What to do?

[Revlori]

I was reading the threads about spousal abuse. I know a woman who is beat by her husband on occasion, they are constantly fighting and cussing each other. They say they are Christians, but this goes on ( The cussing and arguing) every week. The cops were called several times, however she won't turn her husband in for hitting her ( The times he did) they have been married over 50 year's, what do I do with them? I pray for them, I talk with them, I've tried to get them counseling as well as offered to counsel them myself, however they wont. They call to tell me about there fighting, I told them If there is any more physical abuse I'll turn them in myself. However nothing seems to work. I'm at the end of my rope with them. They hurt their family by their actions, their prayers are hindered because of this and I've tried everything to steer them in the right direction. I looks like they do really want help, from me or God. There seems to be no change over years of doing this except things get worse. 

Does anyone have any advice on this? 

[ayin jade]

There isnt much you can do except pray for the situation. They are unwilling to get help for it despite appearances. 

[Galleon]

If they are Christians, point them to God. If they want to stop fighting, then they need to ask God for help. You can pray for them as well.

A certain distance seems to be called for, at least as long as this issue persists. If they rely on you to solve everything and be there to seal up the leaks, then you become a crutch trying to support their weight. Might work for a time, but you are a person, not a crutch. It wouldn't end well for anyone. Then, if they persist in bashing skulls and don't seem to be genuine in wanting to stop, I think I'd cut off contact. Otherwise they'd just insist on trying you drag you into it.

[Coliseum]

1 hour ago, Revlori said:

I was reading the threads about spousal abuse. I know a woman who is beat by her husband on occasion, they are constantly fighting and cussing each other. They say they are Christians, but this goes on ( The cussing and arguing) every week. The cops were called several times, however she won't turn her husband in for hitting her ( The times he did) they have been married over 50 year's, what do I do with them? I pray for them, I talk with them, I've tried to get them counseling as well as offered to counsel them myself, however they wont. They call to tell me about there fighting, I told them If there is any more physical abuse I'll turn them in myself. However nothing seems to work. I'm at the end of my rope with them. They hurt their family by their actions, their prayers are hindered because of this and I've tried everything to steer them in the right direction. I looks like they do really want help, from me or God. There seems to be no change over years of doing this except things get worse. 

Does anyone have any advice on this? 

Hi Revlori. You said a few things that resonated with me. You gave them an ultimatum ("I told them If there is any more physical abuse I'll turn them in myself."), "I[t] looks like they do really want help, from me or God," and "There seems to be no change over years of doing this except things get worse."

One of the things I have learned personally is that after much prayer and promising action, I cannot toy with my words not meaning what they intend after speaking them. This happened to me after great risk, but I called their bluff and God blessed the circumstances. The only thing of caution would be to have a backup plan, because if any violence escalates, the one taking the risk may have no means of escape. This becomes especially noticeable after you declared that things were getting worse. If this couple are really Christian, they are your brother and sister, so if it is at all possible, and within your means, try to help. If not, keep praying that God will determine the best scenario for them. Best to you sister.

[Revlori]

4 minutes ago, Coliseum said:

Hi Revlori. You said a few things that resonated with me. You gave them an ultimatum ("I told them If there is any more physical abuse I'll turn them in myself."), "I[t] looks like they do really want help, from me or God," and "There seems to be no change over years of doing this except things get worse."

One of the things I have learned personally is that after much prayer and promising action, I cannot toy with my words not meaning what they intend after speaking them. This happened to me after great risk, but I called their bluff and God blessed the circumstances. The only thing of caution would be to have a backup plan, because if any violence escalates, the one taking the risk may have no means of escape. This becomes especially noticeable after you declared that things were getting worse. If this couple are really Christian, they are your brother and sister, so if it is at all possible, and within your means, try to help. If not, keep praying that God will determine the best scenario for them. Best to you sister.

Thank you for this, but let me ask what more help would you recommend? I do intend on keeping my word about the abuse. Something has to stop before she gets hurt bad, however they may not tell me of the abuse now after saying this. This couple knows me and knows that I keep my word. They know I hate this behavior and There is no excuse for abuse of any kind. I love this couple very much, but I really don't know how else to help them.

[Coliseum]

8 minutes ago, Revlori said:

Thank you for this, but let me ask what more help would you recommend? I do intend on keeping my word about the abuse. Something has to stop before she gets hurt bad, however they may not tell me of the abuse now after saying this. This couple knows me and knows that I keep my word. They know I hate this behavior and There is no excuse for abuse of any kind. I love this couple very much, but I really don't know how else to help them.

You may not be able to help, nor could I personally recommend any because I do not know more than a paragraph of information. You know more about their private lives. But what I am saying is that whoever is at risk (the wife), must have a clear means of escape before others become her "rescuer." I know of a couple whose wife also was being abused. Others suggested she leave without any backup arrangements. When she informed her husband, he sent her to the hospital. She needed protection before she told him. No backup plan. For that reason alone, I personally could not recommend anything. My giving advice, or anyone giving advice, without knowing how the benefits outweigh the risks, would be foolish. You might want to consult a counselor first.

