amilya213

Amen! It was Christ who was condemned for me - for my sinful ways. Why continue the condemnation? The Lord is doing a work in me. No more condemnation. Helmet of salvation!! Thank you Alejandro - this was a great inspiration. Prayerfully - I will harness it tomorrow as well.

Thank you alien! I am seeing a Christian counselor. Just switched to a new one (saw someone for two years) and I am going to see her for the second time today. Hope she'll be able to help me on this.

...and its a good job. I'm a teacher. I started with all the "Christian intentions" one might guess. - but now it's literally killing me, sucking the life out of me. I'm just not sure if it is actually the job or if it's me. I just finalized an amicable but tearing, emotionally bruising, heart sickening divorce. He was cheating, I forgave, he didn't want my forgiveness. As a result I have grown so much and God has truly turned it all into a blessing. On the other end though the whole thing has damaged me, broken me and unearthed some of my own issues and short comings that need to be addressed. Thus creates a vicious cycle... I'm a perfectionist, nothing is ever good enough, I don't want to be like this any more. I know all the things there is to know... I could never actually be perfect, God loves me the way I am, all that matters is how God sees me and he sees me through Christs righteousness and washed clean and pure in His blood - the problem is - I can't see it or I guess really truly believe and adopt it as truth in my heart. I know its true!! I believe it!! Really, really I do! ...but... I don't. Or at least my actions and my thoughts don't line up with it. Next, I have no self-control. In grade school I would always get an "Needs Improvement" in this area. It still lurks. I don't know what my problem is - and I know this is a fruit of the Spirit but (a) how do I tap into it or allow it to come forth and (b) don't have I also have some responsibility to do what needs to be done? To add though... I think sometimes my perfectionism creates more "needs" or "to dos" than are actually necessary. Then when I don't complete them all, I simply drop the ball on the whole endeavor of being diligent. This could be a root yet its not the only one. I can start a brand new day, trying to get up in the morning for devotional and I just hit the snooze. Now I know this is something many struggle with yet I don't want to be one of the "many." I want to be one of the few... that can get up in the morning. I've tired and tried and I just can't do it. I've even resorted to setting my alarm to 4:30am, taking a caffeine pill, and falling back to sleep. A half hour later my body is so hyped up I can't sleep. It's actually really great! I'd get up and read the bible for 1 -2 hours, go for a run, cook a little. Loved it! The problem now is (a) I know that's not healthy and more importantly (b) it's not working as well anymore because my body is becoming tolerant to the dosage. Another thing... if you couldn't already tell - I am very hard on myself. All day long I self-condemn and I have tired so many things - and yes "I know" that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus but try telling my brain that! So the fact is that I don't want to teach any more. I just don't really like it and I can't bring myself to do it every day. I do teach them, minimally, I don't plan extravagant lesson plans like I once did when I first entered the profession (in my defense part of that is due to my learning boundaries and that staying up until 3am cutting soda cans for a bulletin board project is not healthy either). I just teach and then give them some group work and sit at my desk. The lady that teaches with me, who I've talked to about all of this, tells me she understands and that yes I could be doing more but that I am really not doing as bad as I tell myself. I also get really good evaluations from my administrators. But...I just don't buy it. And I make myself miserable about it... For 2 years I've been doing this to myself. I have finally made the decision to actually quit at the end of this year but in the process I feel like I am disappointing God. I've dedicated this to prayer many times in the morning, read teacher related devotionals, drove to work ready and raring to make a difference and to force myself to be a good steward of my gifts and to work with where God has put me and then I'll maybe do good for first period and then my next three classes decline as time goes by. A part of me feels like God is saying that after all I have been through I need to feed me and that this is not a time that I could pour out onto others... and teaching is such a "pour out" kind of job. The thing is, I am also getting my masters in counseling and when I go to my internship, I am pouring out there too, but I can actually do it. I am still dragging a bit because of all the other stuff that is going on but its not as heavy a weight as teaching is. I just don't know what to do.