JamieWamie

I'm sorry I know that you mean no harm by that and I knew that someone would say that but we were living together and had kids before I was Christian. Thanks for all your insight and advice but I think maybe I just needed to vent, I'm very sorry to waste your time I hope you all have a great week =)

I don't know if that's a very Christian thing to do though. .... and although he's never been diagnosed I think he may have some mental problems like aspergers or something.... I just don't know what to do thinking about leaving him just depresses me more but it does seem like the only thing I would have control over, than what? I'd still be in debt, a single mother with a torn apart family and alone =(

I just don't know what to do.... if I just need to vent... if I need a hug.... or to cry... I pray and I pray and I pray! But this dark cloud still follows me wherever I go. I will talk to people at work and they just tell me to dump my boyfriend. I talk to family and they remind me that everything I'm going through is just part of being an adult. All my stressors are Normal I know, but I'm just about near the point of breaking. ... like I feel like if I were to just hide in a cave than the world would be better off! I dunno how to explain without turning it into a bunch of scrambled mumbo jumbo.. so here's a list.... I can do lists - BILLS BILLS AND MORE BILLS they come every month and I'm terribly behind.... I did the math and I'm roughly $3,275 behind in bills not including the next round coming this month!and my bills are usually around $1600 a month... I HAD good credit. .. I'm too afraid to check it now! Iv never been behind before but family things happen and I budgeted well but never could make enough to make an emergency savings account. So I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't even afford to feed my babies hardly (I'm glad they like ramen!) And normally I'm not into holidays too much. But it's a pretty terrible fwelding when you know that you won the be able to give your children presents for Christmas! -landlord big unhappy not very nice person I pay my rent every month with a cashiers check. For November I asked my boyfriend to get the cashier's check for me and he mailed it as well. And m6 landlord is telling me that he's never received that rent and doug (the boyfriend ) lost the reciept.... which I havent told him that or than he'll claim that we never mailed it out. I went to the bank to see if I can get them to reissue a new one. But they told me that they can't until 90 days after it's issued. I told my landlord this and he wants to evict me if I don't have not only this months rent but November's rent by Wednesday! -work..... you knew this was coming.... I work 2 full time jobs. 12-16 hours a day, days a week. I love my jobs. I'm a medsurge/ICU tech and work in a nursing home with alzeimers and dementia. ... it's a very rwearing job. And keeping busy helps me to stay distracted from every thing else going on. . .but I get so depressed. My children are growing up without me....I work so much and I still can't support my family. I feel like no matter how hard I try I just can't be good enough. ... it depressing... but than when I'm actually off I'm stressing over how far behind I am! -boyfriend. ... yup we knew this was coming too! I love doug. We have been together for 6 years. We have two adorable babies together. ... one is three and the other is two.... when we were together he had a decent job. But than was laid off due to the store closing. .... I figured you know what. ... I love him and he'll get right back on his feet. When we lived in Joplin he found two jobs. Both of which he was fired in two weeks because he worked too slow, couldn't comprehend how to do the job and I even found free cna classes for him too.... which also didn't work out. ... At the time I wasn't too worried. ... I made decent money, we only had one car anyway, I could pay the bills and we were on foodstamps too. Plus I didn't have to pay for childcare! When we moved to kansas city it was like he gave up. He quit looking for a job, he would say that he was but he never had any applications filled out. It was getting harder for me to keep up with housework because since I was making more money I had to get a second job... and those 12-16 hour shifts suck.... so our house is messy for 6 days a week and I clean it on my day off. I work the overnight shift and usually when I come home the babies wake up and I'll make them breakfast. And I'll try to get doug up which usually requires sending babies into tickling him or a Glass of cold water or whatever. And when I get up there's a food mess. The babies are running around with a messy face and messy hands, and doug is on Facebook. ... I work every weekend so I ask doug to take them to church and he forgets every week as a matter of fact doug won't take them anywhere just because he forgets.... I just had to pay his traffic tickets withe totaled to be $745 and he wrecked my car at the beginning of the year which cost my tax refund. Honestly I'm unsure of how well he watches the babies and doesn't even work with them on their preschool stuff I got them. I talked to him about this time and time again. And all he does is nod hid head and say yeah I know, or I understand.... my friends tell me that I'm taking care of a man child and I need to dumb him.... which I understand and I've often times thought about it but I do love him and all I ever wanted in life was a family that wasn't torn apart. Plus if I left him than where would he go... I kicked him out once because he called me a whore. And he lasted all day before coming back crying, sunbured and dehydrated. Honestly I think I could cut him off if I knew that he would be okay and still be in the babies life. Than I think about what I would do without a babysitter . But than again he hardly takes care of them anyway. Iv been so depressed I just feel like disappearing. I don't know what to do anymore . My best isn't good enough and the light at the end of the tunnel looks an aweful lot like an oncoming train! I know this is kind of a choppy read but I'm doing this at work and on my phone so in between typing this I'm taking care of people =)