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Unrequited love


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Forgive me. This is something that a lot of (probably everyone at least once in their life) people experience, but I find it very difficult to cope with. I know I'm not unique in having this situation. I am hoping I can get some advice on what I should do in this situation, or even if not advice then just an outside opinion. I need some sort of help... please forgive me.

Warning: this is going to be long, as there is a lot to explain. I would be eternally grateful if someone would read this, though.

I'm young. I have emotions. Quite often I can get very caught up in them. I pay a great deal of attention to my emotions because that's the type of person I am. I listen to my heart when sometimes it's better for me to listen to my head. I act based on how I feel.

As a child I went to a Catholic primary school, so I was educated in the ways of the Bible, and about Jesus, etc. But after I left that school, I went on to just "normal" schools and because of that I drifted from God. I forgot what I had been taught, and I went into a deep struggle with depression. I've been in this struggle for at least eight years of my life. In my later teen years I turned my back on God, blaming Him for all the bad there was in my life. I lived for years feeling I was worthless and that I deserved death. I bordered on suicide many times and I became a cutter.

There are reasons for my depression but I won't go into that because it'll make this post even longer.

This year, I moved out of home for the first time, back in February, so that I could come to university. I made a smooth transition, better than I had thought I would. I came to live in a student hostel that has around 100 residents. I came with the intention of making a lot of new friends, and having a new life, like a new beginning. I didn't come looking for a special person. But against my better judgement, I left myself fall in love with a guy who lives here.

As I said, I'm a person who acts on her emotions. It was probably a stupid move, but my feelings were making me feel insane so I told the guy. (I'm gonna refer to him as John from now on to make it easier). He handled it well... he was very kind. He came and talked to me and explained that he had recently come out of a long-term relationship. He said that he really doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now, because when a person is in a relationship it's very easy to rely on a 'partner' to help you through things, when he feels that he needs to do some growing up on his own. There were other things to do with this too, which I have slowly found out more about over time.

I was crushed, but not really surprised. After all, I always felt worthless, so I figured this was bound to be the outcome I'd get. I went on being depressed, and this added to my reasons. I went on cutting.

Gradually, though, John and I became better friends. I finally trusted him enough to tell him more about myself. I told him about my depression, my past, and the scariest thing of all - my cutting. I thought he would be freaked out and distance himself from me. But again he was very kind. There is one moment that remains very clear in my mind - it was around 3am one night and I had gotten upset and hurt myself. He came all the way over to my room (which is in another block from his) at that ungodly hour to make sure I was all right, even though I argued with him not to come and that I was fine. He ignored my protests and came anyway. He gave me a hug and sat with me until he was sure I was okay. Then he left. I'll never forget that.

Through his love and kindness, he brought me back to God. He encouraged me to come back to church, so I did. It was a struggle at first but eventually I became comfortable enough with it to go every week. I was given a bible by the church and now I read it frequently. I also pray every night. My life is changing, my whole attitude towards myself and life is changing, all because of God's love. I've accepted him back into my life and ever since then I've been experiencing depression a lot less than I used to. I have changed so much since I first came to live here.

It's been months since I first told John how I felt, and my feelings are still just as strong as ever. I respect his decision not to have a girlfriend, because he has explained to me since then a few extra things about himself and it all makes sense. We have become such good friends though, and this is such a struggle to me. He cares about me, I know that because he has told me. There have been a few times when I've lost it slightly (I become a different person when I'm depressed.. it's very scary) and expressed to him that maybe we shouldn't have contact with eachother. His reaction to that wasn't what I had thought. I figured I didn't mean that much to him and that he would be okay with it, but he wasn't. He was upset, hurt, and offended when I said that. I frustrate him a lot, I know. But that's not really me. I'm someone else when I'm unhappy. I don't think clearly. I don't REALLY want to break off my friendship with him, but for some reason I thought of that as being the only way to fix things.

Anyway... we had a talk and got over that. Things have been going well. I've been praying to God to make our friendship better, and it's been happening. God has really been listening to me. I love Him.

Over the last few weeks John and I have gotten really close. He visits me a lot more than he used to. Sometimes he'll ask if I want company before he comes over, other times I'll just get a knock at my door and he'll waltz on in. Quite often he'll stay for a few hours and we'll end up having playfights. I have soft toys that I throw at him and he throws them back, so that we get into a sort of war. We throw mock insults back and forth at eachother, laughing the whole time, and hit eachother with stuff (like my pillow, or a soft toy flower that I have - it's very good for whacking, hehe). We usually end up trying to wrestle the offending weapon off eachother, which progresses into tickle fights most of the time. This can go on for AGES.. or until someone ends up on the floor, or something.

It is wonderful. I'm so glad I can have that type of friendship with him. I only wish that it could either progress into something deeper, or remain purely platonic. Neither of those is happening though - as he has already made it clear he doesn't want a relationship, and no matter what I do my feelings for him won't go away.

I have prayed to God to guide me, and show me what I need to be doing. Somehow there must be something I'm missing... something he is showing me but I'm not seeing, right? Because even though I've prayed to him for this, John still keeps on acting the same way - he usually starts our playfights because he'll tease me about something, and I'll retaliate. I want to take that as a sign that something may soon happen, but I don't want to let myself get carried away in case that's not true. I even started praying to God to take away the feelings I have for John, but that hasn't happened either.

Am I praying wrong? I know that deep in my heart I actually want John to come to me and say he wants me to be his girlfriend, so maybe that's why my prayer to have my feelings taken away didn't work. I know the Bible says that God already knows what you need before you pray for it - what I need is to stop feeling so torn by what is happening... I'm extremely confused and I can't seem to make anything clear for myself (concerning the situation).