[Revlori]

17 minutes ago, Coliseum said:

You may not be able to help, nor could I personally recommend any because I do not know more than a paragraph of information. You know more about their private lives. But what I am saying is that whoever is at risk (the wife), must have a clear means of escape before others become her "rescuer." I know of a couple whose wife also was being abused. Others suggested she leave without any backup arrangements. When she informed her husband, he sent her to the hospital. She needed protection before she told him. No backup plan. For that reason alone, I personally could not recommend anything. My giving advice, or anyone giving advice, without knowing how the benefits outweigh the risks, would be foolish. You might want to consult a counselor first.

Thank you, yes I agree a back up plan is needed if one has chosen to leave in an abusive relationship. However neither wants to leave, all three of us has spoken about this ( if they would want this as an option, even for a time of rest and possibly a time to clear their minds. I had even found them Christian housing for temporary stays with counseling) but they declined the offers. I have spoken to pastors and christian counselors, however I'm advised that they must want help before anyone can help. I understand this and agree with it. But I don't know what to do with them. When they call or come over its the same thing. There fighting again, I offer prayer, I offer a place to even stay the night, I offer help to talk out there issues and show them positive solutions. But nothing, no change and when they leave or hang up they have reconciled for the moment but within a few days to a week there doing it again. I'm sorry I don't want to burden you my friend, but this is wearing me down. I do love them and that's why I'm trying so hard to help them. I want them to be delivered and to love as they once did. It hurts me to see them this way.

[Coliseum]

23 minutes ago, Revlori said:

Thank you, yes I agree a back up plan is needed if one has chosen to leave in an abusive relationship. However neither wants to leave, all three of us has spoken about this ( if they would want this as an option, even for a time of rest and possibly a time to clear their minds. I had even found them Christian housing for temporary stays with counseling) but they declined the offers. I have spoken to pastors and christian counselors, however I'm advised that they must want help before anyone can help. I understand this and agree with it. But I don't know what to do with them. When they call or come over its the same thing. There fighting again, I offer prayer, I offer a place to even stay the night, I offer help to talk out there issues and show them positive solutions. But nothing, no change and when they leave or hang up they have reconciled for the moment but within a few days to a week there doing it again. I'm sorry I don't want to burden you my friend, but this is wearing me down. I do love them and that's why I'm trying so hard to help them. I want them to be delivered and to love as they once did. It hurts me to see them this way.

Dear Rev (see, now you are a reverend),

You are not burdening me sister. Remember the guy taken to the inn and came back and even paid for his lodging? We must help as we can. I understand better your situation, but you can only lead a horse to water. There are many kinds of addiction, but in one's heart is the only place it can be overcome. If a man is not ready to deal with it, he is simply not ready. It took me to the point of throwing in life's towel before I was left with only two choices: survive, or perish. God limited my choices for me---thankfully. 

We train ourselves to be exactly like we are. We engineer ourselves to automatically repeat what we do. Sometimes you can throw a monkey wrench into the works and stop the wheel from turning, but most times, it will turn like a mouse in a cage, endlessly looking for a reward that is not there. You have tried convincing them---but they are blind to what you are saying. They do not see the reward. Pray that God will reveal it.

Edited December 6, 2019 by Coliseum

[Revlori]

7 hours ago, Coliseum said:

Dear Rev (see, now you are a reverend),

You are not burdening me sister. Remember the guy taken to the inn and came back and even paid for his lodging? We must help as we can. I understand better your situation, but you can only lead a horse to water. There are many kinds of addiction, but in one's heart is the only place it can be overcome. If a man is not ready to deal with it, he is simply not ready. It took me to the point of throwing in life's towel before I was left with only two choices: survive, or perish. God limited my choices for me---thankfully. 

We train ourselves to be exactly like we are. We engineer ourselves to automatically repeat what we do. Sometimes you can throw a monkey wrench into the works and stop the wheel from turning, but most times, it will turn like a mouse in a cage, endlessly looking for a reward that is not there. You have tried convincing them---but they are blind to what you are saying. They do not see the reward. Pray that God will reveal it.

Thank you for that insight. It's true I know, I will continue to pray for them and be there for them. Perhaps I can influence the training ( as you stated:We train ourselves to be exactly like we are. We engineer ourselves to automatically repeat what we do.) Perhaps looking at this view, I can help them make small changes in the behavior, re-training, from old habits to reform good habits. I have provided steps to them, but I see now they might of been to large for them to take.I have dealt with many who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, sexual behavior and disorders, but never really looked at anger as an addition. This opens my heart toward a fresh approach. Thank you.

May God bless you ?

 

[Revlori]

8 hours ago, ayin jade said:

There isnt much you can do except pray for the situation. They are unwilling to get help for it despite appearances. 

Thank you, I do see that, but yet it hurts to see people hurting and rejecting truth that can help them. We all, i'm sure, feel the pain from others who are hurting and desire so much for them to be set free.  Our savior experiences this everyday. I will continue to pray and reach out, possibly with a fresh approach and will Also have to step back a little when they continue to reject his truth and hand of help.

Thank you, may God bless you ?