MY TESTIMONY

Proverbs 14:12 There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. 14. The backslider in heart shall be filled with his own ways: and a good man shall be satisfied from himself.

Sunday evening, December 4, 2021, Brother Jimmy's (our pastor) message was the above. It was uncanny how it followed my testimony and life as a backslider. Our Lord is a people person. He created people in His own image; he used people to plant His churches and spread the seed of the Gospel and the Holy Spirit convicts. He also used people that had an impact on my life.

I am proud and unashamed to confess my Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. Jesus did what I could not do for myself; He saved and changed me. He changed my want to's and transformed my life into a new creature in Christ. My testimony is to honor, thank, praise, and glorify the Lord for what He did for me.

Here is some brief background and inspirations for how the Lord worked in my life: I was raised in a non-Christian home. My grandparents on my father's side were devout Christians, and I still remember my grandfather's testimony about how he was and what he and my uncle Avan were about to do to another man: kill him due to anti-union sentiment. At the last moment, something happened, and they did not carry out their plan. Pap, as I called him, short for pappy, shortly after this incident, accepted the Lord as his Savior. Though I did not realize then, my grandparents would set a Christian example I will never forget that greatly influenced me. They walked the walk.

I loved and admired my grandparents; they were my role models. As a child and growing up, I spent many weekends with them. Neither my grandfather nor grandmother ever drove or owned a car.

My grandfather walked two miles to work and back each day. I remember when he moved from Wellston, Mo., then to Fredrick town, and finally to Dexter, Mo.; most days, he would walk to the town square and witness, handing out Gospel Tract Society Bible tracts.

I remember, as a young boy, walking to Chatham Bible Church with my grandparents for Sunday School and church every weekend when I frequently visited.

One morning after children's Sunday School at about ten years old, I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Savior, led by my Sunday School teacher, whose name I have long forgotten.

The years passed, and I grew up rebellious against my father, who was an alcoholic, and he embarrassed me. I wanted out of the house and be on my own at any cost. I joined the Army shortly after graduating from high school, and that was the start of a decades-long carnal rebellion with the lusts of my flesh, enjoying my sin and becoming an alcoholic myself. I had never gotten drunk until I was in the Army; that became a decades-long struggle with alcoholism, affecting many areas of my life and others' lives. Generationally, now father-like son.

During those decades of rebellion, enjoying sin, living a sensual life, and getting drunk about every other day, if not daily when I could, I never wholly separated myself or abandoned the Lord [or, I should rather say, the Lord never abandoned me].

I vividly remember receiving a lovely care package and New Testament Bible from Gideons International right before shipping off to basic training and my service in Vietnam. Fifty-plus years later, I still remember that and appreciate it so much. That left a fond memory for the Gideons and their work for the Lord.

I read my Bible from time to time during those decades and said to myself, "Dennis, you need to repent" [or was the Holy Spirit speaking to me through my thoughts]. In retrospect, I believe it was the Holy Spirit talking to me. I had never read the Bible from cover to cover until 1995. I should mention that the Holy Spirit was convicting me and whispering in my ear during those decades of shame, rebellion, and disobedience in my thoughts. In many ways, my life was similar to the biblical prodigal son [reckless and wasteful].

It may be wishful thinking or not. In Vietnam and my early adult life, before my grandparents were called home by the Lord, I thought I could feel or sense someone was praying for me. That someone could only have been my grandparents. Decades later, this Bible verse jumped off the pages of scripture and has a special meaning to me: 

James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

When in harm's way, machine guns and mortars coming at me, a real sense of my vulnerability and mortality engulfed me. More than once, my thoughts cried out to Jesus to save me.

On October 13, 2007, my mother passed away. At some point during my career, my mom accepted the Lord as her Savior and became a member of the 1^st Baptist Church of Dexter, Missouri. I bring this up to say that this church gave me a lasting memory that I have never forgotten.

The Christian ladies and members of this church provided my family and me with a banquet after the funeral and comforted us in our grieving. I could not have felt more welcome by them and a feeling of where I belonged back in church. I think to myself, what Godly and kind people, Lord, I miss being absent.

So much transpired in those decades, too numerous to mention. The day finally came in May 2009 when I decided to retire from the Federal Government. I had not seriously thought about where I wanted to move to and live in my retirement other than I wanted to escape city life. For some reason, I felt drawn to Tennessee, where I now reside.