If John didn't feel for me, then why does he hang out with me more often now, and playfight and tickle, etc.?

I really love him. And for once it's not because I feel like I want to be loved - I mean, of course I'd like to be loved, but in this situation I want to be with him because I want the chance to GIVE him MY love. I want to make him feel wonderful. I want to make him feel as special as he makes me feel. I am so devoted to him... that if I did eventually get the chance to go out with him, I would work SO hard to make it all work out.

What should I do, though? I don't understand. It crossed my mind that maybe he does like me but he needs to hold himself back because of the decision he made. He has told me he finds me attractive before. One night he refused to have a hug from me, which he later said was because he was "struggling with things that being hugged by a hot girl wouldn't have helped with". I didn't ask him to fully explain that because I didn't want to pry.

I have talked with my dad about this a bit, and he gets the impression that maybe John is feeling confused about his own feelings. I just... I don't know. I can't afford to make assumptions like that, because John is an individual person and we all work in different ways. There is no way for me to tell how he is feeling or what he is thinking.

I will keep praying for God to sort it all out, but I would just really really love to have some advice for my situation. Do I try to kill the feelings I have for him so that I can remain friends with him on a platonic level? To me that feels like the wrong thing to do. I don't like to be unfaithful to my feelings.

My strongest inclination is to just wait until a time when he feels he IS ready to go into a relationship again, and then see if he would like to try me. But I just don't know.... am I making this into more of an issue than it really is?

Thankyou if you've read this far. And again, forgive me...

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Your strongest inclination is probably the right one.

John would probably choose you, based on his behaviour, if he were in the market for a soulmate right now. However, he's not. The whole point of dating/courting is to find the life's mate/soul mate which God has for you. It's not for recreation. Perhaps this last relationship he had made him realise this.

He might, subconciously, believe in something that I feel very strongly about, called courtship. It's the process of picking a life's mate from amongst your friends. You learn about this person in a situation where they are not out to impress you by following a dating role. Eventually you become best friends and then eventually, you know that you are compatible and make a committment. However you don't make this commitment until you are ready to marry. There are alot of reasons for it and if you wish I'll explain them.

However, at this point just think about this...

Passion comes and goes. That spark is there one day and gone the next and sometimes it just fades away and then fades back in. It is of course part of being human and in a marriage it is quite lovely and appropriate. However it is not the foundation of that marriage. The very close friendship, the fact that you can tell this person anything and they will love you...the fact that you can be yourself and they will support you...the fact that nobody knows you better than them and they embrace your faults as much as your strengths...this is what keeps married people together for long periods of time. If the friendship and respect are not therre, the marriage will fall apart based on lack of passion.

If you end up waiting for him for years and he finally says "Hun, I think I've been in love with you for years, lets make something of this" think of how much "premarital" work you two have already accomplished because you already know almost everything...Think about how solid this will be because you have this foundation in friendship to get you through the tough times which will come once your hearts get tangled up in each other.

And if it happens that he moves away and he looses touch, then you know that you weren't meant to be together and he saved you a broken heart.

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I understand that. I have felt the same way about someone as well. It's difficult to deal with. Sometimes you unfortunately have to "stuff it" and accept that what you want can never really be unless God allows it. I had to say goodbye to someone I really loved and cared about and it wasn't easy but I did it. It hurt. It still does. But you know what? I'm learning how to go on with my life without him.

Anita

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Thankyou to both of you for reading this. It means a lot to me. It's also a huge weight off my shoulders to be able to have a bit of a 'rant' about how I'm feeling, and the predicament I'm in.

I really appreciate both of your views. LadyRaven, you made a lot of sense.

I'm going to spend a lot of time with God this week to try and help me through how I'm feeling. It is very hard when there is something you're longing for but you can't have it.

Again thankyou, and God bless.

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Hey Stitchy, No particular advise except to be careful. Take your time. Give it all to God and trust in him with all your heart. He really does know the best. One of the great secrets of being a Christian is not demanding what you want but putting the entire situation in God's hands and trusting him.

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Thankyou. That is a lesson that I think I really need to learn. Perhaps God is trying to teach me something here... to be patient, or not to let my feelings get the better of me, which I have done quite often in the past and it's only gotten me hurt.

I'll leave whatever happens up to God to decide.

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  • 1 month later...

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Stitchy, I may be younger than you by far but I know what you're dealing with. I've been in the same situation with (my now ex-girlfriend) Claire..and I want her back. When I read your story, and the other thread dealing with this, I jumped. Because it's ringing bells deep within..

I'm here if you want to talk, ok? Don't take me lightly due to my age.

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Stitchy, :closedeyes:

This might not be what you want to hear, but I'm concerned about how you respond to emotional stress. I'm talking about cutting yourself when you get upset. You also weren't very clear about your past, what is causing your depression?. Why are you depressed? I hope that you are not Co-dependent on John. Some people that don't handle stress to well, will sometimes use other things to feel better. Some use drugs, some use alcohol, some use sex. I would like to recommend, that you seek God with all your heart, so that He will strengthen you, to help you handle your emotional situations when they arise.

If in the past you did not get some emotional need met or something, sometimes God uses these things no matter how painful to draw us near to Him, and replacing what He is trying to do with Drugs, Sex, cutting, will not work. Christ is the only one who can fill that empty need you have, the one that causes you to cut yourself, Christ is your answer not anything else or anyone else.

God will never leave us or forsake us, unlike people. I love my wife, but I'm not totally dependent on her, God is first in my life. Make God first in your life, and He will give you peace, in bad times. This you can be sure, that no matter what comes up, God has a plan.

Love and Peace

Spiritman

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