm changed because Christ is changing me. 

Of course this is what many of my brothers and sisters call sanctification but it's all news to me, I'm afraid. How can I put it? Here's a stab at it:

No matter where I am, the Lord is there. 
No matter how I feel the Lord is with me; 
When I make a mistake he corrects me,
When I weep, he counts my tears. 

He's the one who made me, after all. Last night was the fourth night in a row of perfectly normal sleep so I do indeed have much to be thankful for! Normal sleep rejuvenates my body and mind, making it possible for me to be more resilient and thus thicker-skinned. Hallelujah!  

 



 

Edited by DustyRoad
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I've decided to leave the "looking for advice" forum behind since it doesn't seem to serve that purpose well, at least not where I'm concerned. I think the Testimony forum is better suited for this since no one but the Lord has "answers" for me... and I'm hoping that someone else out there will understand what I mean by that. If most weren't already ignoring me I'd do my best to ignore them... 

It's impossible for me to have friends. It's impossible for me to live one day completely free of the following: I've done something terribly wrong. 

It's impossible for me to live this life. It's impossible for me to remember anything without finding myself alone, in the darkness, all over again. It's impossible for me to go outside because the outdoors is a more expansive version of the four walls which currently contain me; because it's a bigger place that's exponentially more opportunities to do something terribly wrong. 

It doesn't matter what I do or don't do... every day is the same! During those days when I was younger and more resilient I worked and found myself in horrible debt; during the days of my decline I couldn't care for myself and I withered away. 

God's "people" threw me out many years ago... but now when I come before them decades later I don't recognize a single one. Many fell away and those who remain smack of this world of men which I despise more fervently than I hate myself...

Here's the only thing in this existence I can do: cling to God, because that's all I really have. I can't do anything else.  

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While the winds are roaring outside...

Now is a good time to walk in those things which are different this time around. I wrote about my childhood proclivity to "zone out" and focus fiercely elsewhere on the forum and this is the perfect place to expand on that somewhat: I'm scared out of my wits because the wind is in fact roaring outside!

So here I am engaging in that childhood habit of focusing fiercely upon something (writing) so I might forget about the wind outside. That's how I went out there a few winters ago when the winds were howling so I could find some goats lost in the storm; finding them became my reason for being. This helped me be there for a soldier who was stabbed repeatedly in the abdomen (his intestines were visible) and made it possible for me to forget about my catatonic chair long enough to safeguard the lady's life when she had need of me.

Not that long ago I was lost in the grip of my dreams which isn't so unusual considering how vivid they usually are. Those dreams become a problem if I focus intensely upon them to the exclusion of everything else, a familiar place I haunt whenever I'm in a depressive state. Here's one of those things which are different this time around:

One thunderstorm after another was moving through here during the period of time when I found Worthy in early September up until I left forum in early November. That's monsoon season here where I live and an interlude to something much more dreadful... winter time. Facing the psychopath who was stalking the lady during my first winter here was the prelude to my doom. After he left, I started withering away. 

There... now the reader understands what happens when the winds start to roar and/or drops of rain start falling. It's a riot which overwhelms my capacity to hold things together in what most would concur is a normal fashion so I draw upon my weirdness and zone out, side-stepping the need for normality. 

I can't begin to tell you how relieved I am, reader. Yes, God knows precisely how to reach me no matter where (or when) I am and so things are quite different this time around. For one thing, I'm not fiercely focusing on the plethora of dreams I've had and that alone is cause for celebration! Most important, however, is the understanding that the Lord is with me even while I'm terrified by the winds out there. He shows us a much better way. :)



  

Edited by DustyRoad

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