One day, I suddenly remembered a long-forgotten thought that struck me in 1973 while I was stationed at Fort Campbell, KY. While on the flight line for no apparent reason, that thought was, "This area is where you are going to retire if that day comes." Where did that thought and memory from almost fifty years ago come from?

After retiring, making many trips down to this area, and purchasing the home I now reside in, the alcoholism continued. I was out riding my lawnmower in front, drinking a beer, cutting grass at maybe 9:30 A.M. on a Sunday, and watching a couple of neighbors pass by around that time, driving somewhere, the most likely Sunday School and church, I suspected. Again, that little whisper in my ear was convicting me. I was still stubborn, willful, disobedient, and resisting the Lord's calling for repentance.

After moving to Tennessee in 2009, I would drive by numerous churches in my travels and not even give them a second thought, with an exception. Every time I went by Shady Grove Baptist Church, a little voice in my head would say, "Dennis, you need to stop by there and attend a service."

I am about convinced by this time that it is the Holy Spirit speaking to me. I would think and answer, "I know I should, Lord, but it has been so long since I have been in church."

I would feel so guilty; the people are strangers, and I am scared. I will try one of these days, Lord; please do not give up on me. I was making excuses for myself and still resisting hard. The non-surrender and disobedience continued for some time until November 24, 2016.

About a year before this date, my younger and only brother shot himself in the heart and died alone in his home. That weighed heavily on my soul to this day.

In mid-November of 2016, my wife visited a couple of our children in the St. Louis, Missouri, area. I had things to do around here with six acres and chores, so I stayed home. I got well stocked up with plenty of frozen dinners and a few cases of Busch beer, and now I am all set.

The late morning of November 24, 2016, was a beautiful, crisp, bright fall bluebird day, and I was in a great mood. I had nothing particular on my mind except what chores I wanted to accomplish.

I want to mention here that I would go to bed many nights, and my mind would involuntarily drift to, what if I do not wake up and die in my sleep? Am I truly saved? I am living an ungodly life for myself, not following the Lord and His will for my life. People looking at me see a drunkard, not a Christ follower.

I would describe it as night sweats, night terror, overcome with great fear, and deep concern for where my soul would go. Why am I thinking these thoughts? Where are they coming from? Bar none; this is the most fearful and unsettling thing I have ever experienced. Eternity never ends; I cannot even comprehend that.

On November 24, 2016, I did not recall thinking about much of anything, but I was in a good mood with a beautiful day in-store. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I got slammed; something so powerful overcame me unexpectedly.

Over the years, my heart hardened, I tried to be tough, and I was stubborn and wilful. On that day, I suddenly dropped to my knees, sobbing as I had never cried before, in shame, guilt, and sorrow. I was suddenly spiritually broken and hurting as I had never hurt before.

From every fiber of my being, I begged the Lord for His mercy and forgiveness and confessed how bad of a sinner I am and desperately needing forgiveness. I begged the Lord to please take me back, change me, and give me joy and purpose in following and serving Him.

I had no permanent lasting joy in my life. I woke up every other morning with a hangover, wishing the day away so I would start to feel better again, rinse and repeat. I would fill the void of unhappiness with temporary lusts of life by buying a new truck, a new bass boat, and new boy toys. In the end, what do you possess? That temporary happiness quickly flees as fast as it came. Always a feeling of wanting more and better "things."

I said in my heart and prayer, Lord, I desire to give You preeminence in my life, and I will need your help, Dear Lord. I cannot do anything alone. I did not want to make a promise to the Lord; I have a lifetime of broken promises, which deeply hurt.

In my prayer, I requested 'three' things from the Lord. (1) To remove the craving for beer from my mouth and cure my alcoholism. (2) To direct me to a church He would have me attend. (3) Refresh my memory of the name of my childhood Sunday School teacher, whom I had long forgotten. For some reason, I felt compelled to try to talk to her if she was still alive. The Lord answered all three of my prayer requests.

When I finished praying to the Lord, with tears soaking me, words cannot describe how I felt; true joy and peace came over me, lasting to this day. I am humbly grateful for what Jesus did, is doing, and will do for me. I felt forgiven, restored, thankful, and at peace; everything was the opposite of just one hour ago.

The following day, I did the wrong thing, which I deeply regret; I thought I would test the Lord and see if the Lord immediately answered my first prayer request. Am I losing it? Did I imagine all of this? Am I deceiving myself? Did this happen? Is this real? Oh, how I regret doing that. I popped a top to that once flavorful cold can of Busch beer and started to drink it. The once flavorful taste I craved was now rancid, and half a can of beer made me sick.

I loaded every can of beer in the house, took it to the garbage container, and never looked back. No Betty Ford clinic, no twelve-step programs, no withdrawals, shakes, secular counseling or relapses, cravings, or desire to taste any alcohol again. My alcoholism is miraculously and instantly gone by the love and Grace of God. I could not and did not do this by my own will alone.

I believe it was the following Sunday when I spoke to my wife on the cell phone, and I shocked her by announcing that I went to church and would continue attending every time the doors were open, Lord willing.

Later, again unable to restrain my tears, I told my wife in detail what the Lord did for me.

I had attended a couple of other churches in the area, and they did not feel quite right, and I did not feel quite at home. Then I thought about all those 'whispers' I previously had when I passed by Shady Grove Baptist Church, but I was nervous and scared for some reason.

I have never heard the Lord speak to me audibly. Is this how the Holy Spirit communicates with us, through our thoughts and conscience?

I have had double vision plenty of times from drinking, but I have never had a hallucination or any vision. One night, two weeks after I surrendered my life to Jesus, I went to bed. Just as I crawled in, trying to find my comfortable position, only seconds in bed, I was awe-struck, and it lasted about seven seconds.

All at the same instant, a warm, wonderful, indescribable feeling came over me, the bedroom dimly lit up. I do not know if I was visually seeing it or if a vision was implanted in my mind. I have never seen or imagined anything so vivid. A background so dark in contrast to the white lettering, the white lettering so white and sharp I cannot adequately describe, two words, "DARLEEN GREENE." Request number three, my Sunday School teacher.

I immediately got up and wrote it down to avoid forgetting it. 

I finally stopped by on the third Sunday to attend worship at Shady Grove Baptist Church. It is hard to describe how I felt shortly after walking into the church. A feeling of "I'm home" among fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, a sense of joy, gratitude, and the fact that you are where you belong came over me. Oh, it has been so long, and this feels so right. It is breathtaking to be back in the Lord's house in fellowship, worshipping the Lord with other believers. It was when guest Pastors spoke every Sunday, and the church sought a permanent pastor.

I no longer fear where my soul and spirit will go when my body dies. I now sleep comfortably and securely every night, knowing I am secure and one of the Lord's children.

Just a matter of days after this, a biblical passage jumped off the pages of the Bible and somewhat unexpectantly startled me: 

Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

All of God's word has special meaning to me, but what is inscribed on my grandparent's tombstone sticks with me to this day: 

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

I am still a maturing Christian growing in the Lord, and I have some things in my life that need correcting with the help of the Lord. My spirit and mind are eager and willing, but my flesh is weak.

Confessing my sins, they are forgiven and under the blood of Christ, but I must bear the consequences of those former sins and their effects on my family and others and take full responsibility. I cannot change the past; I can only press forward as a new man in Christ Jesus.

The Lord did the impossible and changed a wretch like me. Thank you, Lord, for saving my soul.

Salvation is a free gift from God just for the asking. We are not guaranteed a tomorrow, much less another hour. What if I had died in Vietnam, in a head-on car crash, or whatever in my rebellious condition?

2 Corinthians 6:2 (For he saith, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I succoured thee: behold (pay attention), now is the accepted time; behold (pay attention, twice for emphasis), now is the day of salvation.)

Everyone has and will die, and we do not know when, where, or how. That dash between two dates on our grave markers represents what we did or did not do when we had the opportunity. The faith and testimony of Jesus Christ are so intense millions have laid their lives down as martyrs in the name of Jesus.

The Bible is a love story; God is love. There is only one of two places our souls will reside for all of eternity: Heaven or Hell. There is no greater love for us than this:

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. 18. He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

It is a free, open invitation to become a child of God, having eternal life through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. If we have breath, it is never too late.

Luke 15:10 Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth.

Jesus is the reason for every season, not just Christmas. I have so much to account for at the Bema Seat of Christ, with my conduct and so many missed opportunities presented to me. Shameful